Hi guys. This is the first fanfiction I ever published. Of course I do a lot of writing, but on my mother language, and a different genre. I just came to love Natsume and Tanuma so much :3 So I want them to be able to love each other as well! I fact, I plan this story to be looooong. It is based on the Aerosmith song "Dream on" - it's just perfect, listen to it!

I plan some Tactics and Mushishi elements, love, action and a bit of sex :D So, please, comment and help me getting better in this genre, and finish this story for you! And for the boy's sake :)

Argh, and sorry for my language imperfections.

Love and hugs,

Biryoshka

Like dusk to dawn

It was half a year before they were to finish high-school when Tanuma announced his leaving. He was somewhat suspicious from the beginning of the semester, but Natsume thought it was only his paranoia. He was also being busy with giving back names and his eventual business with Natori-san. These were enough to keep him from noticing what was going on.

True, his friend had put enormous effort into learning during the past few months. But he was always eager to learn and was one of the few people who enjoyed school. So about Tanuma decision to take his final exams at the end of the first semester, Natsume got to know just the exact same day when he came to school for the last time.

He wore a black suit Natsume has never seen before, and a faint, distant smile – this latter was more familiar. It took only a few minutes for the boy to remember it was the same smile Tanuma had when they first met. No, he was not honest... He actually knew something was going on. But he didn't want to notice. No matter how many times he told Tanuma he did not want him to be involved in his youkai troubles, it had never once crossed his mind that his friend would finally obey and back out.

That day Tanuma had been waiting for them in front of the school, at the bench where they usually had lunch together. Nishimura, Kitamoto and Taki had already been there. He still could recall the cold grab in his chest that he felt by the sight of his friends, Tanuma wearing that formal outfit which made him look as if he was up for a funeral. Well, their faces reflected somewhat the same. Even Nyanko-sensei noticed the change in mood and hopped off his shoulder, saying something as unimportant and insensitive as usual, something about that he could only take gloomy humans after enough sake. With that statement he was already off. It was better like that though. Natsume would remember he was pretty hurt by that behavior, but Nyanko-sensei really was not a great help with emotions, and his comments wouldn't have made the situation any better. In fact he got enough of his care later on.

As Natsume approached the depressed bunch, he still managed to pull a small smile as they greeted each other. It was a long silence that followed, so he cleared his throat, looking for something painfully stupid to ask. Something like:

"That is a pretty uniform, Tanuma. Is it new?" or "What's the occasion? You overdressed all of us."

He could never actually remember what he had asked, no matter how many times he got to recall the day. His line would change as the least important part, but his question must have been particularly blunt since his friends' reaction was a slight chuckle. In a situation like that, it was clearly an achievement.

"Natsume" he heard Tanuma's deep voice. The smile had disappeared in an instance. He was looking at his friend, waiting for him to continue but Tanuma fell silent. Natsume's only thought was that the black uniform made his eyes even blacker, if that was possible at all. Compared to that, Tanuma's hair got a bluish shine, like raven feathers. He was a painfully beautiful sight.

"Tanuma is leaving the village" it was either Kitamoto or Nishimura to speak up.

Whichever, the shock was so intense, the gap between two heartbeats so long, that his memories became blurry. He had no recollections of the following minutes. They probably went on explaining the situation. Tanuma held his school leaving documents tight to his chest, that's his only clear memory. He was also sure he learnt at that time, that his friend was planning this already for months, and that he decided to join his father on a trip, this time not only for a few weeks, but maybe even a year or so.

Natsume remembered all those conversations about their future, when they both found comfort in each other's indecisiveness. He remembered those lightheaded laughters, and the silly jokes about what future jobs they could imagine for the other. Tanuma would be either a teacher, oversleeping his lessons, or the drummer of the national orchestra who would always screw up that one single beat he'd need to play. Tanuma would laugh and punch Natsume's arm lightly during those talks. And Natsume, he would be a politician speaking up for youkai rights. "You would be the indispensable fool of the parliament, who would be neither right nor left wing as there are no one-winged youkai to be known." Natsume had been so sure they would still be sharing these jokes, even if with growing anxiety, but for at least one more year or so. He was sure he would find some unimportant job near the village, and that his friend would simply take over his father's shrine. He never considered reality. Never ever.

Now reality came as a punch in his face; Tanuma had been planning to leave for so long and didn't say a single word. It hurt. It hurt so much that for a while it simply shut his feelings down. His senses, his mind went blank and for a long time, for months as he recalled, all his emotions were shallow and superficial.

"I have to go in a week" Tanuma said. He spoke to all of them, but to Natsume it felt as if Tanuma directed his words only to him. "My father is going a bit earlier, so he allowed me to have a good bye party in the house. So... If you would like to... I would be happy to have you there for one more time."

One more time, he said. In the first months, Natsume would ruminate over this phrase several times, looking for the answer; was it one more time, or just one more, but not the last time? To simplify it; will Tanuma be back? Will he ever return? But as to most of the unspoken questions, he has received no answer at all.

Tanuma's father had left in two days. At least according to the lower class youkai who lived close by, his chanting could not be heard anymore. In those days Tanuma did not show his face at all, and Natsume came to the conclusion he was deliberately avoiding him. Ever since his announcement, they could not look at each other straight in the eye. In a short hour, just as the five of them walked home that day, the tension between them became so intense, he couldn't take it anymore. He came up with a half cooked excuse and fled. As he ran across the fields towards the nearby river, he was trying to name his feelings. Lost in his thoughts, he failed to notice the huge hairy youkai approaching him.

When he woke, a day later, he had high fever and only a comfortably seated Nyanko-sensei on his stomach would let him know, he was being a wimp again. The hairy youkai wanted the Book of Friends, indeed, and Natsume would have been eaten in an instant if Nyanko-sensei did not show up. He brought Natsume back to the Fujiwara house, where Touko-san found him lying in the yard. Anaemia, they would say, as always.

"Not as if anaemia would produce fever" yawned the fat cat and licked his paws before rolling up again. Natsume was only half conscious, therefore he only remembered he was over-anxious about something, but he could not recall what it was. The fact that Tanuma's name kept echoing in his head was actually nothing new. It would happen every now and then when he was too weak to have control of his mind.

This is how he finally ended up seeing Tanuma only once during his last week. It took him three days to recover, and even after he felt so weak that Touko-san forced him to stay in bed. As he started remembering Tanuma's words, he was overtaken by something he could best describe as panic. He tried calling the shrine for several times, but the line was off. It was logical, as there was no one to take over the shrine. Why would they need a phone? Natsume knew and understood this, but even like that, while listening to Nyanko-sensei's mocking, he would try dialling Tanuma's number. In those short seconds of fake hope he imagined his friend's soft, low voice greeting him, and his heart always skipped a beat when he heard a click... Maybe this time he really would get through... But then finally only a mechanical voice would speak up, letting him know – for the tenth time that day – that the number he called did not exist.

It was only one day left until the party when Natsume was allowed to leave the house. He tried only twice to climb over his widow, but one time the middle-class were drinking heavily on the rooftop and have held him up with something irritatingly stupid, the other day it was Touko-san and Shigeru-san having a romantic star watching in the garden. Natsume was already halfway out when he noticed them. They were seated close to each other, Touko-san's head resting peacefully on the man's shoulder. The moonlight was soft and somehow warm on them. And before he knew, Natsume was frozen to the windowsill by some alien pain. "I thought you were going" – he heard Nyanko-sensei from his feet and the fat cat jumped next to him. "Impossible" – Natsume stated, pointing towards the couple. "I don't want to disturb" – he added when Sensei gave him a suspicious look. "You COULD sneak out" – stated the cat, and the boy knew he really had the chance. But he just couldn't bring himself to risk the breaking of the Fujiwara's rare moment for themselves. For their love. "I should" – he mumbled. But did not move. The Fujiwaras deserved this moment. They shared their lives with each other for so long. As for Natsume... He did not share his life with anyone. Well, except Nyanko-sensei, but the image of them sitting under the moonlight the same way was just hilarious. "Wimpy as always" – yawned the cat and withdrew to the warmth of Natsume's room. Yes, right – the boy thought. He was a coward. He could have shared his life with someone. With Tanuma, for example. With Tanuma, as the only example. Gosh, he MUST see Tanuma, he knew, but the more he knew, the less chance he had. He was up until 4am, when the sun rose. The Fujiwaras talked over the night. Natsume fell asleep on the windowsill without even noticing, and woke only when Touko-san knocked on his door to bring breakfast and some letters.

And then there was only one day left. Only one.

As they walked towards Tanuma's house, it became clear that the weaker youkai have already taken back the fields around the shrine. Natsume remembered it was just the same before Tanuma's father had taken over the place and his everyday chants and extra prayers cleared the surrounding area. As he slowed his steps, keeping half an eye on the new youkai guys hiding in the bushes, he also remembered that his friendship with the middle class and the whole Dog's Circle was somewhat thanks to the old monk. The memories of those days swept over him like a whirlwind. From the day when he first sensed the change, to the day when he learnt about the new student in school. How excited the girls were! He needed to smile. Well, the black haired boy was surely not a let down when it came to his looks, but his behaviour was another thing. Just how lonely they were... And what a long way they came. He felt his lips pulling into a bittersweet smile, just when Sensei, who was trying to keep up with his pace, broke the silence.

"Hey, Natsume."

"What?"

"You're gonna clear out the whole flora and fauna with that gloom on your face."

Natsume stared at the cat. He just realised this was the first time he didn't even think of putting effort into hiding his emotions. The comment took him completely off guard. Was it mockery or rather caution?

"Sensei..."

He was not planning to say anything, therefore it came by luck that the fat youkai haven't even let him continue.

"You think there will be sake as well?"

"Wha...?! Sensei! Is that the only reason you are coming for?"

"Not the only one. Of course not. For fried shrimp and grilled octopus as well."

Natsume couldn't recall which emotion dominated, his frustration about the cat giving a damn about Tanuma's leaving or gratitude, that he actually got pulled out of his miserable mental state for a moment.

"That's so tasteless."

"What? Shrimp?"

"SENSEI! You know what I mean. How can you only think of food and alcohol at a time like this?!"

"At a time like what?" – the cat squinted at Natsume. "Are we not going to a party? Otherwise..." – he stopped and showed up a handwritten invitation as a trump card. "I have special invitation."

Sadly, he had a point there. While Natsume was sleeping on the windowsill, Tanuma had probably showed up to hand over two invitation cards to Touko-san, both handmade; one for him and one for Nyanko-sensei. His contained some basic lines, but more importantly a silly drawing of partying youkai. Tanuma's sketches were clearly based on the stories Natsume told about the Dog's Circle, they resembled so much. He even laughed a little at the sight. He wouldn't have thought someone would ever pay so much attention to his words and would even remember them. Nyanko-sensei's on the other hand had drawings of shrimp and octopus. And sake. It was so easy to buy him.

"It is nor for you. It is for Ponta" – Natsume remembered, and he thought it was his chance to strike back.

"That's just my incognito. Besides... It's not my fault that your friend is so weak in the head."

"WHAT" – that was getting clearly an insult. "Do you know what Ponta is? A fat name. A fat name for a fat cat."

"WHO'S FAT?! It's round. ROUND."

"Ah" – Natsume said slyly. "So you finally admit you are a cat."

Nyanko-sensei face was priceless as he stared at Natsume, and he finally couldn't help laughing. Just a few moments later though, the youkai sniffed the air, and his eyes shining up, he ran off towards the house that was hiding behind some high-grown trees. "That's my shrimp-shrimp-shrimp" – he heard Sensei singing. Before he could call after him, Tanuma showed up at the turn of the road, waving his hand towards him.

Natsume felt his heart sunk, and had to force his feet to move on. The question, whether to bother about his smile crossed his mind in an instant; it made no sense in front of his friend. And he still felt that damn smile appearing on his lips.

"The loudest couple of he neighborhood arrived" – Tanuma smiled back.

"Whoa. We are not so close" – Natsume tried joking.

It was awkward. He was waiting for Tanuma to lecture him about his fake smile, or his carelessness about walking alone in the forest... But none of the usual lines came. It was only a sigh-like "Yeah" – Tanuma managed and then fell silent.

"Well, I'm sorry for not visi..."

"Well, I'm sorry that I fell ill and..."

They started talking at the same time and stopped at the same time as well. Tanuma laughed a little, but his laughter was as forced as Natsume's smiles. We are even the same way awkward... – would Natsume think later. They were like each others reflections.

"You first" – Tanuma said.

"Ah... No, I mean..." – Natsume felt a painful blush on his cheeks. Should he reveal his present for Tanuma now? Should he give him the clumsy notebook he made...? Should...?

"Well. Then come in. I'm happy you came" – Tanuma's voice cut his hesitation in half, and he turned away. "The others are in the garden already. And... Well, as I hear, Ponta and Taki also had their reunion."

With that, he was already walking towards the back yard.

"Well, thank you for the invitation..." – he whispered to himself, following Tanuma to the others.

The party though was unexpectedly good. Even Nyanko-sensei shared this opinion which was rather rare. Otherwise he hated spending time with humans, wimps particularly. But Tanuma really took him as a special guest. And if this not had been flattering enough, he revealed some bottles of sake. They were in the garden, making a bonfire, barbecuing whatever could be barbecued, Nishimura's hand too, but there was no emergency. It was so nice, sharing the day with these warm people, telling stories, calling back old memories, playing games Natsume have never got to play before, and rolling the completely drunk Nyanko-sensei around the house. Nishimura and Kitamoto magically haven't caught the sight of the youkai emptying the bottles, so they were stuck at the idea of the cat breaking a bottle accidentally and licking up the liquor. Natsume was first really tense about the whole thing but his friends kept talking about how cool it was that Sensei could drink, and they even made up superhero stories about him. So after a while he figured it was just fine, and only him, Taki and Tanuma shared a knowing smile.

If the lights never had started fading, if the air had not gone chillier – so much they finally had to go back to the house – , and if only he had not seen the empty rooms... Natsume could have forgotten the reason that brought them together that day. While the others went on laughing, he felt his mood fading with the day. He kept looking around in the empty house, searching for any objects to hold onto as a memento of those times he spent here. Those long talks they had after the lights were off. The smell of breakfast coming from the distance as he woke, to find Tanuma already in the kitchen – where he came out to be really clever. Now it was only the laid out tatamis, and a few boxes with the "Tanuma" name written on each side.

"What's in those?" – Nishimura asked, already peeking into one without permission. A CD box fell off and the disc rolled out.

Tanuma just walked back to the room, and followed the disc's route towards Natsume's feet. When, bumping into his feet, it have finally stopped, the boys looked at each other. For the first time, into the eye, since Tanuma's announcement. It took about two seconds, but even that short time seemed heartbreakingly long, before the black haired boy turned to place the tray he carried on the floor. He brought fresh tea and some snacks. Natsume sighed. He had a slight hope that would help lifting the heavy pressure in his chest, but it did not.

"Leftovers" – Tanuma explained, while pouring tea. "Mostly my father's old stuff. We can't really bring a lot of things, but we did not want to throw out the rest, so... An old friend will come over tomorrow and takes those. We'll decide later what to do with them."

"Oh?" – Nishimura raised an eyebrow. "Since he was a priest... I mean there might be some interesting stuff in there?"

Tanuma laughed. "I don't know what you mean."

"Some sacred, maybe" – Kitamoto joined.

"Nay. Not really" – Tanuma shook his head with a smile. "Well, sacred in another way. It's rather his memories from the early days you know. You may dive in, if you're interested. I don't think he would mind, anyway."

That was the trigger, and the two boys were already jumping heads front into the boxes, pulling out letters and notebooks, whatever they found.

Natsume picked up the CD, and took a look. It was a CD of an old band, judging by the look of the guys printed on the disc. They must have been European or American. He did not want to look at Tanuma, or join the other boys' silly quest, nor taking advantage of Sensei's drunken state as Taki did, so he rather examined the moustached , long-haired guys closer.

"Aerosmith. That was my dad's fav..." – he heard Tanuma's voice suddenly from so close he almost jumped. He felt his cheeks blushing as he peeked over his shoulder and detected how close his friend stood.

"O... Oh...?"

Tanuma gave him a faint, but soft smile and Natsume couldn't help thinking it was like the last , warm sunbeam that was to disappear at the horizon.

"If once it is out... We could listen, right?" – he took the disc from Natsume, their fingers softly brushing together. While Tanuma seemed neutral about the touch, Natsume felt his whole face burning as well as the thin line from his fingers to his knuckles.

He couldn't even manage an answer, his friend already stepped away. Now that his body was not behind Natsume's, he could feel the chilly air seeping in under the door. He shivered and touched his back pocked instinctly, where he held the Book of Friends, and the present he still needed to give... But the present was nowhere. He felt his pockets again.

No way...

He lost it. But where? When? He wanted to go out searching, but couldn't come up with a good excuse. And what would happen if a youkai chose this time to attack? Was he ready with any explanation for Tanuma if the events took such a turn? No. And otherwise... He didn't want any youkai be drawn close to the house by accident. No matter how much it ached... it seemed his farewell to Tanuma was meant to be fucked up from the very beginning.

In the meantime, Taki helped Tanuma find a player, and the music was shortly on. It was old rock, and really strange to listen to. Especially for Natsume whose mood was so bad he actually just grew more frustrated about the guitar solos.

But the others seemed to get enthusiastic, and equipped with some thick books, they gathered around the snacks and tea.

"Is this the type of music priests listen to...?" Nishimura asked, laughing a little.

"Yeah, it's just weird" Kitamoto nodded.

"I don't really know what other priests do" Tanuma scratched his head. "But my father used to listen to his band a lot."

"It sounds like... I don't know. It's not as peaceful as you would imagine a priest" Taki noted.

"Ah well" Tanuma smiled softly. "I guess not. But my father always said that listening to it drew the bad emotions out of him, so he could stay positive."

"That's rather nice" Taki smiled and squeezed Nyanko-sensei a bit more. The poor cat seemed sick.

"Yes, but otherwise not even my father was born as a priest... I mean..." Tanuma glanced at Nishimura and Kitamoto, who were already running through one of the thick books they had found in the box. It was the yearbook of Tanuma father, still from the seventies.

Soon the laughter grew louder than the music, as the friends have found the yearbook picture of Tanuma's dad – like a more round faced Tanuma, but with hilariously long, wavy black hair, a thin moustache and John Lennon style glasses. Kitamito was laughing so hard his tears were flowing.

"What's with that worm under your dad's nose, Tanuma?" he gaped.

"Let him be" Tanuma laughed as well, trying to get back the book. "That was all he managed to grow."

Now even Natsume laughed a little. A small, sad laughter. But the sight really had been just ridiculous. He was awfully happy on the other hand that the younger Tanuma had not even tried with moustache growing. When he gave sound to his relief, a small intermezzo came, where Nishimura chased the poor Tanuma around the house with a permanent ink-marker to try moustache styles on him, and they all laughed hard.

It was finally Taki to break the chase, and by grabbing the black haired boy's hand, she pulled him back to the ground.

"Just stop for a moment. If once the yearbook... Well, I know this is not the final version, but I asked for our yearbook. So that you can take your memories with you..." she blushed slightly. "If you wanted to."

She revealed a neatly wrapped book, with a pretty bow on it. Natsume watched it and thought of his crappy notebook once again. He should be going to search for it. But who knows where and when he had lost it? Even if he found it, maybe it was already soaky of dew, and would look even crappier. The whole making of it was a silly and ridiculous idea, anyway. No, even worse. It was pathetic and sad.

Tanuma blushed too, but managed a shy thank you to Taki.

"Thank you... But you shouldn't gave... I mean... It means a lot, but..."

"Come on, you deserve it" Nishimura stated.

"Yeah, and this one, too" Kitamoto revealed another box and grinned at Nishimura. "It's from the two of us.

While Tanuma seemed to be at loss of words, Natsume felt as if the ground opened under him. So everyone was making presents... And they even managed to deliver it. What on earth was the problem with him?

"Open it!" Nishimura kept poking Tanuma's arm, so the boy opened the clumsy package. It was an apron with the picture of fried rice and the line: Keep calm and eat Kaname-chan's fried rice. At first there was a short moment of silence before Tanuma turned even redder and he burst out laughing, along with Taki. It was well done, the joke sweet and polite and Kitamoto and Nishimura winked at each other.

Putting the apron on, Tanuma smiled, and they admired him for a while before they started reading the yearbook. They all, except for Tanuma, glanced at Natsume but he just shook his head shortly. He saw Nyanko-sensei squinting at him, and showing a slight grin, but he ignored him and tried to think at least he was getting enough punishment from Taki.

The evening passed by with watching the yearbook, and listening to the Aerosmith album once again.

They have decided on sleeping a lot after midnight, and it was only then that Natsume managed to catch Tanuma alone as he stood alone on the terrace, watching the moon. He still wore his apron.

Natsume stood by him and glanced at his moonlit face, the faint silver gleam on his hair. His black eyes seemed to absorb all the light. The others were already snoring behind them, and the only other sound to be heard was only the whisper of the branches and leaves above them.

"Tanuma..." he whispered finally. He had no plan about what to say.

"Hm...?" Tanuma kept his eyes on the moon.

"I... I'm... So... I also had a present for you... But I've lost it somewhere... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't say a proper good b..."

"It's ok" Tanuma interrupted. "It's OK you couldn't give it... Natsume. It would have made the whole just harder."

Natsume felt his heart beating so hard it was almost audible in the silence. He felt his hands were getting sweaty as Tanuma turned to him and their eyes met. It was just lucky the moonlight was so place, it hid the burn on Natsume's neck and cheeks. Say something. Tell him you wanted to share your life with him. Just say... Say it already, dammit...

"I have long figured I can not be a help for you" – Tanuma went on, almost whispering. "I had enough of being weak and only being a burden for you. I know I should have told... I guess I should have. But this is what you wanted."

The last line was like a punch in the stomach.

"That's... Not true" – he breathed.

"It IS true. I'm weak and just make more trouble for you. I know well enough. There is nothing I can help you with."

"Tanuma! Stop it! Well, fine, I am always worried about you... That's true. But just because you are important and I don't want you to get hurt!"

"You are so damn selfish" broke out of the black haired boy. "You keep everyone at a distance, because you are afraid of letting anyone close. And you keep saying it is for our sake, without noticing it hurts. Yes, don't make such a look... It hurts a lot. It hurts a lot that you never consider other people's decisions and wishes. I wished to be by your side. I wanted to help. You think I was not worried about you? You think I didn't want to protect you from being hurt? You think it made me feel happy and safe to be kept so far from you? I told you so many times... And still... All you cared about was just your selfish worry, and covardice. You are a damn control freak. That's why... I had enough."

As Tanuma's voice faltered, a heavy silence fell between them. Natsume felt his legs were shaking, and the air felt somehow ten times colder than before. Tanuma's outburst was so sudden... Yet so true. His words were annihilating and painful, all the more because of the pain Tanuma must have felt during the years of their friendship. Natsume's eyes were burning but he kept back his tears... He didn't want to make the things even worse. But they were just pressing out too hard...

"I'm sorry" he breathed and did the only thing that seemed a right end for the scene; he started running.

Running into the cold, silvery night, with his tears flowing uncontrollably from his eyes.

He kept running until he could still stand on his feet. No one, not even Nyanko-sensei came after him. He was exhausted of the run and all the crying. Even like that though, he managed to keep his common sense as much to keep moving; if he lay down and showed weak or without direction he'd be easy pray for those who wanted the Book of Friends.

It was already dawn when he got home. He wanted to sneak in unnoticably but Touko-san was Already up, making breakfast.

"I thought you'd be home early" she smiled softly when seeing Natsume's red eyes. "Your friend popped in just half an hour ago to say good bye to us... He is so nice... A shame he leaves."

Natsume just nodded. So Tanuma came. Maybe he wanted to make up... Maybe he wanted to see he was safe. Maybe... Whatever. He was being a coward, just as Tanuma said, and ran away. He felt like crying again but was just too exhausted.

"Yes. It's a shame" he answered slowly.

"Ah, dear..." Touko-san embraced him tightly and caressed his back a bit. "He's such a good friend. You can be sure he'll be visiting many times. Or maybe he'll even come back, right?"

She smiled so nicely, Natsume didn't feel like inking her mood even more. So he faked just one more smile. One more, or one more? He didn't know.

"Wash your face and then you can come for breakfast" Touko-san let him go.

"All right, thank you" he said, though he didn't feel like eating at all. Lies, lies lies. He hated himself so much. He just turned away when the woman called after him.

"Anyway, Tanuma-kun has left you a CD. I put it on your desk."

"Oh... Ok."

A CD?

Natsume ran to his room and grabbed the CD. It was the Aerosmith album they listened to. He opened it in a rush and have looked inside the cover, then under the disc... Maybe a hidden message somewhere... But there was nothing. He did not understand. What was Tanuma trying to say?

He held the CD to his chest and collapsed on his futon. It was just then he stated crying, loud and bitter, the first time without fearing to be weak.