Draco Malfoy was nervous. More nervous than he had been his entire life. Months ago, Draco had reached the realization that he had a crush. But this crush was not simple. Nothing in his life was. Draco had spent his Hogwarts career making enemies and alliances, not friends or girlfriends. It was assumed by the school, and the girl herself, that Pansy Parkinson was his girlfriend. Draco did not agree, and had gently informed Pansy of this fact several times.
What originally tipped Draco off, was the feeling of respect and slight adoration that rushed through him at the sight of her. When she quickly turned in his direction and gave a brilliant smile, he was left breathless. Alas, it was not he that had earned this smile but the Weaslette sitting at the next table over. This was the first time his thoughts had been so clear as to his feelings towards her. He had always thought the ache he felt as she walked by, glaring or worse, ignoring him, was caused by his irritation. He had always been told that Muggle-borns were beneath him. The fact that this girl was so perfect really grated his nerves. Oh how foolish he had been.
His foolish ideologies (more like his father's), finally started to rub off in late third year. His respect for Muggle-borns, especially her, grew to an extent that he could not overlook the fact that she was not dirtier and worse than him. The doubts niggling in his brain since second year finally were resolved. The love she had for her friends, and the clear amount of power and energy she spent defending her morals was worth more than anything he had heard of from his father.
He began watching her after this revelation, trying to pinpoint what it was that was so special. For one, she matched (and perhaps surpassed) his intelligence. Their battles of wits were one hundred times better than any argument he had with Scarhead and the Weasel. But beyond that, her strong morals, and loyalty to her friends was clear as day to anyone. She also wore her heart on her sleeve, her love for her friends was obvious. She would do anything for them. In the Malfoy household, that openness and show of emotion was practically outlawed. These things were only done in private. This was not the case for her.
He wasn't sure when she became his angel, either. Perhaps it was the way the world lit up when she was near. Or the way her beauty stunned him every time. It could have been the sheer amount of goodness in her, comparable to none other. One day, he had gotten an awful letter from his father, all about how he was still behind the Muggle in grades, and Potter in quidditch. About how he would feel the pain that this disappointment caused when he returned home for winter holidays. As he was reading the letter in the Great Hall, he attempted to control his reaction. Draco knew exactly what would be in store for him at the manor. He felt himself pale and begin to shake slightly. He hated holidays. As he was lost in thought, he felt eyes on him. Looking around the Hall he found a certain Muggle-born Gryffindor watching him, a questioning look in her eye. Odd, he thought, that she had noticed his fear, yet no one else in the Hall had. As he was walking through the corridor to his next class, Potions, he saw Granger approaching him slowly, tentatively. They were all alone in the corridor, she had managed to ditch her bodyguards. As she walked his way, he could see the uncertainty in her eyes.
"Malfoy," she nodded in greeting. "What happened in there?"
"Nothing for you to worry about," he replied, his voice even and calm. Could she read the panic in his eyes? The confusion of her actually approaching him, seemingly worried? Anyway, she was already giving up, as he obviously wasn't going to say anything. She walked away and he watched, transfixed. Who was this girl, the epitome of good in the world?
One day, he finally realized he had fallen for her. He supposed he had always had a crush, even in first year, but never knew how to deal with it. Now, he was long gone, lost to her. But as he reached this conclusion, he realized with a start that even though he had finally admitted it to himself, it didn't matter. She wouldn't care, she didn't care about him. If anything, she would feel better with him just ignoring her for the rest of their time at Hogwarts. The pain he felt in his chest spread and he was filled with longing. He had never touched the girl he loved, only spoken to her kindly twice. What was he to do now?
So when fourth year came, and an opportunity arose, he was torn. Of course, he knew how this could turn out, but there was the slightest chance he might get a happy ending after all. Was it worth the risk? Then he saw his angel, with the smile that made his heart stop as she laughed and joked with her friends. It was worth it. If he didn't try, he would always regret, always wonder.
It took him months but he finally worked up the courage. The Yule Ball would be in a month. Girls were starting to get excited, and guys were anxious about finding a date. He was going to ask her today. He had been in the library the past few weeks making decisions, and getting her accustomed to him. True, he sat 3 tables away but when he entered the library now, she didn't look suspicious or wary. She simply ignored it and went back to her work. So, yes, Draco Malfoy was feeling nervous. He had never put himself on the line like this before. His pride and heart were on the line. He could feel his palms sweating.
Slowly, Draco reached the tipping point. He repacked his bag and approached her. Keeping some distance between them but coming close enough that no one would overhear, he said,
"Hello" She looked up, started. He had never spoken to her in the library before. She looked very wary,
"What do you want, Malfoy?"
"I… uh wanted to, to ask you something," he said cautiously, with a few slight stutters in his speech. He was sure he must be blushing by now.
"Okay," she responded slowly, looking suspicious.
He felt his heart rate spike as it finally came down to the hard part.
"I was wondering… if you might, um, well, I was considering going to the Yule Ball. Would you be opposed to going? You know, with me?" He asked. He looked at her in anticipation and slight panic.
And then she laughed. And he knew it was over. Oh, how awful this pain felt.
"Don't be an idiot, Malfoy. Me? Going with you? Hell will freeze first." He felt his blood freeze, his heart clench, and the pain become such an awful throb. Then he clearly felt his heart snap. It was over. No happy ending for stupid little Malfoy. Oh, karma was a bitch. The worst part was he felt he deserved it. There was no worse feeling in the world than wanting something you know you can't have, and its all your fault. He'd have to thank his father for this one, but in the end it was his actions and their past which created this ending for him. He wondered if Madame Pomfrey had any numbing potions she could give him, no questions asked.
But in the end, he was still a Malfoy. She could have given him a chance to be Draco and not Malfoy, but so it goes. She had laughed at him, in his moment of vulnerability. Even though he was sure his pain and despair showed in his eyes for a second, she seemed oblivious to the hurt she had caused him. And the worst part was, he couldn't hate her for it. No, he was doomed to love her for eternity. So he did what was necessary and attempted to keep a straight face. But when he spoke he couldn't keep the ice out of his voice, it was already running through his veins, after all.
"Right then. Goodbye Granger." And he meant it. Every time he saw her again he spoke in terms bordering on polite, but his voice remained cool. She had rejected him and his heart couldn't suffer showing her another weakness. So no matter how much he wanted to persuade her to notice him, to care for him, to do anything, he didn't. The opportunity had come and gone.
He had seen her at the Yule Ball with Krum. It had burned deep in his throat how happy she looked. But that was what really mattered, wasn't it? That she was happy? But, oh, how he wanted to be selfish and show her that he would do anything for her. And though Draco Malfoy was determined to move on from that time when he was in love with her, it never happened. He was no Gryffindor, he felt helpless to save the girl he loved. He hated himself for it every day. Especially on her bad days, when she was obviously unhappy, he wished he could cheer her up, help her, encourage her, do anything. But he was nothing, nothing to her. He would have to learn to accept it and build a damn good facade. So that's what he did.