Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling (we assume) is still thoroughly sane. And only someone destined for the 'Happy Home' would write such an idiotic fic. XD
Warning: Rated T for some language, sexual insinuation and severe guys-getting-kicked-around-by-angry-girls.
What's Your Sign?
Chapter 1: For the Good of Male-Kind.
Draco looked for another ice pack. Crabbe had been using the last one for at least an hour before it melted, but the swelling still hadn't gone down.
"How the hell did you manage to get her that pissed?" Draco tried to hide the annoyance in his voice.
"Well, I just tried to talk to her. I used a pick up line." Crabbe's words could barely be understood. His jaw was the size of a basketball, and that was the least of his worries. The high pitched tone was certainly unusual for the bulky boy.
"Which one was it this time? One day you're going to use one on the wrong person, and we'll be attending your funeral."
"Well, I said… My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." Crabbe didn't seem too perturbed by the comment.
Draco, on the other hand, was appalled. He promptly dropped the icepack he had just found, and started to gag. When his stomach stopped trying to reject dinner, he was hysterical.
"I'd beat the shit out of someone who used that on me, too. That's just disgusting!"
"B-but I thought it was perfect! It took me hours to think of it!" If the bruises covering him hadn't been witness to his stupidity, that comment certainly would clarify.
"My god, you poor, pitiful excuse for a Slytherin… you think that's clever?" Draco shook his head, disgusted by the lack of creativity. "If normal pick up lines don't work, why'd you think that would fare any better?"
"Well, I thought she was an easy case, so any line would work….I guess she was harder to impress than I thought." Crabbe scratched his head in obvious confusion.
Draco slowly sat down in a chair across from Crabbe. "Most pick up lines don't work on any girl, no matter how easy. In fact, I'm not sure they ever work. Some girls will even laugh in your face for trying. Or…" He glanced meaningfully at Crabbe. "Make you wish the devil himself had dealt with you."
"You couldn't do much better." Crabbe tried, key word tried, to send a sly look in Draco's direction. "You said so yourself, NO pick up line ever works."
Draco looked thoughtfully at the ceiling. "I didn't say that. I said I'm not sure if they do. I guess no one has ever bothered to find out if they even work or not."
"I wonder what would happen if someone did…"
"They would need a permanent room in St. Mungo's and a memory wipe spell to make sure they aren't traumatized from the ordeal."
"But he'd certainly be a hero."
Draco looked over at Crabbe, surprised. "I suppose he would be… after all, he'd accomplish what everyone believed impossible: compile a list of pick-up lines that actually work." Draco stood suddenly, taking a dramatic stance reminiscent of a Shakespearian play. "Being the only boy with enough charm to actually survive such an endeavor, I suppose it's my duty to help the male race." He grinned widely. "I'll do it. I'll try every line I can think of and see which ones work."
Draco spent the next few days interviewing different guys and compiling a list of pick-up lines, from the over-used cheesy to the somewhat clever.
He also prepared a special notebook. He drew a chart: space to contain the line and the reaction. As he looked over the list, he was afraid to use some of them, but he knew that he had to give the results to his friends. No backing out on this now, he'd told everyone of his selfless quest. Except the girls, of course.
This story is a joint effort between me and my friend, Sakura Neko-Chan 13. The idea came from a dinner conversation, she thought something sounded like 'one of those lame pick-up lines.' We started to share all of the lines we knew of, and we got the idea for this. We're warning you- some of these lines will be SO stupid and sad, you might end up in the hospital with a split side. We almost did.