Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin, nor do I own the characters.
Merlin's Point of View
Hiding my magic is very difficult, when all I want to do is reveal it to Arthur to see if he will like me for who I am. But I know I can't. Arthur grew up learning only the worst about magic, thinking magic can only do bad, despising magic just like his father.
When the goblin was loose, Arthur didn't hesitate to take me to his father after it accused me of using magic. Even if Arthur does come to acknowledge my magic and accept me for who I am, his father wouldn't; Camelot wouldn't after all those claims about how magic is bad, after all those executions.
After Morgana became evil, deep down, I understand how much Arthur really does not accept magic. How little he did so before, it was all gone now.
No matter how hard it was for me to hide my magic, it was even harder for me to tell it to him. I don't want to be the object of his hate, nor do I want to be separated from him anymore. Even if it means lying to Arthur, or pretending to be an idiot, I don't mind as long as I can protect Arthur from the sidelines.
Supporting Arthur's love for Gwen was even harder. I know Gwen makes Arthur happy in a way I can't. His smile when talking about her or when she's around, the brightness of it doesn't compare to ones he shows me.
It hurts.
It's frustrating. I was always by his side. But he never noticed me.
"Why was I born a man?"
There were times I thought of that, but then I realize, if I were born a woman, I would not be as close to Arthur as I am now. Being near Arthur, being at least someone he cares about even though he won't admit it, makes me really happy.
My heart stings whenever I see Arthur with Gwen, but I can bear with it. If Gwen makes Arthur happy, I should be supportive of the relationship.
"MERLIN!"
Speak of the devil...
"Why didn't you wake me up? I thought you knew how important this day was!"
Because I couldn't bear to see your bare chest. If I wake you up, you will realize my feelings for you.
I thought carefully about what to reply, then I remembered last night. "I thought Gwen was going to wake you up, seeing as she was in your room last night."
As expected, Arthur didn't buy it. "What's with the long silence, Merlin? Besides, you know she came to say farewell, while going off on her journey with Elyan."
I smiled sheepishly, "I forgot."
Arthur continued to eye me with suspicious eyes. "Are you sure you forgot, or are you going to neglect your duties and spend your days in the tavern again?"
"No! I swear I forgot. Last night Gaius gave me a lot of work to do, and after all those duties I have to do for you. I was exhausted."
"And so you decided to spend the day in the tavern?" Arthur still hadn't given up the thought.
I was going to protest again, but Arthur cut me off. "Well whatever you planned to do today, I think you can guess what my father has plans for you, seeing you made me late."
I groaned. Not the stocks again.
Following Arthur to the throne room, I noticed Arthur chuckling to himself about something. Not knowing what it was, I tried asking him.
"What? I wasn't chuckling. You should do something about that brain of yours, Merlin. You're even starting to hallucinate."
"Dollophead—" but before I could finish my sentence, we have arrived to the throne room. Arthur smirked.
Turns out, we weren't late after all; Arthur just wanted to mess with me.
I couldn't pay attention to the conversation between Arthur and the king. I ended up staring at Arthur the whole time, mesmerized by him.
"—rlin. Merlin. Merlin!"
"Uhh, yeah?"
"You idiot! I said we were going on another quest. Prepare everything and meet me by the stables. We can't expect to lose another minute."
Turns out, the quest was just a cover. Even Gwen's trip with Elyan was all planned by Arthur to go on a date with her.
Sting.
Why didn't Arthur tell me about this first? So I can prepare myself. It was so sudden that my tear trickled down my face. I hadn't noticed it, until Elyan pointed it out.
"Why are you crying?"
"I'm not. Something just got caught in my eye." I replied right away.
"Right… You sure you're okay?" I know Elyan didn't mean my eye. For a while now, Elyan has caught on my feelings, but he jumped to the wrong conclusion. He thought I had a thing for his sister. Yeah right. I have a thing for her lover.
There are two other people who have realized my true feelings. Gaius and Morgana. Gaius found out almost soon after I realized my true feelings. Without Gaius, I would have hated myself for harboring these feelings.
Morgana, on the other hand, found out by accident. That day, I didn't know what came over me. I had just realized my feelings, so it wasn't as easy as now to suppress them. I was going to wake Arthur up, but he looked so peaceful and handsome asleep. My head slowly inched forward until our faces were so near I could feel his breath on my face. I came to senses after I heard a cough and realized Morgana came in the room.
After that day, not only did Morgana threaten me about telling Arthur about me poisoning her, but she also threatened about revealing my feelings.
Now that everyone knew about Morgana's betrayal, her telling anyone about me trying to poison her doesn't affect me. But she has a secret of mine I can't bear to expose. That is my love for Arthur. Sure, she is an enemy and people might not believe her, but I can't afford the small chance of Arthur finding out.
"Merlin?" Elyan shook me out of my thoughts.
"Yeah. I'm okay. Come on, let's go or Arthur will get mad at us interrupting his precious date with Gwen." I know full well that being lost in my thought did the exact opposite of what I told him. And I knew Elyan wasn't convinced.