Title: The Great Barney Conspiracy
Author: liz_Z
E-mail: liz_Z@secret-agent.com
Category: Humor
Rating: PG
Spoilers: A reference to 'Going Postal'. Other than that, zilch.
Disclaimer: I don't own Darien, Bobby, Claire, the Official, or Eberts. And I definitely don't own Barney the Dinosaur. If I did, we would have had Dinosaur flambé a long time ago.
Author's notes: This fic idea sprouted from a very strange discussion about Barney hatred songs that occurred a while ago on the IMfanfic yahoogroup. The basic idea is silly; in fact the whole thing is absolute silliness. I'll probably look back at this a week from now and think 'why in the WORLD did I write this?' But that's okay. After my last story I needed a break.



The Official leaned back in his chair and sighed happily. It was Friday. That alone was enough to put him in a good mood. After today, he could spend two days at home, relaxing, catching up on his reading, and spending time with his five-year-old grandson who was coming to visit.


Even as he finished thinking this, the door to his office opened and his daughter Amy walked through the door, dragging her son Charlie after her. "Dad," she said in a tired voice, "I need you to watch Charlie for a while. I have to go out and run some errands, and I can't take him with me."


The Official nodded. "Okay, I think I can do that."


Amy sighed in relief. "Oh, thank God. I'll be back to pick him up around six." With that, she walked out of the room.


Young Charlie noticed that the TV that the Official and Eberts usually watched their soaps was sitting on the desk nearby and immediately began to jump up and down excitedly. "Grampa, Grampa, can we watch Barney the Dinosaur?"


The Official scowled. "But Charlie, wouldn't you rather watch something else, like a space movie or a western?"


Charlie frowned, stomping on the floor. "I wanna watch Barney. I wanna watch Barney!"


"All right, all right." The Official flipped the television on, but before he could do anything Charlie grabbed the remote.


"There's a live Barney marathon all day today," Charlie announced happily. The Official groaned; watching a children's television show was not what he'd had in mind when he'd been thinking of rest and relaxation. However, once he started watching, he found it was more interesting than he'd thought it would be. In fact, he found himself strangely unable to take his eyes off of the television.

**********

Darien and Hobbes walked into the Keeper's lab. Darien was rubbing his ears, and Hobbes was giving him a look that was a cross between concern and annoyance. "You know Fawkes, they give out those ear mufflers at the shooting range for a reason."


Darien gave Bobby an uncomprehending look. "What?" he yelled.


Claire watched the two of them with amusement. "Took him to the shooting range today, eh Bobby?"


Bobby nodded. "I figured he could use a few lessons. We never got that far, though. When I was warming up he forgot to put on his headphones."


Claire nodded, trying to keep from laughing. "I'd gathered as much."


Darien turned to Claire, completely oblivious to the conversation that had just occurred. "Hey Claire, I need a shot," he said, still a little louder than necessary.


Claire motioned to the chair. "Sit down," she said, loud enough for Darien to hear her. He nodded and sat down. Claire turned to Hobbes. "The Official left me a message a while ago, telling me to let you know he wants you up in his office. You'd better go on ahead, I think I might have to examine Darien's hearing."


Hobbes nodded. "Yeah, I don't want to have to deal with a completely deaf partner. He ignores me enough already." He turned around and walked out of the door.

**********

Fifteen minutes later, Darien walked into the Official's office. Immediately he noticed something was strange. The Official, Hobbes, and some kid Darien didn't recognize were all watching the television set. Darien walked up and tapped Hobbes on the shoulder. "Hey Hobbes, whatcha watching?" Hobbes held up a hand for silence. Darien looked at the screen for a moment. "Come on Hobbes, Barney the Dinosaur can't be that entertaining. What's our job?"


"Job?" Bobby asked absently, still completely absorbed in the television screen.


Darien stepped in front of Hobbes and said, "Yeah. The job. The job you came up here fifteen minutes ago to find out about?" Hobbes tilted his head to the side, trying to see around Darien.


The Official stopped watching the television screen just long enough to glance at Darien. "Shut up, Fawkes." However, his voice lacked its usual stern quality, and as soon as he finished speaking he turned back to the television set.


Darien glanced back at the television again and groaned. "Aw, come on guys..." He reached over and pressed the 'off' button. Immediately Hobbes, the Official, and the kid yelled in anger and lunged at him. Darien hurriedly pressed the 'on' button and leaped out of the way of the television set, a shocked look on his face. "Sheesh! I didn't know you guys were that into it." Immediately the Official, Hobbes, and the kid calmed down, lowering themselves back to their seats. They didn't even seem to notice that Darien was in the room anymore.


Darien turned around and walked out of the Official's office, giving Hobbes a worried look before he walked out of the door. Something weird was going on here. He decided to do the only thing he could do. He walked back down to the Keeper's lab. "Hey, Claire?"


Claire looked up from her notepad, which she'd just been writing on. "Yes?"


"Hobbes and the Official are acting really strange."


Claire frowned. "Maybe I'd better come check it out."


Darien nodded fervently. "I think that'd be a good idea."


Darien followed Claire back to the Official's office. Claire looked at the three people sitting in chairs, a perplexed look on her face. "Well, this is hardly unusual. They're just watching television."


Darien motioned to Hobbes. "Try talking to someone."


Claire walked up beside Hobbes. "Bobby?" Hobbes grunted, barely acknowledging Claire's presence. "Bobby, I need to ask you a question." But Hobbes wasn't paying attention to her anymore; he was once again completely riveted by the television screen. Claire looked back at Darien. "I think you're right. There is definitely something strange going on here." She turned to the television screen for a moment, then started to turn away, but after a moment she turned back.


Darien looked at Claire nervously. "Claire?" Claire didn't answer. Darien started to get a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Claire?" Still no answer. Darien started to back away from the television screen, a distraught look on his face. "Aw crap."


Just then Eberts walked through the door to the Official's office, holding a couple of files. He took one look at the television screen and yelped, "Holy mother of pearl!" He immediately lifted the files in front of his eyes and backed out the door. Darien followed, a confused look on his face.


"Eberts?" But Eberts was already running down the hall at full speed. Darien had to run to catch up with him. Darien grabbed Eberts' arm, pulling hard enough to bring both Eberts and himself to an abrupt stop.


Eberts looked up at Darien with fear in his eyes. "Please don't make me go back in there, don't brainwash me!"


"Whoa, whoa, Eberts, what're you talking about?"


Eberts calmed down a little bit. "Then... you're not one of them?"


"Them? Who's 'them'?"


Eberts led Darien back into the Official's office, and, carefully avoiding looking at the television screen, gestured to the Official, Hobbes, Claire, and the kid. "Them."


Darien shook his head in confusion. "I'm not following you here."


Eberts looked up at Darien desperately. "Don't you see? They've been brainwashed! Now they're just mindless zombies, slaves to... him."


"Who's him?" Darien asked, still very confused.


Eberts took a deep, shaky breath, and then uttered, "Barney the Dinosaur."


Darien laughed. "You're joking, right?" Eberts shook his head gravely. Darien's laughter slowed to a halt. "You're not joking."


"Of course not! Do you think I would joke about anything of this magnitude?"


Darien gave Eberts a nervous look. "You haven't been sniffing any more of those musical Christmas cards lately, have you?"

**********

Darien looked around Eberts' bedroom in mystified awe. Never before had he seen such an unusual collection of computer-related gadgets, spy equipment, and Barney hatred posters. He glanced back at Eberts. "Where'd you get all this stuff?"


"I'm a member of the Anti-Barney Crusade. You get this stuff when you join."


Darien glanced around the room again. "If this is what you do when you don't like somebody, I'll have to remember not to tick you off."


Eberts began picking up pieces of equipment. "I'm just glad that you noticed what was going on back there without getting brainwashed yourself."


Darien looked over at Eberts, a perplexed look on his face. "You know, I looked over at the TV a couple of times, but nothing happened to me. You have any clue why?"


Eberts turned toward Darien and stated matter-of-factly, "Because if you'd been turned into a mindless zombie the writer wouldn't have had anything to write about and this story would have ended before it began." Darien gave Eberts a look of utter confusion. Eberts hastily added, "Or maybe the gland has something to do with it."


Darien shook his head, laughing. "Finally, the little bugger's actually good for something."


Eberts continued to pick up various items, stuffing them inside a backpack. "We've got to act quickly, before the brainwashing becomes permanent. The only way I can see to free the others right now is to stop the transmissions that are controlling them."


"So what are you saying?"


Eberts turned around to look at Darien. "I'm saying we need to storm the Barney set. I can shut down the transmissions. But we'll probably need a distraction so I can get in." He gave Darien a meaningful look.


Darien sighed. "And of course, that would be me."


Eberts smiled. "Exactly." He pulled a very large gun out of his closet and handed it to Darien. "Here, you'll need this."


Darien took the gun tentatively. "What is this thing? A machine gun? Some sort of rifle?"


Eberts gave Darien an exasperated look. "It's a paintball gun."

**********

Eberts drove his car down the highway. Darien sat in the back seat and squirmed uncomfortably, fiddling with the shirt that Eberts had given him to wear. It was black, with a big anti-Barney symbol on the front. He was holding a black hat with the same symbol on it in one hand. "Aw, come on Eberts, do I have to wear this stuff?"


"You look fine."


"I look stupid!"


Eberts glanced back at Darien. "You're right, you do look stupid. Don't forget to put on the hat."


Darien groaned. "This is embarrassing..." Nevertheless, he put the hat on his head. "There, you happy?"


Eberts nodded. "Yes. We're almost there. Don't forget your paintball gun."


Darien shook his head. "This has got to be the absolute weirdest day of my life."

**********

Eberts parked his car in front of the Barney television studio and glanced back at Darien. "Now, you know what to do, right?"


Darien nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I cause a distraction while you turn off the broadcast, yadda yadda yadda. No problem, I've got it covered."


Eberts stepped out of the car. "Well, this is where we split up. Have fun." That said, Eberts straightened his tie and walked through the front door to the studio. Darien pulled the anti-Barney cap on his head, pulled the paintball gun out of the car, and walked around the side of the building toward the back entrance, a determined look on his face. If Eberts wanted a distraction, he'd get a distraction.


Finally Darien located a small stage entrance near the back of the building. He jiggled the handle; it was locked. A small grin spread across his face; now he could have a little fun. He pulled out his trusty lock-pick. It took him all of thirty seconds to get the door to swing open. However, he was dissatisfied with the thought of just walking into the studio. After all, Eberts needed a distraction; Darien wanted to give him his money's worth. So he closed the door, and then kicked it open with his foot. The door slammed hard against the wall, causing a resounding bang. Darien smiled. Now that was more like it.


Darien charged through the door, hollering at the top of his lungs. Within seconds, he found himself standing onstage, along with Barney the Dinosaur, Baby Bop, and a collection of sickeningly cute children. Darien paused for a moment, taking in the scene before him with surprise. Barney and Baby Bop were nowhere near as cute as they appeared to be on the television set. Barney was covered in warts; his teeth were yellowed and razor sharp. And Baby Bop didn't look like a baby at all; she looked more like somebody's grandmother.


Darien shook off his surprise and the vague feeling of queasiness that came from realizing he was on live TV, and pointed his paintball gun directly at Barney. "I've got a score to settle with you! You brainwashed my friends, and probably millions of other people, with your stupid songs and your... umm..." Darien frowned, trying to think of something else to say.


Barney didn't wait for Darien to finish his sentence. "What are you doing here?" He roared, his face turning an even deeper purple than it usually was.


"I'm here to expose you for the monster you really are!" Darien yelled, firing his paintball gun. A splatter of blue paint hit Barney in the chest.


Barney looked down at his chest, and then back up at Darien, an annoyed expression on his face. He pointed at Darien with one gnarled, two-fingered hand and hissed, "Get him!" Immediately Baby Bop and several of the unbelievably cute children that were gathered around her frowned and charged at Darien.
Darien paled a little. "Aw crap..."

**********

Claire, Hobbes, the Official, and little Charlie all stared at the television screen, completely absorbed in the Barney marathon. However, they all frowned as a figure, dressed in black and armed with some type of large gun, charged into view of the cameras. Hobbes squinted a little, trying to make out the figure. "That's Fawkes!" He cried suddenly, jumping out of his seat.


Claire also jumped up, looking more than a little alarmed. "He's ruining the show!"


"We've got to stop him!" The Official cried, standing to his feet, picking up young Charlie, and running out of the room. Claire charged after him. Hobbes followed last, shoving a clip into his gun as he ran.

**********

Darien ran frantically around the studio, dodging Baby Bop and the now not-so-cute-looking little kids. His paintball gun had run out of ammo several minutes ago, but before it had he'd managed to pelt Barney, Baby Bop, those annoying kids, as well as some of the camera crew, with paint. Now he was ripping cables off of the floor and tearing apart pieces of the set, singing over and over at the top of his lungs, "I hate you! You hate me! Let's get together and kill Barney! With a great big shot gun and a .44, no more purple dinosaur!"


He hoped Eberts could shut down that broadcast soon. He got the feeling that if someone managed to get their hands on him before then, he'd probably end up being shipped off to an insane asylum for the rest of his life.


Just then the stage door slammed open and Hobbes, Claire, and the Official ran onto the set. Darien skidded to a stop, first feeling a rush of relief, and then a rush of panic as he remembered that his friends were no longer able to be trusted. Darien whirled around. Baby Bop and the kids were charging for him. He looked back at the Official, Claire, and Hobbes, his eyes widening in panic. And then, before he could stop it, the quicksilver flowed out of his pores, and he vanished from sight.


Baby Bop and the army of kids skidded to a halt in confusion, but Hobbes had apparently been expecting this, as he immediately pulled out a pair of thermal-vision goggles and put them on. He pointed at where Darien was and yelled, "He's over there!" Everyone else seemed confused for a moment, but they followed Hobbes' directions on where Darien was. Within moments, Darien was being held to the ground with the combined forces of Hobbes, Baby Bop, and the Official, while the group of children laughed cruelly at Darien's predicament.


The quicksilver fell off of Darien's body. Darien struggled, but there was no breaking free from the iron grip of his captors. He looked frantically up at Hobbes, pleading, "Come on Hobbes, let me go! You don't know what you're doing!" Hobbes merely slapped a pair of handcuffs on Darien's wrists, ignoring his partner's comments.


Then Baby Bop dragged Darien to his feet. "What should I do with this one, boss?" She asked, wheezing a little as she spoke.


Barney leaned down, eying Darien hungrily. "Lock him in my trailer. I could use some dinner after the show."


Darien paled a little. "You're going to EAT me?" Barney just gave Darien an evil grin and licked his lips. Darien struggled frantically, begging Hobbes to help him at the top of his lungs as Baby Bop started to drag him out of the room. However, his pleas fell on deaf ears. He looked around the room, searching for a way to escape, but he could see none. Come on Eberts, he thought desperately, what's taking you so long?

**********

Eberts looked at the jungle of equipment in the broadcasting room, a completely bewildered. He was a computer genius, but this was like nothing he'd ever seen. And he had yet to find a way to cut the power to that broadcast. He'd tried cutting cables, hacking into the computer systems, everything he could think of. He was getting desperate enough to think of just smashing everything up with a hammer.


He moaned, putting a hand to his head. Darien was counting on him to stop the broadcast, but how could he if he couldn't even figure out how the system worked?

**********

Darien continued to struggle frantically as Baby Bop dragged him toward the exit. He brought his heel down sharply on her gigantic green foot. Baby Bop howled in pain and dropped Darien, hopping around and clutching her injured foot. Darien scrambled for the exit, trying to make a break for it, but Hobbes tackled him, throwing both of them to the ground.


Darien looked up at Hobbes, a panicked look on his face. "Hobbes, it's me, Fawkes! I'm your partner, remember? Remember? Bobby Hobbes never bails on his partner?" A flash of recognition passed across Hobbes' face for a moment, but then his eyes took on the same dull, lifeless look they had had before. Darien groaned. "Come on Hobbes, I really don't want to have to hurt you." Just then Darien noticed that Claire was walking over to Barney the Dinosaur, a shy smile on her face. "Claire, no!" Darien yelled, struggling to break free, or at least get a better view of what was going on.


Hobbes looked over at Claire just as she approached Barney's side and tapped his arm. "Barney, would you give me a kiss?" Claire asked. A slight frown began to cross Hobbes' face.


Barney smiled evilly. "Sure," he said, the corners of his mouth pulling back into an ugly smile. Claire closed her eyes and puckered up her lips. Darien looked frantically at Claire, and then back at Hobbes. Hobbes seemed to be very uncomfortable all of a sudden. He was breathing heavily, and it looked like he was fighting some sort of inner battle.


Darien looked up at Hobbes hopefully. "Come on Bobby, fight it. You can beat this, Hobbes. Fight!" Barney leaned down toward Claire, opening his mouth wide. It didn't look like he was going to kiss her; in fact, it looked more like he was going to bite her head off. Hobbes' face began to turn red with anger and he pulled himself to his feet, lunging at Barney and slamming into him so hard they were both knocked to the ground. Hobbes began repeatedly slamming Barney's head against the floor, yelling angrily and even getting a few kicks in for good measure.


Darien pulled himself to his feet, a big grin on his face. "Way to go, Hobbes!" However, none of Barney's minions seemed to think so. They all began gathering around Hobbes, grabbing him and dragging him off Barney. Hobbes' gun clattered to the floor, skidding over to Claire's feet. Darien started to run over to Hobbes, entertaining the vain notion that he could help somehow, even when handcuffed, when someone placed a clammy hand on his shoulder. He looked up and saw Baby Bop standing there, a menacing grin on her face.


Darien rolled his eyes. "So we're back to this again, huh?" He brought his heel down hard on the wrinkled dinosaur's uninjured foot. "Have some more." Baby Bop howled and fell to the ground, clutching her foot and moaning. Darien shook his head. He would have thought that an evil genius like Barney would at least be able to hire some decent help.


Darien took a deep breath and then quicksilvered his wrists. As soon as the handcuffs had frozen he snapped them apart, and then let the quicksilver cover the rest of his body. He ran over to Hobbes, who had at least nine children sitting on his chest in an attempt to pin him down to the ground. It wasn't working very well; Hobbes was not in a good mood. He kept almost getting free, but each time he tried another child sat on him right before he managed to do it.


"I'm a federal agent!" Hobbes roared, trying to reach for his badge. However, the two children clinging to his arm somewhat hampered his attempts. Meanwhile, Claire picked up Hobbes' gun, as well as his thermal goggles from where they had fallen on the ground. She began looking around for Darien, who was attempting to get some of the children off of Hobbes.


Darien looked up just as Claire spotted him and raised the gun, aiming it directly at his chest. He paled. "Aw, crap..."

**********

Eberts had smashed almost every piece of equipment in the control room, but still the broadcast had not shut off. He glanced around the room, his eyes wild. Suddenly he noticed a small control panel he hadn't seen before, since it had been hidden behind a maze of wires. He shook his head, laughing. "Of course! Why didn't I think of that in the first place?" He reached over and pushed the 'off' button.

**********

Claire stopped just before she pulled the trigger, a confused look on her face. Several of the nearby children shook their heads and looked around bewilderedly, as if just waking up from a dream. Claire pulled off the thermal-vision goggles and looked around at her surroundings. Then she realized she was holding a gun. She dropped it in surprise, letting out a small yelp.


Darien reappeared and finished pulling the very disoriented children off of Hobbes, helping him to his feet. Claire rushed over to help too, exclaiming worriedly, "Bobby, are you alright?"


Hobbes nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay." He leaned down and picked his gun up off of the ground and placed it in its holster. Then he walked over to Barney, a smug grin on his face. "Barney the Dinosaur, you are under arrest." He pulled out his spare set of handcuffs and started to slap them on Barney's wrists, but before he could finish Barney let out a loud roar and shoved Hobbes to the ground, trying to run for the exit. Hobbes drew his gun and fired it repeatedly. Barney fell to the ground, several fresh bullet holes in his back.


Claire walked slowly over to the carcass, which was oozing a black liquid out of the bullet holes that could conceivably be blood. She checked his body for a pulse, but stood up a moment later, shaking her head. "He's dead."


Darien snorted. "Who cares?" As if in response, Baby Bop let out a loud wail.

**********

That evening, Darien was taking a walk through his neighborhood. He needed time to clear his head. The whole Barney fiasco had seemed so surreal it was hard to believe it had really happened, that he hadn't stepped into one of those Saturday morning cartoons he used to watch when he was a kid.


Just then Darien saw something out of the corner of his eye in the window of a small local toy shop. He did a double take, unwilling to trust his eyes. Then he ran off screaming into the night, getting as far away from the small toy store window as he possibly could. Behind the glass, a small stuffed purple and green dinosaur stared off into the night, a mocking smile on its face.


The End?

On a final note, now that you've all read this, I'd like to leave you with a parting song...

To the tune of Joy to the World:

Joy to the World!
Barney's Dead!
We barbequed his head!
Don't worry about the body,
We flushed it down the potty...
It goes round and round and down!
It goes round and round and down!
It goes roooound, and round and round and down!