Title: The Chocolate Incident
Disclaimer: Nothing mine, all Square Enix, etc etc, you all know the drill
Words: 3236
Rating: PG
Pairing: Cid/Vincent, if you look very very closely. You should bring a magnifying glass, though.
Summary: Strange things happen on the highwind and Yuffie, Cid and Cloud make it their task to find out who is responsible for that.
Warning: Written by someone with no brain, therefore complete crack. You might want to put anything edible or drinkable in safe distance, giggled all the time whilst writing it.

No cookies or cakes were hurt during production.

A series of loud curses led Yuffie to the kitchen. From the doorway she watched Cid sorting through the mess that had once been the Highwind's kitchen. "You bought chocolate, didn't you?"

"Yes!" Cid growled as he gathered the empty wrappings of what had once been the chocolate cake for a month. "That bastard ate it all! There's not a single cookie left on the ship!"

"Hypoglycemia?" Yuffie offered as she bent down to pick up the packaging of the chocolate pudding.

Cid snorted as he started to clean up the crumbs that had been left of the cookies. "I hope he's lying somewhere and dying from all that sugar. Every time I buy food for the ship that bastard comes and eats everything even looking like chocolate! Hell, he tried to eat the boxes of the cookies!" Cid held up the half chewed remains of a former cookie box with the delicious picture of a very chocolaty chocolate cookie on it. "Who'd think of eating paper?!"

"A goat?"

Cid stared at her for a moment before angrily turning around and stuffing the silent witnesses of the cookie murder into the bin.

"Cid, you're sure you're feeding your crew?" Cloud stared sceptically at the mess in the kitchen as he walked up to the counter to make himself some coffee.

"I'm giving them far more than they deserve for what they call 'work'. But apparently it's still not enough for someone and he or she needs to eat my kitchen!" He pointed to the bite marks on the fridge, deep and neat.

"I don't know any human being who would be capable of leaving marks like these." Cloud trailed his fingers over the marks, examining them. "Perhaps it was Cait Sith?"

"Or perhaps someone with a little genetic engineering?" Yuffie suggested, staring at Cloud.

"Could be."

"So…" Cid followed that thought, narrowing his eyes. "What have you been doing last night, Cloud?"

"Hey! I didn't do anything!" Cloud protested, glaring at his friends. "I couldn't possibly eat that much!"

"Who knows," Yuffie mused. "Perhaps you hid it all to eat it later or to sell it?"

"I hid cookies without their boxes to sell them one at a time?" Cloud asked disbelieving.

"Who knows what's going on in the mind of you genetic engineered people."

"I'm not the only guy on this ship who fits that description, you know, Yuffie?"

As if on clue Vincent walked into the kitchen, moving with his usual unearthly grace towards the counter to take the coffee Cloud had just made for himself, sitting down at the table, back turned towards the others.

All three looked at each other, the same thought crossing their minds, then at Vincent. "Hey Vincent," Cloud greeted him innocently. "What about having my breakfast to go with my coffee?"

They couldn't see much of Vincent in this position, but the hair moved slightly, indicating that he was shaking his head. "Not hungry," sounded the hoarse voice before he went back to sipping the hot coffee.

Cloud threw triumphant glances at Cid and Yuffie, whilst the two looked sceptical at best.

"Really? What happened? Didn't see you eat much for supper last night."

Vincent just shrugged, continuing with his coffee. The other three just stared at him, trying to decide if they really thought Vincent capable of such a deed. After a few minutes Vincent had finished his coffee and left the kitchen without another word.

"Well," Yuffie finally said, staring after Vincent. "He isn't hungry."

"Vincent's always hungry," Cloud agreed. "An undead body needs a lot of nutrition to function."

"And we certainly know he can leave marks like these." Yuffie pointed towards the fridge and to the bite marks.

Cid nodded thoughtfully. "But it's Vincent. I can't imagine him rolling gleefully in a pile of chocolate."

"Still waters run deep," Cloud mused. "I just know it certainly wasn't me."

"Let's just find out!" Yuffie suggested. "Cid refills the stocks and we'll keep watch."

"'Cid refills the stocks'", Cid grumbled. "It's your idea, what about if you pay for it? Refilling the stocks of a month for a whole ship is not exactly cheap."

"It will be even more expensive if you don't do it and Vincent eats the next stocks as well. Just do it now and it's over," Cloud agreed with Yuffie.

"You're pretty sure it's Vincent, hu?" Cid glared at Cloud. "Well, I'll certainly make certain you're with me tonight."

"Great!" Yuffie beamed, bouncing off to the storage room. "I'll prepare the popcorn!"

The fine smell of chocolate sneaked its way into his dreamless sleep, making his stomach rumble with hunger. Chocolate. The red eyes opened instantly and he sat up, sniffing the air soundlessly. Chocolate; white, milk, dark, nuts, chocolate cookies, chocolate pudding, CHOCOLATE CAKE! The smell was too good to keep him in bed any longer and he jumped up to force himself through the doorway, too narrow for him, feathers being ripped out and tumbling to the ground in the process, seeking the source of the smell to fill his stomach.

"Isn't that a little obvious?" Cloud complained, sitting with Yuffie and Cid in the kitchen where Cid had piled all the new stocks of chocolate. A giant chocolate cake was sitting on the table as a special bait. "You think he's really that dumb to come in and eat when we're all sitting just a few inches away from him?"

"I'm not letting him eat this!" Cid grumbled, sipping a beer. "When he notices we're here he's already in the kitchen and it's too late and he'll have to admit what he's been up to."

"Not if you two don't stop talking!" Yuffie complained, mouth full of popcorn. "He'll hear you!"

"He'll hear you chew first!" Cloud shot back, glaring at her as she was clutching her bucket full of popcorn.

"Can't be. Your farts are far louder than that."

"That wasn't me! That was Cid!"

Cid was just about to comment on this as their bantering was interrupted by steps in the hallway and all three froze, waiting to see if it was their culprit or of the steps would pass. The tree locked at each other silently, not needing any words in this moment to communicate. Whoever this person was, it wasn't Vincent. Vincent was slender, elegant and silent, but the steps sounded like none of this. They were easy to hear and had a strange dragging quality to them.

Their breaths caught as the steps stopped in front of the door and it slid open only a moment later. The light wasn't turned on as the person forced its way through the doorway and quickly walked over to the chocolate cake, plunging hands and face in to eat.

For a long while nothing was to be heard but the chewing and gulping of a chocolate cake being devoured whilst all were staring in disbelief. Finally Yuffie found her voice again, full of shock and astonishment. "Is that Vincent?"

"No," Cid answered slowly, his mind trying to process what he saw. "It isn't."

"Well, it certainly isn't me!" Cloud stated triumphantly. A moment later a splatter of chocolate cake hit him straight in the eye, making him wince in pain.

Yuffie and Cid both stared at him, face covered with cake splatters. "That can't be Vincent," Cid whimpered, not wanting to believe what he saw. "Vincent'd never eat like that!"

"It is Vincent!" Yuffie insisted, reaching out to swipe some chocolate cream from Clouds face, sucking it from her finger. "Mmh. And he certainly has taste. That's a good cake!"

"That's why I bought it!" Cid whined, not able to look at the utter destruction that was just caused to the cake. "And I wanted to eat that tomorrow! And now…. he…"

"Vincent," Yuffie offered helpfully.

"That guy comes along and just eats it all! Bastard!"

"It's Vincent, Cid!" Yuffie repeated, getting impatient with Cid's apparent dumbness.

"It can't be!" Cid wailed, staring at the empty table. The cake was gone and (Not-)Vincent moved now towards the other things, ripping open one box of cookies after another, sometimes even devouring them without opening them first.

"One way to find out." Cloud rose from his seat to advance on the slurping figure. "Hey Vincent!" He was ignored and the chocolate crusade continued.

"Hungry, Vincent?" Still no reaction and after a few further attempts, all with the same reaction, he shrugged, grabbed a leftover box of cookies and returned to the others. "Doesn't seem to be Vincent."

"Do you know any other people able to transform into black and red monsters with giant black wings named Chaos, able to rip a fridge apart and to devour the stock for a whole month in less than half an hour?" Yuffie reached out to take a cookie from Cloud, still watching the scene.

"No," Cloud admitted, taking a bite from his own cookie. "But it's not really Vincent. Perhaps he's sleepwalking?"

Cid opened his mouth to answer, but all three froze as Chaos suddenly stopped eating and turned towards them as soon as he heard the crunching of chocolate cookies being eaten, red eyes dangerously narrowed.

"Oh fuck," Cid stated, voicing what everybody was thinking.

"Leave the cookies," Yuffie ordered softly, seeing Chaos stare at them. "And then run!"

Dropping her own cookie she jumped up and reached the door just in time as Chaos lunged straight at the cookies and at Cloud. Cloud dropped the box with the chocolate cookies and managed to dodge him in the last moment, going straight for the door as soon as it opened, quickly pressing the "Close" button outside. The door closed with a soothing swoooosh! and the three slid down the wall in relief.

"Seems like Chaos doesn't like people stealing his cookies," Cloud commented, breathing heavily from the shock.

"As much as a tiger likes to be petted during dinner." Yuffie listened to the sounds emanating from the room behind them, indicating the utter destruction of the kitchen. "Sounds like you better get a new kitchen along with new food."

Cid shook his head defeatedly. "I think I really need to have a word with Vincent in the morning."

"Vincent!" Cid greeted the silent figure stepping into the kitchen. "So glad to see you!"

Vincent stopped, staring at what had once been a kitchen. Now it was a mess of food, packing and destroyed furniture. "What happened?" he asked quietly, staring at the heavy fridge laying on the ground, torn out of the wall and ripped into pieces.

"How nice of you to ask this," Cloud stated, sitting with the others on the kitchen table, the only thing to have survidvd the destruction, waiting for Vincent. "As chance wants it we wanted to talk to you about just that."

Vincent just stared at them blankly.

"Cookie?" Yuffie offered, presenting a chocolate cookie to him that had managed to survive, probably due to divine intervention.

Vincent stared at the cookie for a moment, before carefully taking it with brass covered fingers to delicately nibble on it.

"Amazing you're still eating them." Cloud's gaze nearly burned holes into his cloak and Vincent suddenly felt very uncomfortable with his cookie. "After tonight one would think you had enough of those to last a lifetime."

"Tonight?" Vincent asked carefully, quickly finishing his cookie to make people stop staring at him.

"So… what have you been doing tonight?" Cloud asked innocently.

Vincent thought about that for a moment. He knew the answer, but he was pretty sure it wasn't the right answer to the question. "Sleeping?" he finally offered helplessly.

"Really?" The sarcastic tone of Cid's voice told Vincent that this had indeed been the wrong answer. "So you've been sleeping. And what has Chaos been doing?"

"Chaos?!" This was the last thing Vincent had been expecting, Chaos turning up in this conversation. Slowly he started to back up, seeing the predatory looks on the faces staring at him. His retreat was stopped pretty quickly, though, as he felt himself bump against Reeve who had just entered the kitchen. "Er…. Sleeping?"

"Sleeping, uh?" Cloud stared at him with a very strange expression on his face and Vincent couldn't shake off the feeling that he was in serious trouble.

"Well, Vince," Cid started, eyes fixed on Vincent, looking for any sign that might tell him Vincent knew what this was about and was only playing with them. "I really don't know about this little symbiosis you and Chaos share…. But one of you has been smashing my kitchen tonight."

Vincent's eyes widened at this outrageous accusation. "Destroying your kitchen?! I didn't do anything last night! I was sleeping!"

"Perhaps you've been sleeping," Yuffie pointed out. "Chaos certainly wasn't."

Suddenly Vincent understood what was going on. They were playing a prank on him. "How can Chaos be up and destroy kitchens when I'm sleeping and in bed? Chaos is me! In some way."

"That's what we'd like to know. Because you can deny it all you want, and perhaps you really don't know anything about it, but Chaos was definitely wide awake tonight, as you can clearly see."

"And why on earth should I destroy Cid's kitchen?" Vincent asked, calmer now that he had found out he was played with.

"Chocolate," Cid answered calmly.

"Chocolate?!"

"Yeah," Cloud agreed. "You ate every single crumb of chocolate to be found in here, sometimes along with the packages."

"Chocolate?!" Vincent asked once more, amazed about the creativity his friends showed. "I don't like chocolate! I wouldn't want to eat that!"

"And why did you eat that chocolate cookie right now when you don't like chocolate?" Yuffie asked, grinning triumphantly.

"Er…" Vincent would have liked to deny that, but crumbs of the cookie were still clinging to his fingers. A look of utter confusion appeared on his face. "I have no idea."

Reeve stepped forward from behind Vincent, thoughtfully looking at him. "How much do you usually remember when you turn into Chaos, Vincent?" he asked gently, trying to avoid the fight that would certainly ensue if the others continued questioning Vincent about the matter in this way.

Vincent shrugged uncertainly. "Not much. Actually… nothing."

"So in the case you'd turn into Chaos in your sleep and ravage the stocks you wouldn't be able to remember it in the morning, right."

"Right," Vincent admitted grudgingly, not liking how Reeve was talking about this. Reeve was not a man to take part in stupid pranks. If Reeve took part in this conversation it usually meant there was some truth to it. "But you can really stop now, all of you. I know you're playing with me. Nice thing, all had a good laugh, you can stop now and try to do something useful with your creativity. Never thought you'd destroy the whole kitchen to play a prank on me."

"Not even Cid is that stupid!" Cloud commented. "Sorry to disappoint you, Vincent, but this is not a joke. That was you!"

"I didn't do anything!" Vincent protested, feeling his hackles rise again. His mind was still trying to process the fact this wasn't a joke, but it had trouble with the fact that it had apparently been him who had done this.

"Now, now," Reeve told him soothingly, trying to calm the situation. "We pretty much gathered that you didn't do it on purpose. The question that needs to be answered is just why do you transform into Chaos in your sleep, devour so much chocolate and destroy the kitchen in the process?"

"That can't be," Vincent insisted. "Chaos appears when I'm angry or in danger. He's a killer. He waits for his chance and then he leaps out to bathe in blood when I'm too weak or too angry to control him anymore."

"So you have some kind of control over him, don't you?" Yuffie questioned further, brow thoughtfully furrowed, an unusual sight with her.

"Yeah," Vincent nodded. "Not much, but at least I can control if he appears or not, most of the time."

"But not, for example, when you're badly hurt, because you're too weak to do it then, right?" Reeve questioned further. "Or perhaps when you're sleeping?"

"No, I'm not, I tell you. When I sleep I sleep and don't turn into Chaos."

"And how should you know that when you're sleeping?" Yuffie pointed out.

There was some kind of "Aha!"-feeling in the room as Vincent blinked at her, thinking. "Well… because… err…"

With a feeling of dread and uneasiness creeping up Vincent realized that there probably wasn't any answer to this question. "But…. Why?"

"Well…" Reeve thought hard for any reason for this strange behaviour.

"Perhaps he just likes chocolate?" Yuffie suggested. "A lot?"

"But it's just Chaos!" Vincent stared at her bewildered. "Why should he want to eat chocolate?"

A smile crossed Reeve's face at this and his face lit up as if he had just found the problem to the solution. "Why do you think Chaos has no needs and wishes?"

"Well… Because it's Chaos…"

"But what does you make think that he's just something to turn up in times of danger and is basically dead the rest of the time? From all I can gather he was pretty much an independent being of some sorts before Lucrecia put him inside of you."

Now Vincent was completely confused, thinking about things he hadn't spend a single minute thinking about in thirty years. "True but… you don't really think about the needs of someone who isn't really there… who you can't see and can't really feel…"

"But I think he has needs and feelings. That might exactly be the problem," Reeve concluded.

"What?" Cid asked a little sarcastically. "Chaos having a soft spot for chocolate and because he didn't get any for thirty years he went a little mad and plundered my stocks?"

"Exactly." Reeve was smiling at them brightly, proud to be the one having found the core of the problem. All stared at him for a moment, trying to come to terms with the strange concept of Chaos being a chocolate fancier.

"And what do you suggest now?" Vincent asked carefully, his mind feeling a little numb due to the revelations of this day and from realizing he had tortured someone for thirty years. "If it's like that he won't stop with it and I apparently can't keep him from doing that."

"And if you just ate some chocolate?" Yuffie suggested. "Just a little every day? Perhaps Chaos wouldn't go so mad about chocolate if he got some on a regular basis."

Reeve smiled at them, nodding approvingly. "I think it's a good idea. You shouldn't forget that he is an independent individual and has his own wants and needs. Imagine Cid not being able to smoke all of a sudden. It's no wonder Chaos acts like this. Just eat a little on a regular basis and see if it helps. Even if you don't like it."

"Well…" Vincent admitted thoughtfully. "That cookie wasn't as bad as those things were thirty years ago… Perhaps… just a tiny one…"

An air of relief and happiness filled the room, now that the solution to the problem was found. The only person that seemed not pleased with this was Cid, staring darkly at Reeve and Vincent. "Does that mean I need to buy new stocks again?!"