Note: This story was inspired by a question once asked by RogueFanKC.
What Do You Do With a Drunken Magneto?
"I can't believe this," Magneto grumbled as he sat in the recreation room. "My new team was supposed to be an improvement over the Brotherhood. The Acolytes were supposed to be the greatest, most effective mutants I could find. Are they? No! Instead they're just a bunch of crazy, insane maniacs! Even my oldest and most feared subordinate is being corrupted by their insanity! How in the world did Sabertooth manage to sneak a twenty foot tall replica of the Starship Enterprise into the control room without anybody noticing?! Why would he do something like that in the first place?! This place is slowly turning into a nuthouse!"
Just then Pyro enter the room. "Hey boss!"
"And here's the head nut himself," Magneto muttered. "What is it?"
"Do we have any sledgehammers and pickled herring?" Pyro asked.
"Why would we have either of those things here?" Magneto looked at Pyro in confusion.
"It's for my latest idea. I need them to go with the air pump, dynamite, giant armadillos, and five gallons of mustard," Pyro explained.
Suddenly a grayish armadillo popped out from beneath Magneto's chair and scurried out the door. "Oops! Beatrice got lose! Come back baby!" Pyro ran off after the wayward armadillo.
Magneto just stared in shock at the doorway for a minute. "I don't even want to know." He slowly got up and headed toward his private office. "I'm not going to mess with that lunatic's antics today. I can only handle one idiot at a time."
Magneto was almost at his office when he came across Remy and Piotr hurrying down the hallway. "Stop! Have either of you seen Sabertooth? He still hasn't cleaned up his starship mess."
"Uh, yeah but he's sorta occupied at the moment," Remy said.
"I don't care. I want that thing out of the base now!" Magneto ordered.
"Um, I do not think he will be able to do so anytime soon," Piotr said.
"Why not?" Magneto glared.
"Well ya see, we kinda got him laminated…" Remy began.
"YOU WHAT?!" Magneto shouted.
"It was an accident," Piotr tried to explain.
"HOW DO YOU 'ACCIDENTALLY' LAMINATE SOMEONE?! WHERE DID YOU GET A LAMINATOR IN THE FIRST PLACE?!" Magneto roared.
"I 'borrowed' one from Bayville's high school and made it look like the principal there fenced it and used the cash to buy scotch," Remy said.
"Who would believe that story? Is there even a market for laminators?" Piotr asked.
"You'd be surprised," Remy drawled.
"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!" Magneto stormed past them and slammed the door to his office. He started pacing around the room while holding his head. "I can't live with this! They're crazy, every one of them! Why do I put up with this? I shouldn't have to put up with this! I'm getting a permanent migraine because of those idiots! If I had wanted to be driven out of my mind I would have stuck with the Brotherhood!"
Magneto slumped into his chair and used his powers to open up a secret compartment in the floor. He reached in and took out a bottle of bourbon and a glass. He poured himself a drink as he continued to rant. "I can't believe I'm resorting to this. Me, the Master of Magnetism using alcohol to deal with stress. Well I suppose as long as it's in moderation it can't hurt. As long as I don't get drunk. Ha! I remember the last time that happened. Charles and I were just finishing college and we were at the big graduation party. Charles had so much beer he started messing with people and making them act like squirrels. Students were running all over the place, up trees, the roofs of dorms, and fighting each other over acorns! Then I took apart a few cars, made some big knives and had them chase after the students! Keep calling out for squirrel burgers and meatloaf! Of course the police and riot squads blamed the whole thing on drunken students and how colleges should be stricter on alcohol control so nobody noticed anything strange and Charles and I weren't discovered as mutants. Boy those were the days." Magneto finished off his glass and poured himself another. "Wow, this stuff does pack a punch. My head's starting to clear out already. Maybe that's enough for now…"
BOOOOOOM!
"BEATRICE I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY WITH THE DYNAMITE!" Pyro was heard yelling.
"GET THIS ARMADILLO OFF ME!" Remy screamed.
"On the other hand," Magneto downed his glass and reached for the bottle again.
Thirty minutes later…
"You are all gonna die! Die, you hear me?!" Sabertooth yelled as he chased after Pyro and Remy.
"Hey, show some gratitude!" Pyro shouted as he created several fire whips to keep Sabertooth at bay. "Beatrice freed you from your laminated prison, didn't she?"
"BY NEARING BLOWING ME TO BITS!" Sabertooth roared.
"Well, maybe next time she'll succeed," Remy snickered as he ran beside Pyro.
"DIE!" Sabertooth shouted.
"Will someone please get this armadillo off me?" Piotr was trying to separate himself from the armadillo perched on his shoulder who kept licking his face.
"Sorry homme. I'm just glad it finally got off me!" Remy shouted as he ran by.
"She likes you mate!" Pyro ran past Piotr as well. "Just don't tick her off. A mad armadillo is very dangerous."
"NOT AS MUCH AS ME!" Sabertooth roared.
"That's debatable," Pyro said as he and Remy ran like mad to stay ahead of Sabertooth.
"Hope Mags doesn't get too mad about the newest hole in the ceiling…Whoa!" Remy yelped as they headed straight for Magneto as he exited his office.
"Look out!" Pyro shouted.
"Aaarrrggghhh!" Sabertooth yelled as the three Acolytes just barely missed hitting Magneto and went tumbling into his office.
CRASH!
"Ohhh," Remy moaned as they lay sprawled among the remains of Magneto's desk.
"What is going on here?" Magneto demanded.
"Well…um…ya see…uh," Pyro stuttered.
"Never mind, never mind!" Magneto waved them off. "Come, we must prepare to conquer the world!"
"Uh, boss are you feeling okay?" Remy asked noticing Magneto swagger a bit.
"Okay? Of course I'm okay!" Magneto struck a pose. "I am the great Magneto! Come! We must hurry and conquer the world before the enemy stops us!""
"What enemy? Xavier?" Remy asked.
"No! The army of tap dancing sea lions led by Alexander of Metrodomia…Macadamia…Massadount…Alexander the Great!" Magneto staggered down the hall. "TO BATTLE!"
"Okay, what's the heck's gotten into him?" Pyro asked.
"Oh no," Sabertooth sniffed the air and picked up two empty bottles. "Looks like a whole load of bourbon."
"Wow. Mags got drunk," Remy said.
"Well it explains the décor in here," Pyro pointed at the office walls which were covered with doodles and drawings done in colored markers. "Hey, that's a neat flying cow!"
"I can't believe this," Remy looked at the doodles.
"You said it," Sabertooth growled sniffing an empty bottle. "I can't believe he had this around and didn't tell me."
"Come on, let's see what he does," Pyro took off down the hall.
"Yeah, I bet we can get some great blackmail material out of this," Remy grinned as he and Sabertooth went after Pyro.
"Hahahahaha!" The three Acolytes entered the control room to find Magneto sitting on top of the large starship model and laughing maniacally. He had also made several smaller metal starships using his powers and was having them fly around the room while singing. ""Star Trekkin' across the universe! On the starship Enterprise along with Captain Kirk! Star Trekkin' across the universe! Boldly going forward cause we can't find reverse!"
"Well, this is interesting," Remy blinked.
"Ah, my followers!" Magneto drunkenly turned towards them and jumped down from the model. "I have come up with a plan to conquer the world! A cunning plan!"
"Oh really?" Pyro grinned, pulling out a camcorder. "What is it?"
"Disco!" Magneto yelled.
"Disco?" Sabertooth repeated.
"Yes!" Magneto giggled insanely. "We will spearhead the glorious comeback of disco. We'll create a special line of disco clothes. But they'll be remote controlled clothes so I'll be able to control everyone in the world! Hahahahaha!"
"O-kay," Remy blinked and leaned toward Sabertooth. "And I though Pyro was crazy when he was drunk.
"Please stop licking me," Piotr groaned as he entered the room with the armadillo still perched on his shoulder. "No, my hair does not to be licked either."
"Oh boy! A walking pork roast!" Magneto spotted the armadillo and approached it. At this the armadillo jumped off Piotr and started to run away.
"Come back here!" Magneto used his powers to transform the small metal starships into large knives and chased the armadillo around the room. "Dinner time!"
"No! Don't hurt my shelia!" Pyro yelled as he tried to stop Magneto. "How about a nice ostrich steak instead?"
"Finally," Piotr wiped his face off with his sleeve.
"Man, this gonna be priceless," Remy snickered as picked up Pyro's dropped camcorder and continued filming.
"Huh? What is going on?" Piotr asked as he finally noticed the strange scene.
"The boss got drunk," Sabertooth replied.
"Drunk?" Piotr blinked. "Oh no."
"I want roast! I want roasted pots!" Magneto ran around laughing drunkenly.
"Hey Mags," Remy grabbed Magneto's collar and brought him to a halt. "Forget about eating. You wanna play a game?"
"A game?" Magneto blinked. "Yay I love games!"
"Great," Remy grinned. "The name of the game is What's Your Bank Account. You give me a number and I'll see how much I can get from it."
"Oh no," Sabertooth snapped and grabbed Magneto's arm. "You wanna tell me your bank account number."
"Whew! Better go and hide," Pyro ushered the shaken armadillo out the door. "I'll make sure the crazy old boss doesn't find you."
"No, he wants to tell me," Remy glared at Sabertooth.
"No, me!" Sabertooth got in Remy's face.
"Me!" Remy snapped.
"Me!"
"Me!"
"Me!"
"Hey, wanna see something cool?" Magneto smiled. "Look what I can do!" Magneto used his powers to levitate into the air. "I'm flying! I'm flying!"
"Hey, that's great!" Pyro laughed and grabbed the camcorder from Remy. He then made several large fire rings which Magneto flew through.
"He flies thought the air with the greatest of ease! The magnetic mutant with great expertise!" Magneto sang drunkenly while flying very erratically.
"ME!" Remy yelled.
"ME!" Sabertooth tackled him. The two of them rolled around on the floor fighting.
"Not again," Piotr groaned and held a hand to his head. "Why do I always have to be the sane one around here?"
"Look at me! I'm the Red Baron!" Magneto laughed maniacally and made machine gun noises. "Where's that beagle flying ace with the black nose?"
"Oh when I see Magneto fly!" Pyro sang while shooting up random jets of flames into the air and causing the ceiling to catch fire.
"Oh no! Heavy flak!" Magneto flew around unsteadily. "Curses! Foiled again!"
"Pyro stop it at once!" Piotr ran and got out the room's mandatorially-equipped fire extinguisher.
"Boom! Boom! Boom!" Pyro laughed maniacally as he continued to shoot out flames.
"Aaarrrggghhh! I've been hit!" Magneto yelped as his cape caught on fire. He started to remove it while still flying around, along with some of his other clothes.
"Ow!" Piotr rubbed his head after being stuck by Magneto's boot. "What the…?" He looked up just in time to avoid being hit by Magneto's chest plate. He looked up again. "What are you doing? Stop taking off your shirt! No! Not that! Stop! Don't even think about it...PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!"
"I'm free! I'm free!" Magneto laughed insanely as he did a barrel roll wearing only his underwear and a deranged smile.
"Oh my eyes! My eyes!" Piotr staggered around the room rubbing his eyes. "I did not need to see that. I did not want to see that! I am going to need therapy."
"WAHOOOOOO!" Pyro skipped around the room making fire planes.
"ME!" Remy rolled by with Sabertooth in a headlock.
"ME!" Sabertooth tried to strangle Remy.
"Will you two stop fighting and help me put out the fires!" Piotr shouted.
"Fire?" Remy stopped and looked up. "FIRE!" He and Sabertooth immediately let go of each other and rolled out of the way just as a large, burning chunk of the ceiling fell down towards them.
CRASH!
Remy and Sabertooth dashed out of the room and quickly returned with more fire extinguishers. They started putting out the flames. "How come the fire suppression system isn't working?" Remy shouted.
"Because only the boss has the power to use it!" Sabertooth yelled back.
"Perfect! Remind me to talk to him about that little design flaw," Remy groaned as they finished putting out the flames.
"Thank you for finally helping," Piotr sighed.
"Sorry homme," Remy apologized. "But ya gotta admit this is a great time to take advantage of Mags. Think of all the stuff we can get out of him and…why are you twitching?"
"Trust me, you do not want to know," Piotr shuddered.
"Hey, where's the boss?" Sabertooth looked around the destroyed room. "And the Firebug?"
"YEHAAAAAA!" a pair of maniacal laughs echoed down the hall.
"Great. Looks like the Firebug's egging him on," Sabertooth growled as they ran out of the room.
"And they've gotten into the paint again," Remy glanced around the hallway which was now covered in green and red squiggles.
"At least they are not into the glue," Piotr noted.
"Not like Mags really needs it," Remy looked at the drying machine magnetically stuck to the ceiling and the 'borrowed' laminator imbedded into the wall.
"They're in here," Sabertooth lead them to the entrance of Storage Room Two. He opened the door and walked in just as a piano landed on him.
CRASH! PLINK! PLUNK!
"Ouch, that's gotta hurt," Remy winced.
"Ohhh…" Sabertooth moaned.
"What the heck are they up to in here?" Remy wondered as he and Piotr squeezed past the broken piano and into the room. "And why are you covering your eyes?"
"No reason," Piotr held a hand over his eyes while holding onto Remy's shoulder with the other.
"WHEEEEEE!" a deranged laugh was heard behind a large stack of cargo boxes.
"Hey, that's Mags!" Remy shouted as they made their way over.
"Is he wearing clothes?" Piotr asked.
"Yeah, but you'll never guess what," Remy blinked and came to halt.
"I am the Chicken King!" Magneto laughed as he waltzed by dressed in a chicken suit and carrying a pair of rubber chickens. Several metal statues of chickens surrounded him and were shown saluting him as well. "I am King of the Mutant Chickens!"
"Yes your cuckooness!" Pyro followed behind him filming everything. "Hey mates! Is this hilarious or what? I chose Mags' outfit myself. Doesn't he look marvelous?"
"That is one way to put it," Piotr blinked.
"Where did you get the chicken suit?" Remy asked. "On second thought, forget it. I don't wanna know."
"I got it from this big crate full of costumes," Pyro explained. "Man, you wouldn't believe some of the stuff Mags keeps in here."
"Ohhh, that hurt," Sabertooth staggered up to them covered in piano wire and with piano hammers sticking out of his hair.
"HAHAHAHAHA! IT'S ALIVE! ALIVE I TELL YOU!" Magneto cackled insanely in another part of the large room.
"Great. What's the Master of Disaster done this time?" Remy asked as the Acolytes ran toward the latest commotion. "And why did Mags toss a piano into the air?"
"Because he ran out of tool chests to throw," Pyro replied.
"Oh brother," Sabertooth growled as they came to a stop.
"He he he!" Magneto giggled uncontrollably while standing before them. "Behold! The greatest invention ever made in the history of mutant kind!"
"Who wants to take this one?" Remy asked.
"I will," Piotr said. "What is the invention?"
"This!" Magneto stood back to reveal an enormous bubble machine the size of a bus.
"Whoa, that's the second biggest bubble machine I've ever seen," Pyro blinked.
"It's bubble time!" Magneto giggled as he turned on the machine. It shook and started spewing out hundreds of bubbles a second of various shapes and sizes.
"I don't believe this," Sabertooth groaned. "Where the heck did that thing come from?"
"Oh, it used to be a particle accelerator but I used my powers to make it into something different!" Magneto beamed.
"Well, it is creative I have to admit," Piotr blinked.
"Bubbles! Bubbles!" Magneto skipped about the room playing in the bubbles. "Look my bubble's popped!"
"That's not the only thing that's popped," Remy quipped.
"Hey, that looks like fun!" Pyro squealed and joined in.
"No! Pyro don't encourage him again!" Remy shouted.
"Tiny bubbles in the wine, make me happy, make me feel fine!" Magneto and Pyro sang and danced with linked arms while bubbles rained about them.
"Okay, now I have seen everything," Piotr stood in shock.
"This is insane," Remy rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"Hey Firebug! Knock it off you nut!" Sabertooth snarled.
"Hey, don't be mean to my good pal Pyro!" Magneto spat.
"Yeah," Pyro grinned. "I'm Mags' best bud!"
"Ya know Pyro, you have always been my most dedicated follower," Magneto hiccupped. "Always willing to go on a mission. You're the one I can always count on to be there after everyone else has left."
"No problem Mags," Pyro waved.
"You're the one who nearly burned down the whole base. You're the one who dumped a bucket of live worms on my head. You're the one who almost killed me and destroyed my office," Magneto started to get a strange look in his eye.
"Uh, boss," Pyro gulped and started to shake. "Boss snap out of it!"
"Ya know, now that I think about it you're the one who causes most of my headaches," Magneto turned toward Pyro with an angry look. "You have any idea how much trouble you cause me? A lot! More than…than…this many troubles." Magneto held up several fingers. "Well ya know what they say about troubles. Get rid of them!"
"Boss! Sober up!" Pyro slapped Magneto right across the face.
"Be careful doing that. He might remember all the other stuff you've done," Remy warned.
Magneto blinked as he shook off Pyro's blow. "Do that again."
WHACK! Pyro slapped Magneto across the face.
"Again."
WHACK!
"Again."
WHACK!
"Again."
WHACK!
"Ya know, this is pretty fun," Pyro grinned.
"Let me do it next!" Piotr yelled.
"Okay, thanks I needed that," Magneto wobbled unsteadily.
"So you've decided to forgive me?" Pyro asked.
"No, I just wanted to feel better about what I'm going to do next," Magneto waved his hand and had several metal tentacles rise up from the floor. Pyro's pack was torn from his back and hurled into a far corner of the room. Miraculously it didn't explode.
"Oh boy," Pyro gulped as he soon found himself pinned to the floor facing up.
"Come on Mags, give him a break!" Remy said as he moved towards him.
"Oh, I will. I'll break his kneecaps," Magneto turned towards him. "Wait a minute! You're responsible for a lot of trouble too. The lot of you are nothing but trouble!"
"Uh, on second thought, maybe we'll just leave you two alone," Remy gulped as he started to back out of the room.
"Thanks a lot!" Pyro snapped.
"Yes, I think we should leave now," Piotr headed for the door only for Magneto to seal it shut with his powers. "This is not good."
"I've had it with the lot of you!" Magneto snapped as he used his powers to tear open a crate and pull out some grenades. "You hear me?! I'm tired of you all acting like the idiots you are and doing stupid things!" he yelled right before tossing several grenades at them.
"Look out!" Remy screamed as he dived out of the way.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"Great, the boss has gone completely nuts," Sabertooth snarled as he tried not to get blown up.
"Personally I don't think he was that far off to begin with," Remy said.
"I love a grenade!" Magneto laughed maniacally as he magnetically tossed grenades everywhere.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"Okay, all those in favor of taking down Mags say aye," Remy shouted.
"Aye!" Sabertooth growled.
"Aye!" Piotr grinned. "I have been looking forward to this."
"Hey, a little help here!" Pyro shouted nervously as explosions rained about him. "Helpless bloke pinned to the floor in danger of being killed! Hello?"
"Ready? CHARGE!" Remy let loose a fistful of charged cards for cover as he joined Piotr and Sabertooth rush Magneto.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"Hey, where'd he go?" Sabertooth looked around upon reaching the spot where Magneto had been standing.
"Peak-a-boo, I see you!" Magneto floated above their heads. He created several metal bars from the walls and used them to pin the Acolytes to the floor next to Pyro.
"Grrrr!" Sabertooth strained against the bars but couldn't break free.
"I think Mags is ticked off," Pyro said.
"No, ya think?" Remy rolled his eyes.
"I can not move!" Piotr shouted, having been magnetically stuck to the floor in addition to being pinned with bars.
"Now what to do, what to do?" Magneto floated back down. "Ah, I got it!" He ran off to another part of the bay laughing to himself.
"Piotr, can you switch back to your normal state and get free?" Remy asked.
Piotr tried to do so. "No. My hands are still bound too tight."
"Mags is gonna kill us," Pyro whimpered. "He's gonna use us as pincushions, run us through a meat grinder, make us watch him dance, make us watch him sing and dance…"
"Maybe we can reason with him," Piotr suggested. "Not that we have able to do so before but…"
"Come on, how bad could it…" Remy blinked as Magneto returned driving a twenty two foot tall steamroller while still wearing the chicken suit. "…be?"
"Meep!" Pyro gulped.
"I should have done this a long time ago!" Magneto smiled drunkenly while steering the steamroller towards them.
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Pyro cried.
"No, those without healing factors and metal armor are gonna die," Sabertooth grunted.
"Well if you're a pancake it'll be pretty hard to heal from that now won't it?" Remy yelled.
"Uh oh," Sabertooth gulped and struggled to break free.
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Magneto giggled insanely as he drove the steamroller closer toward the helpless Acolytes.
"This is the end, isn't it Gambit?" Pyro whimpered.
"Yes, yes it is," Remy gulped. "It's been nice knowing you all!"
"You're the best friend I ever had Gambit!" Pyro wailed.
"LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!" Sabertooth thrashed around like mad trying to break free.
"Bye bye! Pasta la pizza…AAARRRGGGHHH!" Magneto yelped as an armadillo jumped up from behind his seat and started attacking him.
"Huh?" Remy tried to cran his neck forward. "What the heck?"
"AAAHHHHHH! GET THIS THING OFF ME! NO BITING! NO BITING! YEOOOWWW! THAT HURTS!" Magneto screamed as the armadillo tore into him.
"That a way Beatrice! Get him!" Pyro cheered.
"AAARRRGGGHHH! MY EYE! LEGGO MY NOSE! NO NOT DOWN MY CHEST! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW…OH MOMMA THAT HURTS!" Magneto flailed around and let go of the steering wheel.
"This is it! We're done for!" Pyro screamed as the steamroller inched closer.
"WAAAUUUGGGHHH!" At the last second the steamroller turned, just barely missed the Acolytes and headed straight into a wall.
CRASH!
"Phew! Boy that was close," Remy panted. "Looks like Mags just took out part of the infirmary."
CRASH!
"And Storage Room Seven," Piotr noted.
CRASH! CRASH! CRASH!
"And Eight and Nine and Ten," Piotr continued.
"Hey aren't the Emergency Oxygen Tanks next to Storage Room Ten?" Pyro asked.
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!!
"Not anymore," Remy noted as the whole base shook from the explosion.
"This is so humiliating," Sabertooth groaned. "Saved by an armadillo. I'll never live this down."
"I can move now," Piotr easily freed himself now that the magnetic field restraining him was gone. He quickly freed the others.
"Thanks mate," Pyro stood up and ran to retrieve his pack.
"Come on!" Remy ran and followed the path of destruction the steamroller made through the base. He finally found it in a crumpled mess buried halfway into a wall of Magneto's private office.
The other Acolytes quickly joined him. "Oh my," Piotr blinked at the huge mess. "Where is Magneto?"
"Over here," Sabertooth dragged Magneto's limp form away from the remains of the driver's seat. "He's out cold."
"Finally. We'll find a place to keep him until he wakes up since the infirmary's wrecked," Remy said.
A small squeak was heard as an armadillo scampered out from a large pile of debris.
"Beatrice! You're okay!" Pyro squealed as the armadillo leaped into his arms. "You saved us all! Who's a good shelia? Yes you are! Yes you are!"
"What are you doing?" Piotr asked Sabertooth who was rummaging through the piles of rubble.
"I'm gonna find any more alcohol the boss has in here and make sure he can't get to it again," Sabertooth grunted and patted his stomach.
"You know he's probably gonna kill you when he finds out, right?" Remy asked.
"When he wakes up he'll probably want to get rid of all the stuff anyway," Sabertooth waved.
"Good point," Pyro cuddled his armadillo. "No if only we could stop him from downing aspirin all the time."
"Like that'll ever happen," Remy said.
"Hey, where's the camcorder?" Pyro asked.
"I think it is still back in the Storage Room," Piotr said.
"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Pyro grinned.
"Oh yeah," Remy smirked. "I can't wait for Mags to wake up."
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the songs "Star Trekkin'", "The Man on The Flying Trapeze", "When I See an Elephant Fly", "Tiny Bubbles" or "I Love a Parade".