Finn's eyes followed Rachel as she made her way down the hall, her posture upright, her eyes straight ahead. She seemed not to see the people who whispered about her as she passed them, or even hear the insults they called after her. Midget. Man hands. Hobbit. Grandma. Perhaps she was just immune to them. None of their words seemed to break her confidence and Finn couldn't help the smile that twisted the corners of his mouth at that. Rachel would never let anyone break her or make her believe she was anything less than what she knew she was.
However, the smile vanished almost as soon as it had came. The time for staring after Rachel was gone. It didn't matter how she reacted to those who taunted her or what she thought of herself, none of that should be important to him anymore. And it's not Finn told himself, firmly. Of course Rachel wasn't his priority anymore. His priority now was Quinn. Quinn and his football team.
"So who's gonna do it today?" Karofsky said from beside him. He too was eyeing up Rachel, but with very different thoughts to Finn. All was going through his mind was throwing the slushie in his hand into her face at just the right angle to soak her as much as possible. Karofsky turned to Finn, his eyes glinting with a new found idea, he'd seen the way his friend gazed at his ex, watching her walk as if she was God's gift to the Earth. It was time he got over that midget. "You know you haven't had a go in like, forever. You're not going out with her anymore, there's nothing stopping you now. It might stop you being such a loser if you showed the real geeks their place."
Finally Finn snapped his eyes away from an approaching Rachel and turned to Karofsky, a frown working away across his features. "What?" He said, absent mindedly having not heard a word his team mate said. Karofsky rolled his eyes.
"I said you should slushie man hands," he snapped impatiently.
Finn said nothing. He opened his mouth to protest, but the words wouldn't form, he couldn't even think of a good argument; nothing that came to mind seemed to fit. Except from the truth. All he could do was open and close his mouth like an idiot, hoping for something to come to mind, but it remained blank, the reason for his protests unexplainable.
"C'mon, you're not still in love with her are you?" Teased Quinn from his other side, but she smiled up at her boyfriend, not believing her own words. She too watched Rachel approach her locker, stopping at it and twisting in the combination. Finn's eyes quickly shot to her, the denial hot on his tongue before he realised Quinn wasn't even watching him having not meant what she said. He felt a wave of relief which quickly turned into dread at Karofsky's words.
"She's going to turn around any minute now," he predicted, pushing the ice cold drink into Finn's hand. "Now go get her." Finn stared at the ice in his hand, his mouth open as if Karofsky had just handed him a bomb. In that moment, Finn would have preferred it if he had. He froze awkwardly in the corridor until Karofsky gave him a shove forward and he stumbled, forcing his legs to move until he was standing behind Rachel with the slushie in hand.
With a quick glance over his shoulder, Finn saw Quinn, Karofsky and Santana all watching him, smirks dancing across their mouths, giving him sniggers of encouragement. Finn gulped, turning to the back of Rachel's head. She didn't know he was there. All he would have to do is fling it right into her face as she turned around. He wouldn't even have to look at her as he did so, he was in just the right position. Then he could walk away without once having to see her face.
Rachel slammed her locker door shut, causing Finn's heart to pound in his mouth. She was going to turn around at any moment. It's all right, he told himself, She's so used to it, people are always doing this to her.
Yeah, people. Not him.
Finn regretted the movement before he had even made it. As Rachel's head turned along with the rest of her body, he felt his hand fly forwards, the slushie flinging itself from the plastic cup, covering her clothes, face and hair with a sticky ice. She didn't even react. Not at first. She closed her eyes as if she had been expecting it all along and allowed the drink to wash over her, her wet clothes clinging to her chest.
But as much as he longed to, Finn couldn't take his own eyes off her. He stared both in horror and amazement at what he had done; at the ice that slipped down his ex girlfriend's face. He didn't even avert his eyes when hers opened and she was looking right at him, suddenly and without warning. For a single second, it was as if none of the rest of the school were there. All he saw was Rachel and the shock that filled her chocolate eyes that quickly melted into hurt.
The worst part was the silence. The long, dark, heartbreaking silence between them.
Rachel kept the eye contact for several moments, staring at Finn as if she had no clue who the boy standing in front of her was. He wasn't even sure he knew himself. Rachel blinked, the slushie suddenly not the only liquid running down her face. She didn't look at the other members of the school who had gathered around to watch the show, howling with laughter. The breakup of their relationship wasn't a secret and both of them knew whose side they were on without having to even know the story.
Without a word, Rachel tore her eyes away from Finn's and was gone from in front of him, dashing towards the girls' toilets accompanied by tears pouring down her cheeks and followed by the raucous laughter of the student body that seemed to plague her wherever she went. And still all Finn could do was stare at the spot where she once stood, the image of every inch of her features etched with hurt burned into his mind.
"Rach..." Finn's voice whispered to the empty space in front of him, wishing with every atom of his existence that he had the guts to shout her name out loud. He wished even harder that he had never done it in the first place, even when his friends gathered around him, patting on the back and congratulating him on 'a great aim'. Once again, he was popular. He was back in the spotlight for reasons that weren't damaging to his reputation, but never in his life had Finn felt more ashamed.
...
Throughout rehearsal, Rachel could feel Finn's eyes on her, his gaze burning into her, feeling as if it was doing just that. It hurt, physically hurt to have him watch her. All she wanted was for him to just leave her alone. But he couldn't even do that. He just had to keep staring at her, tearing her to pieces without even having to speak to her.
Santana swept into the auditorium, shoving past Rachel and knocking her backwards so her side connected painfully with the piano, but she didn't care. She'd take a thousand more shoves from Santana than one more slushie from Finn. He was still watching her. Probably smirking at Santana's push.
To Rachel's relief, the door to the auditorium swung open and Mr Shue strolled inside, cueing her to rush to her seat, as far away as she could get from Finn and the rest of the Glee Club. Not that the others had done anything wrong, but she knew, like the rest of the school, they were on Finn's side over the breakup. If they had to chose they'd pick him in a heartbeat. Her only worth was her voice.
Mr Shue's voice washed over Rachel as she sat lost deep in thought about what had happened earlier that day. Of course, she was used to being slushied. She got that and worse every single day. She was used to the insults, the laughter, the humiliation. But what she wasn't used to was those things coming from Finn. She had never expected him to stoop to the level of the rest of the school, not even when they split. She had thought at least one shred of him would still feel something for her to prevent that. Clearly, she had been wrong. She meant nothing to Finn now. At least no more than his reputation.
A sudden wave of feeling unsettled came over her, and Rachel blinked, dragging her thoughts away from where they had wondered. She realised that Finn was no longer staring at her. Or at least, he wasn't the only one. She could feel the eyes of every member of the Glee Club fixed upon her. She looked up, finally gazing around at the people she once called her friends, having no idea what was going on or what had just been said. Was she expected to say something? Or maybe Santana or Quinn had just made another joke at her expense. She'd believe that in an instant if it wasn't for the fact that no one seemed to be laughing.
"What?" Said Rachel eventually, flicking her eyes from person to person, being careful to avoid Finn even when doing that. It was uncomfortable, being able to feel so many pairs of eyes fixed on her, as if something was expected of her.
"We were just waiting for you to come up with a list of song choice for sectionals, all with yourself on lead vocals with ready excuses as to why no one else would be capable, for us to crush and come up with every reason why your big mouth shouldn't be opened so much in front of so many people," Santana chipped in, helpfully. Rachel blinked at her, as if she wasn't used to the comments often flung her way, even by the people who she believed to be her friends. Her gaze lingered on Santana for a few seconds, staring at her as intently as Finn continued to watch her.
"Actually, I wasn't going to say anything," said Rachel, quietly. For once, she truly didn't care about sectionals. They'd do whatever they did and Mr Shue would give whomever he liked the solos. Nothing she said would influence that, it never had in the past and it wasn't about to start now, and what was more, it didn't bother her.
Being in the spotlight wasn't something she had enjoyed recently. When Finn had thrown the slushie, half the school had been watching and having their eyes on her like that wasn't something Rachel wanted to go back to in a hurry. She had been kidding herself all this time thinking her voice made her something. To the rest of the school, Finn and even the Glee Club she was always just going to be someone to tease and mock. Someone who was just used for her voice and intelligence.
"Wow, now there's something you don't hear everyday. You know what amazes me hobbit? The size of your mouth compared to the rest of your midget body." Santana's spiteful words didn't have any effect on Rachel, and neither did her sneering look at Rachel's chest to demonstrate her point. It was her laughter that did that. The shrill noise that ran through the auditorium that caused stab after stab of pain in her heart. She'd thought they were past that. She'd thought the Glee Club were actually her friends. She didn't even look to see if Finn was laughing. She didn't want to know the answer.
Rachel opened her mouth to say something about their feeble minds and brainless comments, but before it had even begun, the fight left her. Before she'd even said a word, all the energy to argue evaporated and she was suddenly just so tired. Far too tired to fight them all. She didn't even know what it was she was meant to have done wrong. So Rachel did the only thing she could think of and got up from her seat and left without a word.
It felt strange to be in a classroom with no other kids. The four walls without the babble of noise, the paper shooting across the room at various intervals and an atmosphere that grew steadily more sleepy seemed wrong somehow, eerie. It wasn't as if Rachel wasn't used to being in classrooms all by herself. When the auditorium was full, as if was now, she had no other choice when she just wanted to be alone. The girls' bathroom was too alive with people swinging in and out.
Right now, being alone was what she wanted most in the world. No, that wasn't right. What she wanted most in the world was for things to go back to the way they were before she kissed Puck, before Finn dumped her and before she was once again the laughing stock of the whole school. Of course, that had never changed, but at least before she had Finn and the rest of the Glee Club to make it more bearable. Now it was just like she was starting out at high school all over again with nothing but her ambition motivating her to even get up in the morning.
A sudden wave of unease told Rachel she was no longer alone, but she didn't look up to see who had entered. She hoped if she ignored them, they'd get what they wanted and go away. It wasn't as if anyone was going to have come after her. But several moments passed and the person didn't seem to be going away; Rachel could still feel their presence and what was more, their eyes were boring into her. They were showing no signs of going away any time soon.
Finally, Rachel lifted her own eyes to face the stranger, her heart skipping a beat with a horrible jolt when she saw who it was. Karofsky. He'd never given her any more bother than a slushie facial, but there was something about him that scared her. The way he was with Kurt, he'd never done any more to physically hurt him than shove him into the lockers, but Rachel had seen herself how terrified he'd been of him, and he'd faced bullies all of his life. None of them had scared him more than Karofsky.
Once she had set eyes on him, Rachel couldn't take them off. She didn't trust him to be there. He was up to something, he wouldn't have stood there for so long if he was just looking for something he left behind. But what he could want with her, Rachel had no idea. If he was going to slushie her he'd do it in the middle of the hall with the whole school watching to cause maximum humiliation.
Her heart pounded harder underneath her midnight blue knitted cardigan as Karofsky took another step into the room, shutting the door firmly behind him. And another. Rachel slid of the desk she was perched on, smoothing down her white skirt as she did so, tugging gently at the ends in an attempt to cover a bit more of her legs. She didn't like the way he was looking at her. There was something leering in his stare, something hungry flashing through his eyes. He wanted something, and something told her he wasn't going to stop until he got it.
Rachel backed up as Karofsky took another step forward, her heart pounding in her mouth. He didn't rush towards her as she was expecting him to at any moment, instead he was taking it slowly, coming closer to her step by step. Rachel continued to back away from him, unable to tear her eyes away or even call out. She felt is she turned away from Karofsky for even a moment, that's when he would pounce. He'd come at her and there'd be nothing she could do to stop him. Not that there was anything she could do now.
An unexpected jolt shocked Rachel as she backed right into the wall. She swallowed hard. There was nowhere for her to go now, and by the gleaming look in Karofsky's eyes, he knew it too. The hunger grew as he came closer to her, still not saying a word and somehow, that was more terrifying than if he had openly threatened her. He breathed heavily, keeping his eyes fixed firmly on her just as Rachel was doing to him.
Karofsky grew closer and closer, drawing near enough to Rachel so she could feel his hot breath on her neck, hear the sound of it rattling thought her ear. A shudder ran through her whole body, but when she opened her mouth all that came out was a strangled gasp. She couldn't move. She couldn't even breathe. Karofsky's hands came up to the wall, one on either side of her body, trapping her there even if she hadn't been too paralysed with fear to move.
"You know there's only one thing that's really not hot about the way you look and that's your clothes. Let's see how you look with them off shall we?" It was a cheesy line, but there was nothing remotely amusing about the way Karofsky said it. His voice was low and soft, words carefully selected for her ears only. Words that sent shudders running through her once again and made the blood rushing through her veins turn cold, as if someone had soaked her with a slushie from the inside out.
He bent his head and placed a gentle kiss onto her collar bone. So softly, that it was barely there, and that was far worse than if he had forced his lips roughly onto hers, because this was the kind of moment she used to have with Finn. The soft, careful intimacy that sealed their relationship as something warm and lasting rather than a passionate fling. Or so Rachel had thought. But now Finn was gone and Karofsky was in the place he should be, forced there against her will.
"You're not even trying to fight. It's not wrong if you don't fight it," Karofsky whispered in the same soft, chilling voice as before. Rachel squeezed her eyes shut and tried desperately to cast her mind somewhere else, anywhere else. Because he was right. She hadn't even tried to fight and it was too late now. He was too big for her, too strong. She'd never be able to push him off and the more she tried, the more he was going to hurt her.
But then he was gone. Rachel could no longer feel his warm breath on her bare skin, she could no longer hear the sound of his heavy breathing, feel his gentle but forceful hands on her. She could hear sound though. Crashes, bangs, shouting. Flesh hitting flesh. She forced open her eyes, and they quickly widened at the sight in front of her.
Karofsky was on the ground, struggling to fight of a furious Finn, who would usually have been no match for him. Rachel stared in twisted fascination as Finn's fist connected with Karofsky's face time and time again. His lip was bleeding, but he didn't even seem to notice as he continued to pummel his team mate. "If-you-ever-fucking-touch-her-again-I-will-kill-you!" Finn roared, punching Karofsky again with each word. A part of Rachel wanted to plead with him to stop, because it looked as if things were headed there anyway, but she found the matter was once again taken out of her hands.
"What is going on here!" Yelled Mr Shue, bursting into the classroom and staring at the two struggling boys on the ground for a few moments before yanking Finn off of Karofsky. At first, Finn resisted, but then allowed himself to be dragged away from the other footballer, as if he too was afraid of going too far.
Mr Shue stared from Finn to a bleeding Karofsky on the ground, who was glaring furiously at both of them. Everyone seemed to have forgotten Rachel was still standing, frozen against the wall. Her eyes were wide, and now they were open, they didn't seem to want to close again, not even to blink. She couldn't believe what had just happened, what had came so close to being so much more.
"I know you two haven't always been the best of friends, but this is ridiculous! Someone had better explain this right now!" It was rare that Mr Shue lost his temper and got really mad, but Rachel knew this was one of those times. He still hadn't even noticed her, he was staring furiously from Finn to Karofsky.
"You didn't see him Mr Shue, he was all over her!" Finally the teacher's eyes travelled to Rachel cowered against the wall, her back pressed tightly against it. Rachel didn't look at him. She was still watching Finn, who was refusing to meet her eye. His eyes rested on her for just a moment, frowning in confusion before turning abruptly back to Finn, no calmer than he was a few moments ago.
"You can't just go attacking people for kissing your ex Finn! It doesn't work that way!"
"But she didn't want it!" Finn yelled, finally losing it with his teacher. He was breathing heavily, his fists clenched by his sides, and for a moment, Rachel was afraid he was going to go for Mr Shue. He certainly looked mad enough. She hadn't even seen him like this when he'd found out about Puck and Quinn.
But as soon as the words were out of his mouth, Finn's anger seemed to leave him. His body relaxed and his fists unclenched. He stared at Karofsky, who was finally hauling himself up from the floor, the anger was still clear in his features, but it was no longer the stone cold, uncontrollable fury he had experienced when he'd been beating Karofsky.
A silence had fallen over the room that no one seemed to want to fill and all Rachel could think about was getting out of there. At least away from Karofsky. She knew now why Kurt had been so terrified of him. It wasn't his muscles, or his threat of beatings, it wasn't even his size, or the volume he always spoke with. It was his presence. His calm, careful presence that was the worst part of him. Because then there was no way of guessing what his next move would be, it was impossible to read his body language, and when he was already calm, no one could step in and relax him to stop him going too far. He had been completely in his right mind every moment with her and it was that sanity that scared Rachel most of all.
"Right, Karofsky, I'm taking you down to the Nurse's office to get you cleaned up and then we are going right to Mr Figgin's. You have gone way too far this time. Finn, take care of Rachel. Of course Figgins is going to want to talk to her too."
"Don't waste your time Mr Shue," said Rachel, quietly. It was the first thing she had said since storming out of Glee Club and everyone, including Karofsky, turned to stare at her. Not for the first time that day, Rachel felt she was burning under their gaze, being withered into nothing.
"When he was tormenting Kurt, he got away with it because he never actually did any more than push him into the lockers, and it was the same just now. He didn't actually...do anything. He just scared me. He only implied his intentions. Never directly threatened me. Figgins will just say the same thing Miss Silvester said to Kurt, the school can't kick someone out because they scared someone. There's no evidence, no direct crime."
Rachel stopped and shut her mouth abruptly. That was one of those times she probably should have stopped talking a long time ago, but as usual when she was insecure or scared, the words had just poured out and she'd found herself unable to stop talking long after she'd got her point across.
"Rachel-" Mr Shue started, he was still staring at her. But now as if she had sprouted a new pair of arms.
"Look, I know what he did," she interrupted before his lecture could even start. "I just know the school's policy on people like him and there's nothing they can do. They allowed Kurt who had done nothing wrong to be driven out of this school and he's still roaming the corridors as if he's innocent. I want to be noticed, but not for this. Just leave it. Please."
Rachel swallowed, and dropped her eyes to the floor, for once not wanting the spotlight she had been given. Everyone's eyes were still on her and she wished they'd all just turn away. Especially Finn. His stare bore into her, as if he was trying to see through her and reach every part with a simple look. He'd never looked at her in that way before and Rachel knew she never wanted him to again. It was a look of pity, and most of all shame.
Mr Shue sighed. He looked from Rachel, to Finn, to Karofsky who was leaning against the teacher's desk at the front of the classroom. The last thing he wanted was for Karofsky to get away with terrifying a student yet again, not just a student, but one of his kids. But he knew deep inside that Rachel was right. Karofsky hadn't done anything. Not by definition at least. There were no rules against being alone in a classroom with another student. Rachel herself had said he hadn't actually touched her.
"If you ever so much as breathe on another student without their permission again, I will make sure you are thrown out of here Karofsky. Now get out." Without a word to anyone, Karofsky stormed heavily from the room as if he were the one to be mistreated. All three of the others watched him go and Rachel didn't realise how much his presence had been effecting until he was out of the door. Her entire body relaxed and she let out a breath she didn't even know she had been holding.
But with him gone, it was as if her subconscious had given her permission to finally react. She drew her arms around her waist and dropped her head rather than her usual straight backed, head high posture. For once, Rachel didn't want to draw attention to herself. She wanted to be as small as possible or better yet disappear altogether. Failing that, she wanted to be alone, but two pairs of eyes were still on her and the deafening silence was the worst part of all. It almost made her wish Karofsky was still there, at least then, there was noise.
"Uh...Mr Shue? Could you leave us alone for a moment? I really need to talk to Rachel." Finn wrenched his eyes away from her, sensing her unease and turned instead to his teacher, who for a moment looked uncertain, but with a nod of reassurance from Rachel, he reluctantly left the room, promising to be right outside.
As soon as he left, the silence was louder than ever. Not even the babble of chatter from the corridor could be heard, most students went to their lessons long ago and those who were bunking off weren't dumb enough to hang around the corridors. Rachel did nothing to fill it. It was Finn who got rid of Mr Shue, he clearly had something to say and although Rachel wasn't sure she wanted to hear it, it was better than suffering in the ongoing stretch of silence.
"Are you okay?" asked Finn after a long time of listening to nothing but the sound of their own breathing. "You sure he didn't touch you?" Rachel nodded. She was still shaking and just wanted to talk about something, anything, that wasn't Karofsky and what had just happened. The awkward silence fell again and Rachel felt a familiar spark of irritation inside her. Finn could be such a slow-poke sometimes.
"Finn, will you just say what you want to say so we can both leave here and go back to ignoring each other indefinitely." Rachel swallowed hard to push the tremor out of her voice and finally lifted her eyes to look at the boy who she had hurt, and who had hurt her so much in return. The boy she still loved.
"Listen Rach, I'm sorry about the slushie...I didn't want to do it, but-"
"You were worried it would harm your otherwise perfect reputation that you've spent months rebuilding if you didn't," she finished for him, the shake wiped from her voice and her gaze hard and firm, staring him out.
"I'm sorry," Finn repeated, hopelessly. It was his turn to drop his gaze. Rachel's were hard and blazing with the passion he knew so well, but behind that, he saw her heartbreak, her fear. Both put there by him. She was afraid of a footballer she wouldn't have been alone with if he'd only stuck up for her in Glee Club, or gone after her from the beginning rather than leaving it until no one was watching and he could slip quietly away to find her.
"So am I." Rachel's words made Finn want to beg her not to walk away, promise that he could be whoever she wanted him to be, that he would never allow his reputation to get in the way of his feelings for her again because she meant so much more than that. She meant more than all of them, but he couldn't even find the voice to tell her he loved her.
And she was walking away from him. One cautious step towards the door turned into two, followed by another, growing quicker and quicker as the exit came closer. "Rach-" Finn broke off, not even knowing what his next words were going to be, just that he couldn't let her go again. He lunged for her hand, so small compared to his own, and held her fingers loosely in his only to drop them again when he felt her flinch. The worst part was not knowing was if it was because of Karofsky or because of him.
But she'd stopped. Just for one moment, she had stopped. Finn opened his mouth to speak again, to just tell her the thoughts that were going through his mind until she believed them too, but he didn't get the chance. "Thank-you, Finn. For arriving on time and getting him away from me. I won't forget that. But I can't be with someone who values his reputation more than he does me."
After that, it just didn't matter. It wouldn't make the smallest difference what he said then because he knew already that he'd lost her. Because everything she said was right. He had put his reputation before her. He broke her heart. He did nothing as she opened the door and slipped out of it, telling himself one thing over and over again. Let her go.
Finn's eyes stayed on her retreating back all the way down the hall he could see through the open door and long after she'd turned the corner. He watched her every step, and felt in that moment how it was to be the one left behind. Rachel didn't once look back.
The bell rung out signalling the end of the period. Soon, hundreds of students would be pouring out of classrooms and he would no longer be able to see her as she walked away from him.
Hundreds of students.
A smile crossed Finn's features, the first real one he'd experienced in weeks. The corridor was filled with jocks, Cheerios, geeks and most of the football team, wearing their jackets as a warning of anyone who tried to come close. But Finn barely noticed the way people parted for them, the way they parted for him as he raced down the corridor. He only saw one person. The person he had been given one last chance to prove himself to.
Finn's hand shot out towards Rachel for the second time that day, but that time he seized her shoulder and spun her around to face him. Instead of seeing hurt and betrayal flashing in her eyes, he saw surprise, curiosity and maybe a flicker of hope. Hope that he ignited as he bent his head and kissed her full on the mouth, right there and then in the middle of the corridor with the hundreds of students milling around them.
And for once, Finn didn't care who was watching as his well built reputation with the rest of the school crumbled down around him to reveal the reputation he'd built in Rachel's eyes. The only one he cared about.
Reviews much loved, but if you're going to be mean, do it nicely (which makes perfect sense in my mind). I was going to think of a better title for this, but I am so tired I think this one is just going to have to do.