Gingerbread House
(Go to the point where it ends to the point where it starts; are you confused yet?)
-At one point, Sakuno stops visiting her favourite cake shop. SakunoOC.-
Sakuno knew he was too good for her, in every possible manner. He was tall, good looking, had kind eyes, treated her right, and was one of the most talented people she had ever met. But of course, those were all just things you could see at face value, and Sakuno had always believed that it wasn't fair just to judge a person like that.
Perhaps she was too nice, or perhaps it was just the way the situation presented itself.
Sakuno hated high school. She had friends but they were never as good to her as Tomoka – even though the other girl was loud and always shouting, Sakuno could tell they were true friends. Tomoka would invite her over in a heartbeat if she wanted company, and she would always hear her out and try and help her, in her own way. (Even if it resulted in a worse situation than it was previously.)
That kind of attention disappeared after the first year of high school. Tomoka's father was to be relocated all the way to Kyoto. Sakuno found herself alone. More alone than she'd ever felt before, and she was not used to having silence beside her. Few barely bothered making a crack on her shell, but people bothered, at least. Sakuno held onto them like toys you kept even though you've grown out of playing with them; surely it would be fair to give them away to a less fortunate child.
But aren't you that less fortunate child? She thought in conclusion.
Which was why she held onto them. She still does.
Thinking over and over again, Sakuno always came to the same conclusion – that she was waiting for someone to come along. To come along and drag her to their level and pull her along for the rest of her life. She was waiting for someone to try and understand her – to try and complete her. Fill the void that had been eating away at her.
So when she met him, she thought that the Gods had answered her prayers.
On a cloudless Sunday afternoon, Sakuno held a thick novel in her hand, sitting comfortably in her favourite cake shop. The handle was always cold, not cool; the rusted bell's ring clung onto her air and Shouko-san would always be watching a drama or listening to the low volume of music that played around the shop. Apparently, the faceless owner of the place hated silence; and Sakuno had to agree. She had been longing to hear noise for quite a while now, anyway.
Sakuno sat in the left corner of the shop that was hidden from the crowd. It was her escape exit to anything that bothered her. Sitting with always the green tea & mocha cake and the smooth latte, Sakuno sunk further and further into comfortable nothingness. Sakuno's had the time to think it through, even though she was going into territories that weren't suited to her age – about death. She'd be delighted to die this way, she thought, in relative comfort.
The bell rung again and she looked up, fascinated at how the boy that just entered the shop was so tall, with eyes so warm and skin so flawless. Sakuno was scared to even look at him, but at the same time, she could not help herself. From her little corner, she watched as his crisp voice ordered a lemon cheesecake and a dark chocolate mocha. When he lifted his tray, Sakuno freaked and quickly pretended to be absorbed into her book.
"Ah," he said, his voice catching her attention. "That's my favourite book! I just finished that yesterday! What a coincidence, eh?"
Sakuno's lip quivered in nervousness. "Ah... um... yeah, I guess."
"Could I sit with you? I have never met anyone who had read that book before!" He told her with a smile.
Was he even real?
He told her to call him Hiroki. That was the only thing she knew about him, that cake shop boy. It was difficult to tell if he was genuine or not, with his movie star smile and his singer-like voice. Why would he bother with a girl like her anyway? Surely there were plenty of other pretty girls out there who roamed the streets of Tokyo who would take him if he bothered to flirt with them.
Sakuno always held a book in front of her as a form of shield, if you like. The pages of a book were a familiar domain to her, holding a fantasy world crafted by words. Sometimes, if she thought it through, there was subtle annoyance in her mind. She disliked people disrupting her haven, where she could be content in just being herself. In the outside world, in the real world, she hated being herself, even though the metal rods outside her box kept her in.
She thought she had already given up, given in.
She knew she both hated and loved Hiroki-kun. It was a feeling she had read over and over again in her collection of books; how the main character hates a person for being so perfect, yet loves the person for being theirs.
Nothing is hers, Sakuno knew as much. But she definitely understood that feeling back then with all her heart. Hiroki-kun could speak without stuttering, was beyond talented at something, good looking, and cheerful. He pulled people to his speed.
Maybe she was waiting for someone like him to take her away from that place.
Sakuno was deadly sure there was no-one, nothing, left for her to go back to. She longed for the days of the past; where she spent time with Tomoka and Horio, Ryoma-kun and the rest of her senpai, who loved their sport with all their heart. Sakuno had always wondered if she'd be able to love like that, without any limits or hesitation.
Impossible, right?
Instead, she was still the girl who visited the cake shop that was a ten minute walk from her apartment block in which her family lived. She was still the girl who clung onto meaningless dreams that would never come true. She was still the girl who read books about people from miles away, who held different morals and different lives;
(And that were nothing like her miserable self.)
She still goes shopping with her friends. She still eats crepes and ice-cream and goes for coffees in coffee shops; she still goes to the beach and she still feels the wind brushing past her face.
But she always questions herself. Is it enough? Is it not enough?
"Sakuno-chan, could I go out with you?"
Back then, Sakuno did not realise the trouble she was going to go through.
"Um, yes."
Both of them had had enough of her questioning. And although Sakuno was still an insecure and doubtful person, Sakuno could not let the chance of a person accepting for go away. She had been longing for this moment. She had been dreaming for this moment.
Sakuno cut her hair short and her twenty year old cousin taught her how to put on make-up. Sakuno hated the feeling of making one sided effort, and she so wanted this. She was not the type to expect things delivered to her on a plate; she was not Atobe-san of Hyotei. You could say it was a way to calm her nerves – after all, Hiroki-kun was one of the year group's most popular people (she didn't even notice).
She tried to avoid too much attention on their relationship, worried of the scenarios offered by dramas and shoujo manga, and focused on the little things. Sakuno would watch him from afar at basketball practice, and their eyes would meet every once in a while, him flashing her a small smile. Her own heart would flutter with the sweetness of the gesture. I could fall in love with that, she would have thought, her eyes dreamily looking into the distance. She'd never tell him though, she wouldn't have the courage.
They laughed on the roof when they had lunch together; it was often a small affair, but Sakuno loved it. Hiroki-kun smiled all the time, and they shared food when they both wanted something from each other. Sakuno would feel the breeze brush her cheeks fondly and Hiroki would smile and say "Your hair looks so pretty in the wind like that, I'm so glad you've cut your hair."
And Sakuno would smile, never regretting a second of her choices. He's worth it, she thought. Attractive, smart, talented, and kind, Sakuno doubted her luck. Did he come alive from a shoujo manga? Probably.
Sakuno was happy, but she worried when those days of simple happiness would run out. The sands of time never stopped, and happiness, was all just a fleeting memory.
Sakuno cries every time she thinks back. Over time, her memories are as fuzzy as his were.
In summer, they went to the beach and Hiroki-kun kissed her gently on the lips while fireworks exploded in the above space. She looked at the sky; and spared a passing thought for the galaxies and stars above.
In autumn, Hiroki-kun held her as she cries; tears of happiness or regret, she didn't know which, when the girls tennis team won the national championships. (She had quit after Tomoka left for Kyoto.)
In winter, she walked through the Tokyo snow with him, hand brushing hand, and it was the start. Her doors opened, loosened by the winter chill, and he just smiled like he had been waiting for that moment.
When she thought back, yes, she probably loved him.
"Why did you choose me? It couldn't have been because of the book, I know, Hiroki-kun."
Hiroki understood the flawlessness of a beautiful lie.
"You looked lonely. Out of it. But really, I was charmed by you."
"What do you mean?"
"Your expression – it's very deep. You were like cheese that was freshly made mature. Like, you've just happened to figure yourself out around the time I met you."
"Hey."
"Yes?"
"Do you believe in fate?"
Sakuno looked at her shoes. She squeezed her kneecaps.
"I suppose, I do."
After a month of dating, Sakuno finally found the courage to tell Tomoka about it. Hiroki-kun was a nice person, she told herself again and again. No, she wasn't hurt. Her wounds were about to be filled and wrapped up with white bandages to heal. Yes, that was it.
No, she wasn't feeling insecure.
"That's good for you, Sakuno! Getting a boyfriend... I thought you'd wait for Ryoma-sama, hahaha!"
"Uh, no, I don't think it was such a good idea to wait for him, Tomoka-chan."
"But man, I'm jealous! I've not had a boyfriend yet, and there you are, going off with a basketball player! How frustrating!"
"Haha." Sakuno laughed a little nervously. She didn't want Tomoka to resent her for entering a relationship.
"But be careful, Sakuno. Even if you try and keep everything under wraps, someone might find out and do really horrible, bitchy stuff to you. You know, like in manga? It's terrible. One girl at my school jumped off the roof because a group of popular girls were bullying her.. I didn't know her, but I feel terrible about it! It's really scary you know, how these things happen!"
Sakuno nodded at the phone, forgetting that she was on the phone, and she wasn't face to face with Tomoka.
"Tomoka."
"Yes, Sakuno?"
"Can I come and visit you next week?" Sakuno pleaded. She hadn't realised how much she actually missed the other girl. Maybe... she was opening up. Changing for the better.
Sakuno thought the situation would be far more dramatic than how it was played out in real life.
There he was, Hiroki-kun, standing with another girl on his arm. She wore fake eyelashes, caked make-up, had her hair curled and dyed, and had a perfect figure.
Yeah, she could guess what would happen next.
"Sakuno, I'm breaking up with you."
"For her?" She spoke in a low, deep tone. Hiroki's gaze did not weaver.
"Yeah." Hiroki said no more, creating a silence between them. Sakuno made a small smile at that, while large droplets of tears rolled down her cheeks.
"It's okay then. Goodbye."
"Goodbye."
Sakuno looks back with a fond smile, not full of hate and regret. Bitterness is already dull, and she's felt what needed to be felt years ago.
When she looks back, she realises a few things: she never learnt Hiroki's full name. She never knew his favourite food, but he knew hers. She never knew, or met any of his family, but he knew everything about her.
Did he love her?
Did she love him?
I was still a coward, I'm still a coward,and it's clear to her how true the statement was. She could have tried to make clear of the situation instead of walking away; she could have known him and comforted him instead of wrapping him all around her wounds.
She still has a picture of them posing, with her offering a small smile and him, a peace sign. The colours don't fade, and there aren't any scratches on anyone's face. If she's honest, she'd rather forget about the whole experience rather than keep it close to her, but it's her way of achieving redemption. She owes him. Her whole life, maybe, because it was him, in the end, that pushed her in the direction of the wind.
I want to drown in your sweetness.
-owari-
It is a cloudless Sunday. Hiroki enters the cake shop and stares at the empty chair and imagines another person, flicking through the book his past sister wrote with a small smile plastered onto that person's face. Instead, he uses his teaspoon to swirl his cup of mocha.
"Where's your girlfriend, Hiroki-kun?" The waitress makes polite conversation. "You know, the pretty brunette with the curly hair?"
"She's not my girlfriend, Shouko-san." He says firmly. "Where's Sakuno, anyway?"
"She's not come in a long while now, yet you come every Sunday. It's strange, isn't it?" Shouko says, eyes drifting to the door, with one of her elbows resting on the counter.
The atmosphere is heavy. Hiroki almost chokes, but he doesn't. Instead, he calms his mind, allowing the numbness sink into him. His eyes greets the waves of the sea instead, welcoming the cool seaside breeze.
He licks his lips. They're dry and slightly rough.
Something is missing, he thinks. Something that he probably won't get back for the rest of his life.
A/N: Wah, I am actually quite unsatisfied with this lol. I do like it though, for some reason. It's quite rough and unpolished, and not developed in the manner how I would liked it to have developed. Um, yeah. I hope you all like it anyway. Merry Christmas!