being everything and nothing

by Yui Miyamoto

Kojuurou is trying to deal with how to handle Masamune after his first battle...

1fandom: Sengoku Basara
title: being everything and nothing
pairing: Masamune + Kojuurou
rating: pg-13
description: Kojuurou is trying to deal with how to handle Masamune after his first battle...

Disclaimer – Sengoku Basara isn't mine but belongs to IG Productions and Capcom. I'm just a Katakura-san fan who grew to love Date too.

As the sun was preparing to set, its color was the reddest I'd ever seen in my entire life. My eyes squinted as I looked up to the tall cedar tree and tried to focus on my charge's figure standing on one of its branches.

I took a moment to gaze intently at his silhouette, his hand leaning on the tree trunk and his head watching the sun slowly hide itself away for the night.

"Come down from the tree, my Lord."

"No!" His fingers gripped onto the tree trunk tighter.

"As you wish." I nodded nonchalantly and pretended that I didn't understand why he wanted to stay there a bit longer, that he was again running away from his parents for a little while.

I looked down at the ground for a moment and when I glanced up again, his single eye was staring at me solemnly. His lips remained silent as they had been all afternoon.

As we watched one another, I remembered my mother's words: "No matter what happens, it is your duty to be with him until your last breath."

Being everything and nothing.

By miyamoto yui

Now that we were older, the tree that he used to climb up looked smaller. He stopped going up there when he turned eight so that he could do more serious training with his father. But I still went there once in a while, and every time I looked up to that certain branch, those lingering feelings, for a few seconds, would squeeze my lungs of all the air inside of them.

I didn't know why, but I felt like the tree and I were the same.

Filled with clouds after the rain, we quickly went back to Aoba Castle in the darkness. My head pointed south towards the direction of where the tree stood as we passed by it.

I watched him as he proudly rode on, pretending to be what they all wanted him to be: Arrogant, self-assured, and aggressive. No one would believe in a leader without all these things and without them, death was closer. Within an instant of indecision.

And so, to protect all this and the person under all that armour, I was always there behind him.

The shadow...

the Other.

Because of this, I threw myself aside, thinking that I was nothing. Expendable.

I was just another person following orders.

I'd like to think of myself as his other half, but he was too prideful, too cunning. He'd never reassure me that way. It was a system we'd silently created so that he could keep me from wandering off, and I wouldn't fall behind from his underlying affections.

In another sense, when it came to me, he was never confident. So, even if I grew to hate him, he'd accept it as long as I never left.

To me, it didn't matter if I had a name or not to you. After all, I was just the son of your nursemaid.

Since the day you ran in the green fields around the castle and I looked after you, my thoughts were always the same: "Someday, when you grow up, you'll forget me because by then, you will know thousands of people. You will lead them all and I will be in that crowd, supporting you as always."

But at that moment, all I could do was sit here by his side silently and attentively. As my eyes watched his sleeping figure, I squeezed my fists so hard, my nails pressed into my hands, making the calluses bleed. Without thinking, I mumbled, "When I die, I want to be under that tree."

He opened his single eye and it looked up at me. "What are you talking about?"

I wiped my hands on one of the cloths I'd brought. "Hmm? Oh...Masamune-sama, are you still awake?"

"Yes, of course. I just closed my eyes. I couldn't sleep after all that. You know that."

The scar on my cheek ached.

"Then, I will leave you to rest." I bowed my head to leave, but he grabbed my wrist as I was getting up. I remained kneeling with my hand pinned to the floor.

Startled, I blinked at him. He had never done that before.

"Yes?"

"I didn't say you could leave." He looked away.

I didn't move and so, he let go of my hand.

"I need to be bandaged."

"I will call the doctor then."

"No. I want YOU to do it."

"Yes, Masamune-sama." I nodded my head and stood up to leave.

I walked down the hallway to my room to get the bandages, but when I came back out, I stopped to look up again at the sky which had no stars out.

No matter how heavy my heart got, I'd learn a long time ago how to carry those tears. I could not let them out, so inside, I grew a little heavier each time.

Maybe that's why everything else seemed so light.

It was so much easier than watching him grow up without me...

Watching and knowing that I'd be nothing more...

Never knowing if I could be less than this.

But he'd reassure me time and time again: Yes, I could make you fall lower.

And I'd let him. Whether it was my duty or my feelings, for they were one and the same to me, I'd absolutely allow him to do it.

It was not something I was always proud of, though I know the others around me were continuously surprised and in awe as to what extent my loyalty went to. The boundaries grew wider as time went by.

It would scorch my blood and choke me, and yet, I would still serve him as if nothing hurt me.

You could never truly love someone and not cross the line. That wouldn't be called love if you still preserved yourself somehow.

That's when 'selfish' crosses into 'selfless'.

I walked back to his room and he called me inside. I entered as I usually did, bowing and kneeling before him even though his back was to me.

"The chest. The back. The eye."

The eye? I was never in charge of that.

I knelt closer to him as he sat on the veranda. The cool breeze blew and I stretched out the cloth, wrapping it around his chest as meticulously as I could considering that I was doing it from behind. But as I put my arms around him from the back, he leaned into my chest.

Embarrassed, I looked away and down at the tatami mats. "I cannot finish if you lean like this, Masamune-sama."

He pulled my neck and looked up at my face.

I finally met his eye and looked down at him, shaking. "Is something wrong?"

"All those men..." He closed his eye and pulled me forward so that our foreheads touched. "..and because of you, I won my first battle."

"No, I just did as I was supposed to. Like all of them."

He sighed and closed his eye, wincing in pain. "I regret leaving you behind."

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Where was the overconfident youth of fifteen that was out there in the battlefield a few hours ago?

"And yet, you still came to save me." He traced the scar with his finger.

I shook my head. "My life was yours since you were born."

Why did you leave me behind? I was in the castle feeling so useless and then they told me you were-

I sighed and took a deep breath.

"Kojuurou?"

"Yes?"

"Call me by my first name like when we were children."

"I..."

"Why does it matter what age we are now?"

"For what?"

"For you to do this as you always have? When did we have to stop being close? Even when there's no one around?"

"Am I doing something wrong? Did I do something out of the usual?"

"That is the problem with you, Kojuurou. You ALWAYS do the right thing." He opened his eye and he was looking straight into me.

"Because you always get into trouble." I tried to make him laugh.

He turned around and pushed me so that I was lying on the floor while he sat on my stomach. I was still holding onto the piece of white bandage in my hand.

His eye gave me a determined, haughty look. "You will always do what I order you to do."

"Yes."

"Even if it's against your will, you will always follow me."

"Of course."

"So this...all this is just loyalty." He took my collar into his hands and held it firmly.

There is no room for love. That is not a word here inside of me, my lord. It is trite to say such things...

"Even if you hate me, Kojuurou, you cannot EVER leave me."

"Yes, Sir."

He looked down at me and I kept on staring up.

It will always be like this. The words to be said cannot come out and what naturally should be done, will not. Our standstill is held by pride, seared in loyalty, promised in blood...

I know very well I cannot go anywhere where you cannot reach me. I am reminded of it every day.

It was then that I reached up and unwrapped the bandage over his eye. His single eye stared into mine with so much anxiety and anticipation.

I put my palm over the place where his right eye should have been and smiled. "You have no idea that your eye is so powerful, you don't need two."

His single eye closed halfway in amusement and I covered his eye once more. When I was finished, he just continued to stare down at me with that conceited expression of his to hide all the things he wouldn't forget from his battle. As always, I didn't do anything but stare straight back to assure him that I wouldn't ever look away.

I wouldn't ever be ashamed of you.

"I won't ever leave you behind again, Kojuurou." He leaned forward and his head touched my chest.

"Thank you, Masamune-sama."

He got up, but I couldn't see his face as I sat up. He sat on the veranda again and stared at the garden when I stood up. I gathered the dirty cloths and bandages, bowed, and left his room.

In the middle of the night, I went down to the riverbank to wash everything. I would stop once in a while to look at the bloodied bandages. Unable to throw them away, I cleaned them and set them aside.

There was no way any normal person could sleep after that. I was only human

after all, no matter how perfect he said I was at times.

I was scared too and my heart was beating so hard to prove that point. I feared not getting to the battle in time.

I closed my eyes tightly and opened them again. I washed with my heart aching as I thought of him when he was four years old...

"We're the same."

"No. We are not. When you grow up, you will be the ruler of this entire land that you see before you."

"And you will be with me."

"Yes, of course."

"Then we are the same. I'll tell them so!"

"It doesn't matter what the others see as long as you think that, my Lord."

"What do you mean?"

"I am what you say I am."

"And I say we are equal!"

I put my hand on his head before he ran to capture rabbits in the field.

I was so sure he'd forgotten all that by now-

"Kojuurou!"

"Masamune-sama?"My body turned towards his direction.

He came to stand next to me as I kneeled by the rushing water. He blinked his eye, and I thought I saw a glint of light there before he grabbed my chin.

He tipped my face upwards as he leaned forward to kiss me. I tried to avert my head away, but the more his hand firmly held onto my chin and kissed me with more feeling than before.

Then, when he pulled away, he looked at me with that intensity that I thought was only reserved for the battlefield...

It is that eye that captures me over and over. When you fight, it shines like the scale of a dragon. I've seen it since you were little, but today was different. You weren't ever as beautiful as when you held your sword with that ferocious eye and glanced at me before killing the man who cut my face.

"DON'T TOUCH MY PROPERTY!"

Yes, that's right. I belonged to you.

He winked his eye and smirked triumphantly before standing up, but it was my turn to grab his sleeve. He fell into my lap and I held him warmly and tenderly whispered the name from his childhood into his ear.

He held my arm and closed his eye to sleep peacefully, even if it was just for a few hours.

And during that time, I was going to pretend I was everything before feeling like nothing all over again...

Owari./The End.

Author's note: A sudden inspiration last Wednesday sparked this, but ironically, I had not watched Sengoku until today.

I had gone to Sendai during the end of March. I had no interest in Date Masamune, but really loved Katakura-san, of which I couldn't understand why. Then, when I went to Sendai, I really fell in love with Date because he is as cool as they said. I went to his grave twice, but it must be fate though since a nice grandma guided me to Katakura-san's grave in Shiroishi.

When I went to see him, I stood there and tears came out of my eyes. I don't cry in public. Except my brother, I've never cried in front of a man before but I didn't get why I felt so strongly until I actually stood there praying to him. I felt such a warm, yet powerful presence that it was overwhelming. I wished that I could be even one-fourth of how strong he was.

That experience changed me and ever since, I wanted to write something for Basara and now, I have.

I hope that you enjoyed it. Thank you very much.

Love always,

Yui

7/8/2012 3:13:05 AM