"Morning everyone! Buongiorno!" Italy called out as he strode merrily down the road toward where he and his two friends, Japan and Germany, would train that morning. He was late, as he always was, but stopped short when he noticed that someone else had yet to show up.
"Hey! Where's Germany?" He asked, looking around. "Wow, did I actually beat him here? Does this mean he can't yell at me for being late? Yay!"
"Oh, good morning, Italy-kun," Japan said, drinking some sort of tea. "Germany-san is going to be a little late today."
"How come?" Italy asked brightly, sitting on the ground to maybe try to nap before Germany showed up.
"I'm not really sure," he replied. "He did leave a note, but I think he forgot I would be reading it and put parts of it in German. Do you know what the word "Bruder" means?"
"Brother," Italy answered, now splayed out on the ground.
Japan looked up at him, slightly surprised that he knew that. "Well, what about 'sich betrinken'?"
"'Drunk'."
Japan blinked. "Well, what about 'arschloch'? Or 'Transvestit"?
"'Asshole' and…um…'transvestite'…?"
Japan smiled slightly. "Wow, you know a lot of German."
Italy nodded. "You pick up on things when you hang out with Germany all day." He sat up. "Actually, I wanted to ask something? Could you maybe teach me some Japanese?"
Japan smiled some more. "Of course, Italy-san!" Then he paused. "How come?"
Italy shrugged. "Well, I was on a computer the other day and I was just typing in all kinds of stuff and I found a bunch of weird stuff, and I think parts of it were Japanese, so I was just curious what they meant."
Japan nodded, taking a sip of tea. "Like what?"
"Well, first off, what's a 'Yaoi'?"
Japan immediately began choking on his tea. "W-W-What?" He finally managed to sputter, coughing uncontrollably and dropping his tea on the ground.
"I'm sorry," Italy apologized quickly, "was that a bad word?"
"N-No!" Japan stammered, still hacking. "Err, yes. Um, well, I mean it's…w-w-what were you reading?"
"Oh it was some weird story thing. I didn't understand most of it 'cause it was in English."
Japan took a deep breath, trying to keep himself from panicking. "Ok, so w-why don't you go ask America-kun or something?"
"Oh, I did! After he finished laughing, he told me to ask you." Italy looked up at Japan, an innocent look on his face. "So what does it mean then?" He asked, smiling like he usually did.
"Err, i-it uh means that…uh…w-well…when two people…err, when men…when two men are…" His face had turned about the same color as one of Spain's tomatoes. "W-When two men are…are in a relationship…um…"
"Oh, so like me and Germany?" Italy asked brightly.
(Note: Italy is thinking of the word 'relationship' in terms of the word 'friend'.)
"W-What?"
(Note: That is most definitely not what Japan is thinking.)
"I-I…umm…" Japan cleared his throat, feeling extremely uncomfortable. "I-I did not realize that you were…that you and Germany were… that you two are…are in a…relationship…"
Italy looked at him, confused. "Isn't it obvious?" He asked. Then Italy smiled again. "It's ok. I'll just have to tell Germany how much I like him when he gets here! Ok, so that's what a yaoi is…" He paused to think. "Ok, so what's a seme?"
"W-W-W-Well…" Japan took a deep breath. "It's the person who…who's…" He really didn't want to describe it so he decided to dumb it down. "It's someone who's more…manly."
Italy nodded. "Oh yeah, Germany's really manly!"
"I…uh…guess…"
"Oh, so what's an uke then?" Italy asked, completely oblivious to the panic attack that Japan was currently having. "That's what everyone kept calling me!"
"I-It's the…the more…y-you know…like…the more…feminine, I guess," Japan mumbled.
Italy froze. He blinked a few times. "F…Feminine?" He asked. "I…I'm…feminine…?" He looked at the ground, looking hurt. Sure, he cooked and cleaned and wasn't very strong or big and used to wear Hungary's dresses as a child and…he shook his head. No, he was very masculine! Wasn't he? "Japan, don't you think I'm masculine?" He asked desperately.
Japan quickly glanced away. "Well…uh…"
As he tried to think of something to say, Germany strode up. "Mein gott, you would not believe the morning I've had," he muttered, looking exhausted. "First, I wake up to find my inebriated brother on the roof and—"
"GERMANY I WANNA BE SEME!"
Germany blinked. "Huh?" He looked down at the distressed Italian sitting on the ground near his feet. "You want to be a what?" Then he shook his head, deciding he didn't really want to know. "Fine, sure, you can be seme or whatever. I don't care."
Italy leapt to his feet. "I could be seme if I wanted!" He shouted. "I can be just as manly as you!" Then he ran off.
Germany shouted after him, "Wait, you still need to train!" But by then, Italy was out of sight. Germany sighed. Weirdest morning ever. "At least he's exercising…I suppose it's just you and me, Ja—your nose is bleeding."
"N-NO IT ISN'T!" Japan yelped, quickly clamping his hands over his bloody nose, and running off in the opposite direction of where Italy ran off.
Germany sighed. "Why? Why me?" He mumbled to no one in particular.
(Italy's house)
Italy sat on his bed with a piece of paper. "Alright," he said smiling, "so this is the kind of stuff that'll make me manly. So…number one… Own a fancy Italian sports car. Oh I already have that! This'll be easy!" His smile widened. "Ok…number two… flirt with lots of women… Ha! I'm already even manlier than Germany is!"
"Anyone could be more manly than that effeminate potato bastard!" Romano called from another room.
"Come on, Romano, that was rude!"
"Jesus, how the hell did you get in my house, you bastard?"
"Hi Spain!" Italy called, not surprised that, once again, Spain was there. "Kay…number three…huh?" He paused, trying to make sense of the words on the page. He grabbed his phone and called the first number that popped into his head.
Ring…ring… "Wassup!You've reached the hero! What acts of heroic heroism do you need accomplished today?"
"Hi America!" Italy replied happily. "What does 'getting laid' mean?"
There was a long awkward pause. Then America began laughing. "I-Is this still on about th-the yaoi thing?" He asked between gasps.
"Yeah," Italy answered. "I'm trying to become seme!" This resulted in more hysterics from the other line. "So what does it mean?"
America took a deep breath. "Well, it means to sleep with someone," he managed to say through his giggling.
Italy grinned, looking at the paper. "Oh wow, I'm really seme! I sleep with Germany almost every night!"
There was a loud crash on the other line as America collapsed to the floor, gasping in pain from laughing too hard. Then—beep beep beep "I'm sorry, but your call has been disconnected. Please hang up and try again."
Italy sighed and put the phone down. "Wow, as soon as I'm done with this, I need to go show Germany how seme I am! Let's see…number four…"
Will Italy ever become seme? Will he ever actually fugure out what a seme is? Will I ever actually get a life? Find out next time on...this...thing...YEAH! (Note: the answers are probably no, no and hell f***ing no.)