If only you knew.
If only you knew that when I kiss you, I taste him. When I look into your eyes- beautiful as they are, instead of chocolate brown I see a green unlike any other, a green that seems to shimmer and morph into hazel when he's angry and becomes as deep as the sea when he's happy. When I hold you I imagine I am holding him. When you are asleep in bed, tightly enclosed in your goose feather cocoon dreaming of me, I, my princess, am dreaming of him.
When I murmur those three little words, in order not to let them be a lie, in order to stop the weight of those words from stagnating in the air unclaimed; I bury my head in your soft, jasmine scented curls, close my eyes and think of him.
You smile at me. You say: I love you so much Syed. You, blinded by the force of your love, do not see the lone tear that trickles down my face. If you do not see, that means you cannot know what causes the tears. I wonder... if you would love me so much if you knew who I really was. In your presence I am Syed. In his arms... I am Sy. I wish I could be what you so desperately need me to be.
If only things were fair. If only I wasn't in love with another. If only I loved you in the right way. If only I could tell you this in words. If only- oh if only- you knew.