Have you ever had your life going exactly the way you wanted it to? I have, but I learned that life doesn't like going perfect so it sends you something to "shake things up", as my dad would say. It was the week after we won Sectionals and the guy I liked, Finn, was single, after learning his girlfriend was pregnant with his best friend's baby, and actually paying closer attention to me. We hung out whenever we could and texted when we couldn't. I could tell he wanted to ask me out, but was waiting till some of the drama with Quinn died down and I respected that.
It seemed perfect until Mr. Shue asked me to go check out our competition for Regional's, Vocal Adrenaline, while they practiced. I didn't think anything of it because I'd seen Vocal Adrenaline perform a few months earlier with Mr. Shue, Artie, Tina, Finn, Mercedes and Kurt, but Mr. Shue said they got a new singer and that he wanted me to see how talented he was.
Walking into the auditorium I heard his voice before I saw his face and it was like no voice I'd ever heard before; it sounded like a voice you'd hear on Broadway and I wondered if he'd ever gone. I watched him perform and felt captivated by the power he possessed. Besides having a powerful voice his eyes, as they scanned the empty room and found mine, bore a hole that went in though my body and into my soul. I listened and watched him perform three songs before I realized he had been looking directly at me the whole time. I watched the director tell them to take a break and got up to walk back to my car.
"Hey." I heard behind me and turned around to face the guy with the angelic voice and piercing eyes.
"I was just leaving." I mumbled and started to turn back to the door.
"Do you go here?" he asked and I shook my head.
"I go to McKinley." He smiled and I could swear my legs turned to jelly.
"Oh, so you came to check out the competition?"
"Yeah." I replied feeling myself blush.
"Hmm, maybe I should do the same." He looked me up and down before meeting my eyes again. "I'm Jesse St. James."
"Rachel Berry." I said finding myself not being able to hold in my smile.
"Well, I'll have to come hear you sing, Rachel."
"You should." I answered quickly before adding, "Just to be fair." He smirked and I noticed he had blue eyes and a set of dimples that made my stomach jump.
"Jesse!" we heard and he looked toward the stage where a dark haired woman who looked strangely familiar stood with her hands on her hips.
"I gotta go, but I'll stop by McKinley sometime." He said turning and walking away.
"Ok, bye." I walked out to my car and drove home in a daze and that night right before I fell asleep I could hear his voice singing me to sleep. The next morning I woke up to a text from Finn.
"Do you need a ride to school?"
I smiled at his thoughtfulness and replied, "That'd be great. Thank you." The whole time I was with Finn I didn't think about Jesse, but the moment I had a second alone I found myself humming to his voice. I started to feel guilty when the drives to and from school became a daily occurrence and on that following Friday Finn asked me out. I pushed away my guilt and happily agreed. We had a fun date of dinner and a movie the next day that ended with a kiss.
"I really like you, Rachel." He said when we pulled away.
"I really like you too Finn." I said with my forehead pressed against his. He left promising to call the next day and even though I still felt the tingle the kiss had left when I collapsed into bed that night the last thought before letting myself slip into the subconscious I had was of Jesse.
I tried really hard not to think about Jesse, but failed when my mind wasn't occupied with something else and I'd find myself getting butterfly's from thinking about his smile and wondering when I'd see him again. Another week went by and I started to wonder if he would ever stop by the school like he said. When I wasn't thinking about Jess I was with Finn and we became closer. Without the obstacle of Quinn he started to hold my hand as we walked through the halls and kisses became more frequent. I loved being with him, but felt very guilty when I'd revere back to the thoughts of the Vocal Adrenaline lead. In hopes to relieve my guilt I talked to Finn the following Wednesday before Glee practice.
"You know when I went to spy on Vocal Adrenaline for Mr. Shue?" I started and Finn nodded nervously. "They saw me and their male lead and I talked." I paused trying to think what to say next.
"And you like him." He said filling in the blanks.
"I don't know. I can't stop thinking about him unless I'm with you." I looked into his eyes and felt more guilty than I'd ever felt. "I do really like you Finn and it's not like anything's gonna happen with him. I just wanted to be honest with you." He was silent for a few minutes and I started to get really nervous.
"Finn?" I asked and his eyes met mine.
"Thank you for telling me. I still want to be around you, but if this guy asks you out it's okay to say yes. We'll go slow and won't be official until you make the choice. How's that sound?" Even though his voice sounded happy I could tell from his eyes that he wasn't and it only made me feel worse, but I didn't know what else to do so I leaned forward on my tiptoes and placed a kiss on his cheek.
"Thank you, Finn." He looked up and his eyes seemed to sparkle now.
"I need us to go slow. After having Quinn break my heart I can't get too attached to you or anyone." I smiled fully feeling my guilt dissipate.
"Good. Let's go to Glee." He nodded and we walked out of the classroom with smiles on our faces. When we got to Glee I immediately noticed a pair of eyes on mine and my smile dropped with my stomach. I felt my whole body tingle with nervousness as I left Finn's side and walked to Mr. Shue.
"He saw me and said it was only fair for him to see us and I agreed." I explained and he just nodded.
"That's fine, Rachel. We'll perform for him." I walked back to Finn feeling Jesse's eyes on me, but not meeting them. Mr. Shue moved us to the auditorium after explaining what our guest was doing here. As I sang with Finn I felt the great desire to look at Jesse, but kept my eyes on Finn. I felt his eyes on mine and felt nervous of my voice for the first time since I was a little girl. After four songs Mr. Shue said to take a break and I met Jesse's waiting eyes. He stood as I walked to him.
"What'd you think?" I asked masking my need of his approval. He smiled a smile that hit his eyes and I relaxed.
"Your voice is great, but I think you need a new male lead." He said nodding his head in the direction of Finn who was standing next to Brittany and Santana watching us.
"Who'd you have in mind?" I asked trying not to think about the jealousy in Finn's eyes.
"Come out with me tomorrow night and we'll see if I can't show you how a stronger male lead would make a more powerful performance." I smiled feeling the butterfly's fly in synch with the rapid beating of my heart.
"Sure."
"Cool. I'll meet you here tomorrow at five?" he asked and I nodded. "Bye, Rachel."
"Bye, Jesse." I waved and watched him walk out the door before turning around and almost running into Kurt and Mercedes.
"What was that about?" he asked and I looked at him annoyed. "Your death glare doesn't work on me and we both know it." I sighed knowing I had to tell him.
"He asked me to do a duet with him and I said yes." I took a step and Kurt stepped with me.
"He asked you out?"
"That's what I said. What's the problem?"
"He's the competition; you can't date the competition." Mercedes filled in.
"And what about Finn?" Kurt added quietly.
"Finn and I talked. We agreed to take it slow and I think he likes me and most guys don't so I'm gonna take advantage of it." They nodded and silently let me pass toward the stage. I sang with Finn again, but this time I couldn't stop myself from imagining what it would be like if it was Jesse's voice blending with my own. After Glee I started to head home, but Finn's voice stopped me.
"So, he asked you out?" I looked around and saw we were the only one's left in the room.
"Yeah and I said yes. That was okay right?" I asked wanting to make sure.
"Yeah, I told you that didn't I?" his voice seemed to drift off and it made me feel guilty again.
"What do you really want Finn?" I asked looking at him intently.
He looked at the ground and stayed silent for a while before looking into my eyes and saying, "I want to go back to before Sectionals where you and I would sing and I would feel something between us." I looked at the ground.
"You want to go back to when I hadn't told you about Quinn?"
"No!" he said quickly and I looked up. "I'm glad you told me. I don't want Quinn; I want you and I want to go back to when you wanted me too." He explained
"I still want you. I just want Jesse too." I said sheepishly.
"Who do you want more?" he asked quietly and shook my head.
"I don't know. I'm sorry." He walked up and kissed me on the cheek.
"I'll be here when you decide. Whatever choice you make." He walked out and I was left standing in an empty auditorium feeling my life spinning out of control around me. I walked home and did my homework, but couldn't get Finn out of my head. His words and hurt face played through my head like a movie I couldn't look away from. I fell into a restless sleep at about one thirty in the morning and woke up at four from a dream about Finn and Jesse standing in front of me telling me to decide. I texted Finn the second I knew he was awake and asked if he could drive me to school so that we could talk. He agreed and my nerves went into overdrive until he arrived half an hour later. He had a smile on his face and I found myself smiling until I remembered the night before.
"I haven't decided." His smile didn't falter and he looked at me.
"Rach, you're okay I've been thinking and I'm jealous, but I'm not gonna be controlling. You can do what you want. If you want me then great, but if you want Jesse then that's fine, I just want you to be happy and I want to be friends even if it doesn't work out between us." I took in his words and looked deeply into his eyes to see he was being honest, but it didn't completely reassure me.
"Ok, well thank you Finn." I said quietly.
"Rachel, I'm being honest." He said in the same tone as me.
"I know, but I don't know what to do." He looked at me sadly.
"Don't worry. Go on your date with him today and listen to your heart." I looked at him surprised.
"Do you still like me?" He looked at me confused.
"Of course I still like you. I'm just backing off and letting you decide without trying to make you feel guilty." He gave me the sweetest smile and I could feel my body melt under it.
"Thank you for being a good guy, Finn."
"Anytime, Rachel." He said just as we pulled into the school. We walked in and headed to our lockers while talking about the horrible football practice he had had the night before and separated when the bell rang and we went to our different homerooms. We didn't see each other again until lunch and I spent the time in class alternating daydreams between Finn and Jesse and found myself excited for lunch and the end of school and Glee. Lunch came slower than I wanted it to, but eventually I walked into the lunchroom and found Finn sitting at a table with Kurt, Mercedes, Matt, Mike and Puck. I got warm smiles from Finn, Mike and Matt, but barely got glances from the remaining people. I sat next to Finn and ate while silently listening to the conversations around me. Lunch ended and I only had Spanish left so I walked with Finn and sat down in class with him. Besides the death glares I got from Quinn behind me Spanish was a good class and soon I was in Glee looking at the new music Mr. Shue wanted us to learn. I sang with Finn, but had Jesse on my mind. Every so often I would check the clock and hoped for it to change faster and be five o'clock, but it never went faster than it normally would have. Glee ended at three thirty and I debated going home then coming back at five, but decided against it knowing I wouldn't do anything at home I couldn't do at school. I watched everyone leave and walked to the auditorium. I stopped outside the doors and placed my ear buds in my ears and pulled out my iPod playing with it as I walked into the large room.
"Do you live here or something, Berry?" I heard a venomous voice ask me from my right. I looked up and saw Quinn sitting in the center of a row of seats.
"No." I said simply not giving Quinn any ammo she could use. I continued walking, but she stopped me.
"Rachel, wait." I turned around shocked having never heard Quinn use my real first name before.
"Will you promise me something?" she asked sounding the most vulnerable I've ever heard her.
"That depends on what it is." I said calmly even though I felt completely alert for any sign of Santana or Brittany.
"Will you take care of Finn for me? He needs a good girl and I can't do that anymore." I could hear her voice crack and started to relax.
"I'll try, Quinn, but I might not be a good girl for him either." I said honestly and Quinn's eyes shot up to mine.
"Because of the guy from Vocal Adrenaline?"
I looked at her surprised as I answered, "Yeah." I felt like I had fallen into the Twilight Zone as I found Quinn looking at me with a certain glint in her eye that I couldn't label.
"You're lucky, you know that?" she said finally after what felt like an eternity of silence.
"Why? Because I have two guys who want me?" I asked quietly not meeting her eyes.
"Because you get to choose. I'm telling you from experience don't be an idiot, think about your choice wisely as I'm assuming you would have done even if I hadn't told you to." She laughed and I smiled.
"Yeah." We were silent again and neither of us moved. "Why are you telling me this?" I blurted without realizing it.
"I guess it's 'cause I'm jealous of you sometimes. The way Finn looks at you. You know he's never looked at me like that? Even before the Drizzle drama" I took in her words and before I could answer she added, "and if you tell anyone I said that I will make your life more miserable than it already is."
"I won't tell." I said smiling.
"Good." She nodded and turned to walk out. I watched her leave before turning and walking up onto the stage. I looked around before pressing play on my IPod. I sat on center stage and listened to a few random Broadway songs before "No Air" played which reminded me of Finn and every song after that reminded me of him so after the fourth song I turned it off and laid back listening to the silence of a school abandoned. I hadn't been laying long before I heard a door open. I looked up and saw Jesse walking toward the stage dressed in jeans and a loose t-shirt. I stood up and he smiled as he walked toward me.
"You ready to sing?" he asked when he was standing in front of me.
"Yeah, what do you want to sing?" he looked at me thoughtfully.
"I have some song ideas, but I want to hear yours first."
"Ok, well we could sing "No Air" like Finn and I sing."
He shook his head and said, "I'm not a big fan of pop songs. Broadway would better."
"Ok, well how about something from Wicked?" he smiled.
"As Long As You're Mine?" I nodded with a smile matching his. "I like that song. Do you?" I looked at him surprised.
"Wicked is my favorite musical. I know and love all of the songs."
He pulled a CD out of his bag and asked, "You have a CD player around here?" I walked toward the back and plugged in the CD player someone had brought from the choir room and had forgotten to move.
"Did you just know I'd agree to Wicked?"
"Kind of hoping." He said smiling sheepishly and it took me a second to remember to breathe. The music started and I felt my eyes fall onto the empty seats as I sang as if I was on Broadway:
Rachel: Kiss me too fiercely
Hold me to tight
I need help believing
You're with me tonight
My wildest dreamings
Could not foresee
Lying beside you
With you wanting me!
And just for this moment
As long as you're mine.
I've lost all resistance
And crossed the border line
And if it turns out
It's over too fast.
I'll make every last moment last
As long as you're mine.
Jesse: Maybe I'm brainless
Maybe I'm wise
But you've got me seeing
through different eyes
Somehow I've fallen under your spell
And somehow I'm feeling
It's up that I fell.
My eyes fell on Jesse as his beautiful voice filled my ears. I could feel my whole body melt with each note that he hit.
Both: Ever'y moment as long as mine
I'll wake up my body
And make up for lost time
say there's no future
for us as a pair
and though I may know
I don't care!
Just for this moment
As long as your mine
Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine
Borrow the moonlight
Until it is through
And know I'll be here
Holding you-oo
as long as you're mine!
Our eyes hit as we started to sing together and we started to step forward till we finished the song. It felt so natural singing with him I didn't realize I'd forgotten my desire to impress him and got lost in the meaning of the song.
"What is it?" he asked me and I didn't know whether he was quoting still or if he was seriously asking me. Instead of responding I let my inhibitions take over and placed my hand on his neck to pull his lips toward mine. The second his lips touched mine I felt an electricity travel from our lips to my whole body and when we pulled apart I was breathless.
"Ok, that was . . . wow." He said looking deeply into my eyes.
"Yeah." I replied feeling like I was floating. Jesse pulled me in for another kiss that I happily returned.
When air became a problem we pulled away again and resting his forehead against mine he said, "Do you want to get dinner with me?"
"Yeah, sure." I said trying not to sound too eager, but knew I'd failed by the soft chuckle that escaped his lips. We left and he drove us to a fast food restaurant where we sat and talked until my parents called and said I needed to be home. Jesse drove me home and with a final kiss I regretfully got out of his car. That night I dreamt of Jesse and only Jesse and the next morning I woke to a text from him saying that he had a great night the night before and that he would be thinking of me all day. I walked around with a smile on my face all day and had the duet Jesse and I did stuck in my head.
"I'm assuming by the smile on your face that the date went well last night?" I heard Kurt's voice say behind me as I grabbed the books out of my locker that I needed before I went to Glee then home.
I don't turn around as I retorted, "Yes, it did and before you say it, that doesn't mean I've forgotten about Finn." It was a partial lie, but Kurt didn't need to know that.
"You better not forget about him." Kurt said threateningly and I meet his eyes with the only thing I can think to say to get him away,
"Doesn't me being with Jesse take me out of the running for Finn so you can have him?" he smiles.
"You're right. Bye Rachel." He skips away toward Glee. I chuckled as I finished getting my stuff and started to head to Glee when I got a text from Jesse.
"Want to meet me after rehearsal?"
"Sure.." I send back and walk into the choir room not realizing Mr. Shuester had started talking.
"Sorry, Mr. Shue." I said not taking my eyes off of him.
"It's okay; just sit down." I did as he said and took the only empty seat next to Puck. I ignored my phone until Mr. Shuester had finished speaking and saw a message from Jesse simply saying, "Same time, same place?"
I smiled and walked towards the auditorium as I responded, "Sounds good." I didn't get a response and assumed he couldn't get to his phone. I walked on stage and thought about everything that had happened in the past month. I never thought Quinn and Finn would break up, I had always hoped, but never believed it could actually happen because of the baby, but when they did after the true father of the baby was revealed I thought my life would be perfect and Finn would finally be with me, but then I met Jesse and he likes me too. The problem I have is that I like both of them equally. Finn's the sweetest guy I've ever met and Jesse is my musical equal. Both had smiles that made me weak in the knees and both were easy to talk to. I didn't know Jesse that well, but I could see myself falling for him. While lost in my thoughts I didn't hear the door open or the footsteps leading up to the stage.
"What are you thinking about?" a voice asked making me jump. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you." I look at Brittany trying to calm down my heart.
"It's okay. I just didn't expect anyone else to be here yet." I said sitting on the edge of the stage.
"Who are you waiting for?" the bubbly blonde asked me sweetly as she took a seat on the stage next to me.
"A guy from another school." I vaguely responded hoping she wouldn't pressure me, but I forget this is Brittany and in childlike manner doesn't know when to leave a subject alone.
"The guy who was here yesterday?" I looked at her surprised, "What? I'm perceptive." She said and I shrugged before responding,
"Yes, the guy from yesterday."
"He was cute. Are you guys dating?" I debated not answering until I looked around and after seeing no sign of anyone else met Brittany's innocent eyes.
"No, at least not officially." I said looking down to my lap.
"What's stopping you?" I looked at Brittany again and saw she was staring out at the rows of seats.
"Finn." My throat closed a little as I say his name. I didn't mean to tell Brittany that and I instantly regreted it until the Cheerios eyes met mine with a look of pure understanding. Another moment of vulnerability hit me and I whispered, "I don't know what to do." Brittany was silent for a full five minutes, not that I was counting, before she said anything.
"Close your eyes." I looked at her stern face before doing what she said.
"Ok, now what?"
"Completely clear your head." She whispered and I could feel annoyance creeping in.
"Ok." I took a few deeps breaths before my mind was cleared.
"Now that your head is cleared picture yourself in New York on Broadway."
"Ok." I smiled feeling relaxed.
"Now open your eyes and tell me who you see in the audience." I did as I was told and saw only one face staring back at me.
Once I knew my answer I turned to Brittany and said, "Thank you. That helped."
"Good." She stood up. "Well, I'll see you on Monday." I smiled as the blonde walked out. I stood up and started to pace waiting for Jesse to arrive. I thankfully didn't have to pace for long before the door opened again and Jesse walked in and met me on the stage. He leaned in to kiss me, but I stopped him.
"No. We need to talk." He looked at me confused.
"Ok, what about?" he said stepping back.
"I can't see you anymore." He looked even more confused and I felt guilty until I looked out and could still see Finn sitting in the seat.
"Why?" Jesse asked quietly.
"I'm in love with someone else." I said just as quietly. He nodded and looked down at the ground.
"Ok, well I guess this is goodbye. I wish you luck with this guy." His voice sounded so dejected that I felt my heart clench, but before I could find anything to say I watch Jesse St. James walk out of the auditorium and my life. I took a moment to compose myself before I took out my phone and called Finn. He answered after only two rings and I felt my whole body relax at the sound of his voice.
"Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?" I asked directly to the point.
"What about that guy?" he asked sounding defensive and it made my heart hurt.
"I want to talk to about that and us." I begged and the silence following maked me nervous.
"How about I meet you at the restaurant we were at last week?" I smiled.
"Sounds great. See you soon Finn."
"Ok, bye." I quickly hurried out of the school and stopped by my house to change my clothes before heading toward the place Finn and I had our first official date. I walked in and searched for Finn, finding him easily given his height.
"Hey." I said behind him. He jumped a little and turned around.
"Hey." He sounded nervous and I wondered what he was thinking.
"Let's sit." I suggested and we find a table. I studied him for a moment and see he's wringing his hands in his lap and looking around at anything but me.
"I choose you." I said simply knowing Finn wouldn't like a long speech. His eyes met mine and a hopeful smile formed on his lips.
"Really?" I laughed at his pure adorableness.
"Yes. I told Jesse I couldn't see him anymore." He smiled wider and stared at me for a few seconds making me suddenly nervous. Before I could say anything he leaned forward and placed his lips softly on mine. I returned his kiss eagerly and when we pulled apart Finn grabbed my hand and interlaces our fingers. Warmth filled my whole body and I couldn't stop smiling. I knew in that moment with our hands together and his eyes locked on mine I had made the right decision and that my life would finally be the way I wanted it to be. Well, at least until life decided to send us a curve ball again.