YAMSEL AND YUGAL:
AUTHORS NOTE:
These stories are written with the full co-operation of the characters and involved no coercion, bribery, kidnapping or blackmailing. /cough cough/
Disclaimer: Wannabe WolfGirl and DeadFoxy do not own Yu-Gi-Oh! /sniffs/ or any of the beloved fairy tales which we will now unmercifully butcher. We also do not own: Gundam Seed, Sailor Moon, Black Cat, Mew Mew Power, Avatar, Spider Riders, Danny Phantom or Negima, much to our disappointment.
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Foxy: (Settles into director's chair in aisle of theatre with megaphone in hand. Waits for test audience to settle down.)Okay people, it's time for the show! WolfGirl, are all our actors ready?
WolfGirl: (Shouts from curtains of stage.) Hold on! They've got a few complaints they want to talk to you about!
Foxy: (Sighs) No time! Just start the show!
/Curtains open to reveal a glowering Yami and a very tearful Yugi standing in a cardboard forest, with a very confused-looking Dartz./
Yami: This is ridiculous! Why am I wearing these stupid clothes? (Points to hat with feather and lederhosen with irate gesture.)
Yugi: You? I'm stuck in this! Why? (Gestures at little green frock and petticoat.)
Dartz: (Looks down in confusion at long brown peasant dress and proceeds to scream like a girl.)
Foxy: Enough! You (Points at Yami) are Hansel, that is his traditional outfit. You (Points at Yugi) are Gretal, and that is the only costume we could find. Besides, you're small enough to fit into it. And you (Points at still-screaming Dartz) will shut up, play your very small part and get off my stage! (Pointedly ignores sniggering audience.)
Dartz: (Takes deep breath.) Hansel, Gretal, I want you to go into the forest and pick some berries. You are not to come back until you've filled the basket. Here's some bread. Now go away. (Hurries offstage.)
Yami: That wasn't in the script you moron! (Rolls eyes) I mean, yes Stepmother. Come on Gretal.
Yugi: (Mutters about crazy authors and fake tournaments.) Coming, but what if we get lost? Shouldn't we scatter some bread to leave a path to follow?
Yami: That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard, but the script says we have to do it so let's get it over with. (Throws bread haphazardly around stage then walks off with Yugi in tow.)
/Moment of silence as Director realizes a major mistake. Bored audience mutter and fidget./
Foxy: Hold on! Who's going to eat the bread? We forgot to cast that part!
WolfGirl: No problem! Already thought of that! (Pushes Joey out in a banana costume.) I know he doesn't come in 'til later but what the heck! Now eat!
Joey: (Zooms around stage as quickly as possible before diving back into the wings of the stage.)
/Audience and Director sit in dazed confusion at the sight of a crumb-eating banana./
Yami: (Walks back onstage with Yugi behind him.) Oh no! It seems a random, wandering banana ate our badly thought-out trail of crumbs! What are we going to do?
Yugi: We wander around until we come to a gingerbread cottage where a cannibalistic old lady forces me to do child labour?
Yami: Exactly! (Both leave stage and curtains close.)
/Director is at this moment attempting to stab out her eyes with a pen./
WolfGirl: Okay, while the sets are being changed we have a little intermission entertainment! Allow me to present: The Fruitapalooza!
/'Staying Alive' by the BeeGees starts to blare and on come Ryou in a cauliflower costume and Bakura dressed as a large red apple/
Ryou: All right! (proceeds to dance enthusiastically and spazzily across the stage.)
Bakura: No way! (attempts to leave but is shoved back by a psychotic-looking WolfGirl holding a hockey stick.)
WolfGirl: Dance!
Bakura: (Mutters about baka pharaohs and their baka fake tournaments before slouching across stage dragging an uncoordinated but enthusiastic Ryou.)
/Music changes to 'New York New York' by Frank Sinatra and on trudge Joey, the aforementioned banana, and Grandpa Moto in a raisin costume./ (He was supposed to be a grape but he's so old, he's a wrinkly raisin.)
Grandpa: (singing badly and out of tune) Start spreading the news, I'm … aah! (falls over clutching at back.) My back! My back!
Joey: (completely oblivious to old man lying in the middle of stage.) I'm leaving today! (falls over Grandpa Moto.)
Grandpa: (gestures frantically for Joey to help him.)
Joey: (nods and quickly drags Grandpa Moto away, still singing.) New York! New York!
/Director now attempting to beat herself to death with a clipboard/
Serena: (random character from Sailor Moon in the test audience) I'm confused! How did the crumb-eating banana end up going to New York with a raisin?
Danny: (another audience character from Danny Phantom) And I thought Plasmius was a crazed-up fruitloop! (gets shushed by other members of audience)
/Show continues with 'I'm bringing sexy back' by Justin Timberlake, and the arrival of Tristan, a very grumpy carrot, and Duke, a smug chili pepper. /
Tristan: Why are we dancing to this song?
Duke: (dancing in what he thinks is a sexy manner) Because everyone know I'm the sexiest veggie here, loser!
Tristan: Oh yeah? Let's see how sexy you look with a broken nose! (tackles Duke and both roll offstage, leaving audience with nothing but the noise of several crashes and various cries of pain)
/Director succeeds in breaking clipboard with no visible effect on consciousness. Music changes yet again to 'If you happy and you know it', meaning that the audience is now subjected to the sight of Malik and Marik dressed up as a pair of cherries connected by a twig./
Malik: (clapping with song) Stop stepping on my feet!
Marik: (clapping too) Then walk faster!
Malik: Make me! (argument degenerates into a fast-paced slap fight and several graphic insults resulting in the traumatisation of several audience members)
/Yet again the music changes, this time to 'Thriller' by Michael Jackson. On dances Mokuba in a green bean costume./
Foxy: Hold it! Where's Seto?
WolfGirl: He refuses to come out.
Foxy: Then I guess we have no choice. Rip up his Blue Eyes White Dragon card!
WolfGirl: (grins evilly and reaches for the card, but is stopped by the sight of Seto Kaiba sidling sulkily onto stage, dressed in a giant pumpkin costume. Sighs in disappointment.)
/The show is temporarily stopped by a girlish shriek from the audience. Various characters turn to be greeted by the sight of Athrun Zala, as white as a sheet, clinging desperately to an oxygen-starved Kira./(Both are from Gundam Seed and Gundam Seed Destiny, for those who don't know.)
Athrun: Not the pumpkin! Anything but a pumpkin! Make it go away! (whimpers pathetically)
Kira: (pats him comfortingly on the head) Don't worry Athrun. As the ultimate coordinator, I'll protect you. The mean pumpkin won't hurt you.
/Crickets chirp/
Mokuba: Oookay… (0.0)
Kaiba: This is ridiculous! (stalks offstage, pumpkin costume swinging ponderously)
/Silence reigns briefly until music once again starts. 'Dontcha' by the Pussycat Dolls is played and Mai and Tea prance into view, as a pear and a potato respectively./
Mai: Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Tea: Dontcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Dren: (Mew Mew Power character, along with Elliot, that interrupts rudely from audience) No way! I don't want some freaky potato chick as my girlfriend!
Elliot: Too right! (looks thoughtful) I wouldn't mind the pear though. (gets knocked out by a potato shoe thrown by a raging Tea)
Tea: I hate these budget shows! (stalks off in a huff, leaving Mai, still dancing obliviously, alone on the stage)
Mai: (looks around in confusion) Tea? (hurries off to find her veggie pal)
WolfGirl: Okay! On with the show!
/Curtains rise to reveal Yami and Yugi standing in front of a strange, bobbly, green house./
Yami: I guess this is the place.
Yugi: (nods, then shrieks as Pegasus pops out from behind a cardboard bush in a black dress and a witch's hat)
Pegasus: Welcome to my humble abode. Pray excuse the house. It was supposed to be gingerbread but these contractors can't get anything right and I ended up with broccoli.
Yami: (totally ignoring Yugi, who is traumatised by the fact that Pegasus jumped out at him wearing a dress) Right, and we're just poor little lost kids who would've vandalised your house had it been gingerbread. Can you help us?
Pegasus: Of course! I'm going to pretend to be nice, lead you into a trap (pushes Yami in a cage), and force you to be my slaves. (laughs maniacally while pushing a broom into Yugi's hands)
Yugi: (snaps out of trauma-induced trance) You hentai! Take this! (bashes Pegasus on head with broom, promptly knocking him out) I know what you were planning and you make me sick!
Yami: (still in cage) That's great and all, but now you have to search him for the keys to the cage.
Yugi: (eye twitching) Ew…
/2 disgusting minutes later, Yami is standing next to Yugi, who is prodding Pegasus, now in the cage, with the broom./
Yami: Now what?
/curtains close and the audience claps hesitantly/
WolfGirl: Thank you! Now, the moment you have all been waiting for!
Hunter: (Spider Riders character,piping up hopefully) You mean we can leave? (is silenced by WolfGirl's Death Glare of Doom)
WolfGirl: No! It's the second half of our world-renowned Fruitapalooza! (ignores groans from audience)
/'Dancing Queen' by ABBA begins and Ryou returns as the spastic cauliflower of no musicality, followed by an incredibly grumpy apple-Bakura. Bakura then proceeds to trip, rolling across the stage and taking out Ryou in the middle of his very embarrassing rendition of the macarena. Audience cheers enthusiastically as the Director contemplates suicide by hanging./
/The next in a series of increasingly bad performances is Joey the banana carrying Grandpa Moto the raisin across the stage to the tune of 'He ain't heavy, he's my brother…' Nobody notices the Director attempt to drown herself in a bucket of water./
/At the strains of Barney the Dinosaur's beloved 'I love you, you love me…' Tristan and Duke shuffle forwards ashamedly, arms linked. The tip of Tristan's carrot is hanging sadly by a thread and Duke sports a black eye and a plaster on his chili costume. By the this time, the audience is thoroughly enjoying themselves, jeering and throwing rotten lettuces and tomatoes, randomly produced from under their chairs./
WolfGirl: This is a disaster! I'm counting on you two to make things better! (points a finger at Malik and Marik, who look surprisingly pleased)
/'Proud Mary' by CCR is blasted from the speakers as Malik and Marik bounce onto the stage, dancing in sync with shockingly good choreography. The audience stops and watches in wonder as the two blonde Egyptians proceed to sing along with the chorus. However, it was not to last. An over-enthusiastic lunge breaks the twig connecting the cherry costumes, sending Malik skidding across the stage and Marik tumbling into the laps of Train and Creed, who begin to fire Hades at everything that moves and scream about Chronos plots respectively./
/As such, the audience is once again excited enough to have some audience interaction with the next act. Thus, when Seto and Mokuba attempt to dance across the stage to Michael Jackson's 'I'm Bad', the response included the following…/
Athrun: Aaaaah! (dives under Kira's chair and refuses to emerge for the next 3 hours)
Sokka: (loudmouth character from Avatar) Yeah you're bad! Bring the pear back on!
Tea: Well! (indignantly)
Asuna: (Both her and Negi come from Negima) Negi, I demand that you blow them out of here before I bash that pumpkin's head in!
Negi: (X.X) (has beaten himself to death with his staff due to the fact that the Theatre of Doom negates his magic and he couldn't stand the sight of any more psychotic fruit.)
/After Seto and Mokuba have been harassed off the stage, the time has come for the last pair in the painful palooza. Tea and Mai come on, arms linked, to the cheery strains of the can-can and proceed to do said dance across the stage. At around this time, Elliot rouses from his shoe-induced coma, only to be knocked out once more by Tea's second shoe, which flew off from a very enthusiastic high-kick. Surprisingly, this performance was well received by the audience, who had settled down and returned their magic rotten veggies. As the two disappeared offstage, there was some half-hearted clapping before the curtains rose once more./
/Yugi and Yami are standing with Dartz and a still unconscious and caged Pegasus on the stage./
Yami: Here! You are a sick baka, so we brought you a little present and now we're going to leave with all the money we stole from this hentai's house. (gestures to groaning Pegasus)
Dartz: Oh goody! (drags off Pegasus leaving Yami and a green-looking Yugi alone)
Yugi: What do you think he's going to do to him?
Yami: (Whispers in Yugi's ear)
Yugi: (0.0)…Aaaaaaaaah! (runs off stage in hysterical tears)
Yami: (looks around and then glares at the audience) What are you still doing here? That was the end of the play! So get out of my sight before I mind crush the lot of you and let the creatures of the Shadow Realm feast on your spleens! (stalks after his still-screaming Hikari)
Audience: (X.X)… (lying dead in the auditorium due to the fact that the suicidal director finally got her hands on a small, but very powerful grenade which she used in her attempt to 'cleanse the world of this horrible acting plague')
WolfGirl: (bounces obliviously onto the stage) Okay! And now…Hello? Anyone? (notices everyone dead, or in the case of the acting cast, suspiciously missing due to a tunnel in the dressing rooms dug by spoons) Well this sucks…
/END/
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AN: Okay, we know it's really bad, but give us a break, we wrote this long before we signed up for fanfiction. (We obviously changed the names from our original ones to our author names of DeadFoxy and Wannabe WolfGirl later.) We didn't change any of it and left it exactly as it was in the original apart from the name changes, so we hope you enjoyed our little stupid blast from the past as much as we did!