Title: Safe in my own skin
Author: Sue
E-mail: Ruststar@aol.com
Category: Jake/Ham
Rating: PG -13
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, or the storyline. The lyrics are from
"Honestly OK" by Dido.
Summary: Jake is feeling depressed about her situation and rethinking her motives.
Authors note: I may be the only one but I was not satisfied with the way they handled
Jake's reasons for what she did. The more I thought about it, this story kind of built
around it. This is set after Our Town, but before Kiss and Tell, and its from Jake's POV.
Feedback: Is welcome and desperately needed. I'm still new at this stuff.
*****
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
What was I thinking? Coming here as a boy was the stupidest idea I've come up with yet,
and she still hasn't noticed. Four letters, all on Rawley Boys stationery, and all I have is
proof that she doesn't read my letters.
But, if I'm honest with myself, I recognize that my mother's inattention isn't what's
really bothering me – its him. Those incredible eyes, those hands, I never thought a boy's
lips would be that soft… and I could just kick myself for kissing him like that. I nearly
ruined everything with that stupid, impulsive, GIRLY move – but I can't really regret it
either. Because I felt him kiss me back. It was only a second, but I know he leaned in
towards me for a brief moment, before we both realized what I had done. I never wanted
to be a girl so badly. The fact that I can't is just crushing me right now, but I can't just
announce to Hamilton that I'm a girl. Right now he just thinks I'm a fag, but if I tell him
he'll think I'm a freak.
I came here for a purpose, and I can't give up on it just because I've developed a monster
size crush on the first friend I've had since my mother started shipping me off to these
stupid boarding schools.
If she knew me at all she'd realize that I don't belong in those
stupid all girl boarding schools filled with Muffys and Buffys. How could she have
missed the fact that I'm a total tomboy? Do I look like the type that would enjoy teas and
cotillions? Fluffy white dresses and giggling about boys? Ever since I was little all my
friends were boys, so why didn't she know how lonely I would be? If she saw me more
than twice a year maybe she might have noticed that I'm not the person she thinks I am.
I transferred myself to 5 different schools, hoping they'd be different, but they weren't.
Even the girls names were the same: lots of upper crust kind of girls who laughed at the
way I dressed and made it quite clear that being rich wasn't enough – you had to be old
money to fit in. The daughter of a famous Broadway actress was, in their eyes, half a step
away from a circus performer. People think that males are violent by nature, but I really
think the females of the species have cornered the market on cruelty.
I racked my brain to come up with something outrageous that was guaranteed to get me
kicked out of these stupid dumping grounds the rich call schools. I'm not stupid though –
it had to be something she wouldn't hate me for, and wouldn't come back to bite me in
the ass if I ever wanted to run for congress or something. Doing drugs and getting
pregnant had too many consequences, and its way too trailer park.
We were reading Shakespeare's "As You Like It" in Lit when I got the idea to enroll in a
boy's school. I knew I could look like a boy – I pretty much dress like one unless I'm
going out. I just cut my hair shorter and used one of those chest wraps to keep from
bobbing all over the place. I tried it out a few times in the town near my last school, and I
pulled it off.
It was exhilarating actually – liberating. People treated me totally differently
as a boy than as a girl. It was exciting to know I could pull it off – and I couldn't help but
feel that my mom would be proud of me if I could play this role. It was the part of a
lifetime. I thought that they'd have to call my mother when I got caught – of course I'd
get caught, wouldn't I?
Now that I'm here though, it's starting to wear me down. Living a role is a lot different
than playing one for a few hours. I haven't been able to sleep well since I got here, and I
know I've lost weight. That helped with the illusion, but my feminine side is screaming
to let go. I want to wear nail polish again, and order stuff from Victoria's Secret. It drove
me crazy listening to those girls at my old school clucking like a bunch of hens about
boys and makeup, but right now I kind of miss it, a little. Well, talking about boys more
than anything.
I wish I had someone to talk to about Hamilton.
He blew me off tonight when I asked him to go for a ride – I guess he's afraid to be
around me right now – which just makes the loneliness even worse. He's the only friend I
really have, and he's repulsed by me because he thinks I'm a guy – a gay guy. But if I
hadn't been a guy, he probably never would have talked to me, and I wouldn't have
gotten to know him. I'm confusing myself now – do I want to get caught so my mother
will finally pay attention to who I really am, or do I want to stay here so I can be near
him?
On a different day
If I was safe in my own skin
I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
*******
Jake woke up feeling completely un-refreshed after the fitful night's sleep she had.
She
sat up slowly, trying to work up the motivation to actually get out of bed. Every morning
it was becoming harder to do this simple task, and that fact was starting to worry her. She
spent most of the night mulling over what it was she really wanted to happen with her
situation and came to the depressing conclusion that she wanted it all – she wanted her
mother to finally see her for who she really was, and she wanted Hamilton to know the
same thing, for very different reasons.
Or maybe the reasons weren't so different, they
both boiled down to love, didn't they? Her mother's or Hamilton's, because there was no
way she could have both. To get her mother's attention she'd have to get caught and most
likely expelled, and to get Hamilton's she'd have to reveal her secret only to him – and
she didn't even know if he liked her enough to help her keep her secret.
"Dammit – I spent half the night ruminating about this, and I'm still no closer to an
answer." She got up and began to get ready for another day as Jake. She was just forcing
her hair into that messy "guy" look when she heard a knock at her door. She checked
herself in her mirror to make sure she presentable, and opened the door.
To her complete surprise Hamilton Fleming was on the other side of the door. She
recovered from her shock quickly and greeted him coolly – its not like he hadn't been
completely rude to her the last few days. He answered back with a slightly embarrassed
"Hey" and asked if he could come in. "Be my guest." she said and pushed the door open
wide enough to let him in. "So, what can I do for you?" she asked "I take it you're
speaking to me again?" She looked at him out of the corner of her eye as she shut the
door.
He looked down at the floor and actually shuffled his feet around like a little boy before
he said, "I'm sorry about that, you know, the way I acted the last couple days. It really
wasn't fair, and it wasn't even honest. I hate wrestling, but I guess I was still feeling a
little freaked out about 'stuff'" He grimaced to himself, knowing that was the wrong
thing to say when he saw Jake stiffen up and back away from him.
"Hey, I'm sorry, I know I said everything was cool, and it is, I just needed more time to, I
don't know, adjust." He smiled at Jake, " And to figure out that most of the guys at this
school are really boring, and aren't much fun to hang around with."
Jake laughed - "It took you this long to figure that out? I could have told you that on the
first day!" She grinned broadly, feeling substantially better than she did when she woke
up.
"So, are we still cool?" Hamilton asked, assuming the answer was yes. Jake shrugged in
an offhand way and merely said "Sure, no big deal." She tried very hard not to look
ecstatic that he was talking to her again. To herself she thought * why all the silly
posturing here? If we were both girls we'd just hug and move on*.
For the first time she noticed the letter he was holding in his hand. "What's that?" she
asked.
"God, I almost forgot, my mom said this came for you by registered mail yesterday. She
asked me to give it to you since she knew we have class together this morning." He
handed the brown envelope over to Jake.
Jake looked completely puzzled until she saw
the letter was addressed to "J. Pratt" – a dead giveaway that it was from Consuela, the
housekeeper at her home in New York. She smiled and tore into the letter right then.
There was a note from Consuela surrounding a thick, cream-colored envelope.
" Dear Jacqueline, Your mother asked me to send this letter on to you since she didn't
know the address of your current school. I'm so sorry that she didn't give you her news in
person, but she wasn't able to get away from the production for more than 2 days. I hope
you'll be willing to forgive her. Love, C."
Totally confused Jake opened the letter from her mother. A picture fell out to the floor,
fluttering down around Hamilton's feet. He bent down and picked up the picture –
"Whoa, Jake, is this your mom? She's a knockout! Who's the guy?" He asked and
handed the picture over.
"I have no idea, because I didn't get to see it yet," she pointed out to him, taking the
picture from his hand. She smiled when she looked at her mother, because he was right
she looked absolutely beautiful – except for the creepy-looking European guy with his
arm around her. Confused she opened up the letter that was in the envelope. It was only
one page – just a few lines written in delicate, flowing script:
"Jacqueline darling, I just wanted to let you know about my good news – Paolo and I
were married today in Italy—"
"MARRIED?????" Jake roared – "Who the hell is Paolo?" She started storming back and
forth across her room cursing to herself –"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!!!!" She didn't even
bother to read the rest of the letter – just let it fall to the floor as she grabbed her bike
keys and her helmet.
"I have to get out of here – will you tell Finn I'm sick or something? If I look at that
picture again, I will be anyway, so it's not really a lie." Her eyes begged Hamilton to
agree without asking questions.
He could see tears starting to form in Jake's eyes before
he glanced away to let the guy save some face. "Of course, man, whatever you need…"
Jake was already out the door before he could finish. He sat down on the edge of Jake's
bed, shocked and concerned for Jake – did his mother really just marry some complete
stranger without even telling him? "That's so cold," he thought. He was just about to get
up and go look for Jake when he noticed the letter on the floor. Curiosity caused him to
peek at what his mother had actually said – and the first two words froze him in his
tracks.
"Jacqueline? Darling? What the fuck?"
********
"Jacqueline, Darling …," the first two words of the letter from Jake's mother made things
so much clearer. He liked the sound of the name, Jacqueline; it kind of rolled off the
tongue, smooth as velvet. As soon as he put that name with Jake's face, so many things
had just clicked – the smooth, perfect skin that never had to shave. The small hands,
small frame, the layers of clothing despite the heat, the kiss… Oh yeah. He smiled widely
when he thought of that kiss. For the first time he could really admit to himself how much
he had liked the feel of Jake's lips, and accept the fact that he couldn't stop thinking
about him/her. That's why he had been avoiding spending time with Jake, even though he
preferred Jake's company to anyone else's. Now that he knew her real name he could
recall every minute that they'd spent together and examine it in a whole new context.
Everything seemed right with the world again – oops.
"You complete jerk!" he berated himself, "She just got the worst news of her life, and
you're sitting here feeling relieved that you're not gay! Asshole, she probably needs you
right now, so what the fuck are you doing still sitting here?"
Hamilton decided to skip Finn's class and ran straight to the place he was pretty sure
she'd be. He hoped he could catch her before she could actually get her bike out of the
hiding place he'd showed her. He couldn't help but smile to himself – he was getting
such a kick out of putting a feminine pro-noun with everything in reference to Jake.
When he neared the bushes near the lake he made a sharp right into an almost invisible
opening in the foliage. He found her sitting next to her bike with her arms wrapped
around her legs and her forehead resting on her knees. She looked so fragile she made his
heart break.
There was no way to silently enter the hiding spot, so he couldn't really be unobtrusive.
"Jake, are you okay?" He asked softly. Jake's red-rimmed eyes when she lifted her head
answered that question. She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it when it was clear
she wouldn't be able to say anything without the tears starting again. She looked
absolutely miserable, so he instinctively pulled her towards him for a hug. At first she
resisted, but then she just gave in because she needed the physical comfort. She fit so
perfectly in his arms as she relaxed against him – it crossed his mind that the happiest
moment in his life had to be the saddest one for her. That thought forced him to speak.
"Jacqueline, I'm so sorry this happened to you, I…"
"What did you call me?" she cut in, pulling away from his embrace. She eyed him warily.
Even after the draining tension of the last hour she still conjured up enough energy for
self-preservation. Her eyes appeared to be searching his for signs of – what, anger?
Hostility? Insincerity? She looked scared, but also prepared to fight like hell if
threatened.
He smiled and said "I called you by your real name, don't you recognize it?" He reached
for her hands and she cautiously let him take them in his own. As he looked down at her
hands he remarked softly "I don't know how I could have missed it," He looked back up
at her through his eyelashes, "You are the most incredible girl I've ever been this close
to." She smiled, even though she appeared to be trying to prevent it.
She spoke in a slightly hoarse voice that was till higher than her Jake voice and asked
"So, are you angry with me or not, because I really don't have the emotional energy to
deal with another scene right now." She bit her lower lip in anticipation as she waited for
an answer.
"Angry? Hell no, I'm so incredibly, amazingly relieved and overjoyed! When I put that
name with the face that I kept dreaming about I felt like doing cartwheels or something
stupid like that. If anybody had seen me I probably would have had the goofiest grin on
my face…"
"Wait, you were dreaming about me?" she asked, the start of a genuine smile playing
across her face.
"All the time. That's why it was so hard to be around you – I wasn't quite prepared to
have those kinds of feelings for a guy, you know?" He bit his lip "I suppose I could be
angry that you made me think I was turning gay, but… its kind of hard to be mad when
you feel this happy." Again he was reminded that she had every reason in the world to
not feel happy right now, and he looked her over to check the emotional barometer. She
seemed much calmer, and her eyes were clearer, but she still looked liked somebody
killed her puppy.
"I know you must feel awful about your mom's news – is there anything I can do to
help?"
"Yeah," she whispered, as she pulled him closer, "YOU can kiss ME this time". He was
happy to oblige. Her lips were just as soft as he remembered, and the kiss felt as good as
he'd dreamed. He opened his mouth just a little, to test the waters, and he was surprised
when she hungrily accepted more passionate kisses. He pulled her in as close as he could,
wrapping his arms around her tightly, and she placed her hands behind his head. They
stayed locked in an embrace for what seemed like forever, until Jake finally pulled back.
"I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't shown up. I had all kinds of
ridiculous ideas running through my head. None of them would have really made me feel
better, but it did feel good to think about." She smiled ruefully, "I suppose you're
probably wondering by now why I was doing this whole charade."
"Well, I was curious, but you can tell me whenever you're ready to." He pantomimed
begging and pleading, finally getting a laugh out of her, and a full-wattage smile. "God,
she's beautiful when she smiles, how on earth did I miss that?" he thought to himself.
She sat on the ground and patted the spot next to her "Pull up a chair, we could be here a
while." She told him about growing up with a famous mother who was never there, about
never knowing who her father was, and about being sent to boarding schools when her
mother started a play in Europe last year. When she talked about not fitting in with the
girls at those schools Hamilton completely understood how she felt. Growing up at a
boarding school put him in the lonely position of Townie/Rich kid when he was really
neither, so he didn't fit in on either side. He'd been home-schooled so he never made
friends with the kids in town, and until this year he was too young for the kids at Rawley.
She explained that this stunt she pulled was intended to get her expelled – a situation that
would force her mother to come back from Europe and deal with her. Unfortunately, her
mother didn't know where she was, despite the obvious trail she'd left and all the clues
she'd sent. Her mother just didn't care enough to find out how she was doing, or for that
matter to even tell her she was planning on marrying somebody.
She looked about ready
to break into tears again when she described how much she was ready to end this whole
charade, but she had no real home to go to. Getting expelled would make enrolling
somewhere else impossible, but she couldn't take staying here as a boy. And she certainly
couldn't keep the act up for 3 more years of high school. Transferring to another girl's
school just made her even more depressed.
"This is the first school I actually liked. I don't want to leave, but it's tearing me apart
having to be somebody else every day. You don't know how hard it was to see you and
not tell you…" her eyes did fill up with tears at this point, so he pulled her head down to
his shoulder as he wiped the tears from her cheeks.
"You won't get expelled – it's not like you cheated, did drugs, or killed somebody. If I
have anything to say about it you will not get kicked out of here. There's absolutely no
reason you couldn't go to the girls school." He held her tighter, as though he didn't want
to ever let her go.
"Hamilton – I don't think they're gonna ask for your input – you're the dean's son, but
not the dean." She looked defeated. "I just want to be able to be myself again, more than
anything in the world."
"I may not be the dean, but I have a lot of pull with someone who has power over the
dean – his wife. I think if we went to her, together, and explained your situation, she
could convince him to let you stay. Like I said before, other than misrepresenting who
you are, you didn't do anything that would have normally gotten someone expelled."
"Hacking into their computer database to change school records isn't an expellable
offense?" she looked doubtful. He bit his lip and mulled that over – "Well, you'd
probably have to be willing to take whatever kind of punishment they threw at you for
that one, but no, I really don't think they'll expel you for that. Besides I don't think my
mother would let him expel my best friend – the first real friend I've ever had." He
looked away from her, embarrassed at that admission.
"Ditto," she said quietly, " you are the main reason I don't want to leave Rawley." He
caught her eye then, and they just looked at each other for a while. He wanted to be able
to make everything okay for her, because he needed her just as much as she needed him.
" So, what should I do? Mr. Well-Connected? What's the next step?" She looked at him
expectantly.
"Well, my mom's probably in her office right now, but she gets really distracted when
she's working. My Dad won't be getting back from Boston until later tonight, so it'll be
just her and me for dinner. If I brought a friend over…we could talk to her then. She's
probably been dying to meet you by now anyway." He smiled, a blushing a little. " She
asked about you a couple of times, I guess she noticed that we hung around together a
lot."
"Most mom's would notice those kinds of things – at least, I think they do," she said
ruefully. She smiled at him, and then leaned over to kiss him on the cheek quickly before
standing up. They'd been sitting for several hours, and she needed to move around. They
agreed to meet at 6 near his house for dinner, and headed out of the hiding place and
towards the dorms. They were careful not to touch, but were not as successful about
looking at each other, so they weren't really looking around them.
"Where the hell have you two been all day – do you plan on making a habit of truancy
Mr. Fleming? Mr. Pratt?" Finn asked, appearing out of nowhere.
"Well, where have you two been all day when you were supposed to be in my class?"
Finn demanded. "You've had your mother worried to death – she was about ready to send
out a search party," he added with a touch of concern in his voice. One look at Jake's red
eyes told him that the boy had been crying, and Finn was truly baffled by their
disappearing act for the day.
"I'm sorry Finn, but Jake got some really bad news from home today, and …"
"And I don't want to share it with anyone else just yet, so can we go?" Jake asked
angrily. She was extremely uncomfortable by the visual scrutiny she was getting from
Finn.
"Disappearing isn't the answer either young man," Finn said, his tone considerably
softened. Jake looked like he was in real pain, so he forgave him the insolent tone. "If
you need someone to talk to, and you're not comfortable with me, would you be willing
to talk to Mrs. Fleming? She's kind of the unofficial counselor here, as well as the dean's
wife and a teacher."
Jake and Hamilton just looked at each other and tried not to burst into nervous laughter.
"That's actually where we were heading when you stopped us," said Hamilton,
improvising. They'd have to change their plans a little. Jake just looked at the ground and
tried to imagine large holes opening up in the earth to swallow her up. She felt she'd lost
control, like she was nearing the top of a roller coaster that was just about to drop. All she
wanted at that moment was to get away from Finn. She needed more time to think.
"Yeah, I just needed to go to my room for a couple things first – is that okay?" she held
her breath, waiting for his response.
"You go on ahead, Jake, I just need to speak to Hamilton for a moment." She nodded
quickly, and practically ran away from them up towards the dorms. Hamilton, trapped,
tried to smooth things over "He was really upset today, I couldn't just leave him, and he
didn't want to talk to anyone. Didn't even want to tell me, but I happened to be there
when he got the news. I hope you can understand why we missed classes today, I mean,
sometimes helping out a friend will have to take priority." He looked at Finn steadily, not
wanting to back down. He'd never really stood up to an authority figure before, and it felt
good to be doing it for Jake, kind of… noble.
Finn sighed, "I understand – Jake does seem extremely upset. Just don't do it again. I
mean, if a situation like this happens again, let somebody know. You guys had people
worried. I'll stop by your mom's office to let her know you're okay. Why don't you go
see of you can keep him company before he talks to her?"
Hamilton was halfway up the hill in a heartbeat.
****
One hour later, Jake and Hamilton arrived at his mother's office.
"Are you sure you want to do this Jake? You don't have to, you know, we could figure
something out. I wouldn't care if everyone thought I was gay – I just want to be around
you. Or - maybe I could get my parents to send me wherever you transfer to?"
She placed a finger on his lips, and then stroked his cheek softly – "Thank you. But I
need to do this. I want to be me again, I want to feel safe again, and the only way to do
that is to let everyone know the real me. I'll just have to accept the consequences,
whatever they may be." She smiled, and tilted her head to the left a little. "I'm glad you
knew first, though. You make it easier for me to do this. I don't even feel scared right
now, because you're here." He pulled her to him for a quick but fierce hug and whispered
good luck in her ear. She kissed him one more time, then knocked on Mrs. Fleming's
door.
Kate Fleming opened the door and ushered her in as she noticed her son waiting in the
hallway. She was glad to see he'd made a friend that he seemed to care so much about.
She sat in the wing-backed chair next to Jake and waited, letting Jake take the first step.
"I thought I'd just let you read the letter I got today, and then I'd explain everything.
You're probably going to have a lot of questions, and this seems the easiest." She handed
her mother's letter to Mrs. Fleming, her hands surprisingly calm.
She watched Mrs. Fleming's face as she read the brief letter, registering the look of
extreme shock at the opening line, and empathy near the end. Mrs. Fleming finished the
letter and sat silently for a few moments, studying Jake. Or Jacqueline, as the case
seemed to be. The girl across from her was now readily apparent with that last bit of
information, her name.
Jake began to explain her story for the next two hours.
Hamilton was starting to doze off in the hallway when the door finally opened. Jake came
out with his mother, both smiling. "So… what's gonna happen now? Can Jake stay?"
"Honey, no, I'm afraid she can't stay" she said, "well, at least not at Rawley boys."
Jake cut in "I'm moving to Rawley girls tonight – we already talked to the dean by
conference call. He said I could stay!" She threw her arms around him in her excitement.
He hugged her back with just as much enthusiasm, causing his mother to tear up a little.
She'd never seen her Munchie look so happy.
"Well, I bet you both are starving – you haven't eaten all day. Jacqueline, do you want to
join Hamilton and I for dinner?"
Looking at Hamilton, Jake grinned broadly and nodded happily, unable to speak.
******
Hamilton knocked on Jake's door the next morning before crew practice. She barely
cracked the door open to see who was there, then backed away staying behind the door as
he entered her room. He couldn't see her yet when he asked "Hey, are you ready to go
yet? Its almost time…" his words trailed off when he got his first look at her.
"Do you think anyone will have any doubt that I'm a girl?" she asked.
His eyes traveled the whole length of her body several times – a body he'd never seen
before. He marveled at how she could be so athletic looking yet so feminine at the same
time. Her smooth legs and arms were muscular and graceful, like a dancer's, her waist
was small and she sported the best abs he'd ever seen. "She must work out like crazy," he
thought to himself. He continued his visual inspection, taking notice of the strong
shoulders, sleek neck, and finally, small but beautiful breasts displayed perfectly in the
running top she was wearing with matching skintight shorts. The outfit was perfectly
appropriate for a woman to wear for a workout, but right now it seemed to be more erotic
than anything Victoria's Secret had to offer.
"My God, Jake," he whispered, then cleared his throat "You're beautiful – no, beyond
that, is there a better word than beautiful? I can't think of one right now …" she silenced
him with a kiss, smiling like crazy.
"Thank you – the look on your face was the best compliment you could have ever given
me!" she pulled away from him before things could get too intense – they had things to
take care of first.
She put on her Rawley crew sweatshirt, leaving it unzipped, and stepped into her running
shoes. She ran her fingers through her short hair as she looked in the mirror one last time.
She had done her best to make her hair look feminine and for the first time in month she
had put on makeup – just a little mascara and lip gloss. Jacqueline smiled at herself in the
mirror – "Welcome back, " she told her reflection "Its time to meet the rest of Rawley."
They gathered up the bags she had packed last night and headed into the empty hallway.
*******
The JV crew team was gathered on the docks waiting for the rest of their team to arrive.
Some of them were grumbling about Jake and Hamilton being late, again, when Finn
stepped in.
"Jake isn't going to be the coxswain anymore – we have somebody new coming to join
us this morning."
The team looked at him in shock. Will asked, "What happened to Jake? Is he okay?"
Everybody knew that Jake had gotten some bad news yesterday, but nobody had seen
him yet.
"I'll let Jake tell you that hi – umm, Jake will tell you all about it." Finn looked away
from them, trying hard not to smile. This news was going to throw the team for loop just
as it had thrown him when he learned about it last night. He was kind of enjoying their
confusion.
"Here they come, it's about time --- whoa!" Scout just got the first glimpse of the person
with Hamilton who bore a striking resemblance to Jake. As the pair got closer the team
grew quiet and their eyes grew big. More than a few of them had the disturbing thought
Man she's hot flash through their minds as they recognized that Jake was not quite what
they thought.
"Jacqueline, would you like to explain a little about your, um, radical change in
appearance, or do you want me to?" Finn was enjoying this way too much. He was really
struggling not to look at his dumbstruck crew team right now, because he'd burst out
laughing if he could see their faces.
"No, it's okay, I'll do it," she drew in a deep breath, and let it out slowly. She smiled
shyly at them before she started.
"When I started this I was hoping to get caught – I didn't think I'd last more than a
couple days. I figured my mother would have to come back from Europe to deal with her
wayward child, and maybe finally figure out that I'm not just like her. I'm not at all what
she thinks I am – and this was an extreme way to get her to notice that. Only… she didn't
notice. And it doesn't appear she ever will, so it was time to give up the charade."
She looked down at her shoes for a while, deciding how much to tell them. The boys
were silent, mostly from shock.
"I like it here – of all the schools I've been to, this is the only one where I wanted to stay
… for a lot of reasons," she glanced at Hamilton briefly before continuing, " This was
really hard to do, and I couldn't stand having to pretend anymore, so I kind of threw
myself on the mercy of the dean, and he's letting me move over to Rawley girls. I have to
write this humongous paper on gender differences as punishment," she laughed "but I
think I've become a bit of an expert on that!"
"I hope you guys won't be too freaked out – I know its weird and all, but I promise you I
have no gender identity issues like that Boys Don't Cry movie – I'm completely happy
being a girl again!" She grinned and caught Hamilton's eye, making him blush. The rest
of the guys caught the look between them and a series of "Awww, how cute!" came out.
Still blushing herself, Jake got their attention again "So, the rules say the coxswain
doesn't have to be male, so I guess I'm still it. Can we get to work now?"
She grinned wickedly at them, "I have one more thing to say – the one good thing about
being a guy is people would look you in the eye. If you care to keep the family jewels I
suggest that you learn that my eyes are located on my face, not my chest. Now move!"
the sheepish looking crew all turned toward the boat.
Finn interrupted " I'd like to make some shuffles in the boat order before we go –
Hamilton, you need to move to the back of the boat, and everyone else move up one."
"How come?" Hamilton asked.
Finn lowered his voice so only Hamilton could hear "Trust me, when your girlfriend is
sitting right in front of you yelling 'stroke, stroke', you will lose your concentration. I'm
hoping you will survive if you don't have the visual" He clapped him on the back and
sent him on his way. This is going to be an interesting crew season if all my boys develop
a crush on the coxswain he thought.
The End
Author: Sue
E-mail: Ruststar@aol.com
Category: Jake/Ham
Rating: PG -13
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, or the storyline. The lyrics are from
"Honestly OK" by Dido.
Summary: Jake is feeling depressed about her situation and rethinking her motives.
Authors note: I may be the only one but I was not satisfied with the way they handled
Jake's reasons for what she did. The more I thought about it, this story kind of built
around it. This is set after Our Town, but before Kiss and Tell, and its from Jake's POV.
Feedback: Is welcome and desperately needed. I'm still new at this stuff.
*****
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
What was I thinking? Coming here as a boy was the stupidest idea I've come up with yet,
and she still hasn't noticed. Four letters, all on Rawley Boys stationery, and all I have is
proof that she doesn't read my letters.
But, if I'm honest with myself, I recognize that my mother's inattention isn't what's
really bothering me – its him. Those incredible eyes, those hands, I never thought a boy's
lips would be that soft… and I could just kick myself for kissing him like that. I nearly
ruined everything with that stupid, impulsive, GIRLY move – but I can't really regret it
either. Because I felt him kiss me back. It was only a second, but I know he leaned in
towards me for a brief moment, before we both realized what I had done. I never wanted
to be a girl so badly. The fact that I can't is just crushing me right now, but I can't just
announce to Hamilton that I'm a girl. Right now he just thinks I'm a fag, but if I tell him
he'll think I'm a freak.
I came here for a purpose, and I can't give up on it just because I've developed a monster
size crush on the first friend I've had since my mother started shipping me off to these
stupid boarding schools.
If she knew me at all she'd realize that I don't belong in those
stupid all girl boarding schools filled with Muffys and Buffys. How could she have
missed the fact that I'm a total tomboy? Do I look like the type that would enjoy teas and
cotillions? Fluffy white dresses and giggling about boys? Ever since I was little all my
friends were boys, so why didn't she know how lonely I would be? If she saw me more
than twice a year maybe she might have noticed that I'm not the person she thinks I am.
I transferred myself to 5 different schools, hoping they'd be different, but they weren't.
Even the girls names were the same: lots of upper crust kind of girls who laughed at the
way I dressed and made it quite clear that being rich wasn't enough – you had to be old
money to fit in. The daughter of a famous Broadway actress was, in their eyes, half a step
away from a circus performer. People think that males are violent by nature, but I really
think the females of the species have cornered the market on cruelty.
I racked my brain to come up with something outrageous that was guaranteed to get me
kicked out of these stupid dumping grounds the rich call schools. I'm not stupid though –
it had to be something she wouldn't hate me for, and wouldn't come back to bite me in
the ass if I ever wanted to run for congress or something. Doing drugs and getting
pregnant had too many consequences, and its way too trailer park.
We were reading Shakespeare's "As You Like It" in Lit when I got the idea to enroll in a
boy's school. I knew I could look like a boy – I pretty much dress like one unless I'm
going out. I just cut my hair shorter and used one of those chest wraps to keep from
bobbing all over the place. I tried it out a few times in the town near my last school, and I
pulled it off.
It was exhilarating actually – liberating. People treated me totally differently
as a boy than as a girl. It was exciting to know I could pull it off – and I couldn't help but
feel that my mom would be proud of me if I could play this role. It was the part of a
lifetime. I thought that they'd have to call my mother when I got caught – of course I'd
get caught, wouldn't I?
Now that I'm here though, it's starting to wear me down. Living a role is a lot different
than playing one for a few hours. I haven't been able to sleep well since I got here, and I
know I've lost weight. That helped with the illusion, but my feminine side is screaming
to let go. I want to wear nail polish again, and order stuff from Victoria's Secret. It drove
me crazy listening to those girls at my old school clucking like a bunch of hens about
boys and makeup, but right now I kind of miss it, a little. Well, talking about boys more
than anything.
I wish I had someone to talk to about Hamilton.
He blew me off tonight when I asked him to go for a ride – I guess he's afraid to be
around me right now – which just makes the loneliness even worse. He's the only friend I
really have, and he's repulsed by me because he thinks I'm a guy – a gay guy. But if I
hadn't been a guy, he probably never would have talked to me, and I wouldn't have
gotten to know him. I'm confusing myself now – do I want to get caught so my mother
will finally pay attention to who I really am, or do I want to stay here so I can be near
him?
On a different day
If I was safe in my own skin
I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
*******
Jake woke up feeling completely un-refreshed after the fitful night's sleep she had.
She
sat up slowly, trying to work up the motivation to actually get out of bed. Every morning
it was becoming harder to do this simple task, and that fact was starting to worry her. She
spent most of the night mulling over what it was she really wanted to happen with her
situation and came to the depressing conclusion that she wanted it all – she wanted her
mother to finally see her for who she really was, and she wanted Hamilton to know the
same thing, for very different reasons.
Or maybe the reasons weren't so different, they
both boiled down to love, didn't they? Her mother's or Hamilton's, because there was no
way she could have both. To get her mother's attention she'd have to get caught and most
likely expelled, and to get Hamilton's she'd have to reveal her secret only to him – and
she didn't even know if he liked her enough to help her keep her secret.
"Dammit – I spent half the night ruminating about this, and I'm still no closer to an
answer." She got up and began to get ready for another day as Jake. She was just forcing
her hair into that messy "guy" look when she heard a knock at her door. She checked
herself in her mirror to make sure she presentable, and opened the door.
To her complete surprise Hamilton Fleming was on the other side of the door. She
recovered from her shock quickly and greeted him coolly – its not like he hadn't been
completely rude to her the last few days. He answered back with a slightly embarrassed
"Hey" and asked if he could come in. "Be my guest." she said and pushed the door open
wide enough to let him in. "So, what can I do for you?" she asked "I take it you're
speaking to me again?" She looked at him out of the corner of her eye as she shut the
door.
He looked down at the floor and actually shuffled his feet around like a little boy before
he said, "I'm sorry about that, you know, the way I acted the last couple days. It really
wasn't fair, and it wasn't even honest. I hate wrestling, but I guess I was still feeling a
little freaked out about 'stuff'" He grimaced to himself, knowing that was the wrong
thing to say when he saw Jake stiffen up and back away from him.
"Hey, I'm sorry, I know I said everything was cool, and it is, I just needed more time to, I
don't know, adjust." He smiled at Jake, " And to figure out that most of the guys at this
school are really boring, and aren't much fun to hang around with."
Jake laughed - "It took you this long to figure that out? I could have told you that on the
first day!" She grinned broadly, feeling substantially better than she did when she woke
up.
"So, are we still cool?" Hamilton asked, assuming the answer was yes. Jake shrugged in
an offhand way and merely said "Sure, no big deal." She tried very hard not to look
ecstatic that he was talking to her again. To herself she thought * why all the silly
posturing here? If we were both girls we'd just hug and move on*.
For the first time she noticed the letter he was holding in his hand. "What's that?" she
asked.
"God, I almost forgot, my mom said this came for you by registered mail yesterday. She
asked me to give it to you since she knew we have class together this morning." He
handed the brown envelope over to Jake.
Jake looked completely puzzled until she saw
the letter was addressed to "J. Pratt" – a dead giveaway that it was from Consuela, the
housekeeper at her home in New York. She smiled and tore into the letter right then.
There was a note from Consuela surrounding a thick, cream-colored envelope.
" Dear Jacqueline, Your mother asked me to send this letter on to you since she didn't
know the address of your current school. I'm so sorry that she didn't give you her news in
person, but she wasn't able to get away from the production for more than 2 days. I hope
you'll be willing to forgive her. Love, C."
Totally confused Jake opened the letter from her mother. A picture fell out to the floor,
fluttering down around Hamilton's feet. He bent down and picked up the picture –
"Whoa, Jake, is this your mom? She's a knockout! Who's the guy?" He asked and
handed the picture over.
"I have no idea, because I didn't get to see it yet," she pointed out to him, taking the
picture from his hand. She smiled when she looked at her mother, because he was right
she looked absolutely beautiful – except for the creepy-looking European guy with his
arm around her. Confused she opened up the letter that was in the envelope. It was only
one page – just a few lines written in delicate, flowing script:
"Jacqueline darling, I just wanted to let you know about my good news – Paolo and I
were married today in Italy—"
"MARRIED?????" Jake roared – "Who the hell is Paolo?" She started storming back and
forth across her room cursing to herself –"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!!!!" She didn't even
bother to read the rest of the letter – just let it fall to the floor as she grabbed her bike
keys and her helmet.
"I have to get out of here – will you tell Finn I'm sick or something? If I look at that
picture again, I will be anyway, so it's not really a lie." Her eyes begged Hamilton to
agree without asking questions.
He could see tears starting to form in Jake's eyes before
he glanced away to let the guy save some face. "Of course, man, whatever you need…"
Jake was already out the door before he could finish. He sat down on the edge of Jake's
bed, shocked and concerned for Jake – did his mother really just marry some complete
stranger without even telling him? "That's so cold," he thought. He was just about to get
up and go look for Jake when he noticed the letter on the floor. Curiosity caused him to
peek at what his mother had actually said – and the first two words froze him in his
tracks.
"Jacqueline? Darling? What the fuck?"
********
"Jacqueline, Darling …," the first two words of the letter from Jake's mother made things
so much clearer. He liked the sound of the name, Jacqueline; it kind of rolled off the
tongue, smooth as velvet. As soon as he put that name with Jake's face, so many things
had just clicked – the smooth, perfect skin that never had to shave. The small hands,
small frame, the layers of clothing despite the heat, the kiss… Oh yeah. He smiled widely
when he thought of that kiss. For the first time he could really admit to himself how much
he had liked the feel of Jake's lips, and accept the fact that he couldn't stop thinking
about him/her. That's why he had been avoiding spending time with Jake, even though he
preferred Jake's company to anyone else's. Now that he knew her real name he could
recall every minute that they'd spent together and examine it in a whole new context.
Everything seemed right with the world again – oops.
"You complete jerk!" he berated himself, "She just got the worst news of her life, and
you're sitting here feeling relieved that you're not gay! Asshole, she probably needs you
right now, so what the fuck are you doing still sitting here?"
Hamilton decided to skip Finn's class and ran straight to the place he was pretty sure
she'd be. He hoped he could catch her before she could actually get her bike out of the
hiding place he'd showed her. He couldn't help but smile to himself – he was getting
such a kick out of putting a feminine pro-noun with everything in reference to Jake.
When he neared the bushes near the lake he made a sharp right into an almost invisible
opening in the foliage. He found her sitting next to her bike with her arms wrapped
around her legs and her forehead resting on her knees. She looked so fragile she made his
heart break.
There was no way to silently enter the hiding spot, so he couldn't really be unobtrusive.
"Jake, are you okay?" He asked softly. Jake's red-rimmed eyes when she lifted her head
answered that question. She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it when it was clear
she wouldn't be able to say anything without the tears starting again. She looked
absolutely miserable, so he instinctively pulled her towards him for a hug. At first she
resisted, but then she just gave in because she needed the physical comfort. She fit so
perfectly in his arms as she relaxed against him – it crossed his mind that the happiest
moment in his life had to be the saddest one for her. That thought forced him to speak.
"Jacqueline, I'm so sorry this happened to you, I…"
"What did you call me?" she cut in, pulling away from his embrace. She eyed him warily.
Even after the draining tension of the last hour she still conjured up enough energy for
self-preservation. Her eyes appeared to be searching his for signs of – what, anger?
Hostility? Insincerity? She looked scared, but also prepared to fight like hell if
threatened.
He smiled and said "I called you by your real name, don't you recognize it?" He reached
for her hands and she cautiously let him take them in his own. As he looked down at her
hands he remarked softly "I don't know how I could have missed it," He looked back up
at her through his eyelashes, "You are the most incredible girl I've ever been this close
to." She smiled, even though she appeared to be trying to prevent it.
She spoke in a slightly hoarse voice that was till higher than her Jake voice and asked
"So, are you angry with me or not, because I really don't have the emotional energy to
deal with another scene right now." She bit her lower lip in anticipation as she waited for
an answer.
"Angry? Hell no, I'm so incredibly, amazingly relieved and overjoyed! When I put that
name with the face that I kept dreaming about I felt like doing cartwheels or something
stupid like that. If anybody had seen me I probably would have had the goofiest grin on
my face…"
"Wait, you were dreaming about me?" she asked, the start of a genuine smile playing
across her face.
"All the time. That's why it was so hard to be around you – I wasn't quite prepared to
have those kinds of feelings for a guy, you know?" He bit his lip "I suppose I could be
angry that you made me think I was turning gay, but… its kind of hard to be mad when
you feel this happy." Again he was reminded that she had every reason in the world to
not feel happy right now, and he looked her over to check the emotional barometer. She
seemed much calmer, and her eyes were clearer, but she still looked liked somebody
killed her puppy.
"I know you must feel awful about your mom's news – is there anything I can do to
help?"
"Yeah," she whispered, as she pulled him closer, "YOU can kiss ME this time". He was
happy to oblige. Her lips were just as soft as he remembered, and the kiss felt as good as
he'd dreamed. He opened his mouth just a little, to test the waters, and he was surprised
when she hungrily accepted more passionate kisses. He pulled her in as close as he could,
wrapping his arms around her tightly, and she placed her hands behind his head. They
stayed locked in an embrace for what seemed like forever, until Jake finally pulled back.
"I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't shown up. I had all kinds of
ridiculous ideas running through my head. None of them would have really made me feel
better, but it did feel good to think about." She smiled ruefully, "I suppose you're
probably wondering by now why I was doing this whole charade."
"Well, I was curious, but you can tell me whenever you're ready to." He pantomimed
begging and pleading, finally getting a laugh out of her, and a full-wattage smile. "God,
she's beautiful when she smiles, how on earth did I miss that?" he thought to himself.
She sat on the ground and patted the spot next to her "Pull up a chair, we could be here a
while." She told him about growing up with a famous mother who was never there, about
never knowing who her father was, and about being sent to boarding schools when her
mother started a play in Europe last year. When she talked about not fitting in with the
girls at those schools Hamilton completely understood how she felt. Growing up at a
boarding school put him in the lonely position of Townie/Rich kid when he was really
neither, so he didn't fit in on either side. He'd been home-schooled so he never made
friends with the kids in town, and until this year he was too young for the kids at Rawley.
She explained that this stunt she pulled was intended to get her expelled – a situation that
would force her mother to come back from Europe and deal with her. Unfortunately, her
mother didn't know where she was, despite the obvious trail she'd left and all the clues
she'd sent. Her mother just didn't care enough to find out how she was doing, or for that
matter to even tell her she was planning on marrying somebody.
She looked about ready
to break into tears again when she described how much she was ready to end this whole
charade, but she had no real home to go to. Getting expelled would make enrolling
somewhere else impossible, but she couldn't take staying here as a boy. And she certainly
couldn't keep the act up for 3 more years of high school. Transferring to another girl's
school just made her even more depressed.
"This is the first school I actually liked. I don't want to leave, but it's tearing me apart
having to be somebody else every day. You don't know how hard it was to see you and
not tell you…" her eyes did fill up with tears at this point, so he pulled her head down to
his shoulder as he wiped the tears from her cheeks.
"You won't get expelled – it's not like you cheated, did drugs, or killed somebody. If I
have anything to say about it you will not get kicked out of here. There's absolutely no
reason you couldn't go to the girls school." He held her tighter, as though he didn't want
to ever let her go.
"Hamilton – I don't think they're gonna ask for your input – you're the dean's son, but
not the dean." She looked defeated. "I just want to be able to be myself again, more than
anything in the world."
"I may not be the dean, but I have a lot of pull with someone who has power over the
dean – his wife. I think if we went to her, together, and explained your situation, she
could convince him to let you stay. Like I said before, other than misrepresenting who
you are, you didn't do anything that would have normally gotten someone expelled."
"Hacking into their computer database to change school records isn't an expellable
offense?" she looked doubtful. He bit his lip and mulled that over – "Well, you'd
probably have to be willing to take whatever kind of punishment they threw at you for
that one, but no, I really don't think they'll expel you for that. Besides I don't think my
mother would let him expel my best friend – the first real friend I've ever had." He
looked away from her, embarrassed at that admission.
"Ditto," she said quietly, " you are the main reason I don't want to leave Rawley." He
caught her eye then, and they just looked at each other for a while. He wanted to be able
to make everything okay for her, because he needed her just as much as she needed him.
" So, what should I do? Mr. Well-Connected? What's the next step?" She looked at him
expectantly.
"Well, my mom's probably in her office right now, but she gets really distracted when
she's working. My Dad won't be getting back from Boston until later tonight, so it'll be
just her and me for dinner. If I brought a friend over…we could talk to her then. She's
probably been dying to meet you by now anyway." He smiled, a blushing a little. " She
asked about you a couple of times, I guess she noticed that we hung around together a
lot."
"Most mom's would notice those kinds of things – at least, I think they do," she said
ruefully. She smiled at him, and then leaned over to kiss him on the cheek quickly before
standing up. They'd been sitting for several hours, and she needed to move around. They
agreed to meet at 6 near his house for dinner, and headed out of the hiding place and
towards the dorms. They were careful not to touch, but were not as successful about
looking at each other, so they weren't really looking around them.
"Where the hell have you two been all day – do you plan on making a habit of truancy
Mr. Fleming? Mr. Pratt?" Finn asked, appearing out of nowhere.
"Well, where have you two been all day when you were supposed to be in my class?"
Finn demanded. "You've had your mother worried to death – she was about ready to send
out a search party," he added with a touch of concern in his voice. One look at Jake's red
eyes told him that the boy had been crying, and Finn was truly baffled by their
disappearing act for the day.
"I'm sorry Finn, but Jake got some really bad news from home today, and …"
"And I don't want to share it with anyone else just yet, so can we go?" Jake asked
angrily. She was extremely uncomfortable by the visual scrutiny she was getting from
Finn.
"Disappearing isn't the answer either young man," Finn said, his tone considerably
softened. Jake looked like he was in real pain, so he forgave him the insolent tone. "If
you need someone to talk to, and you're not comfortable with me, would you be willing
to talk to Mrs. Fleming? She's kind of the unofficial counselor here, as well as the dean's
wife and a teacher."
Jake and Hamilton just looked at each other and tried not to burst into nervous laughter.
"That's actually where we were heading when you stopped us," said Hamilton,
improvising. They'd have to change their plans a little. Jake just looked at the ground and
tried to imagine large holes opening up in the earth to swallow her up. She felt she'd lost
control, like she was nearing the top of a roller coaster that was just about to drop. All she
wanted at that moment was to get away from Finn. She needed more time to think.
"Yeah, I just needed to go to my room for a couple things first – is that okay?" she held
her breath, waiting for his response.
"You go on ahead, Jake, I just need to speak to Hamilton for a moment." She nodded
quickly, and practically ran away from them up towards the dorms. Hamilton, trapped,
tried to smooth things over "He was really upset today, I couldn't just leave him, and he
didn't want to talk to anyone. Didn't even want to tell me, but I happened to be there
when he got the news. I hope you can understand why we missed classes today, I mean,
sometimes helping out a friend will have to take priority." He looked at Finn steadily, not
wanting to back down. He'd never really stood up to an authority figure before, and it felt
good to be doing it for Jake, kind of… noble.
Finn sighed, "I understand – Jake does seem extremely upset. Just don't do it again. I
mean, if a situation like this happens again, let somebody know. You guys had people
worried. I'll stop by your mom's office to let her know you're okay. Why don't you go
see of you can keep him company before he talks to her?"
Hamilton was halfway up the hill in a heartbeat.
****
One hour later, Jake and Hamilton arrived at his mother's office.
"Are you sure you want to do this Jake? You don't have to, you know, we could figure
something out. I wouldn't care if everyone thought I was gay – I just want to be around
you. Or - maybe I could get my parents to send me wherever you transfer to?"
She placed a finger on his lips, and then stroked his cheek softly – "Thank you. But I
need to do this. I want to be me again, I want to feel safe again, and the only way to do
that is to let everyone know the real me. I'll just have to accept the consequences,
whatever they may be." She smiled, and tilted her head to the left a little. "I'm glad you
knew first, though. You make it easier for me to do this. I don't even feel scared right
now, because you're here." He pulled her to him for a quick but fierce hug and whispered
good luck in her ear. She kissed him one more time, then knocked on Mrs. Fleming's
door.
Kate Fleming opened the door and ushered her in as she noticed her son waiting in the
hallway. She was glad to see he'd made a friend that he seemed to care so much about.
She sat in the wing-backed chair next to Jake and waited, letting Jake take the first step.
"I thought I'd just let you read the letter I got today, and then I'd explain everything.
You're probably going to have a lot of questions, and this seems the easiest." She handed
her mother's letter to Mrs. Fleming, her hands surprisingly calm.
She watched Mrs. Fleming's face as she read the brief letter, registering the look of
extreme shock at the opening line, and empathy near the end. Mrs. Fleming finished the
letter and sat silently for a few moments, studying Jake. Or Jacqueline, as the case
seemed to be. The girl across from her was now readily apparent with that last bit of
information, her name.
Jake began to explain her story for the next two hours.
Hamilton was starting to doze off in the hallway when the door finally opened. Jake came
out with his mother, both smiling. "So… what's gonna happen now? Can Jake stay?"
"Honey, no, I'm afraid she can't stay" she said, "well, at least not at Rawley boys."
Jake cut in "I'm moving to Rawley girls tonight – we already talked to the dean by
conference call. He said I could stay!" She threw her arms around him in her excitement.
He hugged her back with just as much enthusiasm, causing his mother to tear up a little.
She'd never seen her Munchie look so happy.
"Well, I bet you both are starving – you haven't eaten all day. Jacqueline, do you want to
join Hamilton and I for dinner?"
Looking at Hamilton, Jake grinned broadly and nodded happily, unable to speak.
******
Hamilton knocked on Jake's door the next morning before crew practice. She barely
cracked the door open to see who was there, then backed away staying behind the door as
he entered her room. He couldn't see her yet when he asked "Hey, are you ready to go
yet? Its almost time…" his words trailed off when he got his first look at her.
"Do you think anyone will have any doubt that I'm a girl?" she asked.
His eyes traveled the whole length of her body several times – a body he'd never seen
before. He marveled at how she could be so athletic looking yet so feminine at the same
time. Her smooth legs and arms were muscular and graceful, like a dancer's, her waist
was small and she sported the best abs he'd ever seen. "She must work out like crazy," he
thought to himself. He continued his visual inspection, taking notice of the strong
shoulders, sleek neck, and finally, small but beautiful breasts displayed perfectly in the
running top she was wearing with matching skintight shorts. The outfit was perfectly
appropriate for a woman to wear for a workout, but right now it seemed to be more erotic
than anything Victoria's Secret had to offer.
"My God, Jake," he whispered, then cleared his throat "You're beautiful – no, beyond
that, is there a better word than beautiful? I can't think of one right now …" she silenced
him with a kiss, smiling like crazy.
"Thank you – the look on your face was the best compliment you could have ever given
me!" she pulled away from him before things could get too intense – they had things to
take care of first.
She put on her Rawley crew sweatshirt, leaving it unzipped, and stepped into her running
shoes. She ran her fingers through her short hair as she looked in the mirror one last time.
She had done her best to make her hair look feminine and for the first time in month she
had put on makeup – just a little mascara and lip gloss. Jacqueline smiled at herself in the
mirror – "Welcome back, " she told her reflection "Its time to meet the rest of Rawley."
They gathered up the bags she had packed last night and headed into the empty hallway.
*******
The JV crew team was gathered on the docks waiting for the rest of their team to arrive.
Some of them were grumbling about Jake and Hamilton being late, again, when Finn
stepped in.
"Jake isn't going to be the coxswain anymore – we have somebody new coming to join
us this morning."
The team looked at him in shock. Will asked, "What happened to Jake? Is he okay?"
Everybody knew that Jake had gotten some bad news yesterday, but nobody had seen
him yet.
"I'll let Jake tell you that hi – umm, Jake will tell you all about it." Finn looked away
from them, trying hard not to smile. This news was going to throw the team for loop just
as it had thrown him when he learned about it last night. He was kind of enjoying their
confusion.
"Here they come, it's about time --- whoa!" Scout just got the first glimpse of the person
with Hamilton who bore a striking resemblance to Jake. As the pair got closer the team
grew quiet and their eyes grew big. More than a few of them had the disturbing thought
Man she's hot flash through their minds as they recognized that Jake was not quite what
they thought.
"Jacqueline, would you like to explain a little about your, um, radical change in
appearance, or do you want me to?" Finn was enjoying this way too much. He was really
struggling not to look at his dumbstruck crew team right now, because he'd burst out
laughing if he could see their faces.
"No, it's okay, I'll do it," she drew in a deep breath, and let it out slowly. She smiled
shyly at them before she started.
"When I started this I was hoping to get caught – I didn't think I'd last more than a
couple days. I figured my mother would have to come back from Europe to deal with her
wayward child, and maybe finally figure out that I'm not just like her. I'm not at all what
she thinks I am – and this was an extreme way to get her to notice that. Only… she didn't
notice. And it doesn't appear she ever will, so it was time to give up the charade."
She looked down at her shoes for a while, deciding how much to tell them. The boys
were silent, mostly from shock.
"I like it here – of all the schools I've been to, this is the only one where I wanted to stay
… for a lot of reasons," she glanced at Hamilton briefly before continuing, " This was
really hard to do, and I couldn't stand having to pretend anymore, so I kind of threw
myself on the mercy of the dean, and he's letting me move over to Rawley girls. I have to
write this humongous paper on gender differences as punishment," she laughed "but I
think I've become a bit of an expert on that!"
"I hope you guys won't be too freaked out – I know its weird and all, but I promise you I
have no gender identity issues like that Boys Don't Cry movie – I'm completely happy
being a girl again!" She grinned and caught Hamilton's eye, making him blush. The rest
of the guys caught the look between them and a series of "Awww, how cute!" came out.
Still blushing herself, Jake got their attention again "So, the rules say the coxswain
doesn't have to be male, so I guess I'm still it. Can we get to work now?"
She grinned wickedly at them, "I have one more thing to say – the one good thing about
being a guy is people would look you in the eye. If you care to keep the family jewels I
suggest that you learn that my eyes are located on my face, not my chest. Now move!"
the sheepish looking crew all turned toward the boat.
Finn interrupted " I'd like to make some shuffles in the boat order before we go –
Hamilton, you need to move to the back of the boat, and everyone else move up one."
"How come?" Hamilton asked.
Finn lowered his voice so only Hamilton could hear "Trust me, when your girlfriend is
sitting right in front of you yelling 'stroke, stroke', you will lose your concentration. I'm
hoping you will survive if you don't have the visual" He clapped him on the back and
sent him on his way. This is going to be an interesting crew season if all my boys develop
a crush on the coxswain he thought.
The End