Title: Lost
Author: lj userjensucks
Rating: FRT for language and adult situations
Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own anyone…and if I did, they would probably take them away from me for abusing them so much :P
Spoilers: None
Content Warning: INCREDIBLY dark and disturbing. MAJOR bad language usage, drug themes and references, violence and character death.

The knife slide easily into my skin, I was almost surprised the first time I did it. Never thought it would go in that well, with barely any pain. I guess fate decided I had enough pain; there was no reason to give me any more. Which was god, it made the stunt that much more easier to do. I had a new band, a lot better then those posers I was hanging with before. Our music was more hardcore, a loud aggressive mix of emo rock and punk. The bassist Jimmy had come up with the idea for me to do stunts on the stage like the punkers of the past, and in my current state, I was more then happy to oblige.

"Good Night! Fuck you all!!" I shout as I throw the blade into the screaming audience and kick the mic stand over causing a loud round of feedback, which only made the crowd cheer harder. As I headed offstage, I wiped my palm across the top of my chest, smearing the blood, but barely even noticing it. As I continue out the back door and into the parking lot, a familiar voice rings out.

"You stupid wanker! What the hell are you doing?"

I stop dead in my tracks and scan the backstage area of the small club, my left hand playing with my gelled up spiky hair, but the face that went with the words wasn't there. Of course she wasn't, there was no way she could be. Not after what had happened…

"Ray, hold on to me." She had said weakly as I held her frail form in my eyes, glancing around the empty parking lot for any sign of the ambulance I had called what seemed like hours ago.

I shook heated tears from my eyes. "I will…I'll never let go I promise…please Neela, stay with me."

Her eyes drooped, I was loosing her and I knew it, knew she was slipping and there was nothing I could do.

"Ray…I…I love…you. I'm...sorry I never got…you never got…" she choked out, her voice barely above a whisper now.

"No, Neela hold on you've got to hold on…just a little longer…Neela…" I could feel her heart rate slowing "NEELA!"

"Who the fuck is Neela?" Johnny asks, standing in front of me now, snapping me out of my haunting memories. "What the hell is the hold-up Ray? We've got a party to go to remember? Drugs, babes and booze!"

I shook my head "I'm gonna have to pass tonight guys…just gonna head home and go to bed…"

Brandon, our drummer frowns at me. "Is this about that chick you usta work with that died again? Common Ray that was MONTHS ago move the fuck on."

I grab him quickly and slam him against a nearby wall, giving him the best punch to the face as I could before dropping him to the floor and giving him a kick for good measure.

"Stay the fuck out of my business!" I shout, kicking him again "You're not my fucking mother don't try and act like you are!" I spat at him, then turned and walked out, ignoring the harsh curses from both Brandon and Johnny, just getting into my car and peeling out of therewith aloud screech, music blasting over my stereo, flooding out the memories of her.

It had been exactly six months today that she had died in my arms. From a racial beating that never should have happened. Those fucking punks, just because I was walking next to her, they assumed we were mixed breeding…that I was helping repopulate the terrorists. But it wasn't me they had gone after. Sure, they had kicked the living shit out of me, held me down and made me watch everything they did to her. Her screams for help, for them to stop and leave her alone echoed in my mind every day. The music helped, the booze and the drugs…but it never lasted, no matter how much I did, her voice always came back.

I reached for an alcohol bottle sitting in my passengers seat, taking a big swing, not knowing or caring what type of liquor I was consuming. It didn't really matter, anything hard would do…for now. The ecstasy we had taken before the show was wearing off, along with the coke I had done solo before I left home, and coming down from that was never easy. My head was starting to throb, and my hands were shaking. The wound on my chest burned as if I was just cutting into the flesh. I pulled over into an abandoned lot and hopped out of the car, glancing around for any signs of cops or people before dashing into the building, and making my way up to the roof. I needed to sleep this off, and I usually did my best sleep out in the open, on the roof of my apartment, this would be an easy substitute.

I kicked the door to the roof open with my foot, digging into my pockets for something, anything to take the edge off, and finding myself with nothing. "FUCKING JOHNNY!" I curse into the night. Asshole had probably taken whatever I had out of my coat. Fucker never bought his own shit, was always takin from everyone else.

"Honestly Ray your so paranoid!" her voice rang out as if she were right there on the roof with me. "No one is going to jump out at us if we walk through this parking lot. It's the fastest way to get back to where we can get a cab…"

"SHUT UP!" I screamed to the imaginary voice as the flash back played in my head "YOU'RE DEAD! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" I stumble and fall to my knees, tears flowing in my eyes now as the images of her brutal beating flash into my head once more. The taunts and jeers of our attackers…it was all too much…and the reason why I had fallen into the world of drugs and alcohol like I had.

I look up at the sky, tears streaming down my cheeks now. "NEELA I'M SORRY!" I shout at the sky "I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU SOONER! I SHOULD HAVE…." I break down, putting my head in my hands and practically lying on the dirty roof. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't live without her…

I rise to my feet, glancing up at the sky again, wiping the tears from my eyes, and the blood from my still naked chest as I shrugged my jacket off.

"I'm coming to you sweetie…" I whisper to the dark cloudless sky "I'll be there soon."

I walk back to the door I had kicked open, leaning against the cool metal for a minute before turning back around and running at full speed towards the ledge, the twelve story drop to the ground. And as I fall, other memories flash into my brain, happy memories of Neela and I back in the ER, in our apartment…working on patients together, falling asleep on the couch watching celebrity poker…

I don't feel it as I make contact with the ground, but I know as I do, I have a smile on my face for the first time in six long months.

I was finally going to get to be with the woman I loved.