Serena's P.O.V

I groaned in frustration, and threw the TV remote across the room. I had read every magazine in the room, now I couldn't even find anything to watch. And it wasn't like I could go and visit anyone, considering I was stuck here. And the worst bit? I didn't deserve to be here. Although everyone else seemed to disagree with me, Mom, Erik, Blair and then there was Dan. He looked at me liked I didn't deserve to be here, and that hurt in a way too. It was like after all these years; I was back on that stupid pedestal. But despite all this, the thing that hurt me most was that Nate hadn't even come to visit. I knew he had his own problems right now, but I sort of hoped he cared enough to even just come in say hi and then leave. Did he really hate me that much? I heard a soft chap at the door and looked up in hopeless optimism.

"Oh." I sighed. "Hi."

"It's nice to see you too." Came Blair's wounded reply, before she threw a pile of magazine's onto my bed. "I thought you might like some new reading material. And considering I almost had to make the seller cry to stay open late enough, to buy them. You can at least pretend you're happy."

"I'm sorry. I just thought it might be... someone else." I muttered.

"Nate?" she asked.

"No." I disagreed, until she just kept staring at me. "OK, stop looking like at me like that. Yes I thought it might be Nate. He hasn't come yet. But, I'm kind of thinking he's just not going to come now. Guess I can't blame him; I haven't been great to him this year. Well since everything with my Dad anyway."

"S." Her hand grabbed onto mine then. "I'm sure he'll come. It's Nate, the same boy who spent all night in an uncomfortable hospital chair to make sure you were alright."

"But that was before I left him, to find myself."

"Yes." She nodded "But it was after you left him, after he poured out his heart to you."

"What is this? How to kick a girl when she's down?"

"Serena!" she rolled her eyes "I'm only pointing out that he cares about you."

"Yeah. He's shown that."

She just shook her head at me, then I seen the look I hated, the disappointment creeping into her eyes. "I just need to know why S. Why did you do this to yourself again? I thought those days were over."

"I didn't B! I know it sounds crazy, and I know I have a history with drugs, but I didn't take any Blair. I wouldn't. Not now, I worked too hard to get away from that girl to just fall back so easily."

"Serena, it wasn't just the drugs. It was stabbing me in the back, and Chuck. Then there was kissing both Nate and Dan. Leaving Columbia. It sounds like old times S, and I care about you too much to see you go through that again. Worry about where you are when I can't find you."

I scoffed then pulling my hand back. "I'm tired. I think you should leave now."

"Serena, I was..."

"Just leaving?"

She sighed, nodding sadly "I'll come see you tomorrow. Goodnight."

"Night." I replied courtly. I knew I was being too harsh on her, but today had just been so horrible. And her not believing me again, that just pushed me over the edge. But then I realised that I was once again alone. But that's fine; I have enough experience of being alone. I just wish it wasn't in a hospital, where everyone had heard that phone call on the news, and seen the headline that came with it. I tucked some of my hair behind my ear, and picked up some of the magazines Blair had brought, and flicked through the pages. But I grew tired of looking at the pictures of the models fast. It's a bad day, when you actually miss gossip girl spreading rumours. I mean she was right a lot of the time, but there were times that it was nice to know more than her.

And now I've gone crazy. What sane person misses having personal life broadcast on the internet, so that everyone can see? Exactly, no sane person misses that. I shook my head trying to get rid of those thoughts. I heard a knock on the door and looked up, expecting to see Blair but what I seen was a doctor looking back at me.

"Miss VanDerWoodsen?" they said as they walked into the room.

"Yes?" I asked, despite the look on the doctor's face which told me that I wasn't going to like what she had to say.

"I've spoken with your mother, and we both agree that once you're released from here, that you go the Ostroff Center."

"No." I said straight away "I don't need to go! I didn't do anything."

"Miss VanDerWoodsen, your results clearly indicate that you took a substantial amount of..."

"I know what the stupid tests said. But I didn't do it! But why should you believe me? Even my family and friends don't."

"I'll leave the thought with you. Try and get some rest." She said softly walking out of the room.

Why was it, as soon as she mentioned my mother, I got the vibe that it didn't really matter what I wanted? I wonder if everyone would soon believe that I was visiting Aunt Carol. I felt the tears sting in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. That would mean that I did something wrong, and I wasn't going to let anyone think that.

Like I said, I got this far by myself, I never needed anyone. Or rather never let myself need anyone, opening up that much is when you let yourself get hurt. Although shutting everyone out does have its drawbacks.

Like losing the one person, you thought would always forgive you.

Nate's P.O.V

I got in from my run and collapsed against the kitchen chair. My run may have tired me out, but it didn't take my mind of my problems, which is what I was hoping would happen. My parent's divorce, that yes at my age I should take better, but you can't help how you feel. Which brings me to my next problem. Serena. I had almost gone to see her more times than I care to count, though backing out each time. I couldn't face seeing her like I had so many times before. The truth is that Serena scared me, each time we found her after a night out, I was always scared that one day we might not be able to wake her up. And I couldn't take that. I know we might not have been talking much these past couple of months, but I still cared for her. I always would. Serena was someone you never really got fully over, well I was never going to anyway.

I heard the front door creak open, but failed to look up assuming that it was merely Chuck coming back from something, I wasn't sure I wanted to know about.

"Nate?" came a much more feminine voice than Chuck's. I looked up to see Blair, looking paler than I had seen her for a while.

"Are you OK?"

She nodded, but I could tell that she was lying. "I've just been to see Serena."

"How is she?" I asked immediately. I may not be strong enough to see her, but I still wanted to know how she was. I needed to know that she was going to be OK.

"She's alright. For now, anyway. Nate, she almost died. And she did it to herself. I really thought we were past all of that." She had tears in her eyes at the end, and even when he reached his arms out to bring her into a light hug his thoughts remained firmly on the girl who wasn't there, and the words "she almost died".

"Is she going to be OK though?" I asked once Blair had calmed down again.

She nodded eventually "Lily is going to get her some help. But..."

"What?" I asked worry creeping in again and I hated that I could still feel this scared over losing Serena. But like I said, I sincerely doubt that I would ever really be over Serena.

"She swears she didn't do it." Blair had now averted her gaze from mine, so that it was now resting on a random spot on the wall. "She says she doesn't remember anything, after showing up at the party with Erik, but not being let in."

"Do you believe her?" I asked. If anyone was going to be able to tell if Serena was lying, it would be the girl sat in front of me. There was something special between me, Chuck, Serena and Blair, and we all knew the many moods of Serena VanDerWoodsen better than anyone else. And while we might not have been able to say what, we could always pick up on the fact that she was lying.

"I don't know." Blair shook her head, before sitting down and clasping her hands together, resting them in her lap. "She seemed so convinced she didn't do it, but I still can't shake the feeling that she's falling into old habits."

We both lapsed into silence then, remembering how awful it used to be with Serena. Yes Chuck used to party equally as much, but he knew his limits. Serena, on the other hand, would go as far as she could to make the world numb, so that all she had to worry about was what to order next. Then came our part, having to go and pick her up, clean her up before Lily seen, and listen to her heart-wrenching sobs when she thought you were out of earshot.

Then, as if I had no control over it, I stood up and put my jacket on, over my running clothes not bothering to change into something more appropriate.

"Where are you going?" Blair asked, looking somewhat stunned.

"To see Serena." I replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I need to see for myself how bad she is. I need to see if she has gone back to how she used to be. I need to see that she's going to be OK."

Blair simply smiled a small, sad smile at me. And I got the hidden message that she knew I would end up visiting Serena at some point. But instead of staying, and giving her a reply, I just left the room. Deciding I could do with the extra air, I walked towards the hospital, trying to squash my worry with each step. Serena would be OK, because she simply had to be. It may be dysfunctional, and something you could never understand unless you were one of us, but I strongly believed that the four of us needed each other. We were in no way perfect, far from it really, but we all knew how much we could push each other. When to help, and when to be leave it alone. The four of us had all but raised each other, and no matter happened, the fights, the fallouts, nothing was ever going to change the fact that we needed each other.

But even knowing this, I knew that wasn't the whole reason. I couldn't imagine life without Serena, I could live with pretending we were friends, because at least then she would still be in my life. And I needed that, I needed to know that the girl I love was always going to be there in some capacity. Despite it not being in the way I want it.

When I finally made it to the hospital, and paused momentarily, until I finally walked forward towards the reception area.

"Hello, how can I help?" asked the rather bored receptionist.

"Could you please tell me what room Serena VanDerWoodsen is in?"

Serena's P.O.V

I reached over and grabbed a bottle of water, as I heard my door open. Great, that must be the doctor back! To ever so helpfully re-suggest the Ostroff Center.

"I don't need to go to the Ostroff Center." I sighed.

"Really?"

And at that voice my head snapped up. "Nate? Isn't it a little late for visiting?"

He shrugged "I told them I was your cousin, and that I was only in town for the day, so it was really urgent that I get to see you."

"And coming earlier, when everyone else did would have been so ridiculous." I replied, my voice overly sweet as I plastered a fake smile on.

"Serena, it wasn't like that." He sat down on the chair next to me "I just needed time. You don't understand how scary it was to get the phone call saying you were here."

"Can't be any scarier than waking up in a strange room, that you never went to." I pointed out. "Or to have people say you did some terrible things, that you know you can't have."

"Serena..." he started but I cut him off.

"No! I know what you're going to say. And it's going to be the same stupid thing everyone else has said. But I know I didn't take those drugs. I didn't! And I didn't do any of the things, that I'm meant to have done. I only showed up to that stupid party for one reason."

"What?" he asked softly.

I shook my head "What's the point? You're not going to believe me anyway."

"Serena, why did you show up to the party? Just be honest with me, and I'll be able to see it. Tell me what you remember from that day."

"I remember you and Dan showing up outside the apartment. But I swear I never got those texts you were talking about, actually no-one text me at all that day. I remember, because I thought it was odd. Then I went inside and thought about everything. And decided that Venn diagrams were pointless..."

"Venn diagrams?" he cut in.

"It's a long story." I replied "Anyway, I decided that there was never going to be a way to pick between the two of you. The only thing I could do was let my heart pick. And then I knew what I had to do. So I got dressed, and got into a cab, and went to get Erik and Elliot. But when we got to the party, the bouncer said Serena VanDerWoodsen was already there. Then it took forever to get in, and then it get's fuzzy."

"What did you have to do?" he asked.

"Nate..." I trailed off.

"No please. Even if it's not what I want to hear, just tell me what you knew you had to do."

"I wanted to find Dan and..." I seen him slouch then "No, please just listen to it all. I wanted to find Dan and tell him that a part of me will always love him. But that I couldn't be with him. Not when I loved someone else. The thing with Dan, it just seemed over. After that I wanted to find you and say... well say that I knew who I wanted. I knew who I wanted when I left for Paris, when I came back. Nate, I wanted to say I loved you."

"S..." he whispered so softly that I wasn't sure if he even said anything.

"So, do you believe me?" I asked as our eyes finally met.