Disclaimer: I don't own anything :(
Mood: Angsty
1. Us
There was a period of time when I was pretty sure I loved you. Now, I just don't know. I'm stuck in this place, in between me and you and us. But maybe it was just me all along, because to you, there is no us. There was never an 'us'.
2. Tenacity
I thought that maybe you would love me. That if I just tried hard enough. That if I just… if I just stuck around, one day, you would turn to me, look at me, and really see me. Just once, once would have been enough. Just to know that for that moment, you saw, and I was no longer invisible.
3. Fairytale
There are times when something you say makes me catch my breath in anxious euphoria. These are the times when I let myself run wild, wild over the fields of golden wheat and long grass until I fall from gleeful fatigue to breathe in the sweet country air. Closing my lids and stifling giggles, those were the times I could imagine you one day laying next to me, shaking your head at my silliness. It was never a possibility.
4. Forgotten
When I told you about my birthday two days before, hands clasped behind my back, fingers crossed that this time you might just remember, you nodded. Two days later, I fumbled for my phone every single time it moved even the slightest, expecting something to come, anything to come, from you. Nothing did. I cried myself to sleep that night, older, wiser, broken.
5. Phase
There are times when I want to get over you, you and your brooding, unhappy ways, you and your lackluster answers, you and your dark, dark, eyes, you and your emptiness. I delete you, stay away, stay to myself and sing sad songs just to get me by, get me through this. Get me through this phase.
6. Bloodstream
I swear to myself that after this, it would be as if you and me would have never met. Not even in the recesses of my imagination. You would just not be here at all, not here in this world, not here in my world. After this phase, I would be free, carve into the piece of my heart that contains you and your essence and throw it far, far away, into a place where I know I will never be able to reach again. And it works, for a while. I feel as if with every pump of my heart, a bit of you is washed away, as if I could really bring myself to be happy again. But it never works; you're always in my bloodstream.
7. End
I always end up starting a conversation, always end up talking to you, and always end up crying after because you never notice me gone. The conversation drags and your answers become painstakingly short, while my smileys, yellow circle blobs made of liquid lies, smile unwaveringly even though I am a different story although. The thread that connects me to you draws thin and you finally cut it off, cut me off. So here I am dangling, because now, I've forgotten how it feels like to be without you.
8. Paradoxes
I tell myself that I don't care, but only because I care too much.
9. Experience
I know that one day this will all end. You will find yourself taken by a girl and I will be here left to complete this onerous dance with myself. You must understand that I will drift because once, you were my life and now, you are nothing. But don't worry, because I will be fine. Because I will get through this, just like how I've always gotten through this.
10. Multiverse
Sometimes, I sit on the porch look at the sky and wonder if someday I will meet someone that would love me as fervently as I have loved you. If I would meet someone who would willingly take me into his arms and comfort me, love me, hold me. Because all you ever did was push me away and I think I've had enough bruises to last me a lifetime.
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