Author Notes: I owe a great deal of thanks and appreciation to Fractals for letting me do this. She's a wonderful writer and a fantastic person all-around, and probably one of the nicest people I've seen while fucking around with Frozen. Also, if there was a zombie apocalypse, I would trust her to fight off the bike gangs/zombies/zombie bike gangs.

Author Notes Again: This is not serious, I am not doing this seriously. I may update it every so often as a joke. I came up with the idea late at night while sleep-deprived and wrote this in 20 minutes while fumbling about. Russian Batman is one of the greatest ideas of the history of ideas, however. I will stand by that. I mean... think about it. Just think about it.

There were 55,650,943 miles of paved road in the United States when this was written. Sometimes this number grows and sometimes it shrinks. After all, the country never sleeps and all roads lead to... Washington? I want to say Washington. All roads lead to Washington. These roads must be rebuilt, repaired, and resurfaced. They sprawl across the country like an octopus on a Japanese porn star.

On many of these streets are lights. These are the streetlights, the silent guardians of civilization. You know Batman? He's really cool. He's got like a Batman Business which sounds kind of stupid but... it's cool, okay? Russian Batman. Think about it. Anyways, streetlights are like Batman but in real life. They are always watching, keeping the world safe. What would life even be like without streetlights? They keep the roads bright when it is dark. Without streetlights, the world would be dark. Also, dark things are usually also grim and rape and murder and shit. Thus, without streetlights, the world would be GRIMDARK. Now, I'm not quite sure what GRIMDARK entails, but I'm pretty sure it would be unpleasant. Babies raping babies and gays eating gays or something like that. That's why you should go to your local streetlight and thank it for its service every day. It protects your freedoms from terrorists.

I want you to imagine a chocolate cake, creamy frosting layered thick, white and fluffy like fresh snowfall. I want you to imagine an apple, dew crisp on its skin, the pure white flesh slowly peeking out as you disrobe it. I want you to imagine a drumstick, skin crispy and crunchy, the meat juicy and tender. I want you to imagine the taste of fresh nectar after a trek through the desert, the sweet pristine refreshment coming after your mouth has already cracked from thirst. Did you imagine all of that? Are you hungry or thirsty? If so, that is why you fail. A streetlight wouldn't have gotten hungry or thirsty. This is one of the many reasons why streetlights are better than people.

The streetlight works by exciting sodium particles. Not in that way, you goddamn pervert. I know you read some weird fanfictions, but that's a bridge too far, don't you think? Potassium Onii-San, neutrons aren't meant to be entered in that way. Pomf. Glomps a little. Glomps a lot. Write some Helium/Seaborgium slashfiction to get your sick urges out before you proceed.

Done yet? Good.

As the sodium returns to a rested state, the excess energy is shed as photons. This is a highly energy efficient way to produce light that also results in little pollution. Streetlight are well-designed. Think of how functional and well planned-out that is! Compare that to your own body. You have an appendix. The purpose of the appendix is to burst and kill you. The purpose of the streetlight is to illuminate. Humans 0, Streetlights 1 billion. Need I say more?

At this very moment, there were incest lesbians afoot. Indeed, it was scandalous probably. If anyone found out, there would be issues or something. Or maybe that would be later, who knows? The streetlight certainly didn't. If a NEET was currently producing various sorts of pasta in its storage containers, it did not affect the streetlight. The streetlight was stalwart, dependable. When it broke down, it did not complain or moan, knowing that mysterious forces would soon set things right and make things right again. Rather, not knowing, but if it could know, it would know. The electricians worked in mysterious ways.

Mystery!

You see, the streetlight could not know these events. Streetlights can't see. They can't hear either. Or talk. Or move. Or think. Streetlights are inanimate objects.

But soon enough, bad things would be happening to this poor streetlight. Things so bad, they could only be described as Bad Things with Capitals because CAPITALS are IMPORTANT and if you AlTeRnAtE capitals I'm NOT quite SURE if THIS should BE important OR not and my brain hurts and then I pee a little. Don't do that. Yes, it should be bold too. That's how you can tell it's strong. Bad Things. Also, probably italicized because italics also emphasize. Or are they used for thoughts and internal monologues? Fuck, who makes up these stupid rules. Let's just do it.

Bad Things.

I added an underline too for extra oomph. Damn, look at how foreshadowy that is.

Something was rotten in the state of Norway which was north of Denmark but really not Norway, modern setting and probably the US but maybe Australia or Chechnya?

Screw it.

Anyways, this poor little streetlight would soon suffer. That's really the point of this.