Pick A Pic Challenge
Title: A Heart Doesn't Know
Penname: imafffan
Banner: #114
Rating/ Disclaimer: M for language, mature theme and soft slash
Summary: When Jasper stumbles on an unknown path, he discovers the truth in his friend's words. A heart doesn't know gender; it only knows love.
To see all the stories that are a part of this contest please visit: www .fanfiction-challenges. blogspot. Com
A/N: I fell in love with this banner! Normally an avid Edward/Bella fan, this banner was solely responsible for inspiring the following one-shot. It's not meant to be an outlet for slash, but a portrayal of how following your heart sometimes means exploring new territory. Please read and review with an open mind. Edward and Jasper would appreciate that. ;)
A Heart Doesn't Know
When I first met Edward, I was about to turn 15 and the world made no sense to me. Edward, for no sensible reason, made sense. At 13, he was dark and aloof – troubled – and immensely appealing. He had come to stay with family, not mine, but close enough. His cousin, Emmett, was the love of my sister's life, though she had only had one love and at 19, not a very long life. My own thoughts of Emmett were vastly different from Rosalie's; he was my polar opposite and we sometimes struggled to merely be cordial with each other. In my opinion, the one thing he did right was to bring his cousin along on his visit that day.
"This is the cousin I told you about." Emmett's version of an introduction to Rosalie. "I figured Eddie could hang out with Jasper while we… do our own thing."
Initially, I was unimpressed. The kid standing behind him looked disinterested and sullen. When he flashed an angry set of eyes at his cousin, I had hope for him. And then he opened his mouth. "Hello." That was all it took. His accent intrigued me. He was trying very hard to sound American with that one word, but seeing as I was in the habit of disguising my own Texan accent, I caught on immediately.
"So, I'm Jasper and I'm here to rescue you," I quipped and led him to our rec room. "What are you in to? Besides thinking up ways to torture annoying cousins?"
He smirked at my sarcasm and I was further intrigued. "Do you play sports?" he asked slowly. Shyly.
"Nope."
Another smirk. "Okay then. I think we'll get along. And it's Edward."
His fake accent was dropped and we began to discover our other similarities. We both had zero interest in, or ability with, anything to do with sports. We both detested jocks. I had a feeling he was bullied, as I was, but we didn't get into that. We shared a love of music and art and drama and it was like he was sent to me as an early Christmas present. I was grateful for every day we had together for those weeks – but they were too short. He returned home to England and just like that, my present was yanked from my hands.
The news of his return, more than two years later was music to my ears. I had never found anyone I connected with that way. Every relationship was pale in comparison. We had kept in touch via email, but it wasn't the same as having him right here. As it happened, having him right here wasn't the same as email either – in print, he was open and witty and constantly clever. In person, he was perhaps the most sullen and introverted 16 year-old I'd ever known. His dual personalities troubled me – and fascinated me at the same time. Both lured me in.
His down-trodden attitude was for good reason – most would be distressed if their parents shipped them off to live half-way around the world with a family he'd only ever met twice in his life. I had gone with Rosalie to the Cullen house the day he returned, to welcome him. He greeted me with a hug – not a slap your buddy on the back bro hug; a full-on hug. It felt right; until Emmett cracked a joke about the lovers being reunited. My face burned red and Edward withdrew. That night we made a quiet agreement that we would get together next with Emmett nowhere in the vicinity. That would work out fine.
My next dilemma was Alice; we had been dating for a few months and I had rambled on at length about my great friend Edward from London. Now that he was here, I was reluctant to have the two of them together. Alice was bubbly and an in-your-face kind of girl and with Edward being so shy and reserved, I sensed disaster. Alice, being Alice, didn't put up with my sneaking off to meet up with my friend for long. I only had him to myself for a month or so.
"I want to meet him Jazz! Bring him to the party!"
"Yeah, uh… I don't know about that. He's really quiet…"
Alice was persistent. That weekend, I picked up Edward first. "So… Alice… She can be…" I stumbled over my words trying to explain my girlfriend. "If she's too much, just give me a signal and I'll get you out of there." He assured me it would all be fine and we went to get her.
Once at the party, I thought I saw the emergence of a third version of Edward but then determined it was just an extension of the charming, witty Edward I knew from correspondence. He was chatty and full of life. The smile never left his face and his eyes… I found myself mesmerized by his eyes several times as he related a story to a group that also seemed drawn to him. Everyone was. That was the first time I realized I was jealous – not of his popularity; I didn't want to be him. I was jealous of the people who had his attention. I wanted to be the only one he spoke to, danced with, looked at…
The longer he was with the Cullens, the more relaxed he became… with me and with Alice. Though complete opposites, they had bonded. Initially, it put me at ease. I would not have to sneak around to be with Edward, Alice was cool and Edward was comfortable. It was all good.
Until I discovered another jealousy – they were too close. It's not that I thought Alice would cheat on me or that Edward would make a move on my girl… I didn't know what it was, but it made me uncomfortable. When we watched movies, I made certain I was in the middle. At meals out, a round table so I'd have both of them on either side of me. And I desired more 'alone time' with each of them.
Alice and I had not… taken the final step in our physical relationship at that point, but we were getting closer to it. At 18, I was an anomaly. The last virgin… unless…
"Alice and I…" I decided to hash out my insecurities with the person I was most comfortable with. And with Edward being 16, I assumed I may be in the company of another virgin. "Well, I think we're ready to uh…"
"Have sex?" he finished for me.
"Uh, yeah." I hestitated. Was this too intrusive? "Have you ever slept with a girl?"
A shy smile crept up with his blush. "A girl? No. I haven't. Can't offer you any advice there, my friend."
That was the end of the discussion. I was not the only virgin in town and that was a relief. I put off my first time again and again and soon, Alice became frustrated with my excuses. After a particularly bad argument, I did the first thing that came to mind – I called Edward. We took a drive and he let me get all my anxieties out. We sang along to the radio and soon I'd forgotten about Alice and her demands for a short while. I don't know what made me get out of the car and walk him to the door when I dropped him at the Cullens, but I did. Standing in the shadow of the night sky, feeling vulnerable, once again I became mesmerized by his eyes, the moonlight shimmering in the deep orbs. When he reached his arms out and embraced me, I fell against him, my own arms wrapped around his waist. Though younger, he had shot up in height and when we eased apart, our eyes were level. Something drew me back to him; drove my lips towards his. The kiss was soft and warm. It wasn't like it was with Alice, at all – there was a definite masculinity to it but instead of heated passion, it felt like comfort. It was gentle. Sweet…
"That was sweet," Edward whispered when our lips parted. "Why did you do that?"
I stared into his entrancing eyes. He wasn't freaked out. I was freaked out. "I… I don't know…" My breathing became uneven and I felt dizzy but I couldn't look away.
"Come here…" His arms were around me once more and I stifled an unwanted sob against his shoulder. His arms held me in place and his hands soothed me. One gently stroking my back while the other ran through my hair. He placed a gentle kiss at my temple before releasing me. "You okay to drive home? I can drive, if you'd like."
Would he stay the night then? My heart raced as I nodded in agreement. "You should drive."
At the side of my house, the scene was repeated. He kissed me that time, with the same sweetness before pulling away entirely. My knees felt weak, my heart pounded and my head was spinning. What am I doing?
"You can make it inside alright? Here's your keys. I'll give you a ring tomorrow."
He'd call me… I shoved my keys in my pocket. "You're… you're not staying?"
A corner of his mouth lifted in a shy grin as he shook his head. "You're not ready for that. Speak to you soon."
He'd call me… I collapsed on the ground as I watched him walk away. What had I done?
I waited all day for a call that never came. Early the next day, I jumped when it rang – only to discover it was Alice, not Edward. I had forgotten we still had an argument to resolve. I acquiesced, as best I could. My heart was not in it and my head was elsewhere. Maybe I had read Edward's reaction incorrectly. Maybe he was freaked out. I had fucked this one up but good. Maybe he hated me.
It was several days before I found out what had happened; Alice had called him up in tears over our argument. Edward wanted to give me time to sort things out with her without adding to the confusion. What did that mean? Did he want me to give in to her? Or end it with her and see… Could Edward and I have something romantic? I was drawn to him, certainly, but admitting I was sexually attracted to him would put a new spin on everything.
In the end, neither of us mentioned it again and I wound up losing my virginity the old-fashioned way… with a girl who knew her way around her man's penis. I soon discovered that once you begin having sex in a relationship, it becomes an expectation. It wasn't that sex was not pleasurable for me – Alice was amazing in bed. All that energy… My body reacted, but my mind was elsewhere.
I sought Edward's advice… well, comfort… once more when Alice went away for a weekend to visit prospective universities. She would be going to school out of town. Was I supposed to follow her in September? I didn't know if a transfer was possible and I was quite happy going to school locally. I wondered what Edward would be doing when he graduated the following year.
"Long distance relationships are tough, Jasper. You've got to be really committed to make it work. Only you can decide if you've got what it takes."
I pondered that for several minutes. "I should go with her then?"
"If that's what you want," he replied. "Do you know what you want?"
Yes! And no… "Should I end it?"
He sucked in his lip, avoiding my eyes. Did he want me to end it with Alice? Did he want… We had never talked about our kiss and it had never been repeated; though it played in my head almost constantly. He hadn't seemed weird about it – ever – did he want me, too? Did I really want him in that way? I'd never been attracted to another guy, I had no idea how these things worked. But sitting there with him, with the gravitational pull I always felt with him, I knew I wanted to try. I reached for him and tilted his chin towards me. Our eyes locked and I was lost; as good as dead.
He brought his hand up to entwine in my hair at some point during our kiss. It drew out a soft whimper from me and he paused, searching my eyes before gently returning to my lips. Both of my hands flew to him on their own accord, running through his hair, stroking his lovely cheeks. He groaned softly as he sucked in my bottom lip, nibbling on it ever so slightly before releasing it. We were at an awkward angle, sitting on my bed with our back against the headboard. I wanted to be closer to him. I needed to be as close as possible. Pressing my hands on his shoulders, I urged him to lay down as I reclined myself. He complied, a smile on his face as he stroked my jaw. His thumb ran across my bottom lip before he took it in his mouth again. When his hand slid up inside the back of my shirt, I needed no more encouragement… hastily undoing the buttons on his shirt, my hands began roaming and exploring his bare skin. He had a small scattering of hair on his chest; more than I had, I thought with a grin and let my hand follow the trail of hair. It thickened under his belly button and grew coarser the nearer I got to his low waistband. Oh dear lord…
He has a penis, was my first thought at that moment and my breathing became irregular for another reason. Could I do this? I wanted to… was it wrong to desire Edward? So he has the same parts as me… did that make him undesirable? At that moment, I desired him more than I had ever wanted anyone. Dear, dear lord…
My next thought: I wonder if he's as hard as I am right now. As I stroked that hair that interested me so very much, my fingertips dipped into the top of his waistband. He grabbed my wrist and held my hand in place. "Not yet," he breathed against my neck as he took another nibble. Nibbling his way up my neck and across my jawline, he stopped to claim my lips once more. "You're not ready for this, Jazz. I don't want you to do something you'll regret."
Edward had never called me 'Jazz'. He made it sound intimate. I liked it. A lot. I stared into his eyes as I considered his words. I wasn't ready… did that mean that he was? Had he done this before? He had stated that he'd never slept with a girl… did that mean he had slept with another guy? My mind raced thinking of what that would mean. Edward was different – it's not like I'd ever been interested in another guy. I kind of hoped I was the same to him. If he's been with other guys this way… is he gay? Am I gay? Dear lord…
My eyes must have conveyed my thoughts somewhat. Edward lowered his eyes from mine and inched away on the bed. He didn't leave, or look like he intended to; he just gave me some space. "Do you want me to leave, Jasper?"
"No," I whispered and sincerely meant it. If he was gay… I'd deal. And if that made me gay? I reached for his hand and he held it to his lips, placing a soft kiss on my palm before turning me over on my side. He snuggled up against my back, our hands still interlocked and we slept, spooned that way, through the night. Several times I awoke, giving his hand a little squeeze to ensure it was real and not a dream. He would place a little kiss on my neck or shoulder every now and then and I'd drift back into my restless sleep.
In the morning, I almost dreaded opening my eyes. I could feel his arm around me still, but had he regretted our actions? Had he regretted stopping? Our first kiss hadn't changed anything, but this was more than a kiss – would we be different somehow?
"I should go." His sleepy voice was low and very near my ear. His breath felt warm and I felt myself harden even more than I already was.
Turning over onto my back, I got the full effect of his intense eyes. I could get lost in them. He smiled at me and I was gone. I heard his soft chuckle as he rolled off the bed and I turned to watch him button up his shirt. He was wrinkled and his hair stuck out everywhere. He was beautiful. I could only imagine what I looked like.
At a loss for words, I merely rolled onto my side and watched him. He was bent over putting his shoes on when a quick rap came on my door and it opened. "Jasper, you have to… oh. Edward. I didn't realize you were here." My father's eyes turned cold as looked at Edward's messy form and then the crumpled bed I still laid in. I was holding my breath.
"We were talking. It got late. I guess we just crashed. Sorry Mr Whitlock." Edward was very polite in his quiet explanation. I remained silent, still unable to breath.
"I'd appreciate knowing when we have a guest in our house in future." Dad looked at me pointedly. "The extra bedroom downstairs is where guests will stay."
Point taken. He left the door wide open when he turned away.
"I presume that means I'm not invited for breakfast," Edward joked, his eyes searching mine for a sign that we were okay.
Flying out of bed, I peeked out the door. No sign of the old man. I shook my head as I turned back to Edward. "Sorry… he uh… he wouldn't understand this. At all. He would not approve."
"I kinda got that," he replied in a soft voice, moving towards me to make his exit. "You should come to London. No one cares there. It's much more accepted." He glanced out the door before turning back to cup my chin and kiss me one more time. "Take your time and think this through, Jazz. Make sure you know what you want." It was a sweet goodbye kiss and only left me more confused.
I had more pressing issues to deal with, in my father. He suspected. He was stern and overbearing. I got assigned garage detail, and he stood and watched as I cleaned it, top to bottom. He didn't speak to me, other than to bark out orders. This was him emulating his military father; keeping me in line. No subordination. No deviance. Message received. My heart wasn't getting it, however. It longed to hear Edward's voice telling me I wasn't a bad person; to see his eyes letting me know it was reasonable to love him. It was that day, in the garage with my father that I realized it wasn't simply an attraction. I actually was falling in love with my best friend.
To appease my disappointed father, when Alice returned, I made a point to have her over with him there. I made a point of holding her hand, stroking her back, kissing her – just so he'd see things were A-Okay. He relaxed more, having her at the house frequently, but it hindered any sort of separation plans with Alice. She took it as a sign that we were stronger than ever. And Edward took it as a sign that I had made my choice, and it was Alice. He wasn't upset or angry, but there were no more stolen kisses and his eyes didn't convey any emotion when he looked at me.
Edward became more sullen as fall and winter took hold. He was frequently homesick. Sometimes he would let me comfort him. I'd hold him and make him feel safe and wanted. I had no idea why he was so homesick. He never spoke of his parents at all. I had never been around to hear him get a call from them and only a few times did old friends contact him. What exactly was he missing? As a show of support in his camp, I did end things with Alice. He had been right – long distance relationships were tough and half of my heart belonged to another.
We had a celebratory night out that combined Edward graduating with his 19th birthday. Alice decided to come along to the all-ages club – for Edward. Though we had agreed we would maintain a friendship, it was still awkward between us. She was her bubbly self with him and it set off my jealousy once more. I had made my decision, but Edward hadn't shown any indication that we would see if our feelings led us further. Alice was dancing very provocatively with him – and he appeared to be enjoying it. When I grumbled about it to him, he shook his head with that grin that melted me.
"No one said you couldn't join in. Dance with me, Jasper."
"Right!" I laughed, downing my drink in hand, wishing it contained something a lot stronger. "In front of everyone?" I asked, speaking into his ear so I wouldn't have to shout over the music.
"Why not? Because of Alice?"
"Because of her... and everyone!" He might have been comfortable with it publicly, but I wasn't. Alice was an entirely different issue; I cared very deeply for her, I thought it was love. I didn't want to her hurt more than I already had.
Shaking his head, his smile turned a little bit sadder. "You're still not ready."
"Let's go somewhere," I suggested abruptly. His eyes seemed to twinkle with... amusement?
"And that wouldn't start people talking? Jazz..." He leaned in to speak in my ear. "Look, just relax and we'll sort this out later on." His lips nipped at my ear lobe and my body instantly reacted. Feeling my face grow hot, I took a seat at our table while Edward got pulled back onto the dance floor by Alice. Other friends joined me but I couldn't keep my eyes and thoughts off Edward. A few songs later, two sweaty bodies shoved their way into the booth. Everyone inched over to allow for the extras, but Edward was pressed firmly against me and Alice just as tight on his other side. His hand rested on my knee, shooting electric sparks straight to my groin. When he would lean forward to talk to friends across the table, his hand would slide further up my thigh – it was glorious and torturous.
Finally alone in my car, having dropped off the last of several passengers, we exchanged a smile. "Come to my place," Edward suggested quietly. "Your dad's not there…" We chuckled, my cheeks grew hot. Edward stared off in space. "No one's there, actually. We could… talk. Openly."
To the Cullen residence it was then. "Do you want a drink or anything?" he asked when we got inside.
Shaking my head, I took a step closer. "Not a drink. You." We came together with a greater urgency than ever before, our kisses rough and demanding rather than the gentle explorations we had shared in the past. I moaned around his mouth when I felt his erection pressed against me and he softened his kiss, breaking it with a crooked smile. He took my hand and led me to his room.
Inside, his soft, warm kisses returned. He dimmed the lights and took my lips once more as his hands worked on my shirt buttons. My mind was in a fog – engrossed in the physical pleasure he was giving me and the thought that this was going to happen. Here. Tonight. Dear lord…
Edward's hand was wrapped around my erection as he ran kissed down my chest and I mumbled, "I don't know what I'm going to tell my father…" His hand flew away from me, as did his mouth. The sudden coldness left me feeling so exposed.
"Why would you tell your father?" His voice was shaky. Nervous.
Why had I said that? "I… I don't know…"
"Do you tell him when you've had your cock buried in Alice's pussy?"
His crude choice of words took be aback. He didn't usually speak that way. Was he jealous? Had he been jealous all along? It had always amazed me that he was so calm and casual about everything. I was older, but he was more mature, sexually speaking. If he had been jealous of Alice, he had certainly never shown it.
"I bet you do," he said sullenly. "Look Pop! I'm a man's man… I bagged a girl. I'm no faggot… right? That's how it goes? Anything to please Daddy."
"No! Edward… Listen, it's his issue, not mine."
"And this is ours," he replied, turning back to look at me. "This is between you and I. What the fuck does it matter what anyone else thinks? You say it's your dad, but clearly… you have issues with this too."
"I don't! I'm here… with you! Edward, I never expected any of this to happen…"
His eyebrow lifted in my direction. "But I had it all planned? The seduction of my best friend?"
I had never thought about him being confused by this, or surprised. He had been so calm… "I've never…"
"I know that!" He tugged on his hair in frustration. "Jazz, you've got an entirely different perception than I do." His voice was lower, more in control, but I couldn't see his eyes to know what they were saying. "These things… they don't always happen in the textbook tradition. If a feeling is genuine and reciprocated, why is it wrong? What's the difference between loving a woman or another man? If that's how your heart goes, and you're not hurting anyone, why must shame be slapped on it? You are ashamed, Jasper. I see it. I feel it." His shoulders hunched over more as he buried his face in his hands.
Reaching out to grip his shoulder, I leaned towards him and ended up wrapping my arms around him instead. "I'm not used to this, Edward. That's all. It's confusing for me, but I have listened to my heart. It led me to you. Only you." All true. I had never felt this way for any person, male or female and even from a physical standpoint, there was no other man I was attracted to. It was only Edward who drew my eye and affections. "You're the one who kept putting this off," I reminded him. "You're always the one who stops it."
He turned to look at me, his eyes glistening and full of sadness. "You had a girlfriend, Jazz. I'm not someone who breaks up a relationship. And… I was underage. You think you have issues now, how would you have felt with that being thrown in?"
So mature… he had put me off very casually every time – but with reason, I now saw. "We're both consenting adults," I rationalized, showing my agreement with everything he had said. "Edward, you've only been with underage guys then? Or did you have something happen when you were younger that made you aware…"
He snorted as he wrestled himself free from my arms and stormed across the room. "I was not molested, Jasper. No bad man touched my private bits, thus turning me gay. A heart doesn't know gender. I merely follow my heart… stupidly… And then I'm reminded of why I should feel wrong in doing so. Thanks." He yanked open his bedroom door and started to leave.
"Edward! I'm sorry! I don't think you're wrong… I just don't understand everything…"
"Ha-haa! Lover's spat, boys?" A voice quipped from the stairs above Edward's room. Emmett.
"Screw you," Edward hissed, wiping at his tears. I wanted nothing more than to go and embrace him; tell him there was no shame. I wanted to tell him I was so proud of his stance and he was right… he was absolutely right. My sister stood behind Edward's ignorant cousin. My eyes dropped and I didn't go to Edward.
"Jasper? How about we ride home together? That way Emmett doesn't have to drive me home," she suggested.
I looked at my friend for an indication of what he wanted from me. He stared blankly at the floor. What a shitful way to end a birthday, I thought. Boldly, I walked to him and embraced him. His arms hung loosely at his sides but I felt the tension in his back. "We'll talk more," I whispered to him. "We are not done, Edward. We're not."
Apparently, we were. He declined my offer to take him to lunch the next day and when I showed up at the Cullen's house later on, he was packing.
"I'm going home," he told me quietly.
"Edward… I…" No! No no no… he couldn't be leaving, not like this… "I thought you would stay for college…"
He shook his head. "I need to be back home. I can't take it here anymore." He looked drained. Beaten down.
"And it's better at home?" I asked softly. I didn't know what it was really like for him there, but I presumed it wasn't great either.
The corner of his mouth lifted in a smirk. "Touché. I'll find my own place…I'll be fine. You'll be fine. It's better this way." He finally looked at me, with watery eyes and offered a weak grin. "You can come visit me!"
"You're the best friend I've ever had," I told him bluntly.
He nodded curtly, closing his eyes as he turned away. That night, I sat in my car for hours – alone and confused and utterly heartbroken. It took weeks before I felt anything other than hollow grief. I don't know if Rosalie knew what it was really about, but she was extra attentive with me and Emmett never cracked another joke about Edward. Not in front of me, at least. I was fully aware that ignorance does not just die overnight – like a forbidden relationship could.
I found a summer job. Once Edward was gone, I had too much time on my hands. I kept part-time hours when I returned to school and every cent I could save from my employment was stashed away. We communicated often… texts, emails and sporadic phone calls. He was excited with his new life when he first re-established himself as a Londoner. He had ended up renting a small apartment with an old schoolmate and was given a job as a courier through his roommate's father. It was working out well for him, he had been right to go home. He went through periods of brooding and I suspected he was in a fairly deep depression around the holidays. During those times, I'd lay awake at night, imagining his gorgeous eyes wrought with sadness. I could envision him, lying limply, staring at the ceiling. Alone. I wanted nothing more than to rush to his side and comfort him, but he was halfway across the world.
He was elated when I told him I'd saved enough to buy a plane ticket and have travel money. I flew out the day I graduated from college. My father was not happy, particularly about it being an open ticket. I wanted to leave my options open. I wanted to prove to Edward that I was truly ready to take this wherever it led us.
Arriving at Heathrow, I felt lost and giddy. It was massive! I didn't know how I'd go about finding Edward and he'd already warned me that my cell phone would not work here. Standing off to the side to determine where to go, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I jumped and then heard a familiar chuckle. All tension drained from my body and when I turned to see those beautiful green eyes smiling at me, I felt like I was home. We embraced, long and heartfelt – just as many travellers were doing. Nothing about us stood out at all.
"Don't get used to this," he teased as I stretched out in the taxi. "I got you an Oyster card… it's your travel pass around town – bus, tube… you'll catch on. It's really simple. You must be starving! I've got some food at the apartment, or we can go out if you'd prefer. I'm working at a pub a few nights a week now, did I tell you? Great food and they're generous with discounts on my nights off. My roommate may be home when we get there, which is good, so you can meet – but he's taking off for a few. Taking his girl to Cardiff. Oh, I never asked! Is that something you'd want to do? They wouldn't mind if we tagged along, I've got the next few days off work. You'll like them…"
I smiled at him, revelling in the sound of his voice and watching the excitement in his eyes. He had aged in our two years apart, but still had a boyish exuberance. He was just as beautiful as I'd remembered. And I was more than a little relieved to hear of his roommate's girlfriend. I had often wondered what his living arrangement truly entailed, but had never come out and asked. "I'm happy just being here," I replied with honesty. "I want to see what your life is like here, that's all."
He seemed pleased by that and turned his attention to the sights along the way. Playing gracious host, he showed me all the points of interest and told me where he'd like to take me while I was here. The way he spoke of his surroundings made me understand why he had been homesick and why he needed to return. I had a feeling I could fall in love with this city right along with him.
His apartment was over some stores, the stairwell leading up was almost too narrow to haul my bags in. I wondered how on earth he had gotten any furniture in.
"We're a creative lot, here," he laughed when I found myself wedged and asked what was on my mind. "It's the first door on the left."
When he said he had a small apartment, he meant small. The entire rental was the size of the living room in my parents' house. But they had made it comfortable and very liveable. His roommate was sitting at a tiny round table by the window when we arrived and instantly stood to help bring in my bags.
"Riley, Jasper," Edward introduced.
"Good to see you," Riley pumped my arm. "I must be off – Victoria awaits. But I'll look forward to spending more time later on. I've made tea!" he called out over his shoulder as he rushed out the door.
"Nice guy," I grinned as the door closed behind him.
Edward chuckled. "He's very… accommodating. Easy to live with. Come on, we'll get you settled. Um… do you want to use Riley's room? He said it was fine. Or…"
"Yours is fine," I replied smoothly. I didn't want him thinking I had any remnants of hesitation. His grin was accompanied with a slight blush. Still the same ol' Edward.
"Right. That's great. So, I've cleared out a couple of drawers for your things and there's some room in the cupboard. Just toss my things on the floor if you need more space. We'll have to stick your bags in the storage or we'll be tripping over them the whole time. We can do that later if you're tired. Should we see what Riley's left us or do you want to go out? Maybe have a rest first?"
I couldn't tell if his fussiness was him being generous or nervous. All I knew was that it was damn sweet. We settled on the sandwiches Riley had made before his departure and then Edward took me on a brief tour of the immediate neighbourhood, showing me all the best spots to eat, buy drinks or have a night out. When we returned, I was exhausted and feeling grimy from a full day of travel. I went to take a quick shower before turning in. There was a soft knock on the door after several minutes of trying to figure out exactly how his shower worked. I wrapped a towel around my waist and opened the door.
"Do you not have hot water in England?" Did I sound like a prick?
His soft laugh eased my worries. "I thought you may have some issues… I took a week of icy showers before Riley showed me the trick. Come, I'll show you. Oh, and don't drink the water from here. It's fine to clean your teeth, but don't swallow. I usually keep a bottle of water handy for that. Kitchen taps are alright." He demonstrated the proper sequence of knob turns for a decent shower and started the stream up for me before leaving me to it.
I found him stretched out in bed, reading a book when I finished up. He looked up with a smile. "Feeling more human?"
"I can't believe I'm actually here," I mused, setting my clothes on the floor as I sat on the edge of his bed.
"And you must be exhausted. Come. Lay down." He set his book aside and pulled back the covers on the bed for me to slip under. He had dressed much like me for the night – a t-shirt and loose boxers. Mine tented almost instantly when he rolled onto his side and brushed the wet locks from my forehead. "I'm really glad you're here, Jazz. Sleep. You need it."
Sleep? I had dreamed of being alone with Edward for two years and here we were and there was a rod in my shorts and a lump in my throat. There was so much I wanted to say to him and I was dying to feel his kiss once more. In the end, I settled for a loose embrace as we laid facing each other and drifted off.
In the morning, I awoke in a strange place, alone with my still rock-hard erection. It died as soon as my feet hit the floor. Holy fuck, it was cold! I padded out to use the bathroom, giving Edward a wave when I spotted him at the table Riley had been at the previous day. Wearing a robe over his t-shirt and boxers, he seemed impervious to the cold, where I stood shivering. "It's the dampness. You'll get used to it. We'll go shopping for a robe for you later on."
We did, as well as an introduction to the underground system, just in case I wanted to "go out and about" on my own while he was at work someday. I wouldn't. To be honest, I would rather just go along and watch him work… doing… whatever. I don't know how he did it; he was the Energizer bunny going all over town and looked bright and alert when we got in. I was ready to crash.
Apparently, I had. I woke in his bed very early in the morning. Edward was snuggled up to me, snoring softly so I just laid there and enjoyed. Another night had passed and we hadn't so much as kissed. The feel of his warmth against me was nice though. Sometime later, when I felt him stirring, I reached my up and stroked his hair. Moaning softly, he snuggled in closer so I kept running my fingers through his wild mop. I loved how it looked after he slept – wild and all over the place. My fingers weren't going to help smooth it at all.
"That feels nice," he murmured against my chest. "Have I told you how happy I am that you're here?"
Chuckling, I wrapped my arms around him and rested my cheek against his unruly hair. "I think you've mentioned it. Sorry for last night, by the way. I can usually make it past 9."
I felt his lips press against my chest and my heart raced. "You're jet lagged. I understand. You want the shower first or should I go?" He was out of my arms, sitting up for a stretch. Still no real kiss; no indication this would go any further than a cuddle. I sent him off and sulked while he was lathering himself.
Edward had another full day planned for us beginning in the theater district - a matinee performance and then a "quiet night round the pub". My personal preference was a quiet night in, just me and him until we got there. His full charm was out and he toted me around proudly introducing me to all – staff and patrons alike. They all knew him and most knew of me. The highlight of the night was seeing him sit down at the piano. He was good. Really good. I could have listened to him play all day and night.
"You should have a piano at home. You're so good," I commented on the walk home.
Laughing, with a little blush, I'm sure, he shook his head. "Nah. I'm not that good. Anyway, I've no room for a piano in my apartment, remember? Your suitcase didn't even fit!"
"You are that good. Why did you never play for me on the one in my house?" Rosalie had taken lessons for a few years and then lost interest. It never got played.
"You never asked me to," he quipped with a saucy grin. "I'd have done anything you asked me to."
"Except one thing," I retorted and then held my breath for his reaction.
"What?" he asked softly. "When I left?"
"Before you left. You never gave me a chance. We never saw..." I sighed heavily. "It's my biggest regret, you know – not seeing what it would be like if we were together."
He was silent. Zero response to my confession. It left me raw and feeling extremely vulnerable. If we had an argument, there was nowhere for me to go. Luckily we were at his door in no time. He let us in, closed the door and pulled me to him instantly. His thumbs stroked my cheeks as he always did when we were about to kiss and I wet my lips in anticipation. He didn't let me down. His kisses tasted of beer and... Edward.
That night, our third night together in his territory, we took advantage of our freedom and explored. It wasn't anything like I expected – of course, I was understandably nervous, but he always found a way to soothe my anxiety. His hands, his mouth, everything he did was handled with such care. He even apologized for his stubble. Edward didn't need to apologize for anything. He was a considerate lover throughout and well, I tried to match his touches so I hoped he was pleased as well. He appeared to be, gazing into my eyes as we laid together for a breather.
"What next?" I asked. Truthfully, it was the next and final step I worried most about. I didn't want to freak out on him – seeing how he was with everything else, I didn't think I'd have a problem when it came down to it but still... that was an untapped area for me.
"Next?" he smiled, stroking my hair. "A cuddle and sleep?"
I did like the sound of that. "Have you... I mean, you're satisfied with what we did?"
"Are you not?" he asked with that same saucy grin from earlier. "I could..." he ducked beneath the covers running his tongue over belly. Even completely deflated, I felt a stirring from his touch. I pulled him back up for a kiss.
"I was completely satisfied. No worries on my part. I just... you don't want more?"
He tilted his head, as if pondering my proposal. His fingers ran through my hair as he did. "Another time? Maybe? It can be overwhelming. Jazz, I want to remember you... us... just like this. Is that okay?"
It was. And it was more than okay when he spooned me and nuzzled in against the back of my neck before he dozed off. It felt right, being with Edward; following my feelings. His words plagued my dreams for several days. 'I want to remember you just like this...' Meaning...? Nothing further physically, or nothing further in terms of the relationship? I had come to explore, intending to stay if it felt right and it had. It was right for me. Edward was, at least.
Riley returned and I wondered how another man in the house would play out. As Edward had said, his roommate was very accommodating. He was personable and respectful and went to his room early each night, leaving us to our nightly explorations. He didn't bat an eye when we'd emerge from the shower together or when Edward would rub my shoulders and kiss my neck as I sipped on tea at the little table by the window. Conversation carried on like it was no big deal. I could do this, I thought, spend forever with this man. Here.
"I told you it's different here," he grinned when I voiced my appraisal of Riley's non-reaction. We were headed to a club and I saw couples of all types wandering around. Edward blushed, but still grinned when I took hold of his hand as we walked. He even lifted it to his mouth to kiss my wrist while in line. Inside seemed surreal. Dark forms huddled in corners, no gender lines noticeable. Bodies grinded and moved against each other on the strobe-lit dance floor and the bar was lined up with men hitting on women and men alike. It was a whole other world.
The first thing Edward did was pull me away from the bar. "I'm not letting you near that scene. You're mine tonight. And tonight, you're dancing with me."
Even immersed in the entire scene, I only saw - only wanted - Edward. I hated to leave his side, but had to answer to the call of my bladder eventually. Weaving my way back through the crowd, I seemed to be following a petite woman headed in the exact same direction. My heart thumped harder than the beat of the music when she approached our table ahead of me. Edward wasn't kidding, this place was full of people picking up whomever. But she was bold. She sat on his lap, rather than the seat beside him. Her arms wrapped around his neck and she pressed her forehead to his. Either women were extremely forward here or she was familiar with him. They were familiar with each other.
"You up for it tonight?" I heard her asking as I approached.
"Sorry. Not tonight. I've got a friend staying at mine. My friend from America."
Friend from America...
The words sliced through me. Weeks ago, when I'd first arrived, that description was suitable. We're friends, I'm American… but after weeks of making love to each other every night, was I not something more than that to him? I felt ridiculously clingy but this stranger on my man's lap was causing the old jealousy to return. Reminding myself that this was all new and that I didn't know what was acceptable in his world, but mostly not wanting to make an ass of myself, I took my seat and flashed a grin at him. Introductions were made, the slight woman had a polite little chat (while on my man's lap) and then she was off, after giving him a kiss.
He continued on as usual and I bit back my jealousy – he had sat through many displays of affection between Alice and me. I had simply never seen Edward with anyone else, male or female, so it threw me. I convinced myself that was it – I wasn't obsessed with him or expecting anything more than what we had. I hid my new doubts and carried on just as we had been without him ever knowing there was a problem. Or so I thought.
"Are you going to tell me what's on your mind or are we playing a game?" he asked several days later. He was doing his courier job and I'd taken the tube to go meet him for lunch. His remark came out of nowhere for me. I thought I had covered up extraordinarily well and nothing had changed between us. He had even invited me into the shower with him that very morning.
"Right now, my mind is on a shower…" I grinned before sipping from the straw in my drink. I was determined to play it cool.
"So, we're playing," he commented, no amusement in his eyes. I would confess everything; it became clear to me at that moment. Brooding Edward owned me.
"I don't think this is best place to discuss our relationship," I stated, glancing around at the business people and shoppers dining amongst us. We weren't in Soho anymore. This was more like back home – to me, anyway.
"Will there be tears and hissy fits?" he teased. The darkness remained in his eyes however; this wasn't his normal look for playfulness. "I do have to return to work after this."
I nodded. "I'll see you after work then."
"Right." Pulling his wallet from his back pocket, he slapped some notes on the table and picked up his courier bag. "I've got my pub shift after this. I'll see you back at the apartment. We'll talk, if you're still awake when I get in." He started to leave but stopped and turned back, bending to place a soft kiss on my cheek. "Be safe going home Jazz. I'll see you soon."
He did that frequently – dropped sentences that seemed to mean many things, leaving me to decipher them. The problem was, my interpretation could be vastly different from his intention. The more I got to know Edward, the more I discovered that I didn't really know him at all.
Riley came home briefly, collected an overnight bag and bid me goodnight. He was spending the night at Victoria's… accommodating Edward once again, perhaps? Not long after, Edward himself arrived at the apartment.
"I got someone to take the end of my shift so I wouldn't be too late for you," he said softly.
I went to him and borrowed his move – cupping his jaw and stroking his face with my thumbs before a gentle kiss. "I'm glad you're home. I've missed you." His face softened with a shy grin, but his eyes didn't reflect it – there was something there… a sadness… "Edward, what's wrong? Earlier, you had this same look and you told me to be safe going home. What does that mean? Do you want me to go back to the States?"
His tongue flicked over his lips before his eyes drifted back to mine. "It simply meant, dear Jasper, to be safe coming back here on the train. You don't think of this as home… are you homesick? Do you want to go back?"
I shook my head. Anywhere felt like home with him, but his simplistic explanation confused me even further. It felt like he was playing a game. Perhaps he was sick of having me here and this was his way of encouraging me to be on my way.
"You've been different, the past several days. I know there's something bothering you." He frowned at me shaking my head in denial. "I have done everything I can think of to make you feel comfortable, and yet, at the heart of it, you don't even feel comfortable enough with me to tell me the truth."
That statement tugged at my heart. He had been generous and beyond considerate with everything. I would give him what he wanted. "I was a bit… more than a bit, actually… surprised at the club the other day. That girl…"
"Ah."
"I didn't know… I hadn't thought about you ever being with… a woman, I guess."
His smile returned along with flushed cheeks. "You thought I was still a virgin? It's been a long time since we had our 'have you ever' talk, Jazz."
Heat flooded into my cheeks as well. "No… it's… I guess I thought you were a virgin when it came to the opposite sex, that's all."
Sucking in his lip, brow furrowed, he pulled me over to sit down for further conversation. "Okay, we seem to have some misconceived notions that need clearing up… I'm not gay."
Playing… totally playing… I threw out a laugh and gave his leg a squeeze. "Denial, Edward? I didn't see that coming from you. What happened to following your heart where it leads you, regardless of gender…" My mouth opened in a surprised 'O'.
"Ah," he grinned. "There, you've answered your own question, right?" A shy chuckle came from him and I suddenly felt like the biggest tool. "Jazz, I've never been completely with another man. Messed around, but not… well, anal. I'm… still a virgin in that respect. I'm not ruling it out… I just haven't taken that step yet, as you know. I think… for that, I'd have to really trust the other person. I mean really trust – and you're the only person I've ever known that I have that amount of trust in. If that's something you want… I can do that for you. I can give myself to you. For you. Only you. Do you understand?"
I understood completely. I still had yet to have even the slightest desire to kiss or fondle another man. My heart led me to Edward, period. I knew that if Edward had never entered my life, I could have been perfectly happy with a traditional life with Alice – we would marry, have a family and grow old together. However, being true to my heart meant bucking convention and trusting in another. Edward had the purest soul I'd ever known. I felt like there were still mysteries to uncover with him, but I knew one thing – he trusted me and that meant he had my heart and my trust. It was the kind of bond that so many couples lacked and it was right… for us.