Title: Whole Truth
Pairing: Lila/Reid
Series Information: 19 of LR DB Section. Following the two parts of Weakness
Rating: Meh.
Summary: When Lila visits, Spencer loses it.
Author's note: Okay, in Elephant's Memory, Spencer says he's been clean 10 months. Which throws my story for a loop, because… how the hell has it been 10 months since Jones? So I'm going to try and explain this (and make a change to one of the previous stories, if needed.) Alright! So… One Day at A Time (fic) happens right after, and takes up about a month of time, right? So that's Month 1. And then Spence works for two more weeks after that fic and gets two weeks off work so… when Off Time occurs that's the ending of Month 2. They fight and they don't talk for what? Like 6-7 weeks while she's filming? (Month 3 and 4) And that deals with Check Mate, Follow Through, Displacement and yada yada yada. So what? A month (getting us to Month 5?) have to pass before be get to Abandoned right? And they fight. And in Family, Spencer when confessing he loves her says he hasn't spoken to her in 11 weeks. That's like 3 months? (Month 8!) and then the 3rd life case happens a month after than. Month 9...so Elephants memory which is like…be like 10 months. Huh. Look at that.

Spencer gets home to see Lila asleep on his couch one of his shirts and his socks, mismatching even. He smiled, forgetting about Chester Hardwick. He set down his bag before making his way over at her. He never understood why she fell asleep on the couch, rather than just laying in the bed. It was much more comfortable than the couch. He brushes her hair away from her face, taking her in. The blue shirt only had a couple of buttons done, her chest and stomach exposed from where the top buttons and the bottom ones had been left undone. His fingers move over the skin under her collarbones and her chest rises as she breathes in deeper, turning to him. His eyes raise to her face, her eyes are still closed, lips still slightly parted. He moves his hand from the skin though, just in case. His eyes move over her stomach and hip. He fixes the shirt so it's covering her more before he shakes her a little.

"Lila, come on, let's go to bed."

She doesn't wake up and he breathes out, looking at her, trying to figure if he could possibly carry her to the room. She couldn't weigh more than 110-120 pounds. He turned calculating the distance from the couch to the bedroom; it wasn't that far. He moved his arms under her and picked her up, waking her in the process.

"Holy shit, Spence." Her arms moved around his neck, instinctively to keep from falling which actually helped him. "Put me down! Spencer Reid!"

He didn't though, not until she was on the bed. She looked up at him, slightly annoyed.

"You could have just woken me up."

"I tried that." He said, his eyes falling to how the shirt had moved away from her thighs again. She noticed and pulled the shirt closed.

"You could have hurt yourself."

"…I'm not that weak."

She frowns before reaching out and pulling him closer by his hips. "I didn't mean you were weak, baby."

"Doesn't that what 'you could have hurt yourself' infers. That I'm not strong enough to carry you?"

She looks at him before standing up. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing. I'm sorry. I'm just tired."

She watches as he moves into the bathroom before sitting back on the bed. He was cranky, more cranky than usual. She chewed on her bottom lip. Was he using again? He comes out of the bathroom a few minutes later and walks over to her.

"I'm sorry."

She shakes her head, trying to see any signs that he had used in the bathroom.

"It's just today, Hotch and I… a inmate thought that if he killed us then his execution would be put off and…"

"Oh god, were you hurt?"

He shakes his head. "I continued to talk until the guards got back, but…" He shrugs.

She pouts and reached out again. He tenses a little as she wraps her arms around him. "It's more than that, though, isn't it, Spence?" She tries.

He doesn't say anything, he just rests his head on her shoulder. She frowns as his arms move around her waist and he pulls her closer and tighter, almost uncomfortably so. She doesn't say anything though.

"I've been lying to you."

She's the one that tenses now, her mind racing with everything that he could have been lying about. She breathes in, bracing herself.

"About what, baby?"

"I… I haven't been going to meetings."

She pulls back.

"I.. tried to go to one and I.. couldn't get even through the door and then I went to the Beltway Cops one and.. I…I stayed for a few minutes, but I couldn't…"

"But you knew things about-"

"I went with Elle to hers a couple times. I never spoke about my…thing, but… I mean, I..I don't think I can do that. I can't get up in front of people and tell them about what I did."

"It's not what you did, Spence. It's who you are. You're an addict. You need help….support."

He frowns. "I had you."

"You told me that you had been going every week. You got off the phone with me two weeks ago to go to one. Where did you go?"

He frowns, looking at his fingernails. "A bar."

Her eyebrows raise. "You went to a bar?"

"I…" He sighs. "JJ…she helped, she told me that it wasn't worth risking everything, but even after the sleeping pill and…"

"The sleeping pill? JJ gave you sleeping pills?"

"Just one. Over the counter."

She sits down. He wouldn't take an Advil for her, but would take a sleeping pill for JJ? Or was it that he was just wanting to use something that night that it didn't matter. Obviously he had been to a bar 12 hours later. He sits next to her and she keeps her eyes on the floor.

"I was… My mind was telling me all these things and I couldn't… I just needed something to make it stop."

She doesn't say anything.

"Alcohol is a depressant just like the Dilaudid and…I….I thought it would just be better if I wasn't thinking."

"Why didn't you just tell me? I told you… you could tell me anything, Spence. You don't have to lie."

She looks up to him rest his head in his hands. She feels for him, she does, but she's angry. She's hurt that he had spent so much time lying to her.

"I don't think I can do this anymore, Lila. I… I couldn't save him. I keep losing people."

She watches him as he breaks down by her. She reaches out to rub his back. "Spencer, it wasn't your fault. You didn't shoot him."

"But I was there! I was there and I…" he shakes his head. "I've been trying so hard not to use and I'm… I know I'm drinking way too much. And I can't talk to you anymore, you didn't even want this and I made you and I feel so damn guilty every time you call, because I pushed you-"

She grabs his chin and makes him look at her. "Hey. You didn't make me do a damn thing I didn't want to do, you understand me? I wanted to be with you, Spence. I never didn't want to be with you."

"But you don't want to watch me die."

"You're right. I don't, but I spent too much time away from you, that I could have been here with you and…I'd rather be there at your side if you ever do get hurt than hear about it days later and know that I missed out on the best person I've ever met."

He shakes his head. "I'm not the... I'm not good."

She straddles his hips and makes him look at her again. "You are good, Spencer. You're amazing. You've been through so much and you're still fighting. You haven't used in 9 months."

"9 months and two weeks." He murmurs and she smiles, despite the pain she's feeling for him.

"You're going to beat this. You just gotta talk to someone, baby. Someone who understands."

"You understand me." He says, looking up at her with sad eyes.

She brushes his hair back. "I've never worked the job you have, though, beautiful. I've never seen the things you've seen or hurt the way you hurt because of it. I will never stop listening to you and I want to know everything, but…. I don't want that feels like. I don't know what it's like to struggle with an addiction because of those feelings either."

His arms move around her again, tugging her close and burying his face in her neck. "I'm scared."

"It's okay, baby. It's okay."