The Moomin Invasion
"Bing! Bong!" The Captain called her robots to her office as she hopped around uncomfortably, full with murderous rage, her left wooden leg leaving scratch marks along the wooden floor as she used her only arm to pull at her matted hair.
Songs of beeps were heard and the room began to gently rumble as two six foot robots entered.
Angrily she studied them, deciding how she would punish them, they looked funny enough with their big square bodies and enormous square heads with the rainbow of lights and comical cartoon faces.
"I've had a letter!" She declared slamming her hand down on her desk suddenly. The brainless robots both jumped at the sound of her hoarse voice and soon found their heads being thrown into the bottom of the floor above.
The Captain pulled them both back out and they cowered in fear covered in dust and bits of other human sailors (the antennas on the robots heads had electrified the people in the room above exploding them).
"We're sorry!" Bing apologized in a toneless computerized voice. Bong nodded in agreement as he wiped an ear off his eye light.
The Captain huffed; she loved her robots so she couldn't stay mad at them for long.
Folding her arms she smiled crookedly laughing at the plans unfolding in her head.
"This letter I received today. The reason I'm angry. Do you know what it's about?" The Captain asked stroking her chin as she licked her lips; oh she was going to have some fun today.
Bong made an 'errrp' sound and a piece of paper left his mouth. He picked it up with a clawed hand and began to read in a voice identical to Bing's, "Captain, we have taken a disliking to your mental institute therefore we are coming all the way from Moomin Valley to destroy and take over the world. Yours truthfully, The Moomins. P.S. We also dislike your hat! End of transmission".
The Captain growled and slammed her wooden leg into the desk getting it stuck.
"You fuckers! How dare you not like my hat!" The Captain screamed in fury as she pulled her leg out and half the desk apart, the force of it all causing her to fall backwards.
"Does this mean we don't get pudding today?" A sailor popped his head through one of the giant holes above and the Captain was quick to blow his head off with her trusty shotgun.
"Yes, not only will you not be getting pudding, fuckers, you won't be getting your daily pictures of me and my hat!" The Captain screamed sliding around on bits of brain as she pulled herself to her feet.
"I love you, Bing", Bong recited suddenly and the Captain could not help but melt just a little bit. It somehow calmed her down and she remembered what she had had planned.
"Well yes. I have a job for you both. I want you to go collect the others and I want you to build me a robot army. I want you to duplicate some more Charlie's because we're running low and I want you to kick the crap out of these Moomin losers. Jeez I bet they're just jealous because I have style!"
"Yes, because everyone just loves the one armed one legged, typical pirate look!" Another sailor poked his head out of the hole and just as quickly as it came it was gone in a lovely shower of scarlet.
"Now go my minions!" The Captain grinned eating a piece of chewy flesh, "Destroy those pesky Moomins and bring me pie!"
The robots both left in a hurry sending out seeking noises with their high tech who knows what.
It did not take long for the other thousand robots to re-group and clone another couple of thousand Charlie's.
"To the front line!" Bing commanded picking up his own bag of Charlie's as he pointed with his free hand to the specially built war arena.
The robots beeped all together and began to bang the drums of war.
The Moomins were waiting when they arrived. Three foot high and white, these Moomins looked like terrible foe. Who knew that hippo looking trolls would ever need to wage war to take over the world? They were ugly enough as it was.
"There's no time for a pre war talk, Moomin Mama", little Moomin cried picking up his drill, "Let's just get them and destroy the hat!"
"Good thinking, ma'boy!" Moomin Pappa praised turning his own drill on full power, "Let's get these little what do you call'em's?"
Both sides prepared themselves. The left with their Charlie's at the ready and the right with their drills at the ready; it was now just a question as to who would go first.
Meanwhile watching from her office through secret cameras, the Captain was enjoying the scene with a large bottle of rum and a raw fish or two laughing to herself over how great her hat was…
"Die evil fiends!" Bong cried suddenly casting the first Charlie on to the Moomins. It squished Moomin Mamma (who was too busy going through her handbag to notice the on coming attack) into little pieces and covered her only son in trolly goo.
"NOOOOOOOO!" Moomin cried falling to his knees. He quickly recovered with a battle cry and hurtling his drill around his head he ran in for the kill.
The robots responded by throwing masses of Charlie's but Moomin caught everyone on his drill sending showers of blood onto all the robots, even the ones at the back.
"I'm rusting?" Bong questioned unable to throw anymore Charlie's due to the stiffening of his arms.
"We must change plans", another robot called from somewhere as every robot began to lose movement.
"Eat them!" Bing sang opening his large toaster like mouth scooping Moomin right up. A sickening crunch was heard and well that was the end of that Moomin.
"Taste's like hippo", Bing smiled like someone who was high, his pupils becoming big and shiny. Moomin meat had become their new heroin.
All the robots began to march forward then as they hunted down the Moomins leaving their Charlie's all behind.
This was a bad idea though as when Charlie's were unattended they became hungry and ate whatever they saw first. And today that just so happened to be the robots.
So one by one the robots were eaten in an oily mess as the Captain watched from afar.
"Yes!" She cried as the Charlie's all exploded from eating too much leaving the arena messy but void of life, "I HAVE WON THE WAR! THE HAT RULES ALL!"
Dancing around her 'office' she did not notice two others enter her room.
Snufkin not being very bright though cried out revealing his position.
"You killed my homo troll, you shall die!!"
From out of no where he started hurtling scarecrows at the Captain as she laughed her head off somehow catching every attack with her wooden leg.
"What the hell?" Snufkin stopped throwing as he stared in horror. Each scarecrow she caught was being absorbed by her leg, disappearing just like magic!
"You wanna see what happens next?" The Captain seductively reached down and unbuttoned her trousers dropping them to the floor.
Snufkin could only stare in horror as the Captain actually began to excrete what he had just thrown at her.
"Got your leg!" A small but deep voice suddenly yelled yanking the wooden leg off of the greatest pirate ever known to man.
The Captain fell to the floor losing balance and her voice.
"Little My! You saved me!" Snufkin praised his little sister with a big smile.
"Shut up you fucking wanker!" Little My screeched chucking the leg at her brothers head, "I just wanted to see her reaction".
They both looked to the Captain who was just staring silently at her bleeding stump of a leg.
She did eventually look up slowly, her eyes wide and her mouth smiling softly.
"My one true love is gone. My heart is broken. If this was a different day, a different time, we might have been friends, you fight the way I love to watch you fight but now I cannot live any longer. Without my leg you see I am just a humble Captain of a humble crew who has billions of pounds and owns the biggest mental institute in the world…I think my time has come…"
The Captain using her one arm pulled herself along the floor until she came to her window, Snufkin was there to aid her when she needed to climb onto the window sill, a smile gracing his face, eyes full of joy.
"Just please, please, keep shooting those sailors for me won't you?" The Captain made her last requests.
"Fuck off", Snufkin whispered softly and with a last glance behind her at her wooden leg she pushed herself off.
Down fifty storey's she flew until she squished in a fleshy pile on the outside world.
At last the war was won and Snufkin (newly named Captain Snufkin) would be there to kill another day.