Ruthless Killer
[A/N: This is another lil' character monologue, from Rachel's POV in my Character Sketches series of monologues. (Yeah, I KNOW I do a lot of Rachel writing.]
My name is Rachel.
I'm a ruthless killer.
And I know that my teammates know that.
It's there, in the way they shrink back from me after every battle, in the way that Marco teases me, half seriously about being Xena: Warrior Princess, in the way that Cassie never speaks to me about this war because she's afraid of becoming me.
Me.
I'm her best friend.
Can't you understand that, Cassie?
I'm your best friend.
And she's still afraid of me. Of becoming what I am. Who I am.
A ruthless killer.
I remember, when this whole war began, once, I told you that I fought because, and I quote, "Because this whole thing is about being involved in something important. I mean, I'm not one of those morons who is into fighting just for cheap thrills."
Slam dunk, Rachel. That's exactly what I am. I'm a moron who's into fighting, just for cheap thrills. And you know what? I know it, Jake knows it, Tobias knows it, Cassie knows it, Ax knows it, and even Marco knows it.
I think it was Jake who summed it up best, with his hypocritical, "Look, Rachel, we each have our own strengths and weaknesses."
And then he sent me off to do the dirty work for him.
Is that all I am, to the others? Their little servant, to do the dirty work for them? To do the killing, and the rest of it, just because they don't want to do it, and they think, Oh, hey, Rachel gets thrills out of it, so she can do the dirty work for us?
I know there's something dark inside of me. I've seen it two times, clearly, sharply, like a camera in focus.
The first time?
When David had attacked the others, and I thought that Tobias was dead, and Jake was dead. And I wasn't even sure about Cassie and Marco.
I felt a cold, hard anger within me.
You know in novels, when they say that anger is hot, and so on? They're wrong.
For me, anger is cold. Sharp and cold, like a razor blade. Cold and hard. And then you can turn that anger on your enemy, and use that "razor blade" to cut him open, and kill him.
Second time.
When Drode offered me a deal, Crayak's protection in exchange for Jake's life.
And I realized this all powerful creature, perverted as he was, cruel and ruthless, wanted me as his servant.
Me.
Mom, did you ever dream that your sweet little daughter who loved to shove Jake in the sandbox, and play dolls with Cassie and mess with your lipstick could ever be offered a job by Crayak?
Dad, did you ever dream that your daughter who loved gymnastics and kicking soccer balls around and teasing her younger sisters would ever be asked to kill her cousin?
Jordan, Sara, do you ever look at me, and see something beyond your annoying older sister, and see what I truly am?
Sometimes I think that they can see it. How I've changed.
And I hope with all my heart that they never do.
You know, the others think that I'm the calm one, the one that's in control, and totally unafraid. They're wrong.
I've got problems, and insecurities, just like everyone else.
But can I show them? No.
Why? Because I'm supposed to be the one who says, "Let's do it!" and "I'm in!" and does all the reckless stuff. Xena: Warrior Princess.
Just the same way that Marco is supposed to say, "This is insane!" and whine all the way, and the same way that Ax will always say Yes, Prince Jake.
Stupid routines. But they're what keep us sane. What keep the total terror and fear from cracking through our facades, and make us blow our cover, what keep us able go kill Yeerks and Taxxons and Hork-Bajir, then go home, and worry about whether A should equal B if you multiply it by C, or whether it should equal D, and normal stuff. Algebra homework, and dating, and whether some guy asks you to the dance, and your asparagus that you sneak back under your mom's eyes into the trash.
And I'm the one with the strongest cover.
But you know, there are times I wish I could just leave it all behind, and have a normal life with my mom and my dad, and my two sisters, and have a total TV family.
Like Home Improvement, when Tim will buy something with "more power", and wreck the house, and Jill gets mad at him, and then they make up, after Tim talks to Wilson. Predictable. Real.
When I was little, I used to play at Jake's house, where he and Marco, being typical guys, would play with these little action figures of Wolverine and Superman, and Spiderman, and Batman, and whatever. I'm not a real superhero expert, but they're all so, well, superheroesque. You know what I mean.
Like Batman faces the Joker, and wins, or Superman kicks Lex Luthor's butt, or whatever. Simple. And they never have blood in the animated series. It's just all "oof" and "agh" and "ow" when they get kicked or punched.
They don't scream in rage and terror and fear, when the enemy slashes one of their arteries, and the blood is covering the floor, and . . . .
They can't do all that rage and terror and fear. Because of the PG 13 rating, or whatever. 'Cause then, little kids would get nightmares.
You know what, kid? It's all fake.
Real battles, real wars? They aren't all glory. That's just bull that your parents made up for your bedtime story, or that your history book says, to glorify your country.
Right.
You know, someday, if we ever win this war, and we can expose who we are, I'm willing to bet we'd be in history books.
There's a nice image.
"These five children fought a war against the alien invaders, for the sake of their country, and fellowmen."
Yeah, right.
I can just picture it.
Reporter: "Miss Rachel, why did you decide to fight this war?"
Me: "Well, I was in it for the cheap thrills!"
Really. I mean, I know that's why I'm in this war. For the cheap thrills.
But seriously, in the history books, it'd go like this.
"Marco courageously sacrificed his own mother for the sake of this war. Jake decided to enter this war, for the sake of his brother. Cassie did it for the sake of all those human prisoners. Aximili did it because it was his duty. Tobias did it because he felt like it was the right thing to do. And Rachel? Rachel did it for the thrill she could get from every single fight, the thrill from slicing a Hork-Bajir open, and the thrill from fighting in the most reckless way she could."
Maybe they'll even say, "Rachel was too selfish to let Tobias be what he was, a hawk."
You know, I know I'm being selfish to Tobias.
I know I should let him be whatever he wants to be.
I know all that. That what's on the outside doesn't matter, that looks aren't important, yadda yadda. But you know, it does matter. It matters so much to me . . . .
I need the normality in my life. I need to be able to smile at Tobias, and hold his hand, and look into eyes that don't glitter with a fierce intensity. I need to be able to introduce him to my mom, and hear my sisters tease him, go to dates without having to keep looking at the clock, and be able to kiss him. I need all that.
I mean, you can't go without all that.
Sometimes, on TV, they say, "Oh, life's so boring around here. Same old, same old."
Please.
Or as Marco would say, "Puh-lease."
Give me a break.
Same old, same old? I envy you.
You don't have to wake up every morning, and wonder if you'll be alive that night to go to bed.
You don't have to go to sleep every night, and hear the screams of someone trapped in another body, inside your head.
You don't jolt up in bed, bathed in sweat, trying not to scream because then your mom and sisters will hear you.
You don't feel the sick rage inside of you, every time someone disses you in the slightest way.
You can't.
Because no matter how hard you try to imagine, you'll never be able to understand.
You'll never be able to imagine what I am. Who I am. What I've become.
A girl who envies her teammate for being able to be ruthless, and see past to the goal.
A girl who envies her teammate for having a shield of "honor" to protect him from the guilt.
A girl who hates her best friend for being afraid of her.
A girl who's so selfish, that she can't even accept the decision of the boy that she loves.
A girl who can't stand the fact that her cousin knows who and what she is, then uses her for that.
A girl who's become so sick, that she fights for the thrills.
A ruthless killer.
[A/N: Well? Liked it, loved it, hated it? Send any and all replies to me at anifuture@hotmail.com. And take a look at my webpage, at http://anifuture.hypermart.net.]