Author Note:
Random: Hey!
Hikaru: We know what all of you are thinking!
Kaoru: Why is she starting ANOTHER story when she has like three other stories out and unfinished?
Random: Well, it's because Where It Began is coming to an end. So I figured I would just put this out there to see how all you like it! I don't think I'll continue this until I'm finished with Where It Began so it's on hiatus till then. :)
Hikaru: WARNINGS: Self inflicted pain, sadness, self hate, language, more sadness. Very sad fic...
Kaoru: DISCLAIMER: Random does not own the BTR boys!
Random: I honestly have no idea where this came from. So yeah...enjoy! And tell me what you think in a review! If you like it I might add another chapter sooner.
Kendall seriously didn't want to be here. You're probably wondering why. Well, it's because James and Carlos were sharing the same lounge chair and were currently sucking each others' face off. Now you're probably wondering why Kendall wouldn't want to be there. That one was easy. He was in love with James. So now, the question is, why would James be flaunting his relationship with Carlos in front of Kendall if he knew that? Thing is, no one knew that little piece of information.
So, here he was, lounging around the Palms Woods pool, wanting nothing more than to find a razor and end it all.
Yup. That's what it seemed to have come to.
It hadn't started that way. At first, Kendall'd been perfectly fine with loving James from afar, because he thought he had no chance, James was straight. He would get over it eventually. But then, James and Carlos had decided to come out together and tell everyone that they had been dating for the better part of three months.
That was the first blow.
Can you imagine how much it hurt to find out that the best friend you've been in love with for over two years, was in fact gay too and dating another one of your best friends? That you had a chance, but realize that if he'd liked you back, you'd be the one coming out with him? James didn't want him. Even when Kendall did have a chance, James would have still not have wanted him. Now in all fairness, no one knew that Kendall wanted James, but no one knew that Carlos had wanted James either. So really, it still was the same. James didn't want him period. And that hurt, more then he can possibly describe.
When they came out, he'd acted supportive and understanding, gave them the normal 'You're still the same person' speech. When really all he wanted to do was burst into heart wrenching sobs, but Kendall Knight didn't do that. He was strong, showed no weakness, didn't burden others with his problems, so he locked those feelings away and smiled. Because honestly, he was happy for them, he wanted them to be happy, even if it prevented him from being happy too. His mom was supportive too, giving the ol' 'I'll always love you like a son' speech and topping it off with a hug and kiss to the forehead.
Then came the second blow.
He'd decided, since James and Carlos came out and his mom had taken it so well, that he would come out as well. And that's what he did two day's later. Although, he didn't want to tell his mom the same time he told the guys and Katie. It was his mom, she should know first. He sat her down and told her, but instead of the loving supportive mother James and Carlos got he got a 'Did James and Carlos influence this?'. He'd been utterly confused, explaining to her that he'd known it since the seventh grade (leaving out the part that he was deeply in love with James) and Carlos and James had nothing to do with it (which was true, he learned he was gay, before he learned he was in love with James).
She'd stared at him blankly, then turned away and said the words that started the downward spiral of his life. "You are no longer my son. You're dead to me. I'm not going to kick you out, but I will no longer acknowledge you are even here. Good bye Kendall." And she walked out without a backward glance. Apparently it was okay, as long as it wasn't her son.
He'd wanted to cry then too, but he didn't. 'Cause that's not what he does. But recently, he wasn't sure who he was anymore.
The final blow was when he realized he had no one to talk to.
His mom wanted nothing to do with him, Logan was wrapped up in Camille, James was wrapped up in Carlos and Carlos wrapped up in James, Katie was too young, and Jo…he didn't even know anymore. She'd changed since the move back. She wasn't the Jo that left three years ago. He had truly loved her and probably would have been able to live a happy life with her, but not anymore.
You're probably thinking, why doesn't he just tell the guys anyway? Well like he said before. Logan was wrapped up in Camille. Nothing could faze that. And if he told James and Carlos, he just knew he'd mess up and spill that he was in love with James. And that could pan out in very different directions.
One: James likes him back. Consequences: He loses Carlos.
Two: James completely rejects him, but is okay with it. Consequences: Awkward friendship with both Carlos and James. And in his current state of mind, the rejection would kill him.
Three: James completely rejects and hates him. Consequences: He loses both and it'd kill him.
Four: James likes him, Carlos is fine with it. Consequences: James getting shunned by his mom. He doesn't want to put James through that pain. It would be the equivalent of losing a parent.
Five: James rejects him and hates him, Carlos gets mad at James for breaking his heart and they break up. Consequences: He loses James.
So yeah, he's pretty much fucked. And after realizing all of this, he went to the only thing he could think of to end the pain
His razor.
He's used it before. When his dad was around to personally torture him. Which, if he thinks about it, was probably the first blow, but whatever, he was fucked up. He'd also taken to going to gay bars and finding the nearest hot guy (or girl, if they were both drunk enough) to fuck.
Okay let's recap! He had been abused by his father when he was younger, he was gay and in love with his best friend, said best friend was dating/in love (he wasn't quite sure on that one, never stuck around long enough to know if they've said it to each other) with his other best friend, his mother hated him, he was cheating on his girlfriend with random dudes at a gay bar, he cut, he probably had signs of a beginning alcoholic, and to top it all off, he couldn't tell anyone. And not once has he cried.
He didn't need a therapist to know that he was fucked beyond repair.
He got up suddenly, knocking over James' blue smoothie as he did.
"Dude!" James yelled, picking up what was left in the cup.
"Sorry." Kendall mumbled. He walked away without another glance at James and Carlos and headed to the BTR mobile. Before he made it out of the lobby and to the parking lot, he took out his razor that he kept in his wallet and headed to the lobby bathroom. He quickly checked the stalls and locked the door. He walked over to the sink and took off the bracelets that covered his wrists, reveling bandage underneath. He took them off carefully, planning to use them after he was done, they where fresh from this morning and none of the cuts from yesterday had broken, so they where clean. He brought the razor to one wrist and cut into the still healing flesh. He hissed in a mixture of pain and pleasure, the pain in his heart seemed to lighten somewhat. He made another mark on the same wrist, then set the razor down and watched as the bright red liquid flowed out of the cut and onto the sink. Letting the numbing feeling wash over him.
He smiled sadly, quickly cleaning the cuts and the razor. He replaced the bandage and the razor and walked back out to the car. As he drove he thought about the first time he had cut. It was from the pain of knowing that he didn't have a father that loved him. He chuckled bitterly, that didn't matter anymore. He realized long ago, that he didn't need the man in his life anyway.
But now, he thought as he pulled up and parked at the deserted beach, cutting the engine and looking out over the ocean from his car, that pain doesn't compare to what he felt now. His mother hated him, James would never want nor love him, Carlos would hate him eventually for being in love with James, Logan didn't care about him, Katie probably would hate him too, Jo flat out used him. Nothing could compare to feeling of pain that overwhelmed him now.
And finally, he let himself cry.