How I Met My Fabio
By
Eladani Panivalleila
&
Nanna Nodaldmech
"Don't worry about me Granny!" I whined. "I'll be fine!" Granny had been fussing over me ever since I had decided to go and live with my Pop in Forks.
"I just don't like the thought of you going to stay with that sonofabitch out there in that dreary town. You might catch a chill!" She replied smartly.
"Now Granny, don't call Pop Pop that! After all, you were married at one time!"
"Christanya Alexandrite Beige, don't you talk about things in the past! That is none of your concern!" She snapped.
"Sorry Granny. I'm just really going to miss you!" said I, my eyes tearing.
"Oh darling, I shall miss you fairly well too! Have fun being a freshman at a small school!" Granny said. "Now off you go! I have to get to the whore house soon. The men don't wait!" She pushed me out of the car and threw my bags after me. "Later alligator!" She called out the window. I watched her speed away into the sunset. I looked at my watch. It was 6.00, 8 hours until my flight took off. I lifted my suitcase, which only had a few shirts, Dockers pants, one pair of overalls, and the rest of the stuff was all books. Most of them were Harlequin romances. I just loved them. My favorite was The Vampire Next Door. It was a story about steamy, sexy Fabio, and the gorgeous, sultry, girl next door Freya. Fabio had tried to drink her delicious, wine smelling blood, but when he looked at her lovely face, he could not bring himself to kill her. They fell in love, even though he already had a voluptuous vampire girlfriend, and he protected Freya when his ex tried to kill her. But in the end, there were too many challenges for them, and they couldn't stay together. But I chose to overlook that part.
I also wrote a lot of stories, most of them fan fictions of the novels I'd read. I loved to sit at my computer for hours and hours doing nothing but writing stories. I knew I was a loser to do that, since most of the time I imagined myself as the girl, as every person who writes fan fictions does, but I just loved it so much!
"If only my life would be like that!" I thought, sighing. I walked to the terminal and pulled out my new Harlequin romance, Temptation, that I just bought at Aldi. I sat there for the next 7 hours until my plane arrived, and I fell asleep for the entire plane ride.
When I arrived in Seattle, my Pop Pop was there to pick me up. We drove to Forks, which was a very long ride. I stared outside, dreaming about Fabio, trying to picture myself as Freya. I looked in the side view mirror and winced. I would never look like Freya. I had a round face, so round that one time when I tried self tanner and it went wrong, I actually looked like a pumpkin. I had a straight nose that was fairly too long, and my eyes were small and a muddy pond-scum green. I had practically nonexistent eyelashes, and I had very small, thin lips. I had braces and headgear, and my hair was flat and lifeless. Granny helped me make up for my dull looks by wearing some of her revealing tops and short shorts, but my fat and lack of cleavage made the outfits look awful. I wasn't fat, I was average, but average people don't look good in short shorts. And there was the fact that my butt was unusually large, which Granny said I inherited from her. I have always been self conscious about my butt, especially since the boys at school would routinely slap it.
So now that I was leaving Granny, I had packed only my button up shirts and Dockers, because I didn't want Pop Pop to look at me, but I was planning on restocking for my exciting Forks nightlife. I was excited to see Pop Pop's house, and as soon as we entered the town I was struck dumb. It was a tiny town with no people outside, with very old buildings.
"Pop Pop, where are all of the exciting happening scenes around here? You said that there was a lot of night clubs!" I cried.
"Well darling, I lied so that you would come here. But the bingo club gets very exciting after 9.00, as does the chess club. Once, Peggy Davis fell asleep and started snoring. Everyone had a roar at that!" Pop Pop said enthusiastically.
I was so upset, that as soon as we arrived at his small, brown house, I stomped my foot, and grabbed my bag and ran up the stairs, tripping only once. But I accidentally dropped my bag, and all of my sexy thongs and bras went everywhere. I was mortified to find that my man thong was lying at Pop Pop's feet.
"Is this for me?" He asked, picking it up. I was so mortified that I ran upstairs and stayed there the rest of the night.
Pop Pop decided to take me up to Port Angeles the next day. It was a cloudy day in Washington, but at least it wasn't raining. I had my large, round, glasses on, with my hair in two braids on the side. It was my favorite look. My Pop Pop dropped my off there, and then drove away, leaving my stranded there until he picked my up at 5.00. I walked around, looking for a good book shop. I turned into an alley, hoping for a short cut to the next street, when suddenly I felt cold hands wrap around my throat. I tried to grab my mace from bag, but I couldn't find it. My vision went black, when all of a sudden I heard a low, ferocious growl. I tried to turn my head, but it was locked in place by the vicious hands. Suddenly, I was freed, and I heard a fight going on close to me. I couldn't see in the dark alley, and when I tried to stand up, I fell to the ground. My knees were too weak to support me.
Suddenly, the fighting stopped. A tall man approached me, and I cowered against the wall. He stooped next to me, and felt my pulse.
"Are you all right?" He asked, in a soothing, melodic voice.
"Yes." I said weakly. The man picked me up and carried me into the street, and I felt his cold, marble-like arms holding me. I looked at his face, and was stunned by its beauty. He had bronze hair, and his skin was as white a paper. His eyes were golden, and bore into mine. Then, I fainted.
I was unconscious until the next day. I woke up to the smell of Pop Pop frying his dinner of roasted pig liver to eat for breakfast. I rolled over in bed and covered my face with my pillow, trying to get the disgusting smell out of my nose.
"I just can't get enough of this stuff!" Pop Pop said, as I walked downstairs. I nearly threw up. Is this what people ate here? We didn't even think of eating that kind of stuff back in Bismarck, North Dakota. I was beginning to miss it more and more. Pop Pop drove me to the school in his Oldsmobile. The school was tiny and pathetic looking. I noticed that there were no nice cars, except for the Porsche Carrera and a silver shiny Volvo. I went to the office and got my schedule.
"Why hello, dearie." The red headed secretary said. "What's your name?"
"Beige, Christanya Beige." I stated.
"What an unusual name!" The lady exclaimed.
"Why thank you! I tend to get that compliment a lot, although most of the time people laugh after they say it." I replied.
"Well, that's fairly rude! Here is your schedule. Have a nice day!" She said. I walked to my first class, barely making it before the bell rang. It was Chemistry. I walked in, and everyone stared at me. I told the teacher who I was and he pointed to my seat. I walked over and sat down in the desk in the farthest corner. The teacher explained the lab we were doing and named out our lab partners. I was paired up with a boy named Edward Cullen. I was reading the lab worksheet when suddenly I heard a voice behind me.
"Hello. My name is Edward Cull-" He stopped short when I turned to look at him. I gasped in surprise. It was the man who saved me the day before!
"You go to this school!?" He asked, shocked. It took me a moment to regain the power of speech.
"Y-yes." I stuttered. "I'm Christanya." He stared at me for a moment, and then sat down. He set up the lab equipment and we started the lab. I was an expert at chemistry, and I could see that he was impressed. I amazed him with my vast knowledge of everything relating to chemistry. We did not talk at all, and continued on that way until I couldn't stand it anymore.
"About yesterday…" I started to say. He grew tense.
"Yes?"
"I don't understand what happened. How could you have beaten that attacker up? He was so strong! And I heard growling-"
"You heard nothing of the sort." He interrupted me. "You were delirious when I found you. Now I think its best that we not talk about yesterday anymore." I looked at him suspiciously. He stared back at me, his eyes smoldering. I could see a strange, frustrated look in them too.
"But I know-"
"You don't know anything. You were raving on and on about someone named Fabio the entire time, not paying attention to what was happening. End of story." I tried glaring at him, but ended up squinting and making a strange face because of the light directly behind him was reflecting off of my glasses and hurting my eyes.
Luckily the bell rang before he could say anything else. A short, pretty, brunette walked up behind him and put her hand on his shoulder. I accidentally dropped The Vampire Next Door when trying to put it in my bag, which I had decided to read, and he handed to me, looking at it questioningly. When I looked up, I caught the girl glaring at me. Her eyes were full of jealously and hate. I stuck my tongue out at her and walked out of the class.
For the next couple of weeks, my classes went like that. Our chemistry teacher had decided to try giving us permanent lab partners, so I was stuck with Edward. We rarely talked to each other, and the brunette girl always stood behind him after class, waiting for him, and glaring at me with eyes full of rage and disgust. At lunch I sat b myself and read while listening to my walkman with my big earphones that I loved. I would occasionally looked up and catch Edward staring at me with that same frustrated look, but he seemed to dislike me slightly less than he did before. In fact, sometimes when I would catch him staring at me, I would see a tender look in his eyes.
But the more Edward and I seemed to get along, the more is girlfriend, who I learned was named Bella, hated me. And his siblings, whose names I learned were Rosalie, a gorgeous blond who made me feel hideous, Alice, a cute, short girl with spiky black hair, Emmett, a huge, muscular man, and Jasper, and tall, blond haired boy, seemed to hate me too. I didn't know what I did to make them all hate me, but I avoided them whenever I could.
One day, when I was at my locker, I heard Edward and Bella whispering to each other.
"…Of course she's going to find out that you and your family are vampires if you keep on getting close to her in chemistry! How can you do this to them!? To me!?"
"I'm not doing anything to anyone! I'm merely being friendly!"
"You have never been "friendly" to anyone but me and your family!"
"I can be friendly to whomever I please. Quit playing the jealous girlfriend. It's unbecoming."
"I am not jealous! I'm horrified that you're so careless!"
'I am not careless Bella! This conversation is over!"
I shut my locker and watched him storm off. Bella stood nearby, fuming. She saw me staring at her.
"What are you looking at, bitch!?"
"No-no-nothing!" I stammered.
"Well let me tell you something…" she said menacingly, marching up to me. "You stay away from my boyfriend, you hear? Stay away from him!"
"Uh… of course, I wouldn't dream of-"
"Don't even think of it!" Bella interrupted. She walked off angrily.
I stood there for another minute, unable to believe what I heard. Vampires existed!? Like Fabio! Was it possible that Edward could be my Fabio? Amazingly, I wasn't as shocked to find out about him and his family as I should have been. I didn't even have a shadow of a doubt that they were lying.
Pop Pop didn't pick me up that day, so I had to walk home. It had snowed heavily the night before, and the ground was slippery with ice. You could hear the trees creaking underneath the weight of the snow. As I was walking, I suddenly heard a large tree branch break above me. It was fairly huge. I didn't even have time to think, but suddenly I was lying on the ground next to the branch, and someone was whispering in my ear.
"Christanya, are you all right?" the voice whispered. I'd know that voice anywhere. I turned around.
"Edward! Where did you come from? You saved me! Oh thank you, thank you!" I said, giving him a big hug. But he was as cold and hard as marble, and I jumped back. I quickly stood up, and looked at him quizzically.
"You're cold as ice!" I cried.
"I'm sorry. In case you haven't noticed, it is cold outside." He replied coolly.
"But…" I let it drop. "How did you get here to save me?"
"I…I was following you." He said sheepishly.
"You were following me? Why?" I asked.
"Because I think you're amazing." He blurted out.
"Me? Amazing!? What!? You shouldn't be following me! You have a girlfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I don't care about her. I like you. I want you." Said Edward, his eyes dazzling me. He leaned in, and we kissed, interrupted only by my loud, obnoxious breathing.
"I have to go feed my armadillo." I said, in an attempt to escape. It wasn't that I didn't want to be around him more, that I didn't want to kiss him more. He was amazing, and I was falling gin love with him, had been for the past weeks. But I was so overwhelmed I just wanted to write in my diary and brood.
"Armadillo?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "Let me drive you." He said.
"No!" I replied hastily. "I'd like to walk."
"And get smashed by another tree branch? I don't think so. You're coming with me." He said angrily, dragging me by the arm. I tried to fight, but couldn't resist him. I noticed that the only car left in the parking lot was the Porsche Carrera. He pushed me in, and I admired the car. It was definitely nicer than anything I'd ever been in.
Edward's car smelled as good as he did. He stopped outside my house.
"There's something I have to tell you." He said.
"What is it?" I asked. He was silent for a moment.
"I'm a vampire." He said quietly.
"I know." I said. He was shocked. "Will you tell me about it?"
For the next hour he explained everything about being a vampire. Like that he could run faster than a car, and that he could read minds. Then he leaned over and kissed me again, and we kissed until Pop Pop came out and knocked on the window. I was embarrassed, and I could sense that he was too. I opened to door quickly opened to door to get out.
"Oh no dears, don't stop on account of me! I was actually hoping I could join in!" I looked at him, mortified. I ran into the house quickly, and heard Edward drive away. I locked myself in the room for the rest of the night.
The next morning, I spent a long time deciding on what to wear. I decided on my Grandma's favorite top, a very low cut, v-neck hot pink tiger-striped shirt, with a corset underneath, and paired it with some tight black jeans and orange platform sneakers. I put on blue eye shadow and decided not to wear my glasses today. I curled my hair and put it half up, half down, and wore dark red lipstick. I walked downstairs and Pop Pop wolf whistled.
"Hey sexy, save some for me too!" He purred. He drove me to school, and I never felt so confidant. I looked sexy, and felt sexy. I marched self assuredly up to the school, and into my Chemistry class, where I sat down next to Edward. His eyes opened wide with pleasure at my transformation.
I walked into the cafeteria and looked for a table to sit at. I wanted to sit by Edward, but I wasn't sure if his family would want me there. So instead I sat by myself at a table by the windows. I was reading and listening to Britney Spears, when I felt a tap on the shoulder. I looked up, and saw Bella's hateful eyes boring into mine. I took my headphones off.
"Yes?" I asked innocently. Bella rolled her eyes.
"I have a proposition for you." She stated.
"Okay…" I said warily. "What kind of proposition?"
"We're going to have a contest. We're going to see which one of us can win Edward over. Whoever wins gets to keep him. Also, the loser has to leave town. Starting immediately. In two weeks, it will be posted on who the winner is. The winner will be decided by our classmates in 3 days. Oh, and neither of us can see Edward until the results are announced on " I thought about it for a moment.
"All right." I said. "You're on."
"Good." She said, smirking. She stood up to leave. "May the best girl win. Me." She turned and walked away, sitting down next to Edward. She started talking to Edward in a low voice, making him laugh. That whore! I thought. She had the unfair advantage of sitting with him! Well, at least I knew that he liked me, not her!
That day after school, I went home and made a bunch of posters, with slogans like "Beige and Cullen Forever" and "I know the most about romance! I read Harlequins! Vote Beige!"
I arrived at school early next morning and posted the posters all over the school. I put flyers on everyone's lockers, and prepared a speech to give that day. As the kids started to come into the school, I noticed that a lot of the people just threw my flyers away. How rude! I thought.
Edward wasn't in Chemistry that day. I heard from another student that he had gotten passes from all of the teachers. The teachers were even interested in voting. I bet Bella's making him stay home because she knows that he can't resist me! I thought to myself. Through out all of my classes I wrote down campaign ideas in my notebook, and my teachers didn't even mind. They were all too busy talking to the students about the contest themselves to pay any attention to me, even though I was the one in it.
I spent the entire night preparing my speech that I was to give the next day during lunch. I was calm until the end of fifth period, right before lunch, and I felt my stomach doing somersaults. I had dressed especially hot that day, wearing my Grandma's bright orange, see through, one-shoulder top. I was wearing a lime green spandex micro-mini skirt, and bright yellow leggings. I had on my big, white, furry boots and my hair was curled in a pile on top of my head. I knew I looked hot.
I walked into the lunch room and saw two podiums set up new the opposite wall. Bella was already standing at one of the podiums. I walked up to my stand and waiting to see what to do. Bella rolled her eyes.
"Go."
"Oh… um, all right. Uh… well…" I stammered. "I guess that I think I should get Edward because I'm…" I stepped out from behind the podium and began to strut forward. I was having an adrenaline rush, I was filled with confidence and I didn't want to lose it. I started singing, and stripping at the same time, to the student's surprise.
"Because I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt s sexy it hurts. And I'm a model, you know what I mean, and I shake my little-" I was stopped by the principle, who burst on to the scene, grabbed my arm, and dragged me outside. I was freezing with out my shirt on. The principle lectured me and made me get dressed and sent me home. But I knew that I won that debate. I was so sexy in there I didn't have a doubt.
The next day, you could feel the anticipation in the air. Everyone would be voting online as soon as they got home. I swaggered through the school, confident that I was going to win. Not only did Edward like me the most, but everyone knew that me and Edward would make a hotter couple. Bella ignored me in Biology and lunch. I could hear the other students twittering whenever I passed them, but I was confident that they were talking about how they were all voting for my that night.
I tried to schmooze with some of my fellow students, hoping they would vote for me. During lunch I sat down next to a girl from my Chemistry class, Lisa Forster. She was eating yogurt, so in an effort to make conversation I turned to face her and said "Hey, want to share some of that blueberry yo-GURT?!"
Lisa jumped into the air and spilled her yogurt all over her. Her eyes ere murderous and as I ran out of the lunch room she screamed insults at me. I had been so preoccupied trying to be funny and make conversation that I hadn't noticed her back turned to me. It wasn't until later than I realized that she had been eating blackberry yogurt, not blueberry, adding to my list of blunders for the day.
The day passed along with excruciating slowness. I continued to make slip-ups through out the day every time I tried to earn some points in my favor. I knew that my win was inevitable, but I figured that there was no harm in taking out an insurance policy.
I was so focused on trying to gain the support of everyone I knew that I didn't even notice that Edward wasn't at school. It hit my like a train moving at full speed, and I began to have a panic attack. The school day had already ended, and I knew that Edward was tougher than anything else in the world, but I was terrified. I ran downstairs to the phone and started punching in the numbers.
"Hello, welcome to Seattle Sexy Talks, 100 sexiness all open 24 hours a day. How may I help you?" A female voice purred into the phone. "I-who-wha?-" I stammered. I looked at the phone cradle and realized that I had hit redial in my panic to call Edward as quickly as I could. I hung up quickly. Who could have called Seattle Sexy Talks before I was home. I was sure that Pop Pop made jokes like that, but he really scoffed at things like that. Pop Pop was a very wholesome, respectable man. So that left only one other option: A bug with super intelligence had grown to human size and had spoken in English, one of the thousands of other languages it knew, and had called them! I nearly screamed in fear at the thought! Super bugs knew how to get into my house! I ran up the stairs and baracaded the room. I was so afraid that I didn't even think that the super bug could get Pop Pop.
I looked that the clock on the wall and realized that it was time for the voting to begin. Super bug or not, Edward was more important. Armed with a horseshoe, I made my way downstairs and to the computer.
I turned on the computer and logged on to and noticed that there was a whole page devoted to the contest. Already almost half the school had voted, I noted with surprise. Unfortunately you were only told the number of votes so far, not who had been voted for. I clicked on my name and cast my vote.
I could not stand the suspense, so armed with my trusty horseshoe I walked over to the TV and turned it on. The phone rang after half and hour and I screamed, afraid that the Super bug was nearby. But I forced myself up and walked over to the phone and picked it up.
"Beige, Christanya Beige. Speaking?" I answered.
"The results are in." An ominous, unrecognizable voice said. I dropped the phone and ran over to the computer. The results were up.
Bella Christanya
399 2
I was paralyzed with shock. It didn't make any sense. How could I have lost!? Edward loved me! I denied that it was possible. And who was the one person who voted for me? There were only 400 people at school!Suddenly two video chats popped up onto my computer. I hadn't realized that I was logged into AIM. I didn't know who either of them were from. I clicked on the first one, by someone named xx200eyesxx. I screeched at the image that appeared before me. It was the super bug! It had 200 eyes like it said, and was dark purple with lime green spots.
"Bonjour Christanya," it said with an accent that I could not place. "I live in the vents in the school, so I considered myself part of the school that could vote. So I voted for you." It started laughing maniacally so I could see it big yellow fangs, and logged off immediately. I was so rattled that I had a hard time clicking on the next video chat, by someone named MarbleXBoi. Edward and Bella sat there staring back at me.
"Hello Christanya." They said at the same time. "I'm sure that by now you have seen the results." Edward said. Bella smirked behind him. The tears began pouring down my face.
"But Edward! We love each other! We can't let them do this to us!" I cried.
"On the contrary Christanya. I do not love you. In fact, everything I told you was a lie. This was all part of a bet that Emmett and Rosalie made for me. I lost a bet to them that Emmett could not pick up 100 cars stacked on top of each other, and the result was that I had to pretend to fall in love with the ugliest, most ridiculous girl I met the next day. And you were the winner. As Rosalie put it, this was just a way of raising an ugly girl's hopes." Bella laughed out loud at that.
"Bu-but-" My throat was constricting. "I HATE YOU BOTH!" I screamed into the computer. "I HOPE THE SUPER BUG EATS YOU ALL! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" I pulled the cords out off the computer and ran to the phone. I scheduled a ticket back to Granny's house on the first plane that left, regardless of the cost. All I left for Pop Pop was a note:
Dear Pop Pop,
Circemstanses have made it impossibale (imposibell?) for me to stay her ne longer. I am returning to Granny's. I might - no - will fairly miss you.
Love,
Christanya
P.S. Venus Strippers in Seattle called. They want their handcuffs back.
My landing back home was uneventful. Granny was at work, so I walked to 50 miles back home. I didn't get home until 3 days later. Granny was home when I arrived, and jumped up and down with excitement to see me. She tried to get me to tell her why I was home, but I would not say. For the rest of my life, I vowed never to fall in love with a boy again. I was Freya and Edward as Fabio, the complete tragedy. That is the story of how I met my Fabio.