A Day in the Life of…
Byakuya Kuchiki
Disclaimer: I'm a girl. 'Nuff said.
Byakuya Kuchiki straightened his kenseikan as he stoically walked into the office that morning. For some reason, he had the feeling that that particular day would be terrible. His prophecy began to prove itself true the moment he walked through the door of his office.
The sight of his lieutenant, Renji Abarai, laying drunk and in nothing but his underwear was the first thing bestowed upon his noble eyes at work that morning. The head of the Kuchiki clan appeared indifferent, but his thoughts betrayed his descent.
"Damn it. Why the hell does my lieutenant have to be so…muscular?" thought the bisexual part of his brain. Byakuya approached his lieutenant, staring down at his snoring face with what qualified as a tender look…that is, for Byakuya Kuchiki. Suddenly, a quick jab in the back shoved Byakuya. Byakuya fell forwards, putting him in a compromising position on top of Renji, who somehow, was still snoring away. The quiet click of a camera made Byakuya turn around in horror, his usually stony face now colored pink as a peach.
"Butter. Butter. Butter." Nemu said monotonously, snapping away with the camera.
Quietly standing next to her partner-in-crime, Isane shyly suggested, "Nemu-san, I think the correct term is cheese."
Byakuya stood up as calmly as possible and said in a restrained voice, "I don't know what this is about, but you guaranteed your defeat when you chose me as your target."
"Not this time, Byakushi!" a voice cried from above. Before Byakuya had the chance to move, a highly endowed woman fell from the ceiling right on top of him. "SUPER MATSUMOTO HUG!" the woman yelled at the top of her lungs before enveloping Byakuya in a choking embrace. One last click followed by a quiet whoosh from behind Rangiku signaled the coming and going of Captain Soi Fon with Isane and Nemu, and most likely, the camera also.
When Rangiku released the noble from her tight grasp, she exclaimed, "See ya, Captain!" and shunpoed away before Byakuya could say, 'Shatter'. Due to lack of oxygen, Byakuya then made the worst mistake of his life by tracking and following Rangiku's spiritual pressure. Also due to lack of oxygen, he failed to notice that Matsumoto's spiritual pressure led him right into Soi Fon's private quarters.
Like a bloodhound, Byakuya searched and searched, trying to find the camera with the incriminating pictures. Unable to find the item, he glanced around the room to see the damage done.
So maybe he had torn down every single Yoruichi poster. And maybe he toppled a few…well…make that twenty Yoruichi statues. Maybe he had torn apart a couple hundred black cat plushies. And maybe, just maybe, he had destroyed an entire shrine dedicated to Yoruichi. But Byakuya was just maybe-ing, right? Unfortunately, that was completely and utterly wrong.
Quickly, Byakuya made the executive decision to move to the next room quickly and hope that he could finish scouring the place before SHE showed up. Unfortunately for Byakuya, the universe had decided to wreak havoc on the little dignity he clung onto after joining the Gotei 13.
For the second time that day, Byakuya let his self-control slip and his jaw dropped to the floor. In front of him was Soi Fon, in nothing but her undergarments, standing on a stepstool to make out with a life-size cardboard cutout of the one and only Yoruichi Shihoin.
An eerie silence developed in the room as Soi Fon slowly spun around to stare at Byakuya. At first, shock filled her eyes, but it was soon replaced with a fiery inferno like no other. A maniacal grin washed over the Second Division Captain's face as she uttered, "Sting all enemies to death, Suzumebachi."
Normally, the sound of those six words would be enough to make someone pee their pants. However, this was Byakuya Kuchiki. So, naturally, he took the path that would let him keep the most of his dignity and flash-stepped away, screaming uncharacteristically as he went. Also naturally, Byakuya went to the place where he thought he would be protected.
As the noble arrived in the Head-Captain's office, Soi Fon plowed into him, toppling the pair of them over, leaving them with Soi Fon's hands on either side of Byakuya's head and staring down into each other's eyes.
Before either could react, the Captain Commander's voice erupted in the silence. "Like I've told Shunsui many, many times. Too many times to count! In fact, I've told him so many times that…"
"Captain," Soi Fon snapped in an attempt to keep him on track as the two Captains stood up.
Yamamoto frowned. "Like I've told Shunsui many times. I don't care if a captain is in a relationship. Please, just keep it under the radar. We've had too many building destroyed that way…"
Soi Fon blushed and interrupted once again, "Sir, I assure you that Byakuya and I are not in any sort of relationship."
"You wouldn't believe how many times I've heard that one," snorted the old man. "Oh, and Captain Soi Fon? Please do not traipse around Seireitei in just your undergarments. It doesn't set a good example for your subordinates."
"Yes, Captain," Soi Fon obediently replied. The pause after that allowed Byakuya just enough time to make his escape. "You can't get away that easily!" shouted Soi Fon, shunpoing away after the head of the Kuchiki clan. Both parties just barely missed Captain Yamamoto mutter, "Yeah. Definitely not in a relationship," before going back to…whatever he did in his free time. But that's a story for another day.
Byakuya deftly dodged the shinigami wandering the streets of Seireitei, whereas Soi Fon was held up a couple of times due to a lack of clothes. Nevertheless, Soi Fon eventually caught up with him and slammed into him at full tilt yet again. This time, however, they rolled to a stop right in front of Rukia and Ichigo, who was visiting Soul Society to update Yamamoto on what was going on in the real world.
This time, it was Byakuya who was blushing, not Soi Fon. For a moment, Byakuya and Soi Fon just stared at Rukia and Ichigo, who were staring right back at them. Out of the blue, Ichigo burst out in laughter, while Rukia just appeared to be baffled.
"Nii-sama! I thought you were gay!" Rukia exclaimed loudly enough for the shinigami nearby to hear, causing several snickers throughout the crowd that was rapidly increasing in size.
"Byakuya, what a catch!" Ichigo cried between guffaws, causing full out laughter in the audience.
Byakuya made use of the laughter to make a speedy getaway. He knew that there was no longer anywhere safe but the least likely place to be safe. With a smirk, he flash-stepped to the Women's Shinigami Association meeting area.
Unfortunately for Byakuya, his reverse psychology didn't apply to that particular situation. So, when he got to the room, a welcoming chair and rope was already prepared for his anticipated arrival. Quickly, he was tied up by Nemu and Isane, who had obviously been waiting for him. Soi Fon soon flash-stepped into the room, a smug look plastered to her face.
"I applaud you for a job well done, Soi Fon," came Nanao's voice. "We hadn't expected that it would be this easy to capture one Byakuya Kuchiki."
Soi Fon responded, "It was my pleasure. A good leader of the Stealth Force must be able to manipulate their target's mind to fit into their scheme. This was good practice."
"Byakushi!" a little, pink-haired ball of energy squealed. "Do you have any candy for me, Byakushi!" Byakuya ground his teeth at the sound of the infuriating nickname.
Nanao began in her strict voice, "I'm sure you are wondering why we wanted you here. Well, the answer is simple. The WSA is doing another calendar, and you were chosen to be in the January picture. For this, we'll need you to pose, as Rangiku-san put it, sexily."
"Basically, we need you to pose with almost none of your clothes!" Rangiku exclaimed happily.
Byakuya remained stoic. "Why?"
"You see, Byakuya, if you don't do this for us, we will publish that picture of you on top of Renji in the Sereitei Communications. I can almost see the headline now, 'Noble Byakuya Kuchiki Falls For Lieutenant'!" Soi Fon explained, a hint of something almost evil in her voice.
Byakuya's stony façade fell. "I don't have much of a choice in the matter, do I?"
"Nope!" came Yachiru's light, bouncy voice.
With a sigh, Byakuya granted the Women's Shinigami Association their wish. From then until sunset, the noble's pride and dignity was slowly stripped away with each click of a camera. At last, when Rangiku decided that they had obtained enough pictures, Byakuya was permitted to leave.
Devoid of any emotions, the Sixth Division Captain went back to his office in an attempt to get something out of the day and do some paperwork. When he arrived, he gracefully sat down in a chair and began writing in the neatest of calligraphy. On the second to last symbol, his thin brush snapped in two, leaving a long, black streak up the page.
"Damn it. Now I have to start over. Could today get any worse?" Byakuya thought before realizing that it was surprisingly easy to move his head. Slowly, he reached a hand up to his hair.
"DAMN IT. Where the hell is my kenseikan?"
Omake
"I have 100 yen, 100 yen, 100 yen. Who will offer 200 yen?" Rangiku asked.
"I'll buy it for 200!" a shinigami cried.
"200, I have 200! Who will offer 500 yen?"
Another shinigami yelled, "I'll offer 500!"
Rangiku continued, "Who will offer 700? 700? Going once…going twice…"
"10000 yen," said a deep, commanding voice. "Now hand over my kenseikan." Rangiku squeaked and eagerly handed over the hair piece to Byakuya.
A/N: Hey guys! I started another story! I hope you guys liked the first chapter! I really hope that it's funny on paper and not just in my head… Anyways, please R/R! Flames are ok! Constructive criticism is great! Suggestions or requests are awesome! If you have a specific character that you want me to write a day in the life of, just tell me in a review! Thanks for reading guys!