Hoshi had never done her best thinking at night. Sometimes she wondered why that still seemed to be true so far into deep space, where day and night were nothing more than a function of the ship's chronometer. As much as she would have liked to, she couldn't blame it on fatigue. It had been a long day but she still felt wide awake and alert. Even so, it was always during the evening hours that the lonely thoughts would come to her, and this night was no exception. Alone in her quarters, her mind began to wander into places she knew better than to tread.
"What's the matter, Hoshi? Couldn't sleep?"
Trip's voice sounded so innocent as he looked up at her from his table in the mess hall. Maybe it would be better to just nod and smile, and not burden him with the truth. Or better yet, she could stop acting like such a child and let him get back to working on that PADD he had in front of him. Even this late at night, the chief engineer surely had much better things to do than coddle a lovesick ensign.
"I didn't feel like being cooped up in my quarters. I thought I'd see if there were any other insomniacs up who could use the company."
"Pull up a chair and make yourself at home."
Hoshi did just that, half-hoping that Trip would quickly forget she was there and go back to what he'd been working on. But Trip was far too welcoming and warm-natured to treat her that coldly. She didn't often have the chance to socialize with him, with communications and engineering being as separate as they were, but she knew from her few experiences with him that his was among the gentlest souls on Enterprise. If anyone could understand her, it would be him.
"What's on your mind, Hoshi?"
A playful smile shaped her lips. What a simple question, she thought, and what a complicated answer she had. Better to start somewhere more straightforward. "I've been wondering a lot recently… you and T'Pol. How did the two of you ever manage to come together?"
"You mean in the beginning? Like, who made the first move?" Trip sounded like he was about to laugh. Hoshi's cheeks took on a subtle shade of red. "Well, I dunno. It wasn't easy for either of us early on. We were in the Expanse. I was having trouble sleeping. Phlox had her helping me with Vulcan neuro-pressure. Things got kinda… intimate. She learned that I liked her, but it wasn't from me." His voice suddenly went much quieter. "It was Sim."
"Your clone?" Out of respect to her friend, who was kind enough to indulge her unexplained interest in his personal life at such a late hour, Hoshi tried to mask the incredulity in her voice. She was about halfway successful.
"Yeah. But since that wasn't really me, I guess you could say the one who made the first move was T'Pol. And, uh, what a move it was," Trip finished his recollection wearing a sly yet gentlemanly grin, which told Hoshi all she needed to know. Her blushing was no longer anything subtle. "That was where it all began, anyway. We weren't really together in the traditional sense for a long while after that. Hell, we still have our bumps in the road now and then."
"Maybe so, but you're very sweet together." Hoshi hesitated for a moment, aware of the liberties she was taking, but Trip's smile encouraged her to keep going. "I mean, T'Pol would deny it through and through, but I can see that she's changed. She seems happier. Or if 'happy' is too odd a word for a Vulcan, she's at least more at ease than I've ever seen her. You both are."
"I don't think either one of us would change it for the world." Suddenly, he looked her right in the eyes, as if he'd belatedly realized something that now seemed all too obvious. "Why'd you want to hear about all this, anyway?"
For a second or two, Hoshi considered brushing off his question and claiming mere curiosity as the catalyst. But Trip had answered her with total honesty and sincerity. How could she withhold the same from him?
"I have feelings for someone aboard Enterprise." She chose not to acknowledge the evident surprise across his face with anything more than a simple smile. "I have for quite a while, actually. Most of the time, it isn't so difficult to put my feelings aside and perform my duties. But recently… I don't know, it's just been harder somehow. Especially at night, I get to thinking. What if I didn't have to hide what I felt anymore? Or… what if I were unable to?"
"Well, who is it?" Already, Trip's voice sounded full of mischief.
What on earth have I gotten myself into now? Hoshi thought.
"I won't tell a soul. I swear," Trip said. Hoshi rolled her eyes ever so slightly, and looked not about to divulge much of anything. "Oh come on, you can't leave out the best part. Hoshi, you know me. I'm not one to go in for gossip but if we're going to have this conversation, the least you can do is let me know who you've got your eye on."
"It's Captain Archer…" she said, under her breath and looking awkwardly away.
"Is that what you're so worried about? Listen, the captain may be a friend, but that doesn't mean I have to tell him everything I hear. If it doesn't affect the operation of the ship, there's no reason he needs to know. It'll stay between you and me, that's a promise."
Suppressing laughter, Hoshi looked the clueless commander straight on and repeated herself more emphatically. "It's Captain Archer, Trip."
"Oh…" Trip trailed off as realization set in, rubbing his jaw nervously.
"Is that so surprising? Why? Because he's a little older than me? Because he's the captain?"
"No, no. Not at all. The captain's a good man."
"And you can't tell him about any of this."
"That isn't my place, Hoshi. I wouldn't dream of stepping on your toes." Once again, she looked away awkwardly and swallowed the noticeable lump in her throat. This time, the smile didn't come back. "I mean, you are going to tell him yourself, aren't you?"
"How can I, Trip? I don't have the right to do that to him. He has to be responsible for more than eighty people onboard this ship. I can't be the one out of that eighty that adds another complication to what is already an extremely difficult job. The Klingons and the Romulans make it hard enough as it is. He doesn't need his crew falling in love with him when they should be following his orders. Having feelings for him doesn't give me the right to throw his life into chaos."
"I can guarantee you that the captain wouldn't see it that way, Hoshi. I know the two of you have been close in the past. He cares about you."
"He doesn't look at me the way I look at him. Whether it's because he doesn't like me like that or because he thinks he shouldn't, it really doesn't matter. Either way, I'm still alone. I don't know. Maybe… maybe I don't belong out here anymore."
"Now hang on a second." The sudden sternness in his voice forced Hoshi to take notice. "You're a valued member of this crew. Everything we've accomplished since we left spacedock, you've been a part of. Just 'cause you've got a crush on the captain doesn't mean you don't have a place on this ship."
"If I can't even get through the day without thinking about him like that…" Hoshi trailed off, her voice growing faint.
"It kinda makes sense now. You must have asked about me and T'Pol because you wanted to get a picture of how a shipboard romance could work out. Maybe you even wanted a few pointers about how you could approach Captain Archer. Am I wrong?" Hoshi slowly shook her head. Trip sighed. "I never thought that anyone, anywhere would wanna take lessons from me about love. You're honestly better off forging your own path. But there is one thing you can learn from me, and that's what not to do."
In stunned silence, Hoshi listened most attentively.
"When things between me and T'Pol were at their worst, and I didn't know what to do, I thought that getting off this ship was my only option. So I asked the captain for a transfer to Columbia. It didn't last long. In fact, all that really came from it was a complicated and very dangerous docking maneuver at high warp that could have easily destroyed both our ships and killed everyone aboard." His point made, Trip softened his tone. "Whatever you decide to do about this thing between you and the captain, try to make the potential consequences a bit less severe than I did, alright?"
With a friendly smile once again on her face, purely for the commander's benefit this time, Hoshi thanked him for his kind words of advice and decided she was ready to call it a night. But then, in the doorway, she paused for a moment and turned back to Trip. Hope sounded in her voice as she spoke. Her smile turned genuine.
"You know Captain Archer better than anyone. Do you think that he… I mean, about me…"
"I don't know if it's appropriate for me to say this, either as your superior officer or as a man happily in love with another woman. But for what it's worth, any man would have to be a fool to ignore affection from you. The captain's many things, but he's no fool. That much I'm sure of."
"T'Pol is a fortunate woman. I hope she appreciates you as much as she should."
"In her own way, she does."
"Goodnight, Commander. Thank you, again."
As she turned to leave, Trip called out with a final piece of advice. "Do try to go easy on the captain, would you? I'm pretty sure he has no idea what's about to come his way."
"Anything you say, Trip," she said, glowing from head to toe. "I always try to learn from the best."