Pickup Lines
By: Lycoris Calantha
You never believed in pickup lines.
It was shallowness, after all, that had someone falling for a pickup line hook, line and sinker, no pun intended. It was infatuation over apparent wittiness that had women fawning over 'clever' men.
The sleazy, worn out phrases that men believed turn women on actually ended up making women with a modicum of intelligence ignore them, you knew that.
Now, House was going to hire another member of his team.
"If I could see you naked, I'd die happy," you heard an applicant tell a pretty woman, presumably another applicant.
The male was tall, good looking and probably swoon-worthy by some women's standards, but you could swear that the woman was irritated.
"If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
You had had to cough to disguise your laughter.
"Hey, babe, don't be that way..." the man tried again, and you knew the man was an idiot.
She stood up, walked into the bathroom, and that was that. The man had stared for a moment before moving on to a younger, giggly candidate.
She left the comfort room ten minutes later, the epitome of calmness.
You approach her, smiling appeasingly. "You're applying for the job?"
She stares at you as if you were an idiot. "Isn't everybody?"
You smile. "What's your name?"
"Allison. Allison Cameron."
"Ah, it's nice to meet you, Allison."
"Hey. Wait, what's your name?"
"... Robert Chase."
She'd gotten the job, and was surprised to see that the blonde with the pretty hair and the accent was actually her coworker, but you got along most of the time, and you'd been amused to learn she was a softie and a pushover.
"You're a doctor."
"Are you stating the obvious?"
"No, I mean, there are patients who'll take advantage of you, you'll have to know..."
"I... I can take care of myself."
"Of course you can," you say, and that was that.
And some days, she come to you, and you'd talk.
"Someone hit on me today." She looks so depressed, you thought. So sad.
You've known each other three months and you knew that this time, it was serious.
"Me too," you joke, trying to lighten the mood. "In the waiting room, a while ago."
"He... He's going to die. He'd be lucky to see Christmas."
It was August.
"You know what? He used to be an applicant here."
"Oh? So you mean you've... met?"
"He was hitting on me then, too. He told me... that he'd die happy if he saw me naked."
Ah, you think. That jerk. You play innocent. "Oh, really?"
She smiles softly. "I met you that day."
"And..."
"And... He asked to marry me."
"Oh?"
"He told me he'd go to the ends of the world for me."
"What did you tell him."
"I said... I'd think about it."
You stood up so quickly she could only blink in surprise.
"Why'd you do that?" you ask, your voice strained, low.
"Because..." she hesitated. She probably wasn't sure, either.
"Because what? Because you're too nice? Of course you are -nice-, you care. You'd marry a hobo in the streets if it would give him a better life."
"Hey, I--"
"That's the way you are," you say, your voice sad, but tender. "That's just the way you are. I won't stop you."
You went to visit the jerk. Once, and only once.
The man was an asshole, though the rest of the world called him George.
"She got the job, and you didn't. Is this what all of this is about?"
The man smirked. "No."
"Then what is this about?"
"Because... I like her."
"And so?"
"She'll make me happy."
"What the hell─"
"What's your problem, anyways? You're not dating her or anything."
"I can be concerned over her best interests."
"Of course, of course." He sounded condescending, and right now, you hate him.
"Are you really terminal?"
"Do you have any doubts on that?"
"Yeah, but no proof," you say shortly.
He smirks and you leave the room.
You pass Cameron in the hall, and though she looks at you in disbelief, you just shrug before going to the toilet.
Hey, it makes a neat getaway.
At least, it made a neat getaway so long as the escapee was of the opposite sex of the person the escapee was running away from. Which you definitely were.
"Everybody lies," she announced, and you looked up.
"And you tell me this all of a sudden?" she levels a look at you. You sigh. "What did he say?"
"What makes you say that he said something?"
You quirk an eyebrow.
She gives up. "He told me he wasn't going to die. After I said yes."
"I figured."
"How'd you know?"
"Why would he apply for a job here under House three months ago if he was terminal?"
She mulls over the thought carefully, and you decide to get revenge on George.
"Mental ward's on the third floor. It isn't so far away. No one'd notice if..."
She laughs. "I'll go arrange it."
"Wanna grab dinner?"
"Sure."
That was the only time she ever said 'yes' for a long, long time.
And you picked a restaurant, and a man walked over.
"I would go to the ends of the world for you," he told her, ignoring you completely.
You groaned, and Cameron smiles a little too sweetly and you almost laugh at her expression. "But would you stay there?"
The man gaped at her. Then he narrows his eyes at you. "Oh," he says scathingly. "Girls' night out? Sorry for interrupting." And he left.
She narrows her eyes at the man. You pat her arm. "I hear House is going to hire someone new."
"He better not try to get the job again."
You grin. "I don't think he'll live past the first week, if ever."
And you could work together, though some animosity developed by the time Foreman joined your little group, about two months later. Something that spawned from House's manipulativeness and both of your tempers.
In all that time, you thankfully did -not- have to sit through another pickup line.
You could work together most of the time, though she never accepted a dinner invitation if it meant staying alone with you. But you were fine with that. You still spoke to each other sometimes, and you give her advice about your problems. You don't hesitate with the probability of her actually going with it, she probably wasn't going to listen to you anyways.
Life was pretty much the same as it ever was.
Until, well, the patient hit on you, more than a year after Foreman joined you two.
Sure it would have been flattering, but the patient was male, homosexual, and had been stalking House.
Not such a flattering start.
He said you were pretty. Too pretty to be straight. You feel sort of insulted, and sort of flattered. Just a little bit.
'You ever done any modeling?' he said, and you just know it's come back to haunt you. Cameron would be amused, and she probably was.
You can't believe people fall for that line, and you say as much, incredulously.
Apparently, they did, and once more you are baffled by human folly, never mind that you are one of them.
Whatever the case, pickup lines are one of those things that hunt you down, wherever you are, and strike when you least expect it.
You shrug. It may haunt you, but as if hell if you let them rule your life.
Cameron... Cameron is who she is. You won't rule her life, and you won't try to shower her with unconditional support. Somehow, you thing she prefers to think for herself.
Especially now.
But, not to sound cheesy or to sound like an overused, overrated, worn-out pickup line... You were going to be there for her.
(You think your environment is corrupting you. Damn.)