Chapter 1 - Welcome to my life
"Azir, I know that guy, I don't know why he hates me though, something about Assassin's Creed or something?" -Talon
Life was shit for Azir.
While it was true he was an emperor, his nation was basically literally rebuilding from dust and he had a thousand thorns in his side. Taliyah, the dumb wretch, thought he was trying to take over the desert. Xerath, that bastard. Renekton, the angry fool. But the most pressing of all problems currently was his lane opponent, Talon.
"Get out of here you edgelord, why don't you go dry-hump your sister," screamed Azir as he flew to one of his soldiers in the front line.
"I never compromise," said Talon from where he sat, alternating between slitting minion throats and giving himself a prison tattoo of a complex picture of skulls and upside down crosses and other goth things.
Talon had earbuds plugged in that were no doubt playing Linkin Park.
"Listen to me when I address you peasant!" shouted Azir before sending one of his soldiers over. He thought his name was Bimmy, but he was never sure which one was which. 'Maybe they should have different color armor highlights,' thought Azir. Bimmy walked over to Talon and unplugged his earbuds from his pocket.
I'VE BECOME SO NUMB
I CAN'T FEEL YOU THERE
I'VE BECOME SO TIRED
And then Talon realized his music was playing out loud.
His face got all red and Azir could tell he was really angry. Bimmy and the other sand soldiers were laughing silently since they couldn't talk and were making wrist-slitting motions.
Talon activated his ult and Azir realized that since his own summoner was inept, he had taken a ton of minion agro and was low health. Talon was probably racing towards him, ready to eviscerate him. Azir had one thing left however.
He pulled out a warding trinket, and not just any kind. The Sweeping Lense buzzed faintly into the air, annoyed it was being used. A faint outline of Talon could be seen.
Azir struck a pose so majestic, the Pillar Men would be wet, before a wall of shields slammed into Talon's face.
In his mind, Azir imagined a fatality from Mortal Kombat where his wall just destroyed Talon and all his bones broke with the cool x-ray noises.
Talon went flying back and then Bimmy was there. He rag-dolled Talon into the ground and held him there as Sand Soldiers piled onto him beating him up. They all then exploded and killed Talon.
"Hive fives all around!" shouted Azir as a bunch of Sand Soldiers reformed and celebrated, slapping each other on the back and shaking hands.
And then Diana flew out of the bush. Azir tried to ult but the stupid cooldown was still active so instead he just got killed by the moon-bitch.
By the time he respawned, his turret was destroyed.
"Assassins," he said, "I hate those guys."
Little by little, Azir was able to fight back and with the help of Skarner camping lane, he was able to win lane and push to inhibitor.
"Who are you again?" he asked the depressed crystal scorpion.
Skarner just tunneled underground and cried like a little bitch.
Azir tried to summon a turret on the rubble of the inhibitor turret but couldn't.
He screamed in rage, "Why can't I put up turrets by inhibitors?"
"Because," shouted Diana, "You're stupid- I mean, death to the sun!"
"I'm not even Solari, I outdate those copycats by centuries, sun disk master race!" screamed Azir.
And then Bimmy raiser his spear behind his back and threw it, spearing Diana through the stomach.
"Bimmy, I didn't know you guys could do that?" asked Azir.
Bimmy just stared at him as if to say, Really Bitch?, but the message was lost due to him not having a face.
Bimmy pulled out another spear out of god knows where and all of the sudden, the other Sand Soldiers raised their spears as well.
And then they froze, and Bimmy lowered his spear and pulled out a whiteboard and began to write.
Sire, we just received news from you servants at the Music Producer, they finished editing the footage and are awaiting your orders to release the song and music video.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA" screamed Azir as he sprinted into the enemy base, a literal horde of Sand Soldiers following him. A sand soldier followed them carrying a massive sound system on his back and it blared his homemade beat. He even brought on Taliyah for a cameo, see? He can be nice to those who are his "enemies."
It's Everyday Bro by The Shuriman Shufflers
[Verse 1 : Bird Daddy Azir]
It's everyday bro, with the Shuriman flow
5 mil sand soldiers in the reincarnation, never done before
Passed all the competition man, Demacia is next
Man I'm poppin' all these checks, got a brand new sweeper lense
And I met a Poro too
And I'm coming with the crew
This is Azir's city bitch, who the hell are flippin' you?
And you know I kick them out if they ain't with the crew
Yeah, I'm talking about you, you beggin' for attention
Talking shit on SR News, but you still hit my phone last night
It was 4:52 and I got the text to prove
And all the recordings too, don't make me tell them the truth
And I just dropped some new merch and it's selling like a god, church
Shurima's where I'm from, we stab 'em like it's done
We shooting with a gun, the tattoo just for fun
I Usain Bolt and run, catch me at game one
I cannot be outdone, Azir is number one
[Chorus : Bimmy]
It's everyday bro
It's everyday bro
It's everyday bro
I said it is everyday bro
[Verse 2 : Good Boy Nasus]
You know it's jackal Nasus and my collar stay poppin'
Yes, I can rap and no, I'm not from Zaun
Shurima is my city
And if it weren't for Sand Shufflers then Runeterra would be shitty
I'll pass it to Sivir 'cause you know she stay litty
[Verse 3 : Pimp Momma Sivir]
Two months ago you didn't know my name
And now you want my fame?
Bitch I'm I'm blowing up, I'm only going up
Now I'm going off, I'm never fallin' off
Like Xerath who? Renekton who? Who are you?
All these beefs I just ran through, hit a milli in a month
Where were you, Hatin' on me back in Uristan
Think you need to get your shit straight
Daddy brought me to the top, now we're really poppin' off
Number 1 and number 4, that's why these fans all at our dor
It's lonely at the top so we all going
We left Vekaura , now the squad is all rollin'
It's Sand Shufflers bitch
We back again, always first, never last
We the future, we'll see you in the past
[Chorus : Bimmy]
It's everyday bro
It's everyday bro
It's everyday bro
I said it is everyday bro
[Verse 4 : Road Rolla Rammus]
Hold on, hold on, hold on
Can I switch the language?
I 'bout to hit it
*Incoherent okays and alrights in Ancient Shuriman*
[Chorus : Bimmy]
It's everyday bro
It's everyday bro
It's everyday bro
I said it is everyday bro
[Verse 5: Rock Weava Taliyah]
Yo, it's Taliyah
Competition's all like 'AHHH'
These guys up on me
I got 'em with the hook
Lemme educate ya'
And I an't talking book
Noxus is your home?
So, stop calling my phone
I'm flyin' like a drone
They buying like a loan
Yeah, I smell good
Is that your boy's cologne?
[Verse 6 : Bird Daddy Azir]
Is that your boy's cologne?
Started flyin'
Quicken loans
Now I'm in my flippin' zone
Yes, they all copy me
But, that's some shitty clones
Stay in all designer clothes
And they ask me what I make
I said is 10 with six zeros
Always plug, merch link in bio
And I will see you tomorrow 'cause
It's everyday bro
Peace
And then Azir fainted due to ecstacy.
Yo, back again with a new chapter of a new story.
This was actually inspired by another Fanfic called the Inglorious Devolution which is way better and deserved more recognition. I was so sad it hasn't been updated that I decided to write this to fill the void in my heart
This is kind of a meme but at the same time serious and will definitely not be a one-shot.
Expect more OOC shit soon.