I own nothing.
Sparklepelt: Hi everyone! (pushes kittypet magazine away) Welcome to the Random Factor: Warriors edition! And no, I am not a kittypet, nor do I think about becoming a kittypet. (shuts magazine which was on page 22—How Would YOU Like To Wear A Collar?)
Random Dog: Oh boy! I get to be on The Random Factor!
Sparklepelt: …*grr* Okay, just a minute everyone. (Sparklepelt tears apart dog behind tree)
Dog: Wah! (Runs off)
Sparklepelt: Heh, heh. Sorry about that. Anyway, you can just call me Spark.
Unidentified cat from nearby: Go Spark!
Spark: (rolls eyes) And here's my mouse-brained apprentice helper, Foxpaw!
Foxpaw: (who just fell out of the sky) I prefer the term co-host.
Spark: (narrows eyes) You'll take what I give you.
Foxpaw: But—
Spark: (presses The Random Button of Torture—or RBT—which sends Foxpaw flying up, then falling down, getting hit by Jayfeather's stick, and landing in some crowfood)
Foxpaw: Yuck!
Spark: (sweetly) Did I hurt you?
Foxpaw: (in toneless, robot voice) I am your apprentice.
Spark: (evilly thinking, MWAHAHA!) Thank you, Foxpaw. (makes mental note to kidnap Lionblaze and force him to be on the show)
Foxpaw: Now, let us bring out the Box de Randomness!
Random Cat From RandomClan: Here you, go, Spark. Are you sure you don't want to go out with me—
Spark: Yup. (presses the RBT which sends Random Cat flying through the sky and landing a million miles away)
Foxpaw: Would you like to do the honors, Spark?
Spark: Duh. (draws out a slip of paper from Random Box) And the unlucky cat for today is…*drumroll*…Dustpelt!
Foxpaw: Awesome, that's my dad!
Spark: Dustpelt is going to have to…*gasp*…make out with Foxpaw in front of Ferncloud!
Foxpaw: (faints)
Spark: (slaps him) Ferncloud! Dustpelt!
Ferncloud and Dustpelt: No! You can't make us come out! Not even if Tigerstar—
Tigerstar: Hello, Fernie!
Ferncloud: AUGH! (jumps into the open, dragging Dustpelt with her)
Audience That Had Been Invisible Until Now: Hahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahha! They're wearing bunny costumes!
Spark: (hiding laugh) Sorry, guys, it's part of the Randomness! *laugh, cough, laugh* And for my own personal enjoyment!
Dustpelt: You're a meanie!
Spark: Thank you. Now, I must put The Random Sp—Foxpaw, where's the scary music?
Foxpaw: Oh, sorry. (turns on CD, which plays a Dun DUN DUNNNN.
Spark: Okay. I will put The Random Spell of Randomness on you. It makes you do any random thing I command! (sprinkles sparkly powder all over them)
Dustpelt: How is this going to make me do anything?
Spark: It won't. He will. (presses button which makes Jayfeather in his Random Mood appear)
Jayfeather: Hahaha! I love CHEESE! Ha! PIE! FOX DUNG!
Dustpelt and Ferncloud: Okay, we'll do it!
Spark: (grins) Sweet. Okay, Dustpelt, do your stuff. But first—(makes a giant spotlight shine on Dustpelt so every cat in all the Clans can see him)
Dustpelt: *gulp* I love you, Foxpaw. (makes out with him)
Clans: Eww!
Blackstar: Can I have a turn? (this is followed by a violent scuffling where ShadowClan tears him apart)
Raggedstar: Blackstar, come with me. (Blackstar and Raggedstar go up to StarClan)
Russetfur: Yay! I'm leader now!
Spark: Okay…Oh! Look at Dustpelt!
Ferncloud: Get away from my son! (kills her mate)
Spark: Um…we're going to end the show a little early…(ducks as a dust-colored limb flys past her head) Please let me know who you would like to co-host with me next time, and which cat to torture—I mean, annoy! See you guys later! (Runs away before she gets killed)