Telling Her

The poet Constance Fenimore Woolsen once wrote , and I quote:

'We shrink within ourselves in voiceless sorrow, leaving the words unsaid,
And, side by side with those we love the dearest, in silence on we tread.'

I'm not much a romantic. I don't bring flowers or write love notes. My idea of a date would be going to a U2 concert or drinking tequilla half the night with her. Getting drunk that we end up having forgettable sex. Then wake up in the morning with a terrible headache not from the liquor but from having another senseless night. I know its cruel, but it's the truth. Half the time I wake up with a woman I barely know.

And I know why.

I'm attracted to her, and I have no idea of how to tell her. I go on dates to try to forget her, but in the end I still end up wanting her. Wishing for her, constantly thinking of her.

Silence can really be deafening. The quietness of not able to express how I feel for her is so loud, its driving me to the brink of insanity. How much longer can I keep up with this?

I really need help, I need to tell her. Somehow.

"Hey, Cath, you busy?" I gently knock on her door. If I confide in somebody it might as well be Catherine. Catherine is straight, more attuned to the human soul. She understands people, knows what it is to love and to loose love, understands joy and sorrow. Plus, Catherine never tells.

Grissom, on the other hand will give all these analogies and makes you figure it out yourself. He'd be a great psychiatrist.

"Come in, Greg. I'm just finishing up my report. What's up?" She looks up from her table shuffling files around.

She looked busy, "well, I'll come later, Cath. Just wanted to ask you something." I scratched my head and started backing out the door.

"Greg, no, wait," she stands up and hold out her hand. "Come on in, lets talk."

I sit down. Take a deep breath and let it out. I don't know how to start.

She looks at me, giving me time to start. I unconsciously look at my watch, I see the second hand keeping its pace. Okay.

"Cath, would you date a person like me. Ummm, hypothetically speaking?"

She looks at me, as if trying to read me.

"Okay, Greg, whose the chick this time? What did you do again?"

"Nothing!" I let my hands up the air. "That's it, nothing. I've done nothing yet, Cath. I like her. A lot. But she doesn't know it. I don't know if she would like me for being me, if I asked her on a date would she go out with me. So I'm asking you. You know me, Cath. Would you go out on a date with me, knowing me? Again, hypothetically speaking."

I know that look on Catherine's face, she's in deep thought. Yeah, she's weighing it in. If the Greg package worth dating.

"She got you , Greg, huh."

"Yeah, she got me good, Cath," I reply with my head down, finding interest in my shoelace. Catherine wouldn't even consider going out with me, I guess I'm that bad of a date then.

"Hey, Greg,"she says, "look at me,Greg."

I lift my head up slowly and look back at her face.

"Yes, I would go out with you, again, hypothetically speaking. Yes I would," she says with a smile.

"Really, Cath? I mean you would really go out with me? Of course, hypothetically speaking. Wow! Really, huh."

"Yeah, really, Greg. I mean you're a fun person. True to yourself. A kid at heart. Your funny and sweet," she reaches out and pats my hand. "Now tell me about your lady love and why such a hesitation asking her out?"

I shift uncomfortably in the chair. I look at her desk and start to count the paperclips.

"Greg, if your not comfortable, its okay."

"She's wonderful," I blurt out. "'She's beautiful, smart, funny and kind. She tells amazing jokes. She can be sarcastic but its always in line. She brings in an air of freshness when she comes in to work. She's…she's everything and a lot more…" I trailed off.

"Wow, Greg. I've never really heard you talk about someone like this. She must be special." Catherine leans back in her chair and smiles broadly.

"Yeah, she is special, Cath." In a low tone I continue, "she turns my world upside down. I mean, everything within me is chaotic. But when I'm talking to her or just being near her, it seems like everything comes in order. I like the feeling of it. I mean, I like it….I like her a lot, Cath. She makes me feel, you know, alive inside. I like working side by side with her, every chance I get. I love listening to her, her thoughts, conclusions, questions and answers, everything about her. That it hurts inside of me..."

"Greg, you're in love with her."

"I think I am, Cath. And it scares me. A hell of a lot!"

"Why?" Catherine asks.

"Why? Wow, its funny how a 'why' can break you down." I laugh of the thought why being in love scares me.

"Hey, Greg, being in love is a natural thing. Sometimes you cant help it falling for that person. I know its scary, but its a risk you gotta take. If you never tell her, you'll never know, right?" she says sympathetically.

"I cant tell her, Cath. I don't know how. I want to but it scares me. I know it's not right. But… I don't know. Cath, I'm just Greg Sanders and she's like, way high over me." I put my hand over my head as if giving out a measurement.

"Greg, you're an awesome guy. A girl would be lucky to be with you." Catherine replies with a grin.

"Cath," I smile at her, "that's the difference, she's not a girl, she's a woman."

"Greg," she says reassuringly, "she still would be lucky. Go tell Sara what you feel before you get cold feet again."

I look at Catherine and in a low whisper, "its not her."

She stands up, starting to pick up the files and continues, "she's be surprised but at least she'll know and you'll know from there."

"Catherine," I say again, "its not her.'

"She'll be..What? What do you mean it's not Sara?" she drops the files back one her desk looks at me, "its Mia?"

"Not her either, Cath," I say quietly. "Its none of them."

"Then who the hell that you work with that… Greg. What are you saying?" her voice is a raised now. This is what I feared most.

"Catherine, please, lower your voice." I get up and walk to her door and close it slowly.

"Greg, don't shit with me, I'm not in the mood right now." I can see the anger in her eyes.

"Cath, you yourself said we cant help who we love. I cant help it if I'm falling for you."

I walk toward her door and open it, I look at her one more time, "I'm sorry, Cath, for letting you know that I'm in love with you."

"Greg, wait."

"It's okay, Cath. I understand." I slowly close her door.

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comments, suggestions are honest to goodness welcomed. greg/cath pairing is new to me.