Disclaimer: I don't own these characters from Nikita.
Alex shut the door behind Nikita and turned the deadbolt. She leaned against the door for a moment and shook her head with a smile on her face, thinking about how worried Nikita had been to leave her. With much reassurance and encouragement, Alex had finally gotten Nikita out the door to do some work. She descended down the steps into the great room of Nikita's loft. Just as she got to the bottom, she heard a quick knocking at the door.
"Nikita?" She called, as she headed back up the stairs. "You forget something?"
She flung open the door with a grin, anticipating catching Nikita in the act of a moment of forgetfulness, which she was beginning to discover was very rare.
As soon as Alex unlocked the bolt and was turning the knob, the door was roughly pushed open from the outside. A large man suddenly plunged into her safe house, and the action pushed Alex backwards down the steps. What the hell? Alex screamed and quickly jumped to her feet again and took off running across the room. She heard the door slam, felt him closing in behind her, soon felt his hand grab her hair and yank her backwards onto the floor. She hit the floor on her back with a loud thump and felt the wind knocked out of her. She tried gasping for breath, but could suck in no air. The man grabbed her roughly and picked her up with his large hands on the outside of her arms. In doing so, she finally got a good look at his face. Still unable to breathe, she looked into his eyes and knew he had seen him before. The fearful recognition set in just as she felt herself blacking out.
Nikita had planned on being gone for a good portion of the day. She had some recon to do on her next mission, and she had been neglecting it since she had been spending all her time lately tending to Alex. Alex... Nikita smiled just thinking about her young charge. Alex had been with her almost a month. She was completely clean and sober now. She was still highly suspicious, but was finally starting to develop some trust with Nikita. She had gotten Alex set up with a few things to do, mostly just rest, while she planned to be gone for the day. But this was the first time she was leaving Alex alone for a long period of time. And Nikita had reservations about doing so. Was she going to be okay? Was she going to get into something? Was she going to flee? Nikita remembered back to the time she had stepped out to get groceries the first week with Alex, and came home to find the young girl had OD'd on some medication she had found. And the next day when Alex had been too overwhelmed by Nikita's revelations and had tried to run away from her. And now….Nikita had only been gone for ten minutes, but something didn't feel right. She knew Alex was probably fine, but she had a bad feeling. She wanted the girl to know that she trusted her, but she also wanted to check up. Nikita decided to go home, and just peek in on her, without letting her know that she was there. She just needed to be sure that she was okay.
Alex regained consciousness on her bed to the feeling of the big man pulling off her pants. They were just leggings, easily removed. And she wasn't wearing underwear, which made it even easier for him to gain access to her. She immediately started kicking and struggling and screaming. Anything. To get him off. She heard him chuckle.
"No! Noooooo!" She screamed.
This couldn't be happening. How many times had she endured rape before? She thought this time in her life was over. She thought she was going to be safe with Nikita. But she was never going to be safe, as long as there were men around. She was on her tiny cot, with Nikita's bed right next to her. The man came up alongside her on the tiny bed, and Alex saw in horror that he was already naked and very ready for her. This man. She had seen this man before. They had bought drugs from the same dealer, and on those desperate days when she didn't have any money, she had resorted to whatever means necessary to get a hit.
"Beautiful Alex. I have missed you. And your sweet body. Where have you been, my love?" He grabbed her face and kissed her roughly on the mouth, forcing his tongue inside. He began to climb on top of Alex, and pushed her shirt up as he did so, exposing her breasts. Alex stopped kicking in order to keep her legs tightly together. She screamed into his mouth as he kissed her hard again.
Nikita was just about to quietly open the door and peak in on Alex when she heard a muffled scream from inside. She instead flung open the door, to see a horrible scene playing out across the room. She could pretty much see nothing of Alex, only the man on top of her with his bare ass in the air, looking ready to strike. Fury and protection flooded Nikita, and she ran across the room while drawing her gun. When she was close enough to get a good shot without hitting Alex, she pulled the trigger without hesitation. Alex screamed as the man fell limp on top of her.
"Alex!" Nikita reached her in one second and rolled the man's body off of her and onto the floor. Alex lay there on the bed, blood drenched the entire front of her naked body and blood splatter was all over her face. She looked at Nikita in shock and horror, unable to speak.
"Alex, are you okay?" Alex remained motionless and did not turn her head in Nikita's direction. She started convulsing uncontrollably and was making little strangled, tearless cries. Nikita reached for her, but Alex flinched away. It was obvious that the girl had gone to another place and was reliving other horrors from her past.
Nikita instead helped Alex into a sitting position, with her arm around her shoulders, and said, "Come on, let's get you cleaned up."
She helped Alex to stand and with her arm still around her shoulders, directed her to their shower room. Like everything else in Nikita's loft, the shower room was vast, with multiple shower heads and a large tile floor. Alex stood there numbly outside the shower as Nikita reached in and turned the water on to get it warm. She took hold of Alex's blood soaked shirt by her waist, and lifted it up and over the girl's head in one motion. She then directed the numb Alex to stand under the flow of water.
"Come on, sweetheart. It's okay. Let's get you all washed up." Alex stepped in, arms protectively wrapped around her thin body. She seemed to respond to the water, and suddenly came back to the present. She put her hands over her face, and then started trying to grab at the water to get more and more of it on her face and hands.
"Get him off. Get him off! GET HIM OFF OF ME!"
"Okay. I am. I am." Nikita soothed. And in that moment she realized that standing outside of the shower trying to assist wasn't going to cut it. Alex needed more than that right now. Forgetting about her clothes or staying dry, Nikita stepped in. She grabbed the soap and made as many white, fresh, sudsy bubbles as she could. She completely covered Alex's torso in white, then took a washcloth and began to wipe her face. Alex just stood with her hair in the stream, letting it wash away all the filth. Nikita began to wash Alex's hair, and she could tell that Alex was starting to zone out again. When she was finished with her hair, Nikita went back to stand in front of Alex, her clothes thoroughly drenched by now.
"Alex, did he go inside? Alex?" Alex did not respond. Nikita asked again, "Alex? Did he go inside you? Alex, answer me!" Nikita grabbed Alex by the shoulders and shook her a little. Alex suddenly startled and seemed to register what Nikita was saying.
"No. No, he didn't." Alex finally looked at Nikita's face, and looked into her eyes. "No, he….he… was about to. But then….you came." Her eyes searched Nikita's as the water poured over her face.
"Oh my….. Nikita. Thank you!" She suddenly started sobbing and without warning, flung her arms around Nikita and cried into her neck. Nikita responded by wrapping her arms around Alex's back and hanging on tight. Relief immediately flooded Nikita that Alex had not, in fact, been raped. But all the other horrible things that had happened in the last few minutes began to catch up with her. The images of Alex with a man on top of her, Alex covered in blood, Alex zoned and lost in the past….all flooding back over her. She had promised to keep her safe, and she had very nearly failed. Nikita held onto the girl for all she was worth, as they stood under the flow of hot water and let it wash them clean. Alex continued to sob into Nikita's neck and cling to her like a young child.
When Alex pulled away, she looked into Nikita's eyes and with desperation, she said, "You have to teach me. You have to teach me to fight. You have to teach me NOW, Nikita. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't get him off me. I don't ever want to be that powerless again. Teach me. Please."
"Okay," Nikita whispered. "I will."
Nikita spent the better part of the rest of the day cleaning up and disposing of the body. She moved her own fairly clean cot away from the carnage, and got Alex settled on it. Alex stayed there on her cot in the fetal position for the majority of the day, rising only to use the bathroom. The smell of bleach was heavy in the air of the loft as Nikita scoured the flour, the cot and the walls from the blood spatter. She laundered Alex's clothes and bedding multiple times.
Nikita kept a watchful eye on Alex as she went about her tasks. The late afternoon sun began to stream in the west facing windows and the light seemed to make everything in her loft sparkle and glow, including the young broken girl in a huddle on the cot. Nikita longed to just hold her in her arms and soothe and comfort all the pain away, but even after a month, Alex was not ready for that level of closeness. And after the events of today, Alex seemed to have regressed back to the state she was in when Nikita first got her. It broke her heart to think about all the horrors that Alex had gone through in her young life. Nikita carried tremendous guilt that although she had saved Alex from dying in the fire when she was 13, the family "friend" that she entrusted with her in turn had sold the young Alex as a sex slave. And now Nikita was filled with guilt again at having told Alex she was safe in her apartment, and at having left her alone.
Nikita glanced again in Alex's direction. Alex was lying on her side scrunched up, staring off into space. Nikita approached her, but Alex did not seem to see or acknowledge her closing in. Nikita gently touched her shoulder, and Alex jumped. Alex turned her face up to look Nikita in the eye with a startled look on her face.
"It's okay. It's just me." Nikita soothed.
Alex didn't say anything in response, but just continued looking in Nikita's eyes, as if searching for some safety and familiarity. Nikita squatted next to the cot so their faces were level, keeping her hand on Alex's shoulder.
"Do you want to talk about anything, Alex?" She implored.
Alex looked away and continued her blank stare into space. "No," she said matter of factly.
"Okay, darling, I will be right here if you change your mind." Nikita gave her shoulder a few pats as she stood up. She forced herself to walk away and move on to another task. Nikita could only do so much to help her right now. Alex had to rediscover her will to survive in order for them both to move on.
By nightfall, Nikita had the loft all back in order. The day seemed to have passed in a blur for Alex. She had been only vaguely aware of Nikita moving about around her. She had questioned her occasionally, but Alex had repeatedly shut her down. This day had been all about living in the past. No matter what she did, her mind had been flooded with different events and moments from her past. It was all she could do to keep from screaming and crying. Instead, she had tried to lie as motionless as possible, not wanting to scare or frighten the woman who had already given her so much. Even though their safety perimeter had been breached, more than anything, she wanted to stay with Nikita. She was afraid Nikita might think she was really too much to handle after all, and turn her away, if the woman saw the turmoil that was really going on inside her. Alex had stifled everything inside her all day, and now Nikita was standing over her again, asking her what she wanted to eat for dinner.
Dinner? Put food in her body? Really? There barely seemed enough room to contain all the feelings and emotions she had stuffed in there, let alone put food in there. She mumbled something about soup, and Nikita seemed happy that she was willing to eat something and set off to make it perfect, no doubt. And that was the thing about her. She could do anything. Anything. And she did it perfectly. How did she do that? Alex felt like the most incompetent, disgusting, retarded, ugly duckling next to her. But Nikita saw something in her that made her want to keep her, and that confused Alex, but she was more than happy to oblige.
Nikita returned in a little bit with a steaming bowl of something, and Alex sat up. Nikita set the tray on the other cot, and moved a few pillows to the head of her cot, and then motioned for Alex to lean back against them. Alex scooted up and did as she was told, and then Nikita placed the dinner tray on her lap. Nikita sat on the edge of her cot next to her legs and just looked at her, like she was not quite ready to leave until she made sure Alex was going to actually eat. Alex picked up her spoon and dipped it in the hot liquid. She stared at Nikita while she drew it up to her mouth and took a sip. It was just tomato soup, but it did taste delicious and it went down easy. She dipped her spoon in again for another bite, and Nikita seemed to relax a little. Nikita also had brought a bagel, which Alex nibbled on, and some pear slices.
Nikita started in on some chatter about the loft, and how in cleaning she had ended up rearranging some things, and about a new piece of technology that had been delivered that afternoon, and about how she was glad she had gone to the grocery store the day before because they had plenty of food for the next few days and didn't even need to leave to go anywhere. Alex just stared at her while she talked, because it was so out of character for her to just ramble about things. But Alex knew she was trying to distract her so she wouldn't realize she was still eating, and that she was just trying to keep the mood lighthearted, for her sake. Alex wasn't ready to talk about anything serious yet, and Nikita didn't bring it up.
After she finished as much dinner as she was going to eat, Nikita took her tray away. Alex slumped down on her pillows. She still felt greasy and nasty. She decided that another shower was in order before bed, so she got up and headed into the bathroom. Once again, she felt more alive and revived with water flowing over her. She washed and scrubbed and stood under the flow until the water started to run cold. She got out, shivering, remembering that she forgot to bring a towel in. She glanced to her right, at what was an empty dresser, but now found that a clean warm towel and a set of comfy clothes were set there waiting for her. She smiled for the first time since the attack, at the thoughtfulness of her hostess. Alex got dried and dressed and pulled her hair back. She brushed her teeth and went to the bathroom and then finally emerged feeling satisfactorily clean but exhausted. Nikita was sitting up at her computer, waiting for her. She looked readied for bed, too. Alex approached her and saw that Nikita also looked exhausted. This day had taken a toll on both of them.
"You look refreshed." Nikita said, looking her up and down with a small smile. "Ready for bed?"
Alex simply nodded and headed off in the direction of their sleeping area. There was so much she wanted to say to Nikita, but being in her presence often left her tongue-tied.
Nikita turned off her computer and the lights around the loft and joined Alex at their cots. Alex was already lying down and was covering herself up with her blanket. Nikita got into her bed and did the same.
Alex lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling. She wanted to talk to Nikita, but couldn't seem to form the words.
Nikita, lying facing her, gave her a few moments to try, until she finally said, "Well…..goodnight." She reached up to turn off the lamp beside her and rolled onto her back.
Alex lay in the semi-darkness, as the city lights that came in through the huge window never allowed the room to settle into complete blackness. But her own dark thoughts invaded her mind, making the room seem thick as ink. Terror started to envelop her, and she tried to squelch it. She couldn't close her eyes to block it out, because that seemed to make it worse. She tried turning on one side, then another, doing her best to make it seem like she was moving in her sleep.
From her bed, Nikita could hear Alex struggling. She knew she was doing her best to stay quiet, but Nikita's senses were too heightened to let anything slip past them. Nikita lay there, feeling Alex so close and yet so unreachable. She could keep extending her hands all she wanted, but as long as she did Alex would keep pushing her away. It was Alex that had to make the first move this time. And so Nikita waited through the painful silence and stifling darkness. After about a half hour, she finally heard a sigh like one does before speaking.
"Nikita?" Alex whispered in a small voice.
"Yeah?" Nikita answered, holding her breath, hoping she wasn't going to hear a "nevermind" in reply.
More pauses, another sigh, and finally, "I can't close my eyes."
"Yeah," Nikita said, more in affirmation than questioning, wanting to respond, but not with too much.
"I mean, I am tired. I am exhausted. But when I close my eyes, I just see his face right in front of me again, and the hungry look in his eyes right before he kissed me. And then his face changes into other faces of other hungry men who have been on top of me….including my own father. They don't go away. They are just there. Hungry. Taking pieces of me away forever. Until there is nothing left….." Her voice trailed off.
Nikita had turned on her side again to face her while she spoke, and she watched Alex stare up at the ceiling as she finally let out some of her feelings. Nikita felt tears welling up in her eyes and spilling on her pillow as she heard Alex's words. They could have been her own words, too.
"…..are they ever gonna go away, Nikita? Are they ever gonna leave me alone? I want them gone. I want to feel like a whole person again. I don't even remember the last time that I felt like me. I don't even know what 'me' is anymore." Alex sighed and her face scrunched up.
Nikita sat up and on the edge of her bed. She felt the timing was right. She went down on her knees right in front of Alex's bed, and reached her hands out to the girl's shoulders, turning her body towards her.
She looked her square in the face and said, "You WILL feel better. You WILL overcome this. I am going to help you get YOU back. And in time, all those guys….well, you won't even be able to make out their faces when you close your eyes. They will be merely shadows, fading farther and farther into the background."
"But," Nikita continued as she got up and moved around to the other side of her cot, "….in the meantime…." and slid it right up alongside Alex's, "….I'm gonna be right here. I will help you chase those bad guys away."
For the second time that night, Nikita climbed into her bed and turned onto her side to face Alex. Only this time she was closer. A lot closer. She reached her arm out, and cupped her hand around Alex's shoulder and pulled her in slightly closer. Their two cots wouldn't allow them to get too close, as the barred edges were very hard and raised, but it was close enough for now. Nikita kept her arm wrapped around Alex and worked a soothing hand up and down her back.
"Alex, I am going to protect you. And when I say you are safe, I really mean it this time. No one is EVER going to get past me to get to you again. I want you to stay right here with me. I think that we could be just what each other needs. Something neither of us has ever really had…." Nikita paused a long time, contemplating whether to say her next words, until they finally came out in a whisper, "…a family."
Alex did not reply, but Nikita could see her face plainly in the light shining in, and knew that she was listening, actually hanging, on her every word.
"But for right now, in this moment, you can close your eyes. You can sleep. I will stay right here beside you. No one is going to hurt you tonight. Sleep. Close your eyes. It's okay."
Then she heard a sniffle, then a choke, then a few more sniffles. And in moments, Alex was full on sobbing. Nikita cuddled her in as close as she could and tipped her head toward Alex, sharing the moment with her. Nikita's own tears were falling freely as she felt Alex's pain seep out of her very soul. She whispered words of encouragement and comfort, and did the best she could for Alex until she felt Alex's body finally start to relax and she knew she would soon be drifting off to sleep.
As Alex finally let herself go, she spent the last few conscious moments soaking up the comfort that the gentle touch of a loved one brings. It was something she hadn't felt in years, since her mother had been killed. But she felt it again tonight for the first time. And just the presence of the loved one evoked the tears and the releasing of emotions, just as her mother had been able to do. The hand of a loved one comforted her tonight, for that is what Nikita had become to her this day. Her loved one.