Sometimes I think that if I just march into the common room and tear my rather expensive school shirt off of my lanky torso, and profess undying love in prose, I can fall into Sirius's arms and all the other Gryffindors will cheer and then we'll live happily ever after. I told James about this particularly fantasy, and he expressed concern regarding the existence of my dangly bits, and told me that I read too much. I believe his exact words were "Honestly I'd be less concerned if you fantasized about shagging him like a normal person." Which I do fantasize about, those are just secret fantasies.

Sometimes I feel like Sirius and I are Iago and Amelia. He's Iago of course, playing all of his genius pranks that are maybe just a little cruel, but Amelia doesn't see that. She just sees her beloved...husband. Oh bugger. That bitch has all the luck.

"Moony, stop thinking." Sirius pushed my shoulder so that I became horizontal on the couch and then sat on the armchair. "Haha you're so easy to tip over." He laughed.

"Well I wasn't paying attention." I said, perhaps a little bitterly.

"You never are." He said. Yes I am, I'm just paying more attention to your cheekbones than your attempts at thwarting my vertical-ness.

"How was detention?" I changed the subject.

"James mouthed off to Filch. I reckon he'll be scrubbing floors for a few more hours. Skinny little tosser could use it." He flexed his arms and then smirked "You should think about getting more detentions, Rem. Your arms would thank you."

"My arms carry enough books, they simply refuse to have any significant mass." I said, pulling a chocolate bar out of my pocket, only to have it snatched away. "Oi! I need that! To add mass to my skinny arms, remember?" I waved my arms around like some sort of odd squid and then immediately regretted it. Sirius broke off a chunk and tossed it back to me.

"Where's Peter?"

"Sleeping, I expect." I said. It was rather early in the morning. I was only awake because I wanted to read in the few hours of peace that detention allotted for me.

"Fun." He rolled his eyes.

"I NEED LIQUOR!" Suddenly erupted from the portrait hole.

"Jamie, James James Jamesy James. How spiffing to see you." Sirius jumped up from the chair and attacked James, punching him in the arms causing James to make agonized animal sounds and smack Sirius round the head. I just watched, mildly amused and even more mildly sympathetic.

"That fucking hurt, you twat!" James yelled. He was rather shouty this morning.

"Oh but James, all of your troubles are ending, as I have much firewhiskey and not enough liver to handle it all and-"

"Need I remind the two of you that's it's eight o'clock in the morning? I stood up and walked over to them, making a distinctly prefect face. Sirius looked like he was about to start spewing insults at me but James spoke first.

"Y'know Pads, our Moony is a smart one, we should listen to him more. Why drown our sorrows now as two lonely men, when we could round up a few birds and drown them later as two strapping men."

The heel of my hand slammed into my forehead. I had just planned a party for them. Of course, it was a Saturday, so there would be a party whether I had suggested it or not, but perhaps if they had drunken themselves stupid in the morning they may not have had enough liquor left by the time sundown rolled around.

"Breakfast?" I sighed, exasperated. James slapped me on the back. "There's a good idea." So we went to breakfast, figuring that Peter would wake up and come find us eventually.

"Sirius I swear if you shoot one more spoonful of - PROT-" Too late. There was oatmeal on my chin "Bloody fucking bugger fuck." Sirius barked out a laugh that went on for so long that I wanted to break his ribs so that it would hurt to laugh.

"Is it just me or does Mafalda Hopkirk's skirt seem shorter today?" James said offhandedly, putting an end to the laughter and sending Sirius away from the table. He looked over at me through his glasses, finishing chewing the bacon in his mouth, and then with raised eyebrows said "You realize you're the only one he does that to?"

"Oh lucky me." I spat wiping gooey oats from my skin.

"Not even Peter." He added. "Hell, not even Slytherins."

"I'm sure this is a sign that I'm the prettiest girl in the whole of England, right?"

"Wrong."

"Lovely."

"I think." He paused to sip his coffee. He does things like that just to build up suspense, to be sure that his audience is on the edge of their seat. Which I was. "He's - er." He made air quotes with his fingers "Pulling your pigtails. Which doesn't make you the prettiest girl in the whole of England, that makes you his favorite girl in the whole of England."

"It's my breasts isn't it? He simply cannot keep his eyes off of them." I said sarcastically.

"Nah, you've still got growing to do in that department young lady-"

"Her skirt is no shorter than it is always is!" Sirius said angrily. "And what about Remus being a young lady?"

"We were talking about my gorgeous breasts." I deadpanned.

"Oh but they're lovely." Sirius said, and he stood behind me and put his hands on my chest, making me jump. Of all the places he could touch me - he can probably feel my heart speeding up. "Bit boney." He added "I don't think they're meant to have bones."

"Well Moony's a special sort of girl. Just think, bones never sag." James pointed out, wisely. And it was as if saying something faux-wise had set off the real wisdom in him. "Tomorrow's the full moon isn't it?" Whisper.

"Yeah." I said. Sirius sat down next to me.

"I never asked. Do you feel it like - now?"

"Yeah." I repeated. And I did. I could feel it pulling on the water in my body, churning me, but at the same time it was like Sirius was doing the same thing and I wished that he could be more powerful than the moon but it wasn't even close. He grabbed my head unceremoniously, and pushed it onto his shoulder. Brilliant at comforting people, that Sirius. James winked at me while Sirius wasn't paying attention, and I wanted to flick him off, but then Sirius would ask what just happened.

"This angle makes it rather difficult to eat." I said, and Sirius released my head but I was full anyway. "Library." I said. James and Sirius both rolled their eyes, and Sirius said "Of course." Through a mouthful of oatmeal that had miraculously avoided both my face and the floor.

"Lupin!" I head as soon as I left the Great Hall.

"Oh, hullo, Severus." I'm nothing, if not polite.

"Which one of you?" He said, marching towards me apoplectically. "Which of you, charmed all of my pants to turn to strawberry jam when they touched me! I know it was one of you insufferable gits!"

I hadn't even been aware of this prank. "No idea." I said, as the politeness falls a bit when I've just been called an insufferable git. I didn't know why he was so mad, at least it was only his pants, if it had been his trousers he's have a bigger problem.

"I know you know Lupin!" I took out my wand just in case, because he was definitely on the edge of entering my personal space bubble. I decided being rude would be my best option. "Since James showed all of us the miserable state of your pants I would think you'd be glad for them to be something more pleasant." I twirled my wand between two fingers at my side while he decided what to do.

"Oi! James! You'll never guess who's found Remus for us!" I turned around and Sirius was coming up behind me.

"Oh look." Severus spat. "Your knight came to save you." I opened my mouth to talk but Sirius beat me to it.

"Remus can handle himself, he just doesn't get the joy out of it that I do. So. How about we show all of Hogwarts your...strawbeery jam." Sirius grinned evilly, and Severus recoilled.

"You!" He spat.

"Me. Me me me." He said confidently. "Moony, I believe you were on your way to the library." I took the hint and skittered off like a coward, but I know that Sirius gave me an excuse to leave because he didn't want me to have to feel like I wasn't being a good prefect. See no evil, hear no evil, keep the shiny badge. As I walked away, I heard James joining them, and then, when I was almost out of the first floor corridor, Lily, screaming a violent hex, almost definitely aimed at James.

I went to the library, and sat in the very back, thinking. I made a list of things.

Undeniable Truths

1.) I am attracted to Sirius Black.

2.) I am not in love with Sirius Black, it is just a crush.

3.) But it could easily go that way.

4.) Life is not like books, and no one wants me to bare my scrawny torso and profess things.

4.B) Nor any of my other (not scrawny) anatomical areas.

5.) This means that I am not straight.

6.) Lists are stupid.

7.) I wish I had some chapstick.

8.) Sirius is as straight as they come.

9.) James is an ally, utilize the ally.

10.) There is a party tonight at which I will be drunk.

11.) I have no control over what comes out of my mouth when I am drunk.

12.) And I don't mean sick. I mean words.

I sighed and read through my list, worrying at a strand of my hair. Tonight, I would buck up, be a man, and tell Sirius that over the past few weeks he's been beginning to appear more beautiful. But most certainly not in those words. All of my scrawny (and not scrawny) body parts would remain clothed. I would not tell Sirius anything involving the cursed L word, and I repeat, there would be no removal of clothes. Even if his reaction was a positive one, life is not like a book. In books, people tell each other how they feel and then make hot steamy love all night. Tonight would be nothing like that. I would tell him how I feel, and if he feels the same, we might make awkward not so steamy love after a few weeks of snogging.

"You're such a girl."

"NGGH." I yelped. "Don't. Do. That." I said rather too loudly to James.

"I'm an ally. Be kind to me." He said.

"This is humiliating."

"As it should be, dear Moony. Romance is always humiliating, if it wasn't Evans wouldn't have given me these lovely purple polkaots." I turned around and yes, James was covered in purple polkadots but I would not have called them lovely. Nor would I have called Evans curses an act act of love, but I didn't say this as it would crush his dear little heart.

"Oh I'm sure you'll be the life of the party tonight, looking as dashing as that."

"No. You will be."

"I am never the life of anything. I am dead and limp. Like a book."

"I've seen you when you get up in the morning, mate, not much limp about that."

"Change the subject please." I said, turning red.

"Okay, let's talk about Sirius."

"Let's not, if you do, he'll pop up out of nowhere because that's what happens every time either of you are mentioned." James threw my bag on the floor and sat in the chair it had occupied.

"Not true. Me and Sirius talk about you all the time and you never show u-"

"WHAT?" I said. "What do you talk about? What about me?"

"Merlin Moony, you really should've been born a girl."

"So you've told me. But anyway, answer me."

"Unfortunately I can't. As you and Sirius both trust me, I am limited in my matchmaking opportunities."

"Are you implying -"

"I'm not implying anything. I'm going to go to Quidditch practice." And the bastard got up and left.

"BuggerFuck." I said slamming my head on the table.

Hallo there readers.

This story is already completely written in three parts (I'm terrible at pushing myself through to finish things so I made sure I was done before posting the first chapter.)

Please review, and I will post chapter 2 when I feel that there is some er...anticipation?

So if you want chapters 2 and 3, I'd reccomend you review (I'm such a terrible person...)

Hope you enjoyed it.