The following is an IOC original based on material belonging to Gainax
The Instrument of Creation presents:
Bleak Black Box
I mustn't run away, Shinji thought as he stared at the enormous, intimidating face of Evangelion Unit One.
A voice from somewhere deep inside asked, Why do you pilot the Eva?
Cold chills overcame Shinji as he recalled moments inside Unit One, face to face with disaster, devastation, and death. Painful memories were strong enough to make him cringe, but they were laced with the comfort of knowing that he didn't fight alone; Rei and Asuka were always there—if he could, he'd eliminate every adversary single-handedly, sparing them from the horrors of battle.
For them, Shinji silently replied. So they can be happy; unafraid—
You pilot the Eva because it makes you feel close to others.
Suddenly, in recollections, Shinji saw the faces of NERV personnel; they were smiling, happy to be alive—all because of him. Misato's laughter resounded throughout his mind: Sounds like happiness…
That's right, he responded to himself. I fight for others so that I can know happiness; the joy of being with them, laughing with them—of feeling wanted, needed, and loved. I pilot the Eva because without it, I have nothing…
Looking into the eyes of Unit One, he saw himself as a child with a duffel bag, watching his father leave. In the eyes of that giant monster, he saw loneliness, uncertainty, and despair.
I mustn't run away—I have to give people a reason to care about me; despite the pain, I have to fight for their friendship…
He could hear himself screaming beneath his internal thoughts; he could feel his body shaking, feel old wounds tingling beneath faded scars, and feel the sting of guilt—Toji and his sister…
You can't save everyone.
...Can I at least save myself? Can I be happy fighting, even if others are hurt in the process? Can I leave behind a reason to be missed if the worst should happen?
There is no if; inevitably, piloting Eva will someday lead to your death.
…Can I least be happy until then!?
…Do you even remember what happiness is?
Still shaking, Shinji lowered his head, closing his eyes. Someone…please help me…
Behind closed eyes, he saw visions of Asuka lying next to him, half asleep; visions of a woman, visions of a friend—her voice rang out like sunlight breaking through dark clouds, asking, Do you wanna' kiss me?
Misato's kitchen appeared next. Asuka's fingers were clamped onto his nose, and her lips were pressed against his. A kiss; a dazzling thunder storm on the golden horizons of paradise—like corpses resurrecting from the grave to sing songs of splendor.
Why do you pilot the Eva?
Shinji leaned over, putting his hands on his knees, and after a moment of breathing heavily, yelled, "Let me pilot it! Please…let me pilot Unit One…father."
Shinji was proudly standing straight by that point, looking high above Unit One's head at a golden glass window, behind which stood Gendo Ikari.
"Why are you here?" Gendo sternly asked.
Shinji clenched his hands into fists at his side. "I'm here, because…I'm the pilot of Evangelion Unit One; Shinji Ikari!"