As I laid on my bed awake. Thinking of all the memories "him" and I created. The wonderful moments I thought would last a life time. I realize how I was never actually close to being happy with "him", no one can be when your life is based on lies. On empty words with no meaning. How I miss those days, being able to hear his voice saying "I love you too" and smiling even though deep inside me I knew it was all a lie.
12 Months ago...
My life was not horrible... not better then it is now. But also not as painful as it is now.
Yea.. I'm talking about the 23rd... some people know what that is... One person in particular knows exactly what it is. And that person will actually never read this. Unless the weak person I am gives up on the secret.
I'm sick of living in this lie. I've let it go on too long. Wishing I had a way to make it stop. not just the lie. But the pain too.
There was a point when I thought it was over... and I wish life had stayed at that point.
Life is cruel, if you didn't know that. Now you do.
I realize you don't care how many tears I spill over you. How much I truly love you. Or loved you. How you don't care that I'm happy. How you don't care if I'm dead or a live.
How you don't care about anything but HER! Even if you know that she is only putting you back together to break you again. I warned you but you don't care what I have to say. So when you kill yourself cuz of her I wouldn't cry over you... I'll stand over your grave with a big grave stone saying "I told you so" and a shovel.
Whatever. I wish you were dead... no not dead. That's a bit too harsh. I wish you would just go away... and stay away. Along with all your lies and what you call "a life". Which just happens to be you're excuse for living life feeling sorry that she dumped you.
The hell with that. Let her break you again. Let her drive you to the point were you kill yourself. I don't care anymore. Yes... I'll love you. I'll just let life go on as if you never existed.
I wish you a happy death... And I'll start saving for the airplane ticket and the grave stone... I already have a shovel.