You know, I'm having a bad day. Not in a good mood so I decided to write this. Be warned all you Twilight die hard fans that there is nothing nice about this story. In fact, it's just me being mean. So Ye Be Warned… read at your own risk.

Disclaimer: Don't own it, don't want it. Stephanie Meyer could fall off a cliff and I would revel in the glory that she's gone.

Why Do I Do These Things…

I sat in the back of a small café cracking my fingers impatiently. Hoping Swan would get here soon so I could go home and shower. I needed to get the stench of rain and Forks out of my hair and that could take some time. Forks, I think to myself. What the hell kinda name is Forks? Maybe it's just the weapon of choice around here. If I have to hear about this chick and her boyfriend one more time, I'll stab myself in the eye with a Fork. Yeah I could see that working.

Fact of the matter is, I've been held against my will to interview Isabella Swan, or Bella as she emphasized (but I can think of a few different names for her). The local News has been running out of stories lately (the punishment for moving out to the middle of BFE) and so in order to NOT lose my job, I have to interview everyone's favorite Mary-Sue, Bella Swan. Please kill me.

I rub the bridge of my nose as I wait impatiently, I said be here at noon. Not around noon. Just fucking noon. Twelve, lunch time, time I could still be sleeping in my warm comfy bed, or eating! Either way, I know I did not say around fucking noon. "Come on," I moan. My head falls back lazily and I allow it to hang there. I hated this place, and now more than every I wonder how this News was even remotely local. I live in BFE Michigan. Damn the recession, I swear inwardly. Damn it all to hell!

A chorus of gasps fill the room and I finally find myself picking up my head. That must be her, although I wouldn't know, somehow everyone in Forks is miraculously beautiful. But I've heard about her. Heart shaped face-check, fair skinned-check, long brown hair, brown eyes (though not chocolaty because nothing can beat the delicious chocolaty eyes of Johnny Depp), five inches taller than me, wide lips- check, check, check, check. Great, she finally decided to grace me with her fucking presence. She looks around a bit lost for a moment until I finally stand and wave her over. Ugh Lane, I question myself with sorrow. Why do you do these things to yourself?

Bella POV… (Only once)

She was like anyone I'd ever seen since I moved to Forks. It was easy to tell she didn't belong here. I found myself wondering how I could have missed her. She was a short woman, with a physique best described as "roly-poly", stocky but not quite fat. Her eyes were a shade an olive green that looked apathetic with a large mole over her right eyerow. Her hair was shoulder length, plain, and brown. Almost as though she ran a comb through it, looked into the mirror and said "Good enough."

On her wrists were a variety of trinkets and wristbands. Each saying something different about her. Her likes, and where she's been. Her shirt was black with a picture from Sweeney Todd. Her pants, a simple pair of faded torn jeans. It looked like she had gotten dressed in the dark.

Her arms where folded over her chest as she clearly was biting her tongue from saying something. "Are you Alayna?" I asked quite stupidly. She raised an eyebrow, in desperate need for a trim before she checked the brown watch on her wrist.

"You're late Ms. Swan," she said plainly. Her green eyes seemed less than amused about the whole situation. She swung her arm to the side and motioned me to sit. Doing so slowly, I couldn't help but notice her less than graceful flop onto her own seat.

"Actually it's Mrs. Cullen now," I smiled and showed her the ring wrapped snuggly around my left ring-finger. She shrugged uncaringly and grabbed her pen, spinning it in her hand. This was going to be a long interview.

Okay back to my POV…

"Actually," she smiled at me. Holding up her hand like I was suppose to turn gooey and squeal in the middle of the café. "It's Mrs. Cullen now."

Mrs. Cullen now! I'll call you Mrs.-, Easy Lane remember your karma. The last thing you need is to move back in with mom and pop. Brushing the many thoughts aside, I decided to get on with the interview, lest I end up throwing myself out a window.

"You say your "story" is unlike any other?" I spin my pen, my old friend that's gotten me places… Forks for instance. "Is this correct?" She nodded enthusiastically. "How?" I ask impatiently. I couldn't just right down 'nods', that's not much of an interview now is it?

Bella leaned across the table to me, making sure no one heard. "I'm a vampire."

I'm an idiot, I jot down quickly. Almost as though I was really interested in this crock of shit. She looks down at what I'm writing and I snatch the pad away from her eyes. No one reads anything I write until I'm done, and she's no exception. Bella finally sat back, saying nothing. I straightened my back and shrugged, now getting rather annoyed. "Is that it? Is there a story to this, or am I going to have to ad lib and I promise it wont be pretty."

Bella gave me a worried look before she continued. "Well it started when I moved to Forks…" She continued on about Vampires, Werewolves, and a bunch of other crap that I really didn't care about. I was too busy drawing Mr. Jazz Cat and Oinkbomb the Super Pig. Eh, don't ask, it got me through High School.

"Wait a second," I stop her much to my ears delight. "If you're a vampire, how the hell are you out at half past noon?"

She smirked at me with enough satisfaction to make me gag. If I wasn't already.

"Vampires can go out in the day," she whispered. "It doesn't hurt us it just makes us sparkle like diamonds."

We're not really vampire we… wait did she just say "sparkle"?

"Sparkle," I ask. That was the line, Sparkling Vampires, could you come up with a bigger crock of it?

"It sounds crazy I know but-" Bella tried her best to persuade me. Not happening, Sparkling Vampires was just too much.

"I suppose you don't drink blood either?" I pushed. I almost knew what the answer was. One of two things, animals (which doesn't work) or blood drives (which again doesn't work). I'm not an expert when it comes to Vampires, but I do know the Vampire Lore. Especially that A.) Vampires needed fresh blood from a human in order to sustain themselves, and B.) Sunlight is too pure for a Vampire therefore they go dead. Any idiot knows that… Right?

"Well no," Bella shifted in her seat in front of me. "We drink blood. But only animal blood." She added quickly as if to stop me from panicking… Problem is I wasn't panicking that she drink animal blood. I was panicking because some idiotic cult was drinking animal blood and throwing on body glitter to "sparkle in the sun" therefore calling themselves Vampires. Oh my Goddess, please be with me that I don't shove this pen up Bella's nose.

I nod and begin jotting back down in my writing pad. This is stupid, she's a fake, her boyfriend story is incredibly dull, she and he wear body glitter so they can sparkle (gay?) and I'm running low on coffee. DAMN THE WORLD!!!

When we finally finished our interview, I didn't even bother to say thank you or goodbye. In fact I just stood up, paid my tab, and drove away so fast that I'm surprised that my license wasn't revoked. Still I couldn't get back to BFE Michigan soon enough. My shower was pouring as hot as it could go. I needed to get ready for work tomorrow.

WORK…

"…We now go to Alayna for our 'Strange simulation' this time the alluring Ms. Bella Swan ," The anchorman turned the table over to me.

"Thank you, what the hell your name is because I don't actually listen to your crappy rants," I cracked my knuckles and readied myself for the whopper. "And actually it's Mrs. Cullen, biggest waste of a perfectly good day in BFE Michigan. I couldn't find a blander person if I actually tried, except when she tried to persuade me that she was in fact, a Vampire. A good fucking Vampire, who drinks animal blood and sparkles when direct sunlight makes contact with her skin. All I could really hold in my head is that her man pissed some Werewolves off, killed them, had a baby, and did some other blandish things that could just make you puke. I mean this is so bad I don't even think so half ass writer could come up with it! As you heard from this Jack-hole over here I'm Alayna, thank you for watching "Strange Simulations" where you should believe it, because I don't think I could come up with a bigger crock of shit in my whole life. Don't bother firing me I QUIT!"

I stormed out of the News room and out into the streets. I needed to get some boxes together to move back in with mom. Ugh Lane, I chided myself. Why do you do these things? I simply shrugged before I carried on, just glad that I'd never hear about Bella Swan.. Er Cullen… Ah who the hell cares, she's outta my life for good.

Or so I thought…

FIN!

(A/N: Love it, Hate it. I really don't care.)