Disclaimers and Stuff:
*Author's ass covering statement* I don't own Fruits Basket or any of the characters. Resemblances to any Fruits Basket characters are completely noncoincidental. But seriously, I do own the story written here. This was written out of love and respect for the series and hatred of most of it's fan fiction so please don't sue this poor grad student's tooshi.

This fic is a parody of all the badly written KyouxYuki yaoi fics out there and bad yaoi fics in general (I admit to not reading more than a few excerpts from FB fics because I hate the usual yaoi pairings). At least, that's how the fic started. I tried to apply cliché plot devices, but eventually I started writing original. I even tried writing with poor spelling and grammar, but I can't manage to make more than a few errors per page. I'm a total failure, but at least I'm having fun!

Warnings for this chapter: Death of innocent animals, yaoi, OOC, lack of a beta, and blatantly bad and overused plot devices
Future additional Warnings: Death of main characters, yuri, and more blatantly bad and overused plot devices

Couples: YukixKyou,
Furture Couples: TouruxHanaxUo and possibly ShigurexAyame

Just Another Normal Day

It was another typical day in the Souma household. Shigure was reading smut at the table and asking every five minutes if dinner was ready to Touru, who was cooking in the kitchen. The boys, Kyou and Yuki, were well…

"Baka neko, watch where you're going!"
"It's not my fault you were in my way, kuso nezumi!"
"You're always in *my* way. Why don't you just move out already!"
"Why don't you just run back to the main house and play with Akito!"
"Why you…. God, I hate you!"
"I double hate you!"
"I triple hate you times two!"
"I hate you times infinity!"
"I hate you times infinity divided by zero!" yelled Yuki, starting to sweat a little after all his shouting. As for Kyou, the blood vessels in his head were already set to explode.

Meanwhile, Shigure smiled behind the cover of his "Year 2001 Best of Girls in Sailor Fuku" book, listening to the whole thing. The boys never stopped fighting, but he knew it was all a ruse. Suddenly, an evil thought came to him and he smirked as he silently tiptoed unnoticed behind Kyou, who was standing in the doorway to the hall. Hidden behind the corner, Yuki couldn't see Shigure as he whispered, "I love you" into Kyou's ear.

"I love you!" screamed Kyou.
"I love you squared times infinity, divided by zero cubed!" shouted Yuki right back.

It took a moment for what they said to finally sink into their rage enveloped brains. Shigure chose that moment of confusion to materialize from behind the corner, "it's about time you two came out with it," he chuckled as clasped both Kyou and Yuki's shoulders. "Now what are you going to do about it? If you need some help for ideas, I have plenty of reference material back in my study." That said, he smiled to himself and scurried off to watch the outcome from a safe distance.

Kyou was confused. Did Yuki really feel that way about him? If Yuki denied it now, Kyou would have to jump from the tallest mountain into the deepest for he wouldn't be able to live any longer. "You, you didn't really mean what you said, right?" he asked as nonchalantly as he could, but couldn't completely hide the torrent of psychedelically colored feelings in his expression, however.

"I uh.." Yuki's face first paled and then flushed bright red. Kyou thought Yuki had never looked so beautiful as he did now. It was as if a goddess descended from heaven to give him a private strip show. "I'm not sure. What about you, huh? Did you mean what you said?"

"Are you kidding? I only said that because of Shigure. I was going to say I, I," Kyou could no longer pretend. When he said that it was Shigure's fault, Yuki's face had fallen. It looked like his heart had plummeted to the floor and Kyou was squeezing the last drop of life from it with the sole of his foot. He couldn't bear to see Yuki hurt so. It felt like his own heart was being crushed beneath his feet. Blood flowing to his face, he crossed his arms and looked away from Yuki, unwilling to watch Yuki's reaction. "I, I love you." There, he had said it. He couldn't believe it actually came out of his mouth of his own free will. Extremely embarrassed, Kyou blushed lobster red from head to toe, and fled to his room.

Yuki was shocked, angry, and yet at the same time, the happiest he'd ever been in his entire life. The sun had never shined and the birds had never sung before this moment. He felt like climbing to the roof of the tallest building and singing Frank Sonatra at the top of his lungs. After reveling in absolute bliss for several minutes and prancing about the hallway, he chased after Kyou and stormed into his room.

"Kyou." The name escaped his lips like a sakura petal descended from the tree in April. "I, I," he had to say it! Why was it so hard to say it? Dropping his head, Yuki whispered, "I love you too, Kyou. Ever since the first time I kicked your ass, I've wanted to be inside it."

Kyou was sitting in the corner of his room facing the wall and looking through books about the tallest, most deadly mountains with the deepest, most deadly rapids beneath them. At Yuki's declaration of undying love, he suddenly whipped around and stared at him in shock. "You do? All this time, you've loved me?" He leapt from the floor and flung the book in his hand out the window, which then landed on a bird, abruptly killing it. "What about Touru? All this time you have been brownnosing her for affections."

"Don't you understand, my dear, beautiful, darling Kyou?" Yuki pleaded as he spun arms outstretch in a circle with a flourish. Yuki's face held the most precious of smiles, which was for his Kyou alone. He glided over to Kyou, wrapped his arms around him and whispered in his ear, "I was only using her to make you Jealous. I never liked her. She's mediocrity at it's finest, completely clueless, and has some pschycological disorder with her mother obsession. How could *I*, Prince Yuki, ever fall for someone like that." With his final sentence, Yuki released Kyou and spun around the room yet again with a dramatic flare.

Kyou could still feel Yuki's hot breath in his ear. The entire time, his heart felt as if it was going to leap from his chest and stain Yuki's clothes. "I never liked her either," he spat. "She can't even throw a decent punch. I was using her just like you. That damn bitch! Just whom does she take us for!"

"You're right," Yuki said as love-filled visage was replaced with an evil smirk. "We need to get rid of her. She's only in our way. But first, there's some ass I want to do more than just kicking to," Yuki growled out as he proceeded to tear Kyou's clothes off and toss them out the window, causing them to land on top of the book which lay atop the squashed dead bird.

TBC…
if I feel like it. I already know what happens, so I'm in no rush to continue. Please post comments, good or bad (although flames are subject to public stoning and possibly tar and feathering) and constructive criticisms if this fic tantalizes your entertainment nerves in any way.