Title: The Thin Ice

Title: The Thin Ice
Author: Matthew Shine
Category: JC/KW Angst
Spoilers: Some Spoilers from "Rampage"
Disclaimers: I don't own Carter or Weaver, NBC does.
Archive: Yeah sure, if you're so inclined, just tell me where first
Feedback: If you wish, just remember that I have a very fractured self-esteem.

**

If you should go skating, On the thin ice of modern life, Dragging behind you the silent reproach, Of a million tear stained eyes, Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice, Appears under your feet, You slip out of your depth and out of your mind, With your feet flowing out behind you, As you claw the thin ice

The Thin Ice – Roger Waters

***


Wednesday, July 25th, 2001
Kerry Weaver's Apartment

She knew that this moment had been coming for months. Just as surely as she knew the sun would rise in the morning, she could feel the lethargy of depression sneaking up on her. There was no way to stop it, at least no way that she could see.

Just one month earlier she had been happy, at least as happy as she could be under the circumstances. She had announced to the hospital, Romano, and the rest of the world that she was a lesbian and dating a woman who loved her. Her career was nothing to sneeze at either, and she very well couldn't be fired because of sexual orientation.  Life was good for Kerry Weaver, too good as she would soon find out.

Kerry had never had much happiness in her life, from the time she could remember she was forced to endure the reality that she was adopted, and then, later on in life, needed a cane. To escape her truth, she slipped into the horror of alcohol and painkillers. Yet, she had managed to turn herself around from the mistakes and made something out of her life. She was a chief in the hospital where she before had gotten no respect. Not to say that along the way there hadn't been bumps, she had been ridiculed and pushed beyond the limits on a number of occasions. There was one time when she had been used romantically to further another's ambition (that deadbeat Ellis West).

Privately, she had envied Carol and Doug, wanting what they had, a good relationship. When the cards where down and she was being completely honest with herself, for a time, her hopes for that dream rest in the arms of a certain resident who had lived in her basement. But, alas he wasn't hers.  She was reminded quite harshly of this fact when she would hear that man and his girlfriend making love.

Kim had promised what she had so desperately wanted. But the cold, hard truth was that she was not getting any younger and the more days went by that she did not start a family the less likely that family was to come about.

She knew that she was being pressured by Kim from the beginning to come out the closet and admit her feelings publicly. Contrary to what people may think, Kerry really did love Kim. So she finally gave in and told Romano to protect her love from being fired. Kim was so touched, that she had agreed to continue the relationship with Kerry.  They moved in together very soon afterwards.

But on an unassuming Sunday at the end of June all of her dreams had been shattered. She had been coming home early from a very bad ache in leg and all she wanted was to have Kim hold her and banish the horrible emotional and physical pain.

Kerry had walked inside her door and threw her coat off when she heard a noise from her bedroom, thinking it was Kim's new cat Lightning she went to go check. Once she opened the door to her bedroom she wished she had not come home early.

Lying in her bed was her Kim and another woman, a small petite blonde. As enraged as she had been she had simply walked up and tapped Kim on the shoulder with her cane and as calmly as she could told her to pack up her things and be out of her apartment in one hour or she would call the authorities. She headed for the door when she heard Kim calling her.

"Kerry, wait up." Kim called.

"What do you want?  How about finishing the job off with a steak knife?" Kerry asked

"Kerry, I'm sorry.  It just happened…"

"Just HAPPERNED?  I was prepared to live with you and love you.  What was all of that SHIT about 'just you and me'?  I came out for you and now I get this.  You now have 55 minutes"

Kim tried to apologize, but Kerry just stormed out to her car and took off.  When Kerry did return, Kim was no longer there, but there was a note on her kitchen table saying that she was sorry and that maybe they could try to patch things up.  The not also explained that she would be back later to pick up the rest of her clothes.

Kerry just snorted.  She took the note and was about to throw it away when an idea came to her.  Kerry walked to the bedroom and gathered Kim's clothes and that damn note and put them into a metal trash can.  Kerry than added some more of Kim's things and put in lighter fluid to make sure everything was perfect.  The fire and smoke could be seen many blocks away.

________________________________________________________________________

In just two hours the life of Kerry Weaver had been turned upside down, and this time she wasn't sure if she could regain control.  As long as she had her booze, things would look better.

As she sat on her couch that night, she decided two things, one she most definitely needed a new bed and two; she would not let anyone at the hospital see her like this. She knew the group at County were her friends and loved them deeply but she didn't want to burden them any more than she already had.

They all had lives, good, happy lives that didn't include a depressed cripple. There was one that wasn't so happy, but surely John had found someone else by now.  She would just have to keep all of her emotions under lock and key, not let anyone know that she was hurting.

If they asked, she would simply say that she and Kim no longer wanted the same things and there would be no further contact between them on either personally or professional basis. It wasn't the whole truth but she wasn't lying either. She just couldn't take the stares and whispers and the pity they would all feel for poor Dr. Weaver. No, she didn't need anything or anyone at all.

She didn't want to think about the feeling of betrayal and loss she was feeling. Thinking about it, Kerry realized that she was more upset about what Kim's betrayal meant rather than the fact that she had done it and the feeling of loss was not due to the departure of the female, but more for the loss of the future that seemed so certain only a scant few days before. What would become of her now that she had lost the one thing capable of giving her what she wanted?

The next week had passed by in a flurry of new reports and new and interesting medical cases. She hadn't had time to sleep let alone stop and think about her problems. Either no one had noticed the lack of communication between her and Kim, or they had simply chosen not to comment. She was glad for this because she knew if she had to endure the stares of pity that would be tossed her way she would crack.

She managed somehow to put on a brave front and not allow the others to see her pain. She managed to appear rested because of her liberal use of sleeping pills that she had prescribed herself to fight the insomnia that would occasionally plague her. Make-up and a very fake but well acted smile completed the shield that she put around her.

She had decided in the course of the week that she would never allow anyone to get too close because in the end she was always the one hurt. There was only so much that the human heart and spirit could endure and Dr. Kerry Weaver was nearing the end of a very short rope. The cloud of pain that always seemed to be around her now was almost suffocating. She was losing herself in the feelings of pain and hurt that she was in denial about having in the first place. She didn't know how to rescue herself from the dark place she was now finding herself and truthfully didn't know if she wanted to escape.

She had been in a place similar to this years ago after the fatal stabbing of Lucy Knight and the almost fatal stabbing of John Carter.  Being the one who had found them, she was particularly disturbed.  She was drinking to escape, to feel free of the pain that had been inflicted on her and her friends for years. She knew that night that she was lost in the misty haze of alcoholism and that she couldn't save herself. What saved her before was actually Carter.  By virtue of just being there, not dying, and not acting like if was her fault, she pulled herself out.

Carter was now emotionally MIA.  After she, Mark, and the rest had given him that wretched 'group attack,' Carter had never fully forgiven her.  She didn't need to be forgiven, at least that's what she told herself.  She told herself that not only did she need nobody but that she didn't need to be rescued either. She realized that she was mildly depressed but didn't see her condition for what it was. Of course, because of a spectacular acting job at work no one else knew it either.

She was always on guard, making sure the thin veneer stayed in place at all times and she didn't let anyone see inside her carefully projected armor. She had worked for years to open up to the people around her. When she first started at County, she had been closed off and allowed people to only see the hard-assed image she presented. But little by little she had allowed the people working at the hospital into her world, befriending them and becoming like a family.  None so much as Carter

Slowly, so that no one else would notice, she had once again closed herself off from everyone. She had appeared to be the same drill-sergeant that everyone knew but she allowed less and less to penetrate her wall. She was slowly sinking into an all-consuming darkness and for the first time in her life Kerry didn't have the strength or will to pull herself out.