Clyde's PoV
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Why do I feel so pathetic? Oh yeah, because I'm not really attractive and I don't do anything special. Damn it. See what I mean? I do this several times a day. I wonder why I should feel this way until I again remind myself of my shortcomings. I guess it's really easy to forget the things you don't want to remember. But I'm always honest with myself. I'm honest about my paralyzing fear whenever a pretty girl is nearby, I'm honest about how I don't offer anything to the student body...and crazily enough I'm able to admit that I have a crush on my friend, Craig Nommel.
The crush part is something I'm able to keep hidden rather well. Girls are attractive yes, and when the conversation leans that way I can say who I think is hot. But more and more of my self-loathing comes from the fact that now everyone's older, and more hormone driven, they tend to judge you much more harshly. Back when we were younger it didn't matter. You didn't really think about how much of a loser someone was or how ugly they were, except for Cartman because he was really porky. I was thin enough not to be noticed much and my weight rarely bothered me.
But now it's nothing short of crippling, that and my below-average looks. No, I'm not fishing for compliments. You can just tell by the way the girls look at you, especially when you hang out with someone like Craig all the time. Just the way they talk and flirt with him is evidence enough. He pulls it off so easily, and he has things to talk about. He'll talk about how basketball is going or how crazy the party was that he went to. I don't do parties; I know I'd make an ass out of myself. If I got drunk in public I'd probably break down into tears or something due to self-pity, and God knows I don't need a stain like that on my record, and the only fail-safe way to keep that record clean around girls for me is to keep my mouth shut. That way you can't appear stupid and then they won't judge you.
As for Craig...he's the only person I know who understands me...to a certain degree. I don't have to worry about what I say around him, we've known each other long enough that he accepts my weird sense of humor. We like a lot of the same things, except for basketball and as of late a sheer lust for women. For the most part Craig is my connection to the real world, otherwise, I'd be a nobody. It's like he's helping to pull me up the ladder, something that seems beneath him, and yet still he's doing it. How can you not at least like a guy like that?
But lately he's been bragging to me, Token, and Tweek about his hot dates with the loose girl, Heidi. From what I've heard her stifling father, who despises boys, has caused her to rebel and now she's known to be an easy target for guys "affections." She says affections...we know she's a target for horny guys who want to lose their virginity, or who are looking for another fuck. That's how Craig talks all the time. He has quite a reputation for being the smooth talkin' bad boy around high-school, and he's good enough on the court that he warrants respect from the students. We're all juniors, but there's nothing "junior" about Craig's attitude. He could almost be a biker or something. But I like him because, in spite of all that, he jokes around and hangs out with me. Not only that, he's good looking. His dark eyes always have a mischievous glint to them. His frame is slender but toned, unlike me who can be considered...a litte "soft". Which doesn't help me open up to people at all. I'd love to lose weight but shit it's hard, especially when sports piss you off and physical exertion is hell. I hate sports because it's all about showing you're better than someone else, and most of the time competition turns people into pricks. Maybe if I was really good at sports I'd hop on the band-wagon, but that's neither here nor there.
Enough about me, let's focus on someone worth fawning over. Craig also keeps his hair short which shows off his...what...well-proportioned head? I don't know, it's a good head shape really. Good for taking your hands in at least if you're going to kiss him passionately. I've thought about giving him a peck on the lips...okay to hell with it, I have thought about taking his head in my hands when I kiss him for as long as we're able to hold our breaths. I've never had a real kiss...but I imagine if I had one with Craig he'd be able to make fireworks out of dirt.
So this is why him talking about fucking Heidi is a little annoying for me. Token rolls his eyes and talks more candidly about his dates, whereas Tweek is just plain afraid of girls. But Craig, he wants one thing and he doesn't hide it. Ugh...it's almost like he's rubbing it in. I bet he is, he gets off by bragging. He does it all the time with basketball. He'll explain the details of his rebounds or his drives down-court and all that shit. It just makes me feel worthless and jealous. If I was dating him though I wouldn't have to be envious of anything. At least Craig should be dating one of the more popular girls in school. Even a senior. He could pull it off easily. But the fact that he's dating such an easy target is stupid.
"I'm tellin' you guys this bitch's tongue action is unreal. I used to wonder if the rumors were true, but now..." Craig was speaking loudly because of the noise in the cafeteria. Either that or he wanted as many people as possible to hear his remarks.
"Classy." Token said sarcastically.
Still grinning, Craig gave Token the finger. His trademark so to speak. I've been to his house many times and it's amazing how often that thing gets flipped around. I've found myself almost doing it on numerous occasions. No wonder Craig does it so instinctively. As much as I was scowling on the inside I decided to play it cool and pretended to be interested in Craig's anecdote. "How long did the kiss last?"
Craig grinned wider at the chance to brag more. "For all I know it could have been several minutes. The whore couldn't get enough." He took a sip from his Pepsi, wrapping his lips sensuously around the bottle opening. I had to fight the urge to shudder from the thought of those lips.
"Ah dude! Shouldn't you be worried about diseases or something?!" Tweek was having a stabbing fest with his lasagna. As usual his head was cocked to the side. Doesn't that hurt his neck?
"Fuck Tweek stop asking stupid questions. No I'm not, and I have no reason to be." Craig flipped Tweek off. How unexpected.
Tweek was an interesting specimen; probably the only person that could make me feel better about myself. He feared just about anything, he was paler than uncooked bacon, he had horrible bags under his eyes, and he lets out constant little squeaks and groans. Seems like he's always coming down off of crack or something. For all I know he is. I like having Tweek around to balance out my loser-ness. He'd always talk about how risky girls are and how he could never handle being with one. It probably didn't sway Craig's opinion about them at all but at least someone was saying something and it wasn't me. So I could still act like him screwing girls is cool, if for the sole reason of making him think I'm cool in the process. Kind of sad, huh? But really staying on his good side is the only thing I can hope for right now.
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I have the honor of driving Craig home from school everyday. Well, the days where he doesn't stay after school for basketball. I got an old car for free from my parents a few months after getting my license. Not a lot of power, but it gets the job done. Craig has practice today unfortunately.
"I'll be over later, dude." He waved to me as we left our last class.
I also drive Tweek home. He bugs me a little when he shrieks at my hitting the brakes a little hard at stop lights, but I almost feel like it's my responsibility to drive him home. I'd feel like shit if something happened to him on the way home from school. He has a hard time with the bus so usually he just walks.
"This whole Heidi thing is crazy!" He said grasping onto the seat-belt tightly.
"It kinda is." I didn't want to sound too forceful about my dislike of the whole situation. He took a sip of coffee from his thermos that he keeps hidden in his locker.
"Damn it Tweek, please try not to drink that in the car! The last time you spilt some the car stank for a week!"
"Gah! You don't understand man!" He took a big swig and fidgeted with the lid until the sipping hole was covered. Yeah I'm not a big fan of coffee, I just stick with energy drinks. I can't understand how Tweek likes it so much. His breath is usually pretty pungent and his teeth have almost no white left. I gingerly brought it up and he practically had a seizure worrying about his teeth falling out. I'll be damned if I do that again, it scared the shit out of me. Almost literally.
Returning home from school sucks so much more when Craig isn't with me right away. For some reason I can't have any real fun unless he's there. Something we watch on the Internet is Homestarrunner, and I only like to watch it with him so I can see and hear him laugh. His white teeth flash briefly when he does and he lets out energetic laughs. Not obnoxious at all even though they're kind of loud. It makes the comedy that much better. That's one of the things I love him for, the fact that he enjoys it. So many people think the site is either weird or just stupid. I had tried to watch it with Tweek but most of the characters don't have arms or legs and that freaks him out. Token is too snooty to watch it. I don't know what that lucky asshole does in his spare time besides drive around in his Lexus. Well...I think he does spend a lot of time with girls. I'll admit I'm a little jealous of his wealth, but usually I don't let it get to me. I've got decent possessions: my computer, my X-box, my car, so I can't complain much. But it's hard to not imagine what it'd be like to have that much money.
When Craig came over he talked up his accomplishments in basketball as usual. The only other guy he'd talk about consistently was Kyle Brovlofski. It was obvious that he respected him as a player. The kind of respect I would kill for. But I'd have to find another way to earn it. How is a different question altogether. Just by being myself? Ha! Yeah right. When he'd do this I'd just stare at him and, to make him as happy as I thought possible, I'd feign interest and say things like, "Wow" or "cool".
It wasn't bad talking to him, but I'd really enjoy our time together when we're doing something I liked. Which was either TV or games. Games can be so dull by yourself. Then they turn awesome when we play co-op and kick the shit out of everything. He's a good player, which in a way helps me validate my liking of the game. You can be good at them and be a popular guy in school. If only I could make the transition.
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The next day in school something exciting happened: in our chemistry class we got a project to build a bridge out of balsa wood. The goal was to have it withstand as much crushing weight as possible before it broke. Craig and I were able to pair up to make a bridge. This was a good excuse to spend more time with him. It made it even better because Craig asked me if I wanted to make one with him.
"Yeah, why not?" I cooly replied, hiding my excitement.
"Alright, why don't you get the wood we need after school and we can start it today?"
"Okay." I'd never work on a project this fast by myself. Two birds with one stone, baby!
Token was nice enough to pair up with Tweek. If Tweek didn't have anyone to pair up with he'd be a wreck.
When Craig and I started trying to physically build the bridge I started getting pissed off. It was a pain in the ass to cut the pieces properly. The bridge had to be a certain height and some of the pieces would need to be cut at a precise angle to make the bridge sturdy.
"Damn bridge!' I exhaled angrily. How could I focus on Craig when this damn thing needed all of my attention? I hate building things by hand. Just give me simple equations or something in math. They're a lot simpler.
"Measure these pieces at 6 and a quarter inches." Craig was good at taking charge of these types of things. I would have preferred to be the one to get the measurements and he the one that carried them out, but I wasn't going to say anything to him about it.
I was cutting some pieces with an exacto-knife when Craig said, "Let me see that for just a second." Without giving me time to hand it to him, he brushed his hand over mine to grab it from me. I froze briefly, taking in every possible sensation from the small touch. It wasn't that small really, not like just one finger barely grazed my hand, but all of them glided over my hand gently as they wrapped around the knife. His touch was so warm and soft. I closed my eyes.
"What?" When I opened my eyes Craig was looking at me strangely. Oh shit, I kind of forgot that he was right there.
"Just uh...smelling the balsa wood." God I can be an idiot sometimes.
"Why the fuck would you do that?" He replied condescendingly. I know I sort of deserved that tone, but I really hated him using it. Just because I'm inferior to him doesn't mean I like him trying to point it out. My self-esteem is pretty fragile when he has his hands on it.
"The smell just reminds me of something is all." I said a little too defensively. It was moments like these where I wish I could go back in time and change our conversations. I wasn't winning any points with Craig here.
"Ooookay." His dismissive tone informed me that he just wanted to drop the whole thing so I wouldn't weird him out more. Or maybe he didn't want any of my personality rubbing off on him or something. Sometimes I really wonder if Craig accepts me at all, or if he just doesn't know how to end our friendship. These thoughts caused me to keep quiet the whole afternoon while we worked.
We made a good start on our bridge that day.
"So guess what I'm doing tomorrow?" Craig said brightly. This instantly cheered me up as his new tone helped dispel the bad aftertaste of the fiasco earlier. Maybe he's already forgotten about it. That'd be great.
"What?" I asked interestedly. My good humor was about to crushed under a mountain of bad news.
"So check this out, Token and I are going on a double-date tomorrow. He's going to bring his car to pick up the girls. He's gonna supply the car, I'll supply the charm and good looks. But the important part is that I talked to Heidi today and we're definitely going to have sex. Her father will be out of the house tomorrow night so she can't wait to fuck me in her room. I'm going to give her the lay of a life-time!"
As much as him talking about Heidi bothered me before, it was nothing compared to how I felt now. I could swear there was a chunk of rock in my chest. It was a semi-tolerable thought before, but now the situation was much more serious. Sex was huge, and who knows what could happen with Heidi after that. It was easier to picture myself with Craig because he hadn't slept with a girl yet. I don't think he has. Should I ask him? Hell no that'd be weird and a little perverted. But I have to know! No you can't ask, dip-shit! Fuck it!!
"Aren't you a virgin, though?" I must of asked this as a way to maybe sway him from having sex with her. If he was a virgin, God willing, perhaps he'd just forgotten and me reminding him was what he needed to be scared about sex again.
Craig scowled a little. "Look who's talking." Yeah, that hurt a bit, it hurt later actually, right now I couldn't think about that remark. "So what if I am? It's called porn, dude. I've learned all I need to know from it."
Damn it! He sounds so confident! I've watched porn too...but after a while that man/woman stuff just became creepy. They're like psychotic animals. It was around that time that I started watching a little gay porn. So much of that stuff is tamer, and dare I say...sweet. Ugh I disgust myself sometimes. Especially when I masturbate using the image of Craig as one of the guys on the screen. I never did that at first, but eventually I needed something to spice it up, and Craig was more than perfect for that. God if he knew that...it's a damn good thing that no one can read minds.
After my little train of thought ended I focused back on what Craig had told me. The sinking feeling in my heart was heavier, much heavier. I had to think of some kind of escape from it. I became desperate, and said the only thing I could think of.
"Couldn't you just cancel it so you and I can do something tomorrow? Something funner than the bridge?" Holy shit I can't believe I said that. How needy. My mental bashing of myself stopped when I saw the expression on Craig's face. He was frowning angrily. Then he flipped me his middle finger. That was a bad...bad sign. Usually when he does that he either has no expression or he's grinning. Those ones you can't take very seriously. But when he's frowning it tells you he means it. My heart was throbbing with fear and I could only look at him with my mouth slightly open.
"Don't be a fag."
He then left me there. Sitting like some pathetic, clingy woman. I could have easily shot myself if there was a gun nearby. I stood up slowly, swallowing in an attempt to return moisture to my dry mouth. The stinging feeling in my chest along with the throbbing made me think I was having a heart attack, which was something I'd welcome gladly to put me out of my misery. The frown, the finger, the comment, and on top of that the knowledge that Craig was going to have sex with Heidi was too much. I ran into my room, slammed the door and dived onto my bed, sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow. Every tear took with it a little sadness, but everytime a little sadness faded it was instantly filled up again. I wanted to cry all night so the pain and sorrow wouldn't over-whelm me. "I'm such an idiot." I kept saying to myself, hoping that this would help Craig realize that as well so he knew what I said was a big mistake and he'd just forget about it. But he still was going to have sex with Heidi and as far as I was concerned, this meant I was out of the picture.
"I'm fucked." I choked out, eventually drifting away to sleep, which put an end to my misery momentarily.