I've been working on this for a while now, it's still not done, but I figured I'd give it a go and publish it on here, hope you all like it.
Oh and I write in American English, I've tried to keep it British in some parts, with expressions and such, but if it just switches at some point, then that's the reason.
John Paul
I can't believe I'm in Dublin, that's the first thought to go through my mind as the plane touches down at the airport, that's the only thought that goes through my mind as I collect my bag and it's the only thought going through my mind as I leave the airport and get into the taxi. Giving the driver the address I look out the window as he begins to drive and then all the other thoughts return to me, everything else that happened in the past 48 hours and I find myself shaking my head at my own actions.
Kieron? I mean seriously, I slept with the Priest for f*cks sake, it's really just hitting home now, I slept with him after months of finding him strangely attractive and then afterwards, when I woke up and he wasn't there, I just felt wrong, it just all felt wrong. Going round to Hannah's talking with her, telling her about it, but not telling her it was him, talking about Craig, comparing them in a way, I just realized that I was still in love with that gorgeous dark haired, brown eyed idiot who broke my heart so many times, the man I left at the airport, the man who despite it all still sent me a text around Christmas a text that I still have on my phone but which I never replied to. I was trying to get over him, trying and failing. I sigh again and then notice that the taxi driver is looking at me so I fake a smile and just continue to look out the window.
I was really nasty towards Kieron today, as he was leaving our house, moving out, and he didn't deserve that, okay granted he is a Priest and he chose to break his vows, he chose to do that, I didn't force him into anything, but he didn't really deserve me lashing out on him like that. I did or well I do care for him, he's a great guy, a really sweet and funny guy, who just happens to be a Priest, and I fancied him and then after we had each other, well I guess I just…
When I woke up and he wasn't there and I was sat alone thinking, I just wished that it had been Craig, it felt like it was Craig in a way actually, cause he never stayed with me in bed, always was gone when I woke up after having made love to him. But yeah I just realized that I wanted Craig, I still wanted him, still loved him, of course I knew I would never stop loving him, but I had to move on, I simply had to get on with life, because he was ashamed of me, wanted to keep me his secret, and I couldn't.
Getting into a relationship with Kieron, that would've just had me being his secret, wouldn't it? And I told Craig I deserved more than that, that day at the airport and after having slept with a Priest, honestly what the hell was I thinking, I wasn't was I, I was just horny as fuck and felt ignored by him and slightly drunk and I just let go and slept with him and now I just wish I'd never have met him in the first place, wish that my mum hadn't invited him into our house, just let us live our lives and… well no I suppose if he hadn't been there then I wouldn't have realized I still wanted Craig, even if he still can't be with me properly, still wants to hide away, I think I might, at least for a while, be able to live with that now, as long as I am with him, as long as he still loves me and wants me and holds me and kisses me.
Oh for f*cks sake… I just want to see him and tell him about all this Kieron stuff, because before everything happened between us, he was my best mate and in a way he still is, cause no one has been able to replace him. I just want my best mate to listen to me and just, well I dunno, just give me his advice, be there for me like mates are supposed to be there for each other when one of them is having some serious, "I've f*cked things up big time, AGAIN" thoughts.
Finally, finally we pull up at the house Craig lives in, finally, I practically throw the money at the driver, mumble something or other resembling a thanks and then get out of the taxi with my bag, watching as it drives off into the distance, before breathing in deeply and walking up to the door of the house Craig lives in, what would've been our home had I come with him in September. I shake my head, and as I reach the door I press the bell and then hold my breath, getting more anxious for each second that passes without him, or anyone else opening the door, and then I hear it, I hear the footsteps.
He opens the door, not really paying attention to who is standing on the other side as he has his phone pressed up to his ear, then his eyes land on my face as I am stood there biting my lip and he gasps, his phone slipping out of his hand and as I watch it fall onto the floor, my own phone begins ringing, I frown and then as he continues to stare at me I extract my phone to see who it is that's calling me and now it's my turn to gasp and drop my phone as my eyes dart up to lock with his.
He was calling me, it was him and now our phones are down by our feet, his still calling mine and mine still going off playing the ringtone I've set up for myself. "Hi," I manage to utter after what seems like ages and that breaks him out of his trance like state, he bends down and picks up both our phones, ending the call and handing me mine as he stands up straight again.
"Hi," he tells me after another moment of silence, I just stand there looking at him, looking at his face, he looks so much different, he's still the Craig I knew and loved, still love, but he seems more grown up, more beautiful if that's even possible, the light stubble on his cheeks is just a turn on for me and I can actually feel my cock stirring, so I draw a deep breath and shake my head, because that's not what I'm here for, I'm not here for the sex, well I am, but that's only for after, after I talk to him, after I tell him the idiotic thing I've done and once we're over that, if he still wants to know me, then well… Maybe we could? Maybe he still loves me too? I look into his eyes again and then smile softly, I can see he still loves me, I know those eyes and I know how to read them.
His hand flies to his neck and he begins rubbing at it, this nervous trait of his that I love so much and then I realize that he's nervous because of me being stood there just gawping at him like a fool, so I give myself a mental slap, well several of those actually and then breath in deeply before opening my mouth, "I've f*cked up big time Craig," I tell him as I look into his eyes, "I really need to talk to someone away from the village and…" I sort of shrug and then smile, "Well you were the first person I thought about and you did say you'd love to see me in Dublin and well… I… I suppose I really could do with my best mate giving me some advice, or just listening to what I have to say and just being there for me…" I sigh as I look at him, I can see him frowning when I say that he is my best mate and it just freezes my blood, doesn't he think of me as his best mate anymore? "That is if I still have a best mate called Craig… Do, I?" I ask him anxiously and then clam up, waiting for him to say something, anything.
He stares for what feels like an eternity as I am stood there looking at him, and then he reaches out his hand, takes my bag from me and smiles, "Course you do John Paul, come in," then he steps to the side and lets me in, closing the door behind us and then walking past me, dropping the bag near the stairs telling me to come on through, which I do, I just follow him into the living room and sit down when he indicates for me to do so and then he sits down and we're back to just staring at each other for another couple of minutes, before he seemingly remembers that he is the host and offers me something to drink I nod my head telling him I'll have whatever he's having, then he disappears through the door leaving me to breathe deeply a couple of times, before he reappears with two cans of Sprite, handing me one as he opens his own and takes a big gulp of it.
I look at him as I drink from my own can, I can tell from the way he's looking at me that he is happy that I'm here and I just hope he'll stay happy once I've told him what I've done. "Ehm…" I shuffle slightly, turning my body so that I am facing him, "I'm… Just let me get it all out before commenting, yeah?" I ask of him and he nods after a moment with a smile on his lips.
"I don't think I've ever seen you like this before," he tells me and that makes me frown, which he sees and so he elaborates, "You just seem so," he squints his eyes for a while then continues, "Dunno, kinda anxious, kinda nervous, kinda scared, but at the same time… Happy?" he shakes his head and smiles once more, "But yeah, you were saying?"
"I am… All those things and I am happy, I'm here with you, aren't I?" I tell him and leave it at that, we can talk about that later, but I can see that me telling him that I am happy being here with him has made him really happy, I just hope he stays like that.
"Spill then," he says as I go quiet on him again and with another drink from my Sprite, I place the can on the table and nod my head.
"Okay… I've… I sort of…" I sigh and shake my head, "Remember this is me talking to my mate, not anything else, okay?" He nods his head in agreement, "Okay… I've been with someone that I should've stayed well clear off and I sort of hurt him when I realized that it was a huge mistake, since he… well he didn't think it was a mistake…" I look away from Craig and look out the window as I continue, "We've been fighting this thing between us for months… He came to live with us for a while and… Well one night I was really down cause some creep had more or less used me for his own pleasure and then dumped me," I chance a look over at Craig then and can see him wincing at my words, but he doesn't make any comments as he promised, "Anyways, he'd tried to warn me about that creep, but I just thought he was meddling in my life, however we talked that night and I sort of told him off, making him spill out that he was gay."
I shake my head as I think back to the past couple of months, "He sort of became a mate after that, I kept his secret cause well he asked I suppose," I shrug as I think about it, "Well I wanted him to tell mum, wasn't fair on her I figured that he kept that secret and he threatened to move out and just really told me off and I felt bad so yeah I kept quiet." I shrug again, "But anyways you know when Frankie and Jack were held hostage," he nods and I can see the pain in his eyes, "Well that night we sort of kissed for the first time and it was nice…" I stop myself and think about it, yeah it had been nice, but even then it had felt all wrong, "Well I dunno there was this attraction of sorts and then I saw him doing his job one day, and this job is really important to him, he wouldn't be able to do it if people knew that he was gay, so I told him that his job was more important than I was to him, more or less ending things before they started." I smile softly here as I think back to that day after he came home from the hospital and we talked. "He said I was worth the risk, he wanted it, wanted me, but… I couldn't."
I look at Craig once more and see him nodding his head for me to continue which just makes me smile, "So for a while, nothing… Literally nothing and then we did this charity run thing the other day and I just felt like he was ignoring me completely focusing his attention on Kris," that made Craig chuckle and shake his head, "Yeah I know," I tell him with a smile, "But anyways I sort of just left them at it and went home. Then when he got back I confronted him and he told me that he was looking at me and all that, but only when I wasn't looking because I'd told him nothing could happen… And well next thing I know is we're kissing and… You know…" I raise my eyebrows and Craig nods. "I woke up afterwards and he was gone," I look at Craig with a raised eyebrow and shake my head as he smirks, "I just knew, I knew the instant I woke up that I had made a huge mistake and I had to talk to someone about it so I called Hannah," he perks up at this, his eyes asking the question, "We're friends now and she's doing much better," I tell him and he nods his head.
"But yeah I went round to hers and we talked for hours, I told her about him, not who he was, I just told her I'd slept with someone and well…" my turn to rub on my neck, "Okay I told her that despite it being nice and all, and despite me sort of fancying the guy it still wasn't the same…" he looks questioningly at me and I continue while locking eyes with him, "He wasn't you," I simply tell him and I swear I can see the joy in his eyes, "Han told me that secrets wouldn't do anyone any good and quite honestly I know that, you know that, she knows that… But it was good to hear it and I know that being with him, being his dirty little secret, it's not something I want, and I told myself after… After you Craig, I told myself I'd never be anyone's secret and I would've been if I'd gotten into a relationship with him, I suppose." I sigh and close my eyes, "We, me and him, we sort of talked that night, him telling me it was worth it or something like that and well by the next day I'd made up my mind, I couldn't be in a relationship with him, I just couldn't because one thing his job and two I wasn't in love with him…" I sigh, "We had words that day, big words and I told him I couldn't face being the outcast in the village again, I'd gone through that already and… never again," I shake my head, "Naturally he lost it, told me he broke a promise of sorts to himself and made it out as if I'd used him or something… Which, well pissed me off." I shake my head, "The next day, or well today, he moved out, we had an argument of sorts, me being really nasty towards him and all… I didn't mean to, but I just… I don't want him and I regret it big time, but… well I do feel guilty in a way, cause I could've stopped it cause I knew in my heart, I knew that I didn't want him, I feel like I did use him for my own benefit… I never meant to hurt him." I finish and then look at Craig who looks at me for a moment before opening his mouth.
"Ehm okay… So what does this guy do since it's such a big deal for him that people don't know he's gay?"
God, didn't I say that, didn't I tell him? Fuck well he's gonna blow up once he hears, I close my eyes and turn away from him, hanging my head in shame before quietly speaking, "He's a Priest." I keep my eyes closed, I don't want to see the disgust in Craig's eyes, I don't think I could face it.
"Wow," I frown, then chance it and look at Craig, look into his eyes and can see he's upset, but nothing that can't be fixed, "Your mum would've totally lost it had you two gotten in a relationship," he tells me and that makes me laugh, "Wow… Talk about a huge mind f*ck right there." He shakes his head, "Suppose it's alright for this Catholic Priest to sleep with men then," he chuckles and then stops as I glare at him, "Sorry sorry… Ehm, okay so… Basically, you felt attracted to this guy, and he was attracted to you, you thought his job was more important than you and then when you did sleep with him you regretted it… and now you're in a way blaming yourself for hurting him because you don't want to be his secret boyfriend or lover or whatever?" he shook his head as he looked at me and I nodded my own head, "Right so why exactly are you beating yourself up about this?" he then asks me and I just stare questioningly at him.
"Eh cause of what you just said… I mean I did sort of use him, didn't I?"
"No you didn't…" he tells me and before I can even say anything he's continuing, "I'm supposing this promise he broke was his vow of celibacy?" I nod, "Right, well that was his choice, he chose to sleep with you, he could've easily stopped at the kissing thing, pushed you away, I mean he made that vow, he made that promise to God or whoever and he broke it… I suppose I can understand why he'd be upset about it afterwards, when you tell him you don't want him or whatever but in the end he made the decision to break that vow John Paul… You didn't force yourself onto him, you both wanted sex at that moment in time and well hey you got what you wanted, both of you."
"But I think he wanted a relationship with me Craig… I mean maybe he did that cause he thought there was a future for us together." I sigh and Craig shakes his head.
"Eh a future of you, being his secret? Cause honestly he's a Priest as in married to God so… I doubt it, I really doubt that he'd wanted a relationship, maybe something sexual yeah but…" okay that one actually hurt a bit and it must have shown on my face, "Sorry sorry, I didn't mean it to sound like that… But well you know just think about it from all possible angles, not just the one in which you blame yourself." He tells me making me nod my head, "Cause by the sounds of it, he did blame you, didn't he, not really fessing up to his part in it?"
I bite my lip and then slowly nod my head when I realize that he is right, "Yeah… Actually now that I think about it, yeah he did kind of put the blame all on me." I sigh, "Just my luck with the guys eh, just like my sisters I am." I groan out loud at this, "Oh god, I'm worse than some of my sisters… Fucking hell Craig, I've slept with a Priest…" I slap my forehead, "Not one of them has done anything as bad as that."
"So what?" He tells me and I just stare at him, "What?"
"Seriously who are you and where's Craig Dean?" I ask him, why isn't he freaking out, why isn't he telling me off, why is he being so understanding.
"I'm still me John Paul, still your best mate you know," he smiles warmly and I frown for a moment.
"So what would Craig Dean, my ex think of all of this then?" I ask him and see the smile fade away as he finishes his Sprite.
"I hate it," he almost growls, "I hate thinking about you with some perv of a Priest, I hate the images that have come into my head, I really, really hate it John Paul… I mean a Priest, a fucking Priest?" he shakes his head, "I mean I hate the thought of you being with anyone else, but a Priest?"
I just shrug, "Shit happens," I tell him and something changes in him.
"I really hate it John Paul, I really can't even begin to understand it, but… In a strange way I am sort of… Well proud of you…" he frowns as do I, "Well you know and this is a combo of your ex and your best mate speaking here, just so you know," I chuckle at that and nod for him to continue, "You got in bed with a Priest, come on that's kind of a mission impossible sort of thing and yet here you are and you've done it… I mean yeah I'm sort of proud of you for doing that." He shakes his head disbelievingly as he says those words.
"You don't hate me then? You know for doing that and coming here to tell you?"
He looks at me for a moment, his eyes narrowing, "No I don't hate you," he tells me quietly, "How can I hate you, when I never stopped loving you," he continues making my jaw drop.
"What?"
"I love you John Paul, how can I not?" he asks me and that just leaves me speechless, literally speechless, I mean I could tell there was still something there in his eyes and the way he'd just stared at me at the front door, but to actually hear him say it, it just made me so happy.
"Good, cause I still love you too," I tell him with a smile and bless his heart he's beaming at this.
"So…" he lifts his eyebrows suggestively and I shake my head, "Why not, you love me and I love you… Come on, please?"
"We might still love each other Craig…" I tell him and he nods his head eagerly, "But what I told you at the airport, as much as I love you, and as much as I think I can put up with being with you in private but not in public, I still think I deserve more than that… And I… I can't be with you if it's in private, if we're holed up in this house or wherever and you're ashamed of being with me, of showing me that you love me out there," I point towards the window indicating the outside world.
"I'm not ashamed of you John Paul," he tells me, "I've even told people about you," I snap my head to look at him and he's nodding, "Well I've told people that I'm in love with my ex, since they… and by they I mean my housemates, they've been on my neck about not having a girlfriend." He tells me and I narrow my eyes.
"But then you haven't really told them about me… They don't know that you're…" I pause for a minute not wanting him to go off on me when I say that he's gay, but then I just say it anyways, "Well that you're gay." I look at him and he sighs, he just sighs and nothing else.
"I've told one person about you, and I mean everything John Paul, like from the first day we met till you left me at the airport."
"You did?" I ask him, not believing what he's telling me.
"Yeah I did and I've told her that I wanted you back, she's been giving me ideas as to how to do that." He tells me and I smile, "That text you know," I nod my head, "Well I wasn't really sure it was a good idea, but she encouraged me, asked what I had to lose, and well I'd lost you already so… well she was right wasn't she." He shrugged, "It really hurt though that you didn't reply, didn't send anything in return, even a simple f*ck off would've been enough you know." He tells me and I shake my head as I reach for my phone and go through my messages, before finding it and handing him my phone. He looks at it and frowns, "You've kept it? Why?"
"I wanted to reply Craig, really I did, but… Well I dunno, it just was too soon I suppose, you know the wound hadn't healed yet, I was still not over you, not in a place where I was ready to get back in touch with you." I tell him in all honesty and after looking at me for a moment he sadly nods his head.
"But… Well I suppose you're here now, that's in a way a reply to that text," he smiles and I smile too.
"This friend of yours who knows, she got a name?" I wonder and his smile widens.
"Aha, Rae," he nods and tells me, "She's made me see, made me realize that if I really love you then I ought to get you back."
"I think I like her already," I smile warmly, "So what did you tell her about yourself, about your sexuality?"
"The truth, the same thing I always told you and everyone else," he tells me and I shake my head, "John Paul, please just hear me out, and for once listen to what I'm saying, yeah?" I raise my eyebrow and he just gives me a look that tells me to listen so I nod my head and do what he asked of me. "I'm not gay John Paul, honestly it has only and will only ever be you, you're my first guy and you'll be my last guy too… I just fell madly, deeply, head over heels in love with you. I simply fell in love John Paul and you just happened to be a guy." He smiles as his eyes, those beautiful Bambi eyes lock with mine, "It's only you John Paul."
"So you still fancy girls then?"
"No, I only fancy you, you idiot," he tells me, "I mean yeah I'm sort of straight and all, but I only want you… I've been with a couple of girls here," he tells me and then pauses to see if I'm okay to hear this and I just nod, "I've not felt anything while with them… I'd just get off and well get off you know, I've not stayed over at their place a full night, not cuddled with them, nothing… Because I only want that with you and no one else… And I'd have come back for you John Paul, when I was 100% ready I'd have come back for you and swept you off your feet and brought you back here with me so that we could be an us again, be together here like we were meant to be 6 months ago."
"Yeah?"
"Course, I love you don't I?"
"And I love you," I tell him making him smile, which in turn has me smiling. "You will tell people this time, won't you? You will be able to kiss me in public and hold my hand and all that, you won't be afraid or ashamed or anything?"
"I'll tell the guys I live with tonight when they get in, and I'll kiss you and hug you and hold your hand as much as you want outside and inside. I've lost you once because of my irrational fear I won't make that mistake again."
"Okay," I simply say, because I actually believe what he is telling me this time, this isn't like before, I can see it in his eyes that he will do what he just said, "Well then I'll be looking forward to being introduced to your friends."
He giggles and then looks lovingly at me, "You're my beautiful boyfriend, John Paul," he smirks and then bites his lip as he bats his lashes, the butterflies in my stomach doing summersaults as I realized he's just said I was his boyfriend.
"And you're my Bambi-eyed stunning absof*ckinglutely gorgeous boyfriend too, Craig." I smile at him and raise my hand, cupping his face with it, my thumb gently brushing over his stubble, "This is new," I tell him and he grins sheepishly as he nods, "Suits you, makes you look even more beautiful, if that's even possible." I continue and watch as he turns red in the face.
"John Paul," he rubs at his neck and I just repeat what I said, before we both lose ourselves in each other's eyes as I continue to brush my finger over his cheek and then he says it, says the few words that I've wanted to hear for so long, "John Paul, please kiss me," he tells me and I nod slowly as I lean forward and then it's like fireworks go off on the inside as I kiss Craig, as I kiss him again after all this time and he still tastes exactly the same, he's still my Craig, my beautiful Craig. He groans as my tongue slips into his mouth, dueling with his, he moans softly as I taste every single inch of his mouth and he whimpers as I pull back from the kiss and suck on his bottom lip, biting it gently and then soothing it with my tongue. I rest my forehead against his as I finish what I was doing and just look at him and all I see when he looks into my eyes is love, there is no fear, no shame, nothing but love and I know then that we'll make it as a couple, I can just feel it in my heart.
"I've missed doing that," I tell him and he nods telling me he missed it too, "It didn't feel like this with Kieron," I continue and he frowns, "The Priest," I chuckle and see some anger flashing in his eyes for a couple of seconds, before it's pushed aside by the love. "It's only you Craig, only you." I inform my boyfriend with a smile and before he can say anything I'm kissing him again, this time his tongue is in my mouth and he's doing all the tasting and I let him, I want him to do that, I need him to do that.
We shuffle in the sofa him on top of me and just kiss, well make out really for a while, we'd stop every now and then to breathe and look at each other and then my hands would go into his hair and I'd pull his face down until he's kissing me again. When he pulls away this time I shuffle and sit back up looking at him as I brush my fingers over his stubble, "I like how that feels on my skin," I grin sheepishly, "It's very you," and he nods in agreement before kissing me again and again and again, leaving me panting for air and slightly turned on. "I need a shower Craig," I say after we've ended up making out for a good part of an hour, he looks at me then nods and holds out his hand for me, which I gladly grip.
Walking us out of the room, he picks up my bag and takes us upstairs, "Right so there are three people I share with and one of them has his girl living with us," he tells me as we go by the rooms on the first floor, "Rae, Joe and Rich," I nod as he points to the doors, "Rae's single, Joe has Kate and Rich is in some new relationship, but we've not met the girl yet." Again I nod, "Oh the bathroom is here," he points to the door, "I'll just show you my room and then you can shower, yeah?" Once more I nod. We climb the second set of stairs until we're on the second floor, "There's only this one room here," he informs me, "All of them are the same size really, but I like this one the most, since I have this floor for myself, even though there's literally just this one room." He chuckles as he opens the door and walks us inside.
I look around as he sits down on the bed and watches me, "Oh a double," I smile as I see the bed and he's beaming as I notice that, "Will come in handy at some point," I smile and then look to his desk and there near his laptop is a picture of us from when we were in school together, the same picture that I have hidden in my drawer back home, picking it up I smile as I look at him, "We were so young, before everything got so damned complicated," sighing I replace the picture and look over at the walls, finding them rather empty, "No posters?"
He shrugs, "I've got posters, but.." he shrugs again, "Dunno, never felt like having them up," I nod and smile sympathetically.
"It's a nice room Craig," I tell him and he smiles then watches me as I head for my bag to get out some clean clothes and my towel for my shower.
"Oh, you can just hang your stuff in the closet it's roomy enough for your stuff too," he winks at me, "I'll clear some space out in the drawers too for your things if you want," but I shake my head.
"No need, didn't bring much on this trip," I inform him and he nods, but I can still see that he seems a bit hurt that I won't let him do that, so I walk over to him gripping his hands, "Next time I'll bring a big suitcase, and then we'll make room for my stuff in here together, yeah?" he bites his lip and nods, "But for now, shower." I say resolutely, getting to my feet and picking up my things waiting for him to get up and walk me down, which he does a couple of minutes later when he stops staring at my arse.
"I'll leave you to it then," he smiles warmly as he shows me the bathroom and as I nod, he brushes a kiss to my lips and then leaves me to shower.
The end... Well no not really, but end of this part, thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed. Reviews and comments are appreciated.