"Momma and Pappa were State Alchemists growing up! Momma'd say she was with him on missions and everything and they fell in love. When we grow up, let's be State Alchemists together! That way, we'll fall in love and live happily ever after too, 'kay? It's a promise!"
"My name is Keitaro Urashima; I'm twenty years old and single. Now, if that didn't sound sad enough, I've also been kicked out of my house. See, my parents have this crazy idea that my dream of becoming a State Alchemist is never going to happen. 'Our entire house will turn to gold before you get in', my mother would say. Well, excuse me! So what if I'm bad at chemistry? And math? And metalwork? Okay, so what if I suck at everything?! So what if I've never had a girlfriend! So what if my parents treat me like an idiot?! It's not like I won't get a lucky break! Oh… who am I kidding? I never had a lucky break in my entire life! DAMN IT, I SWEAR I- huh? Yes, I know this is a library! No, I'll be quiet, I'll be quiet! Sorry…."
To say our protagonist was disheartened would be untrue. Two failures in a row would do a number on anybody's self esteem no matter how many times he would cry out from the rooftops that he would prove himself to his parents, to his classmates, to the very world. Tough fronts are just that: a front. Still, that A for effort gave him at least a little something to hold on to as he aimlessly wandered through Central City while his inner cogs turned. He had to pass his State Alchemists exam. That was certain. However, doing it while homeless was not the way to go. It was time to find a place to crash.
"Come on, come on, where are you? I know you're around here somewhere… Ah! 'Hinata Dorms, Front Entrance'", he read allowed from a nice and rusty old sign that directed him up a small flight of stairs along one of the greener parts of Central. You see, his grandmother also happened to be staying in the city, using her cunning old-lady ways to earn some extra cash. Some time ago, as Kietaro fuzzily recalled, it was a tiny little dorm she had opened for military hopefuls who could not afford regular housing in such a busy city. Commuting was a pain for students as well, not to mention the prices of private tutors or the best books. He also almost remembered saying that it was doing fairly well and that he was free to stay there for no charge incase her daughter ever kicked him out for being too stupid. Hah, like that would ever happen, Kietaro would joke. No matter, though. He was now in need of her kind offer, which he hoped did not have too short a half-life.
"A chemistry joke. Maybe I'm not such a lost cause after… all…"
The stairs he was climbing did not seem like such a long climb from the bottom. Then again, he wasn't wearing his glasses at the time. Usually, considering that self esteem issue previously mentioned, he chose not to unless he was studying which, ironically, murdered his eyesight to begin with. There was nobody around to laugh at old four-eyes, though and a little scouting couldn't hurt.
He plopped himself down on a step to give his lenses a shine and to take a breather, while he was at it. Who knows, maybe this uphill trek would count towards his physical education credits.
"Heh. More school humor."
He would have stayed for more air and more of the scenery and greenery (which was vastly different than all the industry and urban renewal at the bottom of this stinking hill) but there was plenty of work ahead of him if he wanted his third time to be the charm. So after a minute of trying to shake the sweat out of his shirt, he was up again to finish his hike and beg for a lodging at… what looked like a museum from the outside.
If he couldn't read the nice and big "Hinata Dorms" sign that topped the grandly designed red iron doors, he could have sworn this wasn't the right place. It seemed to be as big as the capital building from his point of view. Judging from the architecture and all the moss climbing the limestone walls, it was also possibly one hundred years older. Even those doors, which he had a little trouble forcing open were covered in rust, which explained the color.
"Hello? Gramma? Anyone home", he called out while marveling at the interior. Keitaro was thankful that he only had to yell once. The rooms were immense so the sound was easily carried through the whole complex, he figured. If nobody heard him, then nobody was there to. Besides, his lungs were sore from his walk upstairs. Also, he quickly noticed that failure wasn't the only reason he stunk. It was time to look for a shower. A convenient map of the house told him they were three floors up.
"Great. More stairs."
It's needless to say, but the showers were huge too.
"I had no idea the place was so fancy! Everything looks so expensive! Well, at least now I can study in style. That exam is going to be cake now! Yes sir, I can feel my worries just washing away…"
Keitaro let out a sigh of relief for the first time in years. It was, well, relieving. It was so relieving in fact, that he failed to notice another soul enter the shower.
"Oh, thanks for heating up the shower for me!"
Holy crap, it's a girl.
"Ahhhhh! So nice and hot! It's total heaven!"
His mouth could only let out mindless gibbering because his mind was too busy with thoughts of 'Shit. I'm dead. Why is there a girl here?' and the like.
"Geez, Kitsune. Drunk already? It's only like four in the afternoon. You're gonna get fat. But knowing you, it'll just keep going to your chest, huh!"
That was when the groping started. When the groping started, the mystery girl could feel our hero's flat chest and growing something-else. This all pointed to her guest being male. When she realized there was a man in her shower, there was only one possibility.
"SOMEBODY HELP! PERVERT!"
"I went into the girl's shower by mistake! I'm sorry", he screamed while running for his
life and cursing his rotten luck, who heard him and decided to send him crashing into a twelve year old girl who had just come upstairs after some grocery shopping. Upon seeing a naked man atop her, she screamed too. Hers was bigger than the other's and seemed to summon more femme fatales to her aid. The first sounded like a southern belle and the second wore the garb of an eastern priestess.
"You okay, sugah?"
"P-p-pervert…", the youngest one whimpered while pointing to the cowering naked man hiding his shame behind a corner and raising his arms high in the 'I surrender' pose. Apparently, he was trying to plead his case. The priestess cared not to listen, however. The look she gave him could kill. The sword drawn from a concealed sheath would. She took only one step closer and swung. She was nowhere in range though and Keitaro assumed he was safe for the moment until the blade reached the end of its arc. There, in a flash, it stretched itself out in a fluid motion and shot forward a full twenty feet, ready to behead the target. Reflex saved him from a sudden decrease in height but the blade kept going and cut through the limestone wall as if it was hot butter. Impossible, he thought, until he noticed that on the katanna's sheath was a transmutation circle. She was a samurai and an alchemist. Time to run again.
He zigged and he zagged as much as he could in an effort to lose the blade master in hot pursuit. She was carving up the building in an effort to carve up her target but so far, her attacks fell short and he was being left to flee undamaged. This fan-fiction funny-business continued for about another three minutes until our poor hero was cold clocked by calcium carbonate. The freshly transmuted knuckle sandwich had plenty of power behind it. It was probably too much since it kept going and knocked a good portion of an adjacent wall down.
The alchemist behind this trick was, of all people, the mystery girl who groped him earlier. She was dressed this time at least, in school uniform and thick gloves. The pair had circles on them as well. His assailants were clearly skilled. This made dying by their hands seem even worse so out that hole he dove. He was about half way to the ground when he remembered that he was three stories up. Oh well, at least some nice sharp bushes broke his fall.
Now that there was some distance between him and the psychopaths, he figured he could try to beg for mercy again. That was before he heard the unmistakable click of rifles. There, in the middle of the garden where he lay, were a dozen six foot tall clockwork soldiers. Another alchemy trick kept their gears turning and their firearms locked on target. Their puppeteer was another young one. She was unusually tan, and was giggling hysterically as she gave the order to fire. Time for more running.
The garden was also brilliantly crafted but he could check it out later. Right now, he spotted that it had a gate leading to the atrium, which lead to the front door. Blindly, he ran towards what looked like freedom but was cut short by the four girls from earlier, who had summoned their leader. In front of him was an army. Behind him was an army.
"House-mother! We caught a peeping tom", the boxer screamed, ready to deliver justice.
"Hmm? Oh, hey Keitaro", the house-mother said with a puff of smoke. "Was gonna call you later. You got something from Grandma in the mail."
"Grandma? What? Haruka, he's a pervert! Kill him!" The one in the gloves was certainly an eager one. She was impatient too, as she was growling at the poor kid while waiting for her landlady to finish another long drag on her cigarette before answering.
"I'm afraid that isn't possible. See, Keitaro here is my nephew", which she needed to emphasize before the mini-militia murdered him. Besides, she was already getting sick of the boy clinging to her legs, begging her to save him. "And besides", she said after another mighty hit, "he's to be the landlord of the dorm. Grandma sent him the deed. It's all legal."
"…I'm gonna what?"