AUTHOR'S NOTE: THIS TAKES PLACE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE EPISODE. BUT, LIKE, CLOSE TO THE END.

It was four in the morning and Lincoln couldn't sleep worth shit. His silly, silly sisters were still squabbling over dresses or makeup or ponies or Barbie or tampons or Benedict Cumberbatch or whatever stupid crap girls care about. They locked him out of his room and stole his blanket because they needed to use his room to scissor each other periodically in between their arguments.

Lincoln had had enough, but he didn't know how to make them stop yelling at each other with their stupid girl voices.

"What can I do to help them understand that the stupid shit they care about doesn't matter?!" he cried to nobody in particular.

"I'LL SAVE YOU!"

The door of the Loud house swung open and I marched in, like a hero or whatever, and strode upstairs to put those silly bitches in their place. "LOUD SISTERS!" I yelled at the top of my masculine lungs. "You need to stop tittering right now and give Lincoln his room back! What are you doing fighting with each other and oppressing your only brother, when you should be in the kitchen making me delicious mouth-watering sandwiches?!"

The Loud hoochies instantly realized the error of their ways and they marched down the stairs in single file and went straight towards the kitchen to do exactly what I commanded of them. However, the sandwich that Lola made me had too much sauce on it, and as punishment I kicked her in the uterus until she puked up yesterday's breakfast. She may have been only six but she still deserved it for being the biggest THOT this side of the Mississippi.

Fortunately, the other sisters gave me satisfactory sandwiches, especially Luna, who made me an Elvis sandwich because everything she ever does has to be related to music. And Leni decided to reward me even further for my awesomeness by making out with me for six hours and letting me touch her butt while I did it.

"Thank for all the help, TrapperHorse!" said Lincoln. "You're the best friend I've ever had!"

"Thank you!" I said while touching Leni's butt. "But what about Clyde?"

"Eh, screw him."

But sadly, nobody screwed Clyde that day, except for Cleopawtra, who was in heat.

THE END