Disclaimer:I do not own Zelda series or it's characters, because If I did I
wouldn't be writing fanfiction, now would I? I'm sure Nintendo is taking
good care of the Zelda series for us!
SirLief:Welcome to my first fanfic ever! Warning Spoilers and stuff! Bad language!Drug Use! What could wrong?Alot, so read.
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It was a bright and sunny day, clouds lazily strolled across the blue sky, birds chirped , all was well. In the inner sanctum of Hyrule Castle , great decorations lay scattered on the ground. A great wedding was held here, with officals and friends part of it, and the public outside. Now what wedding would be so important that pratically all of Hyrule was involved? The Princess' and The Hero of Time's, duh!
We see our happily wed couple ride off west from the Town, on the back of Link's steed Epona. Our happy new couple were afforded a private room in the Gerudo's Hideout, as a sign of their friendship with the royal family. It was also the closest thing to a bachelor party Link would get according to Zelda.
"So we're going to the Desert of Hot Chicks, Zelda?" asked Link, full well knowing the answer. "I wish you wouldn't put it that way, Link.." replied Zelda coldly. "But, you didn't even let me have a Bachelor Party and you had a Bacheloretterieaora Party!" whined Link. "Can't you even say Bachelorette?" "No" snapped Link, now angry. "You know we're supposed to 'Happily Wed' according to prior paragraph!" Zelda retorted to his snap. "That's because the Narrator is a bastard, now let's go to hot chick city!" Link informed Zelda.
So they went, calling me a bastard, of course they did! I'm always the bad guy!WHY?*cries hysterically* Anyways, little did they know they were being followed by two women or rather a girl and a fish-woman who were jealous of Zelda's catch.
"Did you tell the Gerudo's out plan?" the Fish-Woman asked from behind a bush. "Naturally, Ruto" replied a nearby tree. "What the FUCK!?" screamed Ruto loudly.
At the loud yelling of the word fuck, Zelda turned her head. She saw nothing so faced forward again thinking of how great her and Link's sex would be. She also thought how fun it would be when they got stoned too.Now back to our talking tree.
"Bitch, you almost got us caught!" yelled the tree. "What did you do with Saria evil tree?" Ruto asked frightfully
When Saria dropped from the tree's branches, Ruto let a sigh of relief. She then proceeded to grab an axe out of a nearby stump and turn the tree into firewood.
"I'm sorry that happened, Saria, I didn't notice the tree took you 'till you yelled from it's branches!" Ruto apologized. "I was hiding in the tree," Saria said "and that tree, was my friend...." "Thus, the reason I hate Kokoris...." sighed Ruto
Meanwhile......
"The Place of Hot Chicks! Awesome-ness!" Link screamed.
Zelda sighed and grasped his hand.They were now in the Thieve's Hideout.
"Linkie, I got some great hash from the Poe Guy, wanna try it?" Zelda asked nicely. "You wish, bitch!I'm gonna have me my well deserved bachelor party!" Link said, refusing her offer. "You know, we are married! Even if we had to wed, I'd think you like it a little more!" Zelda said as she broke into tears. However, Link was too busy hitting on a Gerudo to notice. "Men," Zelda muttered."they are all pigs!"
"You know, my momma should named me Campbell's 'cause I'm M-M-Good!" was Link's witty pick-up line. (A/N:Silly willy, I don't own Campbells!) "Your right, your mother should of," replied the Gerudo "if I was intrested in men I'd take you back to my place,but you see we Gerudos are Lesbians!" "How do you have children then?" Link asked, confused as hell. "Simple, they go to town rape men have children ,come back here and act like no one knew it!" answered Zelda as she walked up to Link. "You rape people, is that even possible?" the ever-dumb Link asked again. "Yes" the Gerudo informed him "and your room is on the third floor second door to your left I believe" "WHO TOLD YOU WE HAD A ROOM!?" screamed Link, fearing the paparazzi. However the paparazzi is the least of his and Zelda's worries.
At the entrance to Gerudo Valley.....
"How do we cross Saria?" asked Ruto. "Simple, the Longshot!" answered the Sage of Forest. "One problem bitch, we don't have the Longshot!" "You should have it, it was in YOUR temple!" "Don't take that tone of voice with me!" "You wanna fight me, bitch!?" "Pfft! I wouldn't call it a fight!"said the Princess of Zoras. "Let's go, then!" taunted Saria.
So, they began cat-fighting and rolling around and such. After a while they stopped and decided to make fun of Zelda while they thought of how to get across.
"Remember when she was a man? That was hillarious!" piped Ruto squeakily, after all being choked by a Kokiri sorta damaged her vocal chords there. "When she was Sheik she was damn hot though!" added Saria, moving her blood- matted hair off to the side of her face. She then noticed a glint on the ground. There was a small device looking exactly like the Longshot!(*gasp!*) "Look, Ruto, Link must of dropped the Longshoot when he,bitch, and Epona jumped across the Valley!!" yelled Saria joyfully. "Hey here's his Mask of Truth, Deku Nuts, Deku sticks, Bow and Arrow, Hookshot, and Boomerang!" Ruto said as she found each one "He should of a bought a Spoils Bag from that pirate ship!" "Uh..Ruto?That's Wind Waker!" corrected Saria.
They collected Link's belongings and Longshotted acrossed the valley and stalked our unhappilly wed couple on the other side of the river.
Our unhappy couple........
Link and Zelda took the Gerudo's directions perfectly. However the room was pitch black and there was barely any light in the hallway, they couldn't see what they were doing in there.
"Link! Wrong hole, that's my ear you idiot!" screamed Zelda as Link licked her ear. "Um oops, and what part of you is this?" asked Link "None of me?" replied Zelda "So it's not you holding my arm?" "Nope." "Then I'm holding my own arm thinking it's your leg?" "Are you?" inquired Zelda. "Must be" said Link.
Suddenly a blinding light emanated from the keyhole of the door which lead out of the room. Link and Zelda scampered to it, hoping a passing Gerudo could help. Next thing they knew they were in a cell.
"Sorry," said a Gerudo guard "but 50,000 rupees isn't chump-change!" "Whaaa.....?" Link said as he came to, he felt like he was thrown off the castle tower hit the bricks and then shown a naked picture of Talon. He was pained both physically and mentally.He then noticed smoke coming out of the cell next to him and weird giggling. "Cooooooooooooooooooooool, the Ocarina of Time makes a great bong!" declared a stoned Zelda. "Damn princess" muttered the Gerudo Guard. "Try being her husband, hot bi-etch!" said Link in a state of uber- stupidity. "Sooooi, howie told us ....AHHH! PINK CHRISTINA AGUILERA MONSTERS!" yelled Stoned Zelda. "She wants to know who told you to do this...." translated Link. "Fish-bitch and green child is what they told us their names were" said the Gerudo "but nothing about keeping it secret!" "Saria and Ruto....." muttered Link "What was about Malon and Talon and the fat bastard, Rauru?" Stoned Zelda rambled. Link sighed and ignored her, plotting how to get out of his cell. He figured he could charge the bars and cut them off. Then he realized he was stripped, exclude tunic and boots. "Curse them...." muttered Link. Then he decided to sleep, and so sleep he did.
Well while he's sleeping let's check on Saria and Ruto, eh?
They had got to the other side, Ruto was busy with the carpenters playing a game of 'strip poker' , she won though. She was winning, because she didn't have any clothes to lose! Saria however was talking to the Boss. "...And then Zelda went and got herself caught in one of Ganondorf's magically crystal shells after revealing she wasn't a man. I think Ganondorf swings that way, meaning she likes men." Saria's story continued. "You said 'she' isn't Ganondorf a he?" asked Boss. "Oh yeaaaaaaaahhhh!" said Saria. "Did the Crystal have any air-holes?" asked Boss. "What Crystal?" said a confused Saria. "The one in the story!" said an intrigued Boss Carpenter. "Ah yes, no it didn't have any air holes! Then Link went and saved the day blah blah blah!" Saria had clearly lost intrest in the story now. "I see" said a satsified Boss."Want to have sex with me?" "No, your like 100 and I'm like 10! Now shoo you pervert!" The Boss Carpenter did shoo and with his men, who had lost to Ruto, continued to work on a bridge. "Do you think our other members of People Against Z/L are coming?" asked Ruto "Probably not..." sighed Saria "That crystal thing was hillarious!" said Ruto "she just floated there while Ganondorf looked up her skirt! Ha Ha Ha!" "Yes it was nice.." said a deep voice. "Yay a member!" cried Saria. "Hello Ganondorf!" "Hello girls " smiled Ganondorf "I brung Malon, we made cookies!" He then preceeded to let Malon off of his shoulder. "Yeah, they're cucco cookies!" Malon chirped. Ruto and Saria spit them out at once. "MADE FROM CUCCOS!?" yelled Saria. "No, in the shape of, duh!" sneered Ganondorf."Is Rauru coming?" "Don't know" answered Ruto. "Wuzzup Homie Gs?" said a feeble voice. They all turned around to find Rauru behind them. "Think y'all can start pimpin' Zelda wif out me? Y'all be trippin!" Rauru said or as he wants sayz. "Rauru, people don't talk like that." Saria told him. "Yez they do, homie gz, all hip-hop kids do. Y'all just jealouz of meh shizzle fizzle bizzle talk!" Rauru told her, excuse me :toldz her: "All right, L/Z HATERS UNITE!" scream Ruto and they all jumped and raised their fists in the air. The carpenters shot them odd glances as they marched to Thieve's Hideout.
Our imprisoned and now stoned couple....
"Told you the Ocarina of Time makes a great bong Link!" said a stoned Zelda. "Just glad the guard allowed you to pass it to me" said an ever more stoned Link. "GAH! PINK BRITENY SPEARS WHO THE AUTHOR DOESN'T OWN OR LIKE FOR THAT MATTER!" "I see them too, Linkie-poo" said Zelda. "Dumb gits," muttered the Guard "I shall play my Gameboy while I wait." So the guard pulled out her Gameboy and played Tetris. (A/N: Like I own Tetris! Tetris is the best thing to come out of Russia!)
So they were going nowhere, at least the L/Z Haters have some action. So let's see them again....
"Wait! We forgot a member!" cried Saria. "The portal has opened from the Evil Realm" said Ganondorf "Mr. Big Badz Rauru closed it on him" "The Italian had it comin' yo!" saidz Rauru. "I'll open it again!"
After a brief ritual which took three years four days and 97 seconds, oops I read that wrong, Three Minutes Four Seconda dn 97 Miliseconds, and portal to Evil Realm opened in a rockface. "Come on out Homie Gz" saidz Rauru. No one did come out. "He's not comin after all" said a depressed Ganondorf. "May I take his place then?" said a voice from the portal. "SHOW YOUR SELF!" yelled Ruto. "Yeah mysterious voice!" snapped Malon "Fine, I am someone you know well. Someone who detests the marriage of Link and Zelda. I am Impa, Sage of Shadows!" cried Impa who jumped out of the Portal. "Oh yeah, I invited her after our wild night last week!" said Ganondorf sheepishly. "I see" said Saria "You can come"
So they set off to the Thieve's hideout, again, hopefully not stopping again.
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SirLief: What will happen to our stoned couple?Why do they all hate L/Z so much?Find out next time in Oh and thanks South Park for the pink Christina Aguilera monsters!
SirLief:Welcome to my first fanfic ever! Warning Spoilers and stuff! Bad language!Drug Use! What could wrong?Alot, so read.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a bright and sunny day, clouds lazily strolled across the blue sky, birds chirped , all was well. In the inner sanctum of Hyrule Castle , great decorations lay scattered on the ground. A great wedding was held here, with officals and friends part of it, and the public outside. Now what wedding would be so important that pratically all of Hyrule was involved? The Princess' and The Hero of Time's, duh!
We see our happily wed couple ride off west from the Town, on the back of Link's steed Epona. Our happy new couple were afforded a private room in the Gerudo's Hideout, as a sign of their friendship with the royal family. It was also the closest thing to a bachelor party Link would get according to Zelda.
"So we're going to the Desert of Hot Chicks, Zelda?" asked Link, full well knowing the answer. "I wish you wouldn't put it that way, Link.." replied Zelda coldly. "But, you didn't even let me have a Bachelor Party and you had a Bacheloretterieaora Party!" whined Link. "Can't you even say Bachelorette?" "No" snapped Link, now angry. "You know we're supposed to 'Happily Wed' according to prior paragraph!" Zelda retorted to his snap. "That's because the Narrator is a bastard, now let's go to hot chick city!" Link informed Zelda.
So they went, calling me a bastard, of course they did! I'm always the bad guy!WHY?*cries hysterically* Anyways, little did they know they were being followed by two women or rather a girl and a fish-woman who were jealous of Zelda's catch.
"Did you tell the Gerudo's out plan?" the Fish-Woman asked from behind a bush. "Naturally, Ruto" replied a nearby tree. "What the FUCK!?" screamed Ruto loudly.
At the loud yelling of the word fuck, Zelda turned her head. She saw nothing so faced forward again thinking of how great her and Link's sex would be. She also thought how fun it would be when they got stoned too.Now back to our talking tree.
"Bitch, you almost got us caught!" yelled the tree. "What did you do with Saria evil tree?" Ruto asked frightfully
When Saria dropped from the tree's branches, Ruto let a sigh of relief. She then proceeded to grab an axe out of a nearby stump and turn the tree into firewood.
"I'm sorry that happened, Saria, I didn't notice the tree took you 'till you yelled from it's branches!" Ruto apologized. "I was hiding in the tree," Saria said "and that tree, was my friend...." "Thus, the reason I hate Kokoris...." sighed Ruto
Meanwhile......
"The Place of Hot Chicks! Awesome-ness!" Link screamed.
Zelda sighed and grasped his hand.They were now in the Thieve's Hideout.
"Linkie, I got some great hash from the Poe Guy, wanna try it?" Zelda asked nicely. "You wish, bitch!I'm gonna have me my well deserved bachelor party!" Link said, refusing her offer. "You know, we are married! Even if we had to wed, I'd think you like it a little more!" Zelda said as she broke into tears. However, Link was too busy hitting on a Gerudo to notice. "Men," Zelda muttered."they are all pigs!"
"You know, my momma should named me Campbell's 'cause I'm M-M-Good!" was Link's witty pick-up line. (A/N:Silly willy, I don't own Campbells!) "Your right, your mother should of," replied the Gerudo "if I was intrested in men I'd take you back to my place,but you see we Gerudos are Lesbians!" "How do you have children then?" Link asked, confused as hell. "Simple, they go to town rape men have children ,come back here and act like no one knew it!" answered Zelda as she walked up to Link. "You rape people, is that even possible?" the ever-dumb Link asked again. "Yes" the Gerudo informed him "and your room is on the third floor second door to your left I believe" "WHO TOLD YOU WE HAD A ROOM!?" screamed Link, fearing the paparazzi. However the paparazzi is the least of his and Zelda's worries.
At the entrance to Gerudo Valley.....
"How do we cross Saria?" asked Ruto. "Simple, the Longshot!" answered the Sage of Forest. "One problem bitch, we don't have the Longshot!" "You should have it, it was in YOUR temple!" "Don't take that tone of voice with me!" "You wanna fight me, bitch!?" "Pfft! I wouldn't call it a fight!"said the Princess of Zoras. "Let's go, then!" taunted Saria.
So, they began cat-fighting and rolling around and such. After a while they stopped and decided to make fun of Zelda while they thought of how to get across.
"Remember when she was a man? That was hillarious!" piped Ruto squeakily, after all being choked by a Kokiri sorta damaged her vocal chords there. "When she was Sheik she was damn hot though!" added Saria, moving her blood- matted hair off to the side of her face. She then noticed a glint on the ground. There was a small device looking exactly like the Longshot!(*gasp!*) "Look, Ruto, Link must of dropped the Longshoot when he,bitch, and Epona jumped across the Valley!!" yelled Saria joyfully. "Hey here's his Mask of Truth, Deku Nuts, Deku sticks, Bow and Arrow, Hookshot, and Boomerang!" Ruto said as she found each one "He should of a bought a Spoils Bag from that pirate ship!" "Uh..Ruto?That's Wind Waker!" corrected Saria.
They collected Link's belongings and Longshotted acrossed the valley and stalked our unhappilly wed couple on the other side of the river.
Our unhappy couple........
Link and Zelda took the Gerudo's directions perfectly. However the room was pitch black and there was barely any light in the hallway, they couldn't see what they were doing in there.
"Link! Wrong hole, that's my ear you idiot!" screamed Zelda as Link licked her ear. "Um oops, and what part of you is this?" asked Link "None of me?" replied Zelda "So it's not you holding my arm?" "Nope." "Then I'm holding my own arm thinking it's your leg?" "Are you?" inquired Zelda. "Must be" said Link.
Suddenly a blinding light emanated from the keyhole of the door which lead out of the room. Link and Zelda scampered to it, hoping a passing Gerudo could help. Next thing they knew they were in a cell.
"Sorry," said a Gerudo guard "but 50,000 rupees isn't chump-change!" "Whaaa.....?" Link said as he came to, he felt like he was thrown off the castle tower hit the bricks and then shown a naked picture of Talon. He was pained both physically and mentally.He then noticed smoke coming out of the cell next to him and weird giggling. "Cooooooooooooooooooooool, the Ocarina of Time makes a great bong!" declared a stoned Zelda. "Damn princess" muttered the Gerudo Guard. "Try being her husband, hot bi-etch!" said Link in a state of uber- stupidity. "Sooooi, howie told us ....AHHH! PINK CHRISTINA AGUILERA MONSTERS!" yelled Stoned Zelda. "She wants to know who told you to do this...." translated Link. "Fish-bitch and green child is what they told us their names were" said the Gerudo "but nothing about keeping it secret!" "Saria and Ruto....." muttered Link "What was about Malon and Talon and the fat bastard, Rauru?" Stoned Zelda rambled. Link sighed and ignored her, plotting how to get out of his cell. He figured he could charge the bars and cut them off. Then he realized he was stripped, exclude tunic and boots. "Curse them...." muttered Link. Then he decided to sleep, and so sleep he did.
Well while he's sleeping let's check on Saria and Ruto, eh?
They had got to the other side, Ruto was busy with the carpenters playing a game of 'strip poker' , she won though. She was winning, because she didn't have any clothes to lose! Saria however was talking to the Boss. "...And then Zelda went and got herself caught in one of Ganondorf's magically crystal shells after revealing she wasn't a man. I think Ganondorf swings that way, meaning she likes men." Saria's story continued. "You said 'she' isn't Ganondorf a he?" asked Boss. "Oh yeaaaaaaaahhhh!" said Saria. "Did the Crystal have any air-holes?" asked Boss. "What Crystal?" said a confused Saria. "The one in the story!" said an intrigued Boss Carpenter. "Ah yes, no it didn't have any air holes! Then Link went and saved the day blah blah blah!" Saria had clearly lost intrest in the story now. "I see" said a satsified Boss."Want to have sex with me?" "No, your like 100 and I'm like 10! Now shoo you pervert!" The Boss Carpenter did shoo and with his men, who had lost to Ruto, continued to work on a bridge. "Do you think our other members of People Against Z/L are coming?" asked Ruto "Probably not..." sighed Saria "That crystal thing was hillarious!" said Ruto "she just floated there while Ganondorf looked up her skirt! Ha Ha Ha!" "Yes it was nice.." said a deep voice. "Yay a member!" cried Saria. "Hello Ganondorf!" "Hello girls " smiled Ganondorf "I brung Malon, we made cookies!" He then preceeded to let Malon off of his shoulder. "Yeah, they're cucco cookies!" Malon chirped. Ruto and Saria spit them out at once. "MADE FROM CUCCOS!?" yelled Saria. "No, in the shape of, duh!" sneered Ganondorf."Is Rauru coming?" "Don't know" answered Ruto. "Wuzzup Homie Gs?" said a feeble voice. They all turned around to find Rauru behind them. "Think y'all can start pimpin' Zelda wif out me? Y'all be trippin!" Rauru said or as he wants sayz. "Rauru, people don't talk like that." Saria told him. "Yez they do, homie gz, all hip-hop kids do. Y'all just jealouz of meh shizzle fizzle bizzle talk!" Rauru told her, excuse me :toldz her: "All right, L/Z HATERS UNITE!" scream Ruto and they all jumped and raised their fists in the air. The carpenters shot them odd glances as they marched to Thieve's Hideout.
Our imprisoned and now stoned couple....
"Told you the Ocarina of Time makes a great bong Link!" said a stoned Zelda. "Just glad the guard allowed you to pass it to me" said an ever more stoned Link. "GAH! PINK BRITENY SPEARS WHO THE AUTHOR DOESN'T OWN OR LIKE FOR THAT MATTER!" "I see them too, Linkie-poo" said Zelda. "Dumb gits," muttered the Guard "I shall play my Gameboy while I wait." So the guard pulled out her Gameboy and played Tetris. (A/N: Like I own Tetris! Tetris is the best thing to come out of Russia!)
So they were going nowhere, at least the L/Z Haters have some action. So let's see them again....
"Wait! We forgot a member!" cried Saria. "The portal has opened from the Evil Realm" said Ganondorf "Mr. Big Badz Rauru closed it on him" "The Italian had it comin' yo!" saidz Rauru. "I'll open it again!"
After a brief ritual which took three years four days and 97 seconds, oops I read that wrong, Three Minutes Four Seconda dn 97 Miliseconds, and portal to Evil Realm opened in a rockface. "Come on out Homie Gz" saidz Rauru. No one did come out. "He's not comin after all" said a depressed Ganondorf. "May I take his place then?" said a voice from the portal. "SHOW YOUR SELF!" yelled Ruto. "Yeah mysterious voice!" snapped Malon "Fine, I am someone you know well. Someone who detests the marriage of Link and Zelda. I am Impa, Sage of Shadows!" cried Impa who jumped out of the Portal. "Oh yeah, I invited her after our wild night last week!" said Ganondorf sheepishly. "I see" said Saria "You can come"
So they set off to the Thieve's hideout, again, hopefully not stopping again.
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SirLief: What will happen to our stoned couple?Why do they all hate L/Z so much?Find out next time in Oh and thanks South Park for the pink Christina Aguilera monsters!