Pfffffffffftshusluch
Author: MoonStarDutchess
Oneshot
Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from this fanfiction.
AN: This was inspired by a friend Riri and my boyfriend. It's been a while since I wrote some of this kind of humor. Hope you enjoy it.
Pfffffffffftshusluch
Roy sat down the last box in the hallway of the new home he was going to share with Riza Hawkeye. It was certainly a fixer upper but definitely livable. With a bit of chalk and-he chuckled- he didn't need chalk for alchemy anymore he could just slap his hands down and bam. It was quite convenient even thought he obviously didn't enjoy the means of getting such a skill. He looked down at his palms, the scars where Bradley stuck the two swords through his hands still vivid against his pale hands.
He sighed and stood as he heard the front door open. Riza came in carrying two bags in one hand and a pizza box in the other. "It's so hot out there," she said, as she walked toward him. He took the bags from her and followed her to the kitchen, anxious for some food and, more importantly, a greeting kiss from his beautiful girlfriend. As soon as they sat the items on the counter-top she turned and smiled at him and he leaned in to kiss her, bracing his hands on either side of her, against the counter. She closer her eyes and accepted the kiss breaking away only when the phone rang.
"I'll see if I can find the dishes in one of these boxes," Roy said as he moved away and Riza went to answer the phone. He knelt in front of a box and opened it. When he saw it was pots and pans, he moved to the next box. He removed two glasses from that box and moved to the third, which were dishes. After removing two plates, he sat the dishes up on the counter. There would be no need for silverware since they were just eating pizza.
He opened the pizza box and helped himself to a slice while he listened to Riza's familiar voice speaking to the person that called. His ears perked when he heard the familiar lilt that always overtook her tone when she was annoyed.
He stopped chewing and waited, trying to listen to what she was saying. A moment later, she came into the room, looking every part of the annoyance that drifted to her voice when she was speaking on the phone.
"What's wrong," he asked immediately after he swallowed the food in his mouth.
"The mover's truck broke down and they don't have another one. We either have to find another truck to deliver the furniture or wait for the other one to come from their sister store tomorrow."
"Damn. Guess we'll have to go to a hotel."
"With the conventions in town the hotels are probably all booked up."
"Well that's just convenient. There's always conventions in this city at the most inopportune time for us.
"Our blankets and pillows are here already. I supposed we could make up a bed on the floor until tomorrow. We've slept in worse places after all. It's supposed to be cold tonight so we can sleep in front of the fireplace in the living room."
He sat down his slice of pizza and grinned. He grabbed her waist and pulled her against him. "And I can keep you warm if you get cold."
"It's not me that usually complains about the cold," she said, giving him a peck on his nose before pulling away and heading for the pizza. She grabbed a slice and took a bite.
"Well I only complained because I didn't have you to snuggle up to."
"What am I? A bed warmer?"
Roy grinned.
She just smiled and poured them a glass of milk. Roy wrinkled his nose.
"You know when you do that before you drink milk, you remind me of Ed."
Roy quickly wiped the look off his face and took a sip of it.
"Think that fridge works?" Roy asked, motioning to the fridge against the wall. "Looks pretty worn out but we need something to keep these things fresh until ours gets here.
"The former owners said that their new kitchen came fully equip and that they were leaving it here. It's in working order but they mentioned something unique about it. When I asked them what they avoided the subject."
"What in the heck could be unique about a fridge?"
"Maybe it has some sort of special feature to it."
Roy tilted his head to the side. "I don't think rust can be considered a special feature."
Riza elbowed him lightly. "Just eat," she said with a chuckle. "I'm sure it will work for a day at least.
-/-/-/-/-
Riza piled up several blankets on the floor to lie on so they could sleep remotely comfortably on the hardwood as Roy came in still dressed. "You know that our clothing is with the furniture too?"
Riza looked up. "What? But I put some boxes in there marked clothing."
"All we have is underwear and socks. And I don't think these are going to fit me." Roy held up a pair of her silky underwear she wore especially for him. "Why didn't you label that box as underwear so we'd know?"
Riza stood and yanked the underwear out of his grasp. "Did you see the looks of those movers? I'm not going to label a box underwear when big, sweaty, harry men are handling our boxes. God knows what they'd do."
Roy chuckled. His girlfriend had the strangest hang-ups. "That's an interesting quirk," he said.
"Huh?"
"It's nothing important, never mind."
Riza shrugged. "Okay then, let's get some sleep."
"You don't have to tell me twice," he said. He started to get into bed but Riza stopped him. "What's wrong?"
"You can't sleep in those clothes," she said.
Roy looked at himself. "What do you mean? What's wrong with them?"
"You've been moving all day. Both of us are dusty and sweaty. We can't sleep like that."
Roy smirked. "Why don't you just admit that you want to see me naked?"
"I never said anything about naked," she said. "You do have boxers in there and our bathroom stuff is here. Go shower."
Roy frowned. "You're saying I stink aren't you?"
"Yes but so do I."
Roy grinned. "Then let's conserve water and shower together. What do you say?"
"Why don't you just admit that you want to see me naked?" she teased.
"I always want to see you naked. Do I really have to admit that fact?"
"No, I suppose you don't." She chuckled. "Okay then. Let's go shower."
-/-/-/-/-/-
Riza couldn't help but feel a bit uncomfortable as she got down on her knees on the makeshift bed she'd constructed in front of the fireplace. It wasn't due to the position of the bed but the fact she had nothing on but her camisole and panties. Sure, Roy saw much more of her naked but going to sleep in underwear was still quite an oddity to her when she was used to wearing pajamas.
She glared at Roy when she saw that there was a rather displeased look on his face.
"What's the matter with you?"
"Those panties look more like shorts."
"They're called boy shorts."
"It would have been nice to see you in the lacy ones."
"It would be nice to sleep in a bed too but we can't complain," she said, as she moved to lay on her side, her back to him. She felt Roy scoot closer to her and wrap an arm around her waist.
"No , as long as you're here that's all that matters." He ran his hand under her shirt to play with her flat stomach as his lips kissed her shoulder.
"Go to sleep Roy," she said.
"I will in a bit."
"If you don't now then I'll never get any sleep."
"Why is that?"
"Roy!"
"Fine," he huffed. She laughed and turned in his arms to snuggle her face against his chest.
"You big baby."
"I am not a-" A huge " pfffffffffffftshuuuuusluch " sounded throughout the room, breaking off his sentence.
Riza pushed him away and sat up. "Roy! That's disgusting! It even sounded wet. Go wipe."
He sat up. "It wasn't me!"
"Then who was it? Hayate is all the way over there and if he did something like that it would've probably shot him over here!"
Roy looked at her suspicious. "If you smelt it you dealt it."
"I don't smell anything! And if I broke a wind like that I would certainly know about it!"
"Well I didn't fart but I heard it too!"
Riza looked at him warily but nodded. "I suppose if you let one like that you'd be claiming it for the rest of your life."
"Of course I wo... no, I wouldn't. Wonder what it was."
"Let's just go back to bed," she said, lying back down. He did as well and pulled her into his arms again.
"Are you sure you didn't?"
"No!" Roy snapped.
Roy moved to lie on his stomach. Just as they both were about to doze off, the noise came forth again in a different variation. Pffffff tuttttt ttttt ffffffffftshuuuuusluch.
"Okay Roy…" Riza began, her voice muffled because it was buried into her pillow. "That was definitely one of your butt trumpets."
"It's wasn't me."
"Then who?"
"Tell me, doesn't a scent usually accompany a fart? Do you smell anything at all?"
"I wouldn't know."
"Get your nose out of the pillow and take a deep breath under the covers."
"You are going to do that Dutch oven trick again aren't you?"
"Riza! Stop being so damn silly. It's late and I want to—" Pffffffpluppluppiffff. He furrowed his eyebrows.
"I'm definitely not brave enough to go under there now."
"Riza!"
Grrrrplipplippoing! Riza sat up and looked at Roy oddly. "Now I know that didn't come from you!"
"None of it did!" Roy knew his girlfriend could be amusing but never this annoyingly so.
"What the hell was that?"
Pffffffffffftshuuuuusluch. Pffffff tuttttt ttttt ffffffffftshuuuuusluch. Pffffffpluppluppiffff.
"Well there's almost the entire wind orchestra," Roy said.
"Almost?"
Grrrrplipplippoing.
"There's the finale."
"Ah," Riza said. "Let's find out where it's coming from."
They got to their feet and walked out into the hallway. When the familiar sound occurred again they looked at each other. "It's the kitchen." Roy said.
They walked inside and the room was silent. They waited for the sound to occur again. They sat down on the stools at the kitchen island. "Okay, so we wait for whatever it is."
Riza nodded. "Right."
-/-/-/-/-/-/-
An hour later, Roy's head was resting flat on the kitchen island, a bit of drool hanging on his mouth while Riza rested her head on his back.
Pffffffffffffffftshuuuuusluch!
Roy's head shot up at such a quick speed towards the noise that Riza fell backwards and hit against the counter. Luckily, she caught hold and prevented herself from tumbling onto the floor. "Roy! Be careful! You almost gave me a bla…" she trailed off when she saw the look on his face. It was somewhere between shock, amusement, and extreme confoundedness.
She turned to look in his direction and her eyes widened. "What the hell?"
The pale yellow fridge was vibrating, creating a steady but low hum. There was a small stream of smoke emitting from the bottom.
"There's the pfffffff sound." Roy said.
"Next should be the shuuusluch," Riza said. Sure enough, the fridge started to shake.
They watched as the fridge began its noise cycle. Going from shooting a small stream of steam to humming, to puffing. "We need to turn that thing off before it blows up," she said.
Roy stood and went towards it but she grabbed his shoulder. "It's too dangerous. Let's turn off the plug at the breaker box instead."
"It's nothing to worry about."
"The last time you said that we both got stuck naked in that cave on the beach."
Roy smiled. "Yeah, good times."
Riza shook her head as she watched Roy walk to the fridge. She tensed but relaxed when he unplugged it without incident.
She walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Okay, now let's go to bed."
"We need to make sure the fridge got cold enough to keep the food until morning at least."
"Does it matter?"
"Hey, waste not, want not."
Roy opened the fridge and both of them were greeted with a thick cloud of smoke that shot out at them like a fan was blowing it from inside. They both started coughing and quickly exited the kitchen their bare feet sliding on the floor. When they got to the hallway, after the coughing was over and their eyes actually opened without feeling like hot magma was being pored into them, Riza spoke, "You know, My life has gotten completely insane since I started dating you."
Roy was surprised she wasn't angry with him. "Yeah."
"Before it was so normal." She said.
"And boring," Roy said then coughed.
Riza nodded. He was right. With Roy, there was never a dull moment.
AN: Just in case someone doesn't know what a Dutch oven trick is, I present the definition from urban dictionary.
Dutch oven: The act of throwing out a vicious, obnoxious fart in bed and then holding the head of a loved one underneath the sheets.