Sanctuary, a gossip girl fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl

Warnings: suicide attempt, some sex
Notes: the story was written for ggficexchange. It's my first GG fic, and English isn't my mother tongue. If you find any errors, tell me and I fix. One-shot

First time Blair Waldorf met Nate, she decided him to be her sanctuary. Sweet one, calm one… He was everything she wanted to be, everything she pretended to be, and everything she was looking inside, but failed.

It had been years later when she realized her mistake; the pain he caused, the lies that strained their relationship. But she was stubborn. She had rejected truth and continued to assure everyone including herself that he had been everything, her sanctuary. Afterwards, she'd destroyed this cloud-castle with her own hands.

For fifteen years she had been a kind of sanctuary for Serena, helping to manage with all the mess her best friend had caused. But this new golden-girl, whom Serena became, didn't need any help.

And, the last one, there had been Chuck, who obviously wasn't a sanctuary, but the pirate bay, where she could have always find rest, support and help. She'd forgotten that in pirate bay you should always expect a stab in the back. She'd forgotten – and he'd won, assured that she had nothing left. No sanctuary or pirate bay to hide from the world. She was alone, first time in whole life.

It took her a month to recognize a lot of things she had refused to believe in before. A month of social regret, tears, and false smiles that covered her pain. A month he didn't talk to her, but somebody called from an unknown number, a few times, and she had silently listened to the breathing. She knew it was him. She had done the same. They were more alike than some would admit, but Cupid was not around to settle the problems he had caused with his arrows. The stupid blonde babe was always away when you needed him.

Blair had matured during that month. All of them played and acted like adults, like their parents, but they were just cruel children and it wasn't that long ago that she had been the same. She never lived in the moment, always planned her future, but during that month she found time for herself, found time to read books that she had stowed away and lounged, knowing that wherever she went she would never be late. She hated being late.

Feb. 13

Hello, my dear UES. Gossip girl is here for you with the latest news. Spotted Former queen B and her golden-hair lady in wait S shopping for sexy underwear in La Perla boutique. Well, well, well, it seems for me that Lonely Boy is going to have an old-style S. present for St. Valentine. However, as I know, Blair is still alone. Do U have a new secret affair, B? I keep my eye on U

You know you love me
Xoxo
Gossip girl

Blair twisted her mouth, viewing the photo of her and Serena in the store with lacy panties and bras in their hands. Damn Gossip girl and her loyal followers! You couldn't escape. She had real fun for the first time after the fall only for this stupid blog to spoil that.

"Oh, come on, B! Don't bother!" – shining Serena slammed her phone, after examining the income message.

The phones synchronously buzzed once more, meaning a new Gossip girl message. Checked, both girls stared at the screen, where photos of Nate and Jenny kissing were. Blair rapidly scrolled to the text:

Spotted: for sure, N is moving on. And for whom you may guess? Nobody else but rising up Queen J. Be careful, J, ex-best friend is still around.

Our sources say that N asked J out for Gala tomorrow. Let's see.

You know you love me
Xoxo
Gossip girl

"Blair, dear," - Serena drawled with a sad look on her face.

Blair didn't response, taking a minute to calm down and make a desire disappear. She closed her eyes as her doctor recommended and counted from ten to one. She could manage, she could, she could – the only wish was to rush into the toilet and throw out. She was strong. She was strong... She repeated in her mind those worlds which had made her fly: Someone so beautiful… someone so beautiful…

But against her will his other words appeared in her mind: I don't want you, I don't want… Some way, it made her stronger. He'd lied, she was a polite and delicate one, but not a damn porcelain girl to break because of small wind. She'd already survived the storm.

"I'm ok, S," - Blair answered, opening her eyes. – "Don't worry, it was expected. Nate can't be alone, and that bitch did her best to help this "love" happen"

Before Serena could response, her phone rang. And by a sweet happy smile crossed her friend's lips, Blair could undoubtedly said it was Dan.

Sweet and happy smiles, well, Blair had had them once. She regretted those memories, but couldn't help. Chuck's calls and texts had caused those smiles. Opposite, with Nate she always had had a puppy dog smile.

"B, is it ok if I leave right now?" – Serena's pleading voice broke into her mind. – "Dan asked me to arrive ASAP. He said something about surprise and his Dad being out," - she blushed with a shy giggle. – "I remember that I promised to spend whole day with you, but…"

"You won't come home tonight," - Blair winkled and finished, reading her best friend's mind. – "I'm ok. I still have Breakfast at Tiffany's to watch," - she did her best to look happy, confident and independent. – "I may bring your shoppings to the Palace to avoid traumatizing Brooklyn's' mentality with money you'd spent," - Blair suggested in indifferent way, secretly wished she would meet Eric and chat with him. She didn't want to return home and sat alone. If she had to, she would think about everything she lost, plan the revenge she doesn't want and look, as a charmed, on her phone in slight hope somebody call – nobody would.

"Great!" – cheerful Serena hugged her friend. – "Eric is alone, mom and Bass," - she rolled her eyes, - "are in Paris for romantic holiday"
"Sounds awful," - she supported, but in her mind it wasn't so bad. Valentine day in Paris with someone you love… Blair shook her head, rejecting those silly thoughts.

The day of lovers was tomorrow, Blair could see the evidences of this heartful holiday everywhere in UES or in the Internet. And, certainly, Gossip Gird was the one who reminded every minute with someone spotted.

And she was alone, for the first time in years Blair had no one to congratulate or any hope to receive usual bunch of cards in school, sweet kiss and present from Nate, and sarcastic comments from Chuck who never celebrated St. Valentine. Maybe it was the only night in the year when no slut was in Chuck's bed.

"It is," - Serena nodded, giving her bags to Blair and putting the suite's key in her hand. – "Do you think I should change into these right now?"– she mumbled, waving La Perla bag in her hands.
"Why not?" – Blair smiled.
"But you'll do the same!" – laughing, Serena responded with familiar look which meant that arguing was useless. She added in concerned tone. – "Sexy underwear makes a girl self-confident and sexy," - she pulled her friend, while Blair just rolled her eyes.

Blair entered Van Der Woodsen's suite to find that no one was there. In silence, girl opened Serena's room and put shoppings on the armchair. No other choice left, but to go home. Blair spun around on her heels and exited the room. She took a bottle of mineral water from the bar and poured it into the glass just to postpone the departure. Sipping slowly, the girl noticed something incorrect, a frown dawned on her face while she tried to figure out, but it took her one more minute to realize what exactly was bothering her mind. Opened mobile phone was lying on the coffee table together with suite's key and wallet.

Put the glass on the bar with a shrilly sound cleaved the silence, Blair slowly reached the table and sat on sofa's edge. Hesitating, she picked up the wallet – Eric smiled from the school-pass. Slapped it, she took the phone, touched the button to switch display light on and gazed stunned on the screen.

Spotted: for sure, N is moving on. And for whom you may guess? Nobody else but rising up Queen J.

Blair didn't read further.

"Eric," - she called, wanted him to appear right now and to laugh at her fears. But she couldn't cut out of her mind his confession about suicide attempt. She was the one who knew how difficult it was to manage with those desires.

"Eric!" - Blair called him again, louder this time. –Eric! – she jumped up, hurried to his room and blew the door, hating to enter without the knock. His bed was made. – Oh. Damn, Eric, say something! – it was just her breath that broke the silence. –Eric! – she yelled, opened bathroom door and paralyzed with terror. Pale, with semi-blue lips, Eric laid in the bathtub filled with red water. – Oh, my Lord, Eric! – she shrieked loudly, shed her Michel Perry and rushed to the boy, tears were coming down her face. – Eric, Eric, - she touched his hands in the water, noticed deep scratches crossed his veins, with blood bleeding from them. –Oh, damn, she didn't worth that! Eric! - she cried, pressing towels to stop the bleeding. – Say something, say, say - she yelled, opened the plug. He wouldn't bleed without water as the blood would coagulate on air.

"Blair, hey, I did it again, you know," - he mumbled, hardly moving his lips. – You know, she said she is going to study tonight, and that she hate that commercialized holiday, so she doesn't want to go out tomorrow, - Blair couldn't restrain her anger.
"You deserve better that that bitch," - she whispered, removing his wet golden hairs from the brow. – "I'm going to call 911," - she frowned, staring on the towels becoming red.

"Nо!" – his loud voice stopped her. – "No, Blair, please. They will call mom, and she'll return me to rehab, terrible place. Please, you saved me from that place once, I can't return, I can't," - he cried, and his tears were mixing with the water drops on his face. – "I'll be ok here, just stick plasters, I promise I won't do it again"

"You are addicted…"

"No, no… I just… I read that message, and cried, and went to bathroom to wash my face, and then there was the blade… I took it, I don't know why and then… I felt so alone, so betrayed…"

"Alone? You have…" - she stopped. Lily was gone with Bart, Serena always were either with her or Dan. – "You have me, Eric. And, well, if you stop bleeding, I won't call 911, but promise me that tomorrow we'll go to the psychologist," - he nodded. – "Change," - she looked at his wet jeans and polo-shirt. – "I need to call Serena," - Blair regretted his sad look and quitted the bathroom.

Blair tried to call Serena again and again, but time after time she reached her voicemail. "Damn, S, your bother is dying in my hands, and you are having sex with your boyfriend!" – she reflected sticking plasters on his wounds, but the blood was still bleeding slightly.

"Eric, we must call the doctor," - she repeated, pleading him to think over, but he shook his head again, giving her that hurt-look. – "I can't stop the bleeding"
"You promised, please, Blair… They will put me there again," - he feared. – "I can't… I'm going to die there"
"Well, in other case you are going to die now," - she replied angrily. – "You lost a lot of blood, and it's still…" - Blair looked at his pale face and colorless lips. – "If it was Halloween, you wouldn't need a mask to act The Death"
"Thanks," - he tried to smile, muffling himself up in the rug. – "I don't need a doctor, I'll be ok in few minutes," - he drank red wine she ordered for him.
Blair shook her head and tried to call Serena once more. The same result – cheerful voice of her voicemail. So, Blair had just one person to ask for help. The one she should hate.

Chuck sat on the bar stool, swirling the scotch in his hands. The laptop was opened to the Gossip Girl blog, and he attentively examined the photos of the smiling Blair, holding the most sexiest panties in all the world between her tender hands. Underwear like that was never bought if you were sleeping alone, and he knew her taste in underwear well. It meant she had someone; someone that she kissed and petted in the same way that she had with him. He wondered if she mumbled and screamed. Had she screamed for Nate? He'd miscalculated, sure no one would have told Nate the name of Blair's lover. It was Blair after all, and she was a master in lying and getting out of a scrapes. She would have never admitted who the other guy in her life was or that he even existed.

Chuck couldn't have imagined that there had been other people aware of their affair: best friend (his future sis), her pocket-boy and his pest sister. Serena had admitted the truth the day after the Gossip girl message. Chuck had miscalculated and lost two people he cared about. And now both of them moved on. Nate was with that Jenny-girl, Blair, damn Blair, who caused those butterflies, was seeing someone new. She would rise, but he would never be next to her. So he had plenty of time and plenty of girls, and plenty of alcohol – nothing could kill fluttering creatures.

He watched Blair in school while no one noticed. She was calm and sweetie, but not as spicy as she got used to be. He couldn't understand if he liked that new Blair or preferred her to fight back mercilessly. Maybe the new boy in her life was the reason for that behavior. Fucking new one who could fuck her whenever he liked.

Chuck downed his scotch and poured some more, returning to his masochistic thoughts, when he heard a knock at his door.

Intrigued, as he didn't expect anyone and nobody left for sudden visits, Chuck opened the door to find anxious Blair standing on the threshold.

"What are you doing here, Waldorf? Want to show your new panties?" – he said first words occurred in his mind. She simply rolled her eyes, being ready for such kind of remarks. – "You forgot our last conversation? I thought I was clear enough when I told that I don't want you," - she didn't answer, taking away his scotch and sipping it in two big swallows.
"I need your help, so pick your phone and come on, it's in the Palace," - it was an order, not a request. However, there was something in her eyes that made him to bite his tongue and obey. Following her, he noticed that she seemed to be lower than usual, and with a look at her feet understood the reason. No heels or other shoes. He didn't ask, worried. They entered Van Der Woodsen's suite to find Eric muffled up in the rug.

"I need you to call the doctor, reliable one, who won't tell Lily or anyone else"

Chuck stared uncomprehending at them, as Blair took a seat next to Eric.

"Show," - she asked the boy and he stretched out his hands, covered with bloody plasters.
"What's the hell?"
"Just call a doctor. I'm sure you have someone," - he nodded and started to look for the number in contact list, shooting his glances at Blair, attentively hugging Eric.
"He'll be in thirty minutes," - he hanged up and took a seat next to them, with hundreds questions in his mind.

Chuck closed the door after the doctor and returned to the couch with a new whisky glass in his hands. Blair left Eric room and took whisky, Chuck poured for her.

"He fell asleep. Thanks," - she whispered, sitting on the other end of the couch. – "I didn't know what to do,"
"Better call 911 next time," - he replied.
"He forbad. You know," - she laughed nervously, - "he did that before," - Chuck stared. – "Yep, he was the one Serena visited in the rehab, no alcohol-addiction for our gorgeous S"

He nodded. That cleared up a lot of small strange things in Van Der Woodsen's family relations.

"I know he is ill, that it's the addiction, but I can't do that for him, all of us have our own sins," - she paused. – "You may go, sure you don't want anyone notice us talking"

He stood up, brought them whisky bottle and took a seat next to her, feeling her nervous tremor.

"I felt so bad when he confessed," – suddenly, the tears bowled along her cheeks. – "I nearly told everyone about him, that is why Serena admitted her addiction," - guardedly, Chuck put his hand on her shoulders and pressed to his breast. – "Honestly, it was my fault. You know," - she choked, - "he always was like a little bro for me, and after Serena left I saw him three or four times on social events, never called or asked. I was so hurt with Serena, tried so hard to settle things with Nate that I simply didn't notice Eric or answer his calls. It was my fault," - she repeated, sobbing. – "I could never notice anything. My boyfriend and best friend cheating on me, my other best friend" - she wept, breaking out from his embrace, - "using me as an Arabian"

He pulled away and looked her in the eyes:
"I never used you, you was the one to do that"

She sobbed and then, to Chuck's greater surprise, nodded slightly and shook her head.
"So didn't me. I was confused, I couldn't understand my own body and," - she gave him a weapon he could use, - "my own feelings. You were my best friend, you were my ex's best friend. Things were too complicated," - she leaped up, - "and you didn't help, doing them even more complicated. I need my sanctuary"

"Yep, Nate…"
"Yes… no… you," - she looked down on her pedicure toes. – "You left without fighting, without admitting the truth to everyone who attended Debutante Ball or Nate"
"I thought that was you wanted," - Chuck came from behind Blair and put his arms around her waist.
"I wanted you"
"You never told"
"Well, now is certainly too late to talk about that. You were clear enough that evening," - she tried to break out his embrace once again, but Chuck didn't allow, keeping her.
"It's never too late while we are alive," - he whispered, giving her a soft hesitating kiss. She responded, hearing his whisper. – "You know, these stupid butterflies are alive"
Blair smiled, still sobbing:
"I know I have my own…"

He kissed her carefully, giving her opportunity to stop. She didn't dodge, wanting to live each moment of her own life without thinking back. The dress burned her skin when he rapidly pulled it up. As if they counted in their mind the rhythm, they moved in waltz temp to Serena's bedroom, crushing in each other's lips.

"It's Serena's, we can't," - she argued, when he slapped the door.
"As I remember, your bed frequently served her dirty purposes last year, she owes"

They dropped, continuing to kiss. Chuck pulled away for a second to make sure she was ok, and Blair smiled grabbing his hand.

"You may regret tomorrow," – she smiled.
"I won't"

She pulled up his shirt and her hand ran over his body. Bended, she felt his response for her pets and with a new deep breath clung to his lips. Belt buckle buzzed, he took of her bra and panties, paid no attention how sexy they were, and naked himself.

Spread apart legs, interlace hands, kisses, bent back, men on the top, kisses, hot breathe, fast moving in crazy temp "live fast, dye young", convulsions, her face set against his neck…

Well, it took her years but now she knew that this pirate bay was her sanctuary for ever and ever.

It was two a.m. when they finished the third round, and Blair mumbled in her sleep:
"Chuck, you are the best Valentine gift I ever had"
"So are you," - he answered, kissing her softly on the forehead. – "But Valentine is not over yet"

Of course, there was no Cupid for them, but the Devil liked his blessed followers."

The end