Richard McBoss
By Liquid Snake
(It is 1984. The Sahelanthropus is safely aboard Mother Base and the rogue operative known as Skull Face has been eliminated. The sun is shining on the Seychelles. Just another fruity day in Outer Heaven)
Venom Snake
Eli!
(He grimaces awkwardly, clearly in pain.)
Eli
Hello, Snake.
(Snobby and British, as ever. Mmm, yeesss!)
Venom Snake
Try dad, you little war criminal! What was the big idea, back there?
Eli
You're not my reaaal father, Snake! You're delusional! My reaaal father is Big Boss.
Venom Snake
Uhr.. um.. what are you talking about? I am—ARRGH!
(His ears ring and colors shift as he tries in vain to remember. Venom seizes his head.)
Eli
That's RIGHT, Snake! Feel the burn! The truth hurts, doesn't it?
(Gayly handsome.)
Venom Snake
You little shit! You just hit me with a bottle!
Eli
Not so fast, are you, Snake? My REAL father would have pressed R1 in time. Is that a gun, Snake? Did you really just bring a gun to a knife fight?
Venom
(Tries to hide the gun behind his back.)
No.. I.. I just wanted to talk to you. Kaz says you're having some trouble adjusting to your new life here. He says you keep going into fits and then strange things happen, like Colonel Volgin shows up, or our shitty Metal Gear knock-off starts smashing things.
Eli
You don't care about me, Snake! You just want to progress the storyline. If you killed me, it'd be game over for you, and it's Never Game Over, is it, "Big Boss"?
(He gestures to his really cool camo vest with Engrish scrolled on the back. So awesome!)
Venom
You're really making this hard on yourself.
(Venom quietly cycles his inventory to his shotgun, clearly marked as doing STUN damage.)
Kaz (over radio)
Boss! What are you doing?!
Venom
He's mine, Kaz. Stay out of this.
Kaz (over radio)
He's your son, Boss! Shooting him isn't the answer.
(Venom grumbles, putting the shotgun away.)
Eli
The truth is, you're an impostor. You're not my real father. My real father wouldn't have rescued me. He'd have shot my picture, then forced me to serve in his army. My real father doesn't care about kids on the battlefield, and neither do I, Snake. Give me back my soldiers!
Venom
What are you talking about? I'm clearly Big Boss! I don't remember medical school, or serving in MSF, or anything! Ocelot sure as hell didn't hypnotize me in my hospital bed, a medical induced coma seizing my limbs, me lying there helpless, listening, watching with my one good eye. No, kid, I'm your real father, whether you like it or not. Now come down here so I can kick your ass!
Eli
Try and stop me, Snake!
(Eli climbs to the top of a mess of pipes, whose function is unclear, and turns a valve, filling a receded cargo hold with deadly chlorine gas. Venom's retarded girlfriend falls in for some reason.)
Venom
Quiet!
(He looks panicked.)
I need to save her! I need to make up for not saving Paz! So wracked with guilt!
Paz (OS)
It's okay, Snake! I'm still alive, in your corazón!
(laughs girlishly.)
Venom
AARRGGH!
(His lone eye moistens in a display of weakness.)
Quiet
(Leaps out of the gas with some trinket in her hands. Her body is covered with chemical burns. What an idiot!)
…!
Venom
You're the real hero, here. Now, back in your cage, sweetie. I'll be in later for that shower~
Quiet
...
Eli
Disgusting!
Venom
You're in a lot of trouble now, Mister! You know what?! Fuck it!
(He accesses his primary weapon from his inventory, which happens to be a "Killer Bee", the secret weapon he liberated from the Russians in Afghanistan. Meant to take down Soviet gunships, he paints the poor boy with its laser targeting system.)
(Ocelot walks on board the platform, putting a hand on the impostor's maimed shoulder.)
Ocelot
He's just a boy, Snake.
Venom
But he—
Ocelot
Let him be.
Venom
(Slackening like a puppet, he loses the psychotic look in his one good eye. His rage vanishes.)
Yes, master.
Ocelot
Now why don't we all enjoy a big bowl of my world famous 5 Alarm Chili? It's made from Afghanistan's finest goats and seasoned with herbs and spices gathered by our own dear leader.
Venom
Yes.. chili.. yes..
(walks off robotically, like the coward he is.)
Eli
That's right, Snake! You run!
(Eli laughs triumphantly, and releases some more valves for good measure. An alarm sounds, and he gets bored and leaves, wondering if the strange Russian man's chili is really as good as he says.)
THE NEXT DAY
Ocelot slides off his designer sunglasses, slowing down briefly as their credits dawn the screen. The Russian thinks of what a capitalist pig Hideo Kojima is, including crassly placed designer sunglasses, with full credits, into his games, as well as giving real life brand name products a place in Peace Walker, which Ocelot wasn't present for, but heard was really good. The Russian cowboy gazes longingly out to the sea.
Ocelot
Sure is peaceful out here.
(He offers a handful of oats to a horse, and it eats, crapping on the deck of the command platform of Mother Base.)
(Eli sprints across the deck, Venom hot on his tail, chasing him with a flamethrower.)
Eli
Help! The abusive sod is trying to kill me!
Venom
I had to turn my men into diamonds because of you! I'm going to burn you just like I burned them, with this experimental flamethrower R&D cooked up! It's mean for D. Walker, but I've mounted it to my own terrifying robot arm! Damn, it's like losing a limb has only made me more powerful! How fucked up is that?! Was I ever in medical school?! Why do I remember medical school?!
(He continued to rave psychotically, scorching the deck of Mother Base)
Ocelot
Woah there, boss! Let's take a step back. He did what?
Venom
He caused the parasites to mutate, and somehow resemble the Ophiocordyceps unilateralis, a mind control fungus found exclusively in ants, wrongfully attributed to snails by one of my men, who I burned to death with this here flamethrower!
Ocelot
Why does that sound so familiar?
(He presses X to remember.)
(Ocelot runs through a shopping mall with a young girl, Ellie is her name. They just murdered a bunch of dudes, which gives Ocelot a massive boner, but the girl is displeased.)
Ellie
You didn't have to kill those fuckers!
Ocelot
They were after your cornhole!
Ellie
Well shit, man! They can have it! T'aint nothing to do no killing over!
Ocelot
No. No..
(He snaps back to reality)
No, Boss. It wasn't him. It was the scientist. The one I have locked up in R&D. He mutated the parasites for some reason, with radiation, your old enemy.
Venom
Radiation took my balls in Bikini Atoll! Now it's taken my precious, precious men, who I love. My crystalline dogs of war. The tragedy!
(Quiet looks in the background, dismayed by the incongruity of his statement, their lovechild kicking in her bloated, naked belly.)
Huey! My old friend! I'll kill him with this flamethrower mounted to my freak-arm!
Ocelot
Uh.. let's just hold a kangaroo court and set him adrift in a boat. My real bosses need him ali—er—it would be the right thing to do.
Venom
(Glassy eyed.)
Yes. Trial. Forgiveness.
(Venom walks away mechanically.)
Eli
(Sobbing.)
I just hate him, so much!
Ocelot
Son, I ever tell you about my father?
Eli
Nuh-no.
Ocelot
Well, he was a psychic who fought for the Allies during WWII. A Russian, in fact, just like me.
Eli
A what?
Ocelot
Don't play coy, I've seen what you can do with that thar robot, now listen. My father, well, he was a patriotic man, did what he could for his country, and then, one day, his country pit him against the one person he never hoped to meet on the battlefield.
Eli
You mean?
Ocelot
That's right, my mother, The Boss.
Eli
Your mother is Bon Jovi?
Ocelot
Shut up. Anyhow, she killed that man. Shot him dead in the eye, and he shed a single bloody tear as gave up his ghost to eternity. And that tear inspired my mother to defect to the Soviet Union, in an elaborate attempt to end all wars, and unite the world, which actually resulted in the mess we're in today, but that's another story for another time.
(Ocelot kicked a pile of shit into the ocean.)
Eli
Your family is weird, and crazy. But then, so is mine.
Ocelot
And your "father" there, he tries hard, to put food on your table, to keep you out of combat, to get revenge on Cipher for all he's done to you and your family.
Eli
I suppose you're right.
Ocelot
Then show him a little respect. He is an insane amputee, breaking at the seams from the hypnosis and psychotropic drugs I keep pumping him with. He has a god-dang slag pile jutting out of his brain box. The man tries, Eli. He tries so hard.
Eli
I suppose I can forgive the coward. He did teach me I could control flaming Soviet ex-leadership with my hatred.
Ocelot
And don't you forget it.
(He winks at Eli.)
Eli
Fine. I'll locate the wretch and share my feelings with him.
(Venom Snake sits brooding in his chopper, refusing to command his pilot, wasting precious fossil fuels, which wasn't a major concern in the 80's, I suppose. Eli climbs aboard.)
Eli
…
Venom
What do you want?
Eli
..I.. I'm sorry.. father.
(Venom sits there, quietly, considering what he's just heard. Eli looks at his boots, sheepishly.)
Venom
Eli, I… only wanted to protect you from the life I've had to live all these years. It seems glamorous when you're young, all the explosions and violence, the mutants with weird powers, boobies constantly shoved in your face, but really, it's scary, and there's a lot of game over screens in it, especially when you get impatient and try to gun it. And your friends, you never forget the shouting, ever.
Eli
Father?
Venom
Yes, son?
Eli
Are you hungry?
Venom
What do you mean, son?
Eli
Eat this, you giant tree trunk piece of ass!
(Eli sticks his half-eaten ration in Venom's mouth, and attempts to shove it down his throat.)
Venom
ARRRRRGGHH!
(He pushes Eli away and mashes triangle in a desperate attempt to take out the life-giving ration out of his throat.)
Eli
Fuck you, father!
(Out of sheer desecrated hurt and anger, Venom lifts his large cybernetic arm, and swings a deadly, rocket-powered blow at the twelve year old boy.)
Fade to black.
Play this youtube: /I0xUl_VRCmM
Roll credits.