The Stars Beneath His Feet
Song: Same Mistake by James Blunt
Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet
Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go
Dean woke up slowly after the most vivid dream. He saw the outline of Mia lying next to him. She was always there but it wasn't enough. He found no comfort in her being there. They had met two and a half months ago. She was a waitress in a diner and he thought she was pretty. So they went out on a few dates and when she invited him to move in he accepted. She loved him but there wasn't much left of him to love her. He only stayed with her because he hated to be alone, he liked living with someone else, and he liked seeing her, knowing she was safe and happy. He wondered if she could see through him. She probably could, but she clearly didn't mind. She needed to be with someone as much as he needed to be. It was like the relationship he had had with Lisa. She didn't have the heart to tell him to leave, partly because she needed someone to be there herself. Love didn't matter much anymore. Love was overrated. He would never truly love Mia but he would never leave her either. Because this was the best life he was gonna get. And it was good with her. She kept his mind off of things. And what was even more important was that she didn't push, didn't ask too many questions, and didn't expect too much of him. Cause let's face it, he really didn't have much to give. Not after Sam turned evil and then failed to get better and eventually died. If he hadn't of been dead before that, he was certainly dead now. He tried, he really did try for Mia, he tried to be the best boyfriend he could be. And she was satisfied for the most part. She loved him no matter what scars he wore, no matter what burdens he carried, no matter how many nights he cried himself to sleep. He tried.
He got up and walked outside to get some fresh air. He was sick of the insomnia, feeling guilty in case Mia woke up and started to worry. It had happened before. She was really worried about him most of the time, and he was glad he had found someone who cared. After so many months of having no one to turn to. He worked as a mechanic now, and on her lunch break she always came down and they ate together. It was great. It was a comfort to both of them. Cause much like Dean was, Mia was damaged too. She had had some past boyfriends who slapped her around a little, and ever since then she never really felt safe, never really stopped feeling paranoid. Unless she was with Dean. They both stayed and promised never to go because in that way they were made for each other. And there wasn't much more Dean could ask for. He had it good with Mia. But he still wanted more. Dean walked to the park and sat under a tree, staring up at the stars until he felt dizzy and thought that the sky was at his feet. That always made him feel alive. That always made him remember Sam, when they had done the exact same thing on the hood of his Impala. Both were gone now. And it was only the stars that remained.
He thought back to the dream, one of a number of the same dreams he woke up from every night. The same words he heard long ago echoed in his head, same familiar voice that he hadn't heard in so long. The threats and insults thrown at him, the ones that he had taken because he knew they would be taken back and made up for. The rustle of feathers and curious blue eyes opened wide to gaze at him in wonder and confusion. The soft face and inhuman-like qualities and actions that had drawn him like fire to water towards the angel in the first place. He thought he was doing the right thing back then, holding everything inside and pretending it was never there in the first place. While he sat there next to his brother every night and day and cried inwardly for the loss of something which he never had in the first place. A heart strong enough to love the angel unconditionally and forever.
Hello, hello; There is no place I cannot go
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy; Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go...Uhuuuu uhuuuu uhuuuu
Dean looked up at a star and saw the angel.
"Hello Castiel."
Hello Dean.
There was no harm in pretending. It hurt more if he didn't.
"I'd go anywhere you are, Cas. If only I could find you. Just come to me and tell me what you want me to do, where you want me to go. Just tell me how to love you cause I'm at the most deepest loss sitting here stuck in my head alone."
Dean closed his eyes and forced himself to forget, cause what they had never had wasn't there anymore.
"I can't think coherent fucking thoughts without you hear anymore. I can't live like this anymore."
The tears were falling and the more they fell the harder it was to keep his eyes shut. So he opened them and saw Castiel floating in the sky before him.
"Do you know how much I miss you, Cas? Can you feel my tears my longing my regret?"
He could scarcely believe these words were coming out of his mouth. But he wasn't Dean Winchester anymore, he hadn't been for a long while. And right now, right in this moment, he just couldn't care. No one was here watching him so he didn't care.
"My heart is dead cause when we first met I gave it to you. Don't you remember? Don't you know that?"
The angel was smiling down at him and he cursed that smile because it wasn't real. Because he wasn't able to see Dean down here right now. Because he truly didn't know.
"Can you see me here and do you even care?"
I'm in love with an angel but I could have never let it show.
"I can't get back on track. I have no idea where to go. And do you even know?"
And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night
Said he'd seen my enemy; Said he looked just like me
So I set out to cut myself, and here I go...Uhuuuu uhuuuu uhuuuu
Dean stood up and started walking again. Deeper into the park. He remembered those first days when he had wondered whether Castiel was supposed to be his enemy. But then again, he knew he would never have been able to think of him like that. He would have trusted Cas until the day he died and decayed in the ground.
"Maybe I was the enemy. Maybe I let you down and you never thought much of me."
He pulled the knife out of his back pocket and stared at it. He looked back up at the stars.
"I'll never be able to give myself enough physical scars.
And so he cut. One cut for Sam. One cut for his Impala. One cut for his lost soul. One for his dead heart. One cut for everything he could never give to Mia. One for the stupid mistakes he had made with Lisa. One for all the pain and grief he had put Bobby through. One cut for his one true love. The angel Castiel. He stopped and stared at his blood and remembered everything.
I'm not calling for a second chance
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason but don't give me choice
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again...Uhuuuu uhuuuu uhuuuu
He knew what he wanted, what he was asking for. But he also knew that he would never admit it out loud. He would always say no. And he hated himself for it.
"I don't deserve any more choices, Cas. I know I've let you down more times than I can count. I just want you to know how much you mean to me."
He stared down at the blood steadily falling to the ground. His arms would be covered in scars after this. If he survived.
"I love you, Castiel! I love you and I hate myself for it!"
He stumbled forward and told himself to keep on walking. Throughout the park, throughout the remainder of his life.
"I don't know why I love you. But I know I'll always say no. I'll always tell myself I don't deserve you, Cas. I'll always make the same mistake."
Always make the same mistake.
And maybe someday we will meet, and maybe talk and not just speak
Don't buy the promises 'cause, there are no promises I keep
And my reflection troubles me, so here I go...Uhuuuu uhuuuu uhuuuu
And maybe someday they'll meet again. Maybe someday they'll tell each other how they really feel. And maybe that just didn't matter to Dean. Cause how could something like that ever work out. Castiel didn't feel the same way about him. And Dean would just make the same mistake.
"You said you would come back. But you never did. And I've been so alone."
The tears mixed with his blood wasn't a pretty sight. And it made him sick. It made him sick to see what it was now. What he had become in Cas's absence. He looked up at the stars and saw himself. Pitiful. Pathetic. Dead.
I'm not calling for a second chance
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason but don't give me choice
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake…
I'm not calling for a second chance
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason but don't give me choice
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again...Uhuuuu uhuuuu uhuuuu
Dead. He was dead now cause he felt it so deep inside him that he could no longer breathe. He saw the figure of an angel he thought he recognized walk up to him.
"Dean…"
"No. It's not you. You're not supposed to be here. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you."
And as Dean Winchester sank down to the ground, his head was swimming in a pool of his own blood, and the angel's voice was screaming words outside his head. A sickening thought came out of nowhere. That the sight before him suddenly looked a lot like Cas.
"Dean no…"
"Cas? You really came?"
"I'm so sorry."
"It's okay. It's not your fault."
"I'll never make the same mistake again, Dean."
Dean smiled and drifted amongst the stars. He saw Mia running towards him and he wondered if she would make it in time. He wondered if he would make it through this. It didn't matter. He was fading into the sky and melting into the stars. And he was happy. He was at peace. And if he didn't make it out of this he was fine with it. Cause Cas was too late.
Uhuuuu uhuuuu uhuuuu...Saw the world turning in my sheets,
Uhuuuu uhuuuu uhuuuu...And once again I cannot sleep.
Uhuuuu uhuuuu uhuuuu...Walk out the door and up the street.
Uhuuuu uhuuuu uhuuuu...Look at the stars,
Uhuuuu uhuuuu uhuuuu...Look at the stars fall down,
Uhuuuu uhuuuu uhuuuu...And I wonder where did I go wrong?
"Dean!"
Cause he would never make the same mistake again.
FIN