I do not own Bleach nor do I own Habits (Stay High) by Tove Lo.
Author's note: I'm not trying to promote drinking or taking drugs as a means of being happy or using them as a form of escape. While listening to the song, I just thought it would make a good story for Toushiro and Momo.
I eat my dinner in my bathtub
Then I go to sex clubs
Watching freaky people gettin' it on
It doesn't make me nervous
If anything I'm restless
Yeah, I've been around and I've seen it all
She stumbled out of the Seireitei completely out of her mind. She wanted to puke her guts out but at the same time also want to keep downing on shots of tequilas and bottles of beer. It was madness- her whole world is spinning, she cannot stop grinning, and she keeps on making out with random strangers who does not give a single fuck on who she was and where they were. The sun is just a few minutes shy of rising and she is about ready to collapse on her bed... or her kitchen floor, again.
One of the guys she was drinking with was kind and sober enough to give her a ride home. As Momo walked towards her apartment, the deafening silence of her room almost deemed her deaf. It was empty, dark, and lonely, reminding her again of what she have lost.
Fighting back the tears, she dragged her feet to the bathroom and stripped all of her clothing. Momo stepped into the shower and let the ice cold water numb her skin; it was still not enough. The alcohol, the hook-ups, the painkillers... they will never be enough to get him out of her system.
Why? Why is so damn hard to forget about you?
She no longer knew how long she have been standing there. She no longer knew if it was shower water or fresh tears that ran down her cheeks. Everything felt the same. The pain was as unbearable as that day he left... the day he broke her heart.
I get home, I got the munchies
Binge on all my Twinkies
Throw up in the tub
Then I go to sleep
And I drank up all my money
Dazed and kinda lonely
"Momo..."
Toushiro?
"Babe..."
Her eyes snapped open. Sitting up, she found herself in their bedroom. It was a little past midnight. God, how long was she knocked out?
"Momo? Baby?"
She froze. She must be hallucinating. She must be out of her mind. Is she still dreaming? Must be. She does not want to wake up. Ever.
Slowly, Momo raised her head to see her other half standing right in front of her. He looked at her as if she was crazy. Perhaps I am. Not seeing her respond, Toushiro walked to her bedside and softly brushed his knuckle against her cheek. Momo's eyes closed instantly as she reveled on the feeling of his warm skin touching her own. She helplessly grabbed onto his arm and pulled him towards her. She caged him within her arms, refusing to let go.
Toushiro, although confused at what was going on, returned the affection. He stroked her back the way she liked it- in a slow, circular manner.
"What's wrong, babe? You okay?" He murmured, placing a soft kiss on her ear.
She could only nod in response. He continued his ministration.
He's here. He's back. No, he never left.
Shifting slightly, she planted soft kisses on his neck trailing towards his lips. Momo kissed him like a starved woman. He kissed her just as hard. Hands were now fumbling and tearing clothes apart. She needed to feel him, all of him.
They made love the whole night. Tears kept streaming down her face. Momo refused to sleep, she was afraid that the moment she opens her eyes in the morning, he would be gone again. Not this time. She would substitute water for coffee for the rest of her life just to stay awake. But, how can she even win that battle with Toushiro stroking her back and softly humming their favorite song as she laid on top of him?
"Sleep, love. I'll always be here for you, never forget that," he said, placing a kiss on top of her head.
She followed.
You're gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Rangiku Matsumoto stared at her friend's apartment in shock- empty bottles of liquor were everywhere, dirty dishes adorned the sink and kitchen countertop, and clothes were strewn on the floor and couch.
"Momo?" She shouted.
Tipping around the mess, she made her way towards the master's bedroom. Matsumoto gasped as she saw the state of her friend; she was in worse state than her apartment. She hurriedly went to her side and shook her awake, "Momo? Momo, wake up!"
With a grunt, Momo tried to open her bloodshot eyes. Her head was pounding and she felt like absolute shit.
"I'll get you some aspirin. Stay here," Matsumoto said. Momo heard her mutter about calling someone to clean the damn apartment but she felt too out of it to care. Her mouth and throat was so dry and tasted like vomit.
She wanted to slip back into oblivion but had a hard time doing so. She was already awake from the most wonderful dream.
Matsumoto returned to her room and placed a glass of water on the bedside table. She gently helped Momo get up on a sitting position, and handed her the pill, "Drink it so you can eat. I brought breakfast."
She then went back to the living room with the empty glass and called on one of their best friends.
"How bad is it?" The person on the other line asked with a concerned tone.
"I just called someone to clean up the place. I'm taking her to my condo for a few days," she replied.
Her friend sighed in reply, "I'll drop by tonight. Don't cook, I'll bring dinner."
"Okay."
Silence.
"Rangiku?"
Matsumoto took in a deep breath before responding, "I just saw some PCP in her bathroom. She needs help, Rukia!"
"I already talked to dad about that. He recommended a friend of his to take a look at Momo. Ichigo and I will accompany her there."
"It's already been five months. I just... I don't know what to do anymore-" she choked back a sob.
Rukia closed her eyes and tried fight back the tears. She knows where Rangiku is coming from. It has been a rough year for all of them, particularly Momo. She had never seen her friend so broken.
"Shh, I know. I know," she said, trying to calm her friend.
"It's just that, I promised him, you know? I told him that I would take care of her!" Rangiku exclaimed, tears now welling up her blue eyes.
Pick up daddies at the playground
How I spend my day time
Loosen up the frown,
Make them feel alive
Oh, make it fast and greasy
I'm numb and way too easy
Alcohol, drugs, sex. Since the day he left, those three became her best friend. She tried her hardest forget about him, did anything and everything she could possibly think of just to ease the pain. She wanted to numb herself of feeling. No one understood how she felt.
He was her life.
The first few days, she just let her tears stream ceaselessly down her face. Her whole being hurt. Words of comfort was never enough. How could you possibly tell someone who lost so much that everything was going to be okay again? He was never coming back. That thought alone made her want to vomit. She cannot touch him anymore. She will never hear his voice again. She will never able to kiss him, hold him, make love to him, be with him.
She was so desperate to forget. The high she feels from all the drinking, partying and smoking was, albeit temporary, gave her an escape. She felt free, happy, and numb.
But, by the end of the day when the alcohol and drug is washed away from her system, gravity slams her back to reality. She felt shittier and more depressed. The temporary bliss brought by her "friends" left her yearning for him even more.
Other men could not warm up her bed. She could not even feel the lips on her skin as they kissed her body. She slept with people whose name she does not remember. She made out with guys who was as intoxicated as she was, as heartbroken as she was.
For months on end, she tried to forget.
The hardest part of it all was that no matter how many shots of vodka she drinks, no matter how many men she sleeps with, no matter how many time she tries to escape, reality will not change.
He is gone.
And she has to accept that.
You're gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Momo stood silently by his grave. The epitaph bearing the name of the man she loves the most. This was one place she tried to avoid for longest time. She could not accept that Toushiro Hitsugaya is laying six feet underground. Five months have passed and the pain is as fresh as the second she heard the words, he's gone.
She swallowed.
"I fucked up," she whispered.
Hands clenched on either side, she choked back the tears. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and tilted her head up to the sky.
"You're so fucking selfish," she chuckled humorlessly. "Why did you go to a place I cannot possibly follow?"
She looked at the slab of stone again, her eyes long giving up from holding back the tears.
"You told me you won't leave me!" She said, her shaking hand now fiddling her collarbone.
Rangiku and Rukia watched from afar as their best friend cried to his grave. Their hearts were breaking for her. As much as they tried to make her happy, they knew it would take a long time before Momo can move on from her life. Toushiro has been her wall; he was her main foundation.
His death all took a huge toll on their lives. He has always been a strong person, fighting a disease with no possible cure. Although Toushiro knew that he had little time left, he acted as if the doctors gave him a hundred more years to live. Momo was positive that they would be able to fulfill their dream of being together till they grow old.
But soon, Toushiro's body finally gave in to his sickness.
Momo felt like hers simply gave in too.
Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain't got no end
Ooh
Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain
Ooh
"Why?" She kept on asking.
"It hurts so much," she cried. Her hand now holding onto her throat. She felt like she was drowning- all the anger, frustration, loneliness, and despair are now hanging in the air, choking her.
"Shiro-chan," she gasps.
If she could only have one more day, one more hour, one more minute with him at that moment, she would be satisfied.
But, she could only let her tears fall to the ground. She could only let the wind carry her cries away. She wanted to feel him wrap his arms around her shoulders. She wanted to feel the warmth of his body against hers. She missed him. so. much.
She cried even more as she felt her friends encase her in their embrace.
You're gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
She stood by his grave once again, this time with a soft smile on her face. Momo gently placed the bouquet of white roses on the patch of green grass and offered a short prayer.
It has been a rough year for her but she managed to get through it. Their friends worked together to help her rebuilt her life. She knew that she still had a long way to go before she could fully free herself from the pain of his death, but Momo was sure that Toushiro was guiding her to the right path through the important people in their life.
When she acknowledged the pain, it became easier for her to understand that it was necessary to accept it in order to move on.
The escape that she wanted was actually the reality she running away from.