I recently reread everything I've written here. Holy cow. So I started writing a little snarky summary of the major plot points so I could keep track of things. Then I thought it was silly enough to post here as a parody and critique of my own stories. I'm gearing up to start the next major storyarc of the fic soon, but in the meantime, enjoy this little snack!

Ash and Evie in Fifteen Minutes
For those who don't feel like surfing through the entire series.
(With love to the incomparably funny Cliolinda Jones, who came up with the "Movies in 15 Mintues" concept.)

The Scar

ADULT EVIE: I'm a bitchy college professor who bears no resemblance at all to Twitchy, who also happens to be a bitchy college professor. Because, hello, I teach ley lines instead of biology and I have a scar on my face instead of adult acne.

TWITCHY: The short hair and the demon fetish and the mid-thirties appearance? Totally a coincidence. Besides, if Evie was a Mary Sue, she'd have uber-special secret powers! And she'd be a ninja! (P.S. I do not have acne. Much.)

DEREK: Um...I don't care?

EVIE: Why are you here again? You want to hear the story about the creepy scar on my cheek?

DEREK: Um, no, actually I asked about demon summoning.

EVIE: Sit down and keep your fool mouth shut.

Somewhere in Colorado, Pre-Turn

A group of witch teens are hanging around a campfire. They are drawn together for one reason: they're witches in a human world that doesn't know witches really exist. This is far more irritating if you're still in high school and could spell the shit out of other teens who annoy you, but can't blow your cover.

16-YEAR-OLD EVIE: I'm the studious social misfit. I'm not like 16-year-old Twitchy at all. No sir.

16-YEAR-OLD TWITCHY: The long hair and the tendency to wear gauzy skirts and write shitty poetry? Totally a coincidence.

RED: I'm the jock. I am named after a character in literature that Twitchy finds irritating.

TOBY: I'm the brimstonehead. I am named for a kid who made fun of Twitchy in grade school.

JUDY: I'm the rival for Ash's affections. I am named after a TV character that Twitchy finds annoying.

GREG: I'm the random other dude, and I'm not named for anyone. In fact, one of Twitchy's closest college friends is named Greg. Clearly I'll get off easy in this story.

ASH: I'm the demon antihero. I bear no resemblance to Twitchy's darling husband, despite being tall, slender, blond, snarky, super intelligent and overall a sexy, sexy geek.

TWITCHY'S HUSBAND: Wait, what? Twitchy, that's...pretty creepy.

ASH: But honest, I'm not like all the other demons. I'm nice. Let me teach you how to really annoy your parents!

RED: *swoon*

ASH: I'll teach you to make better brimstone!

TOBY: *swoon*

ASH: ...and how to sex up girls, demon style!

GREG and JUDY: *swoon*

ASH: ...and some sweet ley line skills!

EVIE: I do not swoon for demons.

ASH: Did I mention you're my favorite?

EVIE: *reluctant swoon*

JUDY: *is jealous*

GREG: *is jealous of Judy's jealous*

Later That Summer:

ASH: So! Who wants to summon a potentially lethal nearly omnipotent being to your plane? Volunteers?

KIDS: Me! Me!

ASH: I should mention that there's a tattoo involved. And you'll owe a demon an unspecified favor, which I'm sure you'll agree is probably totally and completely harmless.

JUDY: Me! Me...? *looks around* What, just me?

ASH: *whispers secret codename, brands Judy's arm with magical mark*

EVIE: Aren't any of you at all creeped out by this?

EVEYRONE ELSE: Don't spoil it!

Next Week: The Summoning

ADULT EVIE: Kids, don't try this at home unless you are an utter, utter moron.

KIDS: Look at us and our bad selves!

ASH: Yes, look at you and your bad selves! I love you guys. Let me out of this circle and bring to me the mysterious items I asked you all to bring when you came to meet with me privately before hand and didn't tell Evie!

KIDS: Woohoo!

EVIE: Um, guys...? Are you sure about this? And by the way, what's he talking about?

ASH: What, you forgot?

EVIE: Forgot what?

ASH: Girl, if you had objections you should have stayed home, it's a little late now that I'm here!

EVIE: Way to make me look like a bimbo, Ash.

JUDY: You didn't need his help for that, bright eyes. She's just jealous of our deep and meaningful relationship, Ash. I'm sure speaking hastily out of irritation, and thus altering the bargain, wasn't at all what you had in mind all along.

ASH: Of course not. So? Y'all OK with this?

KIDS: Yes!

EVIE: We are so very, very screwed.

(Ash comes out of the circle and unsurprisingly, is evil. What a shock.)

JUDY: But...but...

ASH: Duh.

KIDS: *scatter*

JUDY: *is kidnapped*

TOBY: *is kidnapped*

RED: *is kidnapped*

GREG: *is caught but not yet dragged off*

EVIE: *seals herself in Ash's own summoning circle* ItoldyousoItoldyouso!

ASH: Heh, that's actually pretty clever! You go, girl.

EVIE: Thanks. Um. Let me go?

ASH: HAHAHAHA. Let me in?

EVIE: HAHAHAHA. No.

ASH: I'll give you a cookie?

EVIE: No.

ASH: I'll only enslave and humiliate you a little bit?

EVIE: Not a chance.

ASH: I'll beat up your friend, here.

EVIE: Knock yourself out.

GREG: Bitch. *is tortured*

ASH: Damn, that usually works. How about I'll imitate your loved ones and make you feel really, really bad?

EVIE: Nope. Does that usually work?

ASH: No, but it's fun. *poofs with Greg*

EVIE: Still not coming out.

Hours Later

EVIE: Still not coming out. *yawn* Or falling asleep, either.

EVIE'S DAD: There you are! You are in a heap of trouble, young lady.

EVIE: You have no idea.

EVIE'S DAD: Come out now.

EVIE: No.

EVIE'S DAD: Come out or you're grounded for life, Evelyn!

EVIE: My name's not Evelyn, you demon asshole.

ASH DISGUISED AS EVIE'S DAD: Damn it, girl, you're actually making me work. All right, then, didn't want to do this...

(ASH powers up and zaps the circle. EVIE dips into her mighty powers of foreshadowing and zaps him back. This does not end well for either of them.)

ASH: Fucking OW. *heals himself*

EVIE: Ow. Ow ow ow. *does not heal herself*

ASH: Holy shit. I have totally found myself a new familiar. *glee*

EVIE: Ow!

ASH: Except your aura's conveniently damaged so I can't kidnap you right now.

EVIE: Ow?

ASH: So instead I'm going to cuddle you in a way that is not inappropriate at all given that you're sixteen and I'm several thousand years old. I'll find you again. Have a kiss, demon style. *slashes her cheek, vanishes with the sunrise*

EVIE: Fucking OW. *faints*

Modern day:

ADULT EVIE: So that's why I have a scar, a limp, PTSD, the temper of a grumpy hyena, am borderline alcoholic and have absolutely no sex drive.

DEREK: TMI, Doctor.

EVIE: Moral of the story: demons are bad. Now get lost.

DEREK: Did I mention Red's my grandfather? And I'm here to guilt trip you like hell into getting him back? I'll summon one myself if you won't help. Now that you've told me exactly how to do it and all.

EVIE: Fuck. *headdesk*

Next Episode: Ashes to Ashes