It was a dark and stormy night. . .
James: He's coming! Go, run, save yourself!
Lily: Not without you!
James: Stop ruining my big heroic moment and move your arse! Go!
Lily starts walking away as slow as possible just to anger James, when suddenly. . .the mailman came by! Then the milkman. . . the neighbors came home. . .
James(addressing Lily who has now made it to the couch): Damn him! He was always late, you know, couldn't even show up on time to kill me properly. Ah well, I'll just save him the trouble then, got to keep on schedule. Advara Kedavra!
James falls dead on the floor and now Voldemort enters.
Voldie: Is he dead then?
Lily: Yep. . .I was thinking you'd never show up!
Voldie: I got stuck in traffic.
Lily(mutters): Traffic my bloomin' arse(more sweetly) let's be off.
Lily whips off her wizard robes and is now wearing black leather pants and a sparkly sequin top.
Voldie: Damn woman! You look phat!
Lily(giggles): You're such a sweety!(serious now) But remember you said that once we eloped you would change your way and be nice again. Promise?
Voldie(crosses fingers behind back): Promise.
Lily: Okay. Now kill the kid and let's be done with it.
Voldie: Advara-
Lily: Oh wait hold on! I forgot my nail file!
Lily runs to retrieve it, right across Harry's path.
Voldie: -Kedavra!
The spell struck Lily, kill her instantly, but the important part is that somehow the spell rebounded, consuming the Dark Lord and leaving him totally vaporized. . .and having an immense craving for mayonnaise.
* * * * *
Later, Hagrid flew on his purple tricycle, taking Harry to Dumbledore. Suddenly, spotlights appeared followed by Muggle policemen.
Policemen: Sir, you are flying an unregistered vehicle in a no-flying zone(points to a cloud with a sign posted on reading 'no flying! Unless you pay large amounts of money to the English government. Hasta luego')
Hagrid: Oh, I see. . .Judo-chop!
Hagrid judo-chopped the police officer who then fell off the helicopter. Instantly, his two fellow law enforcers reached for their guns. Hagrid leaped up matrix-style, but unfortunately the matrix couldn't support his massive bulk and he chrashed to the floor of the helicopter. Fortunately, the reverberations of his landing cause the policemen to loose their footing so they too plummeted to their deaths.
Hagrid: Sweet.
* * * * *
At the home of the Dursley's. . .
McGonagall: This sucks!
Dumbledore: I know, it's always sad when a family gets struck down to the Dark Lord.
McGonagall: No,not that. Ally Mcbeal comes on in twenty minutes so that overgrown lug of yours-
Dumbledore: I would trust Hagrid with. . .well actually I personally wouldn't want to give anything to that lush but since Fudge can become Minister I figured Hagrid could deliver a little boy.
McGonagall: Did you hear who got it?
Dumbledore: Err. . .no. I admit I didn't. I was at a nudist camp with Lucious Malfoy and let me tell you something about his wand. . .
McGonagall: No need, but don't you think you should know who got it?
Dumbledore: Oh I got it all right, my arse is still loose. . .Oh right, well lemme guess, please?
McGonagall: Sure, something's gotta pass the time.
Dumbledore: The Lestrages? The Longbottoms? The Patils? . . .
15 minutes later. . .
McGonagall: It's the Potters! The Potters were killed you apathetic moron! Christ, take some memory pills or some shit!"
Dumbledore: Look, just cause you missed Ally doesn't give you right-Whoa look out!!!!"
Hagrid landed his purple trike on top of McGonagall, squashing her onto the ground. The two men hurriedly picked up, Hagrid apologizing vehemently.
McGonagall: It's okay Hagrid; I think you're hot.
Hagrid: Ewww. . .
Dumbledore: Well, let's get going, we can still watch that hottie Dawson, I have the episodes taped.
Dumbledore put Harry on the Dursley's doorstep. Giggling he rang the doorbell then dove into the bushes when Aunt Petunia answered the door. She screamed loudly and Dumbledore looked over at the professor and gameskeeper.
McGonagall: 8.6
Hagrid: 9.1
Dumbledore: Score! But let's wait here until we've made certain that Harry'll be okay, or at least until the bloody woman stops screaming.
5 days later Petunia's screaming hasn't changed and all three wizards are sporting bags under their eyes.
Dumbledore: Umm, yeah, let's just go
James: He's coming! Go, run, save yourself!
Lily: Not without you!
James: Stop ruining my big heroic moment and move your arse! Go!
Lily starts walking away as slow as possible just to anger James, when suddenly. . .the mailman came by! Then the milkman. . . the neighbors came home. . .
James(addressing Lily who has now made it to the couch): Damn him! He was always late, you know, couldn't even show up on time to kill me properly. Ah well, I'll just save him the trouble then, got to keep on schedule. Advara Kedavra!
James falls dead on the floor and now Voldemort enters.
Voldie: Is he dead then?
Lily: Yep. . .I was thinking you'd never show up!
Voldie: I got stuck in traffic.
Lily(mutters): Traffic my bloomin' arse(more sweetly) let's be off.
Lily whips off her wizard robes and is now wearing black leather pants and a sparkly sequin top.
Voldie: Damn woman! You look phat!
Lily(giggles): You're such a sweety!(serious now) But remember you said that once we eloped you would change your way and be nice again. Promise?
Voldie(crosses fingers behind back): Promise.
Lily: Okay. Now kill the kid and let's be done with it.
Voldie: Advara-
Lily: Oh wait hold on! I forgot my nail file!
Lily runs to retrieve it, right across Harry's path.
Voldie: -Kedavra!
The spell struck Lily, kill her instantly, but the important part is that somehow the spell rebounded, consuming the Dark Lord and leaving him totally vaporized. . .and having an immense craving for mayonnaise.
* * * * *
Later, Hagrid flew on his purple tricycle, taking Harry to Dumbledore. Suddenly, spotlights appeared followed by Muggle policemen.
Policemen: Sir, you are flying an unregistered vehicle in a no-flying zone(points to a cloud with a sign posted on reading 'no flying! Unless you pay large amounts of money to the English government. Hasta luego')
Hagrid: Oh, I see. . .Judo-chop!
Hagrid judo-chopped the police officer who then fell off the helicopter. Instantly, his two fellow law enforcers reached for their guns. Hagrid leaped up matrix-style, but unfortunately the matrix couldn't support his massive bulk and he chrashed to the floor of the helicopter. Fortunately, the reverberations of his landing cause the policemen to loose their footing so they too plummeted to their deaths.
Hagrid: Sweet.
* * * * *
At the home of the Dursley's. . .
McGonagall: This sucks!
Dumbledore: I know, it's always sad when a family gets struck down to the Dark Lord.
McGonagall: No,not that. Ally Mcbeal comes on in twenty minutes so that overgrown lug of yours-
Dumbledore: I would trust Hagrid with. . .well actually I personally wouldn't want to give anything to that lush but since Fudge can become Minister I figured Hagrid could deliver a little boy.
McGonagall: Did you hear who got it?
Dumbledore: Err. . .no. I admit I didn't. I was at a nudist camp with Lucious Malfoy and let me tell you something about his wand. . .
McGonagall: No need, but don't you think you should know who got it?
Dumbledore: Oh I got it all right, my arse is still loose. . .Oh right, well lemme guess, please?
McGonagall: Sure, something's gotta pass the time.
Dumbledore: The Lestrages? The Longbottoms? The Patils? . . .
15 minutes later. . .
McGonagall: It's the Potters! The Potters were killed you apathetic moron! Christ, take some memory pills or some shit!"
Dumbledore: Look, just cause you missed Ally doesn't give you right-Whoa look out!!!!"
Hagrid landed his purple trike on top of McGonagall, squashing her onto the ground. The two men hurriedly picked up, Hagrid apologizing vehemently.
McGonagall: It's okay Hagrid; I think you're hot.
Hagrid: Ewww. . .
Dumbledore: Well, let's get going, we can still watch that hottie Dawson, I have the episodes taped.
Dumbledore put Harry on the Dursley's doorstep. Giggling he rang the doorbell then dove into the bushes when Aunt Petunia answered the door. She screamed loudly and Dumbledore looked over at the professor and gameskeeper.
McGonagall: 8.6
Hagrid: 9.1
Dumbledore: Score! But let's wait here until we've made certain that Harry'll be okay, or at least until the bloody woman stops screaming.
5 days later Petunia's screaming hasn't changed and all three wizards are sporting bags under their eyes.
Dumbledore: Umm, yeah, let's just go